[ light laughter ] welcome to impeachment after dark live. The only show that recaps the very mean, very nasty things democrats said about me at todays impeachment hearings [ laughter ] and before we go any further, yes, i got this after show idea from andy cohen. Or as i call him, opposite mike pence [ laughter ] now i admit, folks, i thought this whole impeachment thing would go away by now like a common cold, or a second wife but yet, here we are [ laughter ] and worse, now you cant even get the truth from shows like fox and frenemies. [ light laughter ] even though i am totally innocent, and legally handsome, i have to take matters into my own huge hands [ laughter ] and ill be honest, todays hearings had me on the edge of my seat. Like when Rudy Giuliani goes on fox news, or when Stephen Miller texts me kk. Stop right there, stephen. [ laughter ] but lets just jump into it. The impeachment hearings began this afternoon and just as i suspected, it started out totally full of schiff [ laughter ] at first, i wasnt going it wasnt going so well for me take a look at what kent said. Over the course of 2018 and 2019, i became increasingly aware of an effort by Rudy Giuliani and others to smear ambassador yovanovitch and other officials at the u. S. Embassy in kyiv jimmy really, folks . Youre going to take Foreign Policy advice from Orville Impeachmentbacher . [ laughter ] anyway, then ambassador taylors testimony was even harsher on me, very nasty. But eventually, he came around to my side President Trumps actions were clearly correct and he is also very, very jimmy handsome [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause jimmy there you have it, folks. Trumps here to stay ill be president for four more years. Then ill do eight years as kanyes v. P. [ laughter ] and then ill finally harden into a ball of hairspray and get laid to rest on a florida golf course. Its the american dream, folks i need some water. Wheres my assistant wheres my new assistant thank you. [ cheers and applause water, water no, no no, water. Thank you, yes [ laughter ] so in summary, if youre still wondering if im guilty, all i have to say is, read the transcript read the transcript [ light laughter ] jimmy now i have to go meet with turkish president , president hair dragon. Its its its erdogan jimmy errduhgone yep, sure [ laughter ] jimmy hes the president of turkey, folks, so i have to do it fast before hes eaten on thanksgiving [ laughter ] and theres one more theres one more thing just close the show jimmy oh, thats right the tonight show is coming to you from new york city its happening right now [ cheers and applause lets start the show, everybody. Lets go [ cheers and applause steve from 30 Rockefeller Plaza here in new york city, its the tonight show starring jimmy fallon. And now, heres your host, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause jimmy thank you very much. Welcome. Welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show. Youre here. You made it. [ cheers and applause thank you very much. Well, heres some heres some good news. Today was World Kindness day [ cheers and applause you could tell it was World Kindness day, because all day long, new yorkers were like, no, please, you take the we subway seat. [ laughter ] screw screw me no, sir, screw you. [ light laughter ] of course, the bad news today is that the countrys still dealing with this arctic blast it was freezing outside. Seriously, frozen 2 isnt just the name of a movie, its also the nickname for my nipples. [ laughter ] steve what jimmy it was also freezing down in washington, d. C. It was so cold, during todays impeachment hearing, democrats and republicans put aside their differences and spooned each other for warmth steve aww. [ laughter ] jimmy in fact, today was the first public impeachment hearing. But apparently President Trump didnt watch trump wanted to, but he threw his tv remote out the window when he wasnt named people magazines sexiest man of the year. [ laughter ] it was such a tense day in washington that emotional support dogs were actually brought in to help members of Congress Deal with the stress. [ light laughter ] so if you think you had a rough day, think about the dog that had to spend 12 hours cuddling with Mitch Mcconnell [ laughter ] meanwhile, a lot of bars in d. C. Opened up at 9 00 a. M. , so people could watch the hearing and drink. [ light laughter ] yeah, drinking all morning on a workday. Or as the white house staffers call that, every day [ laughter ] todays testimony came from the state Department Official george kent and u. S. Diplomat bill taylor. In case you dont know what they look like, heres george kent. I think hes still dressed in his Young Sheldon halloween costume. [ laughter ] heres u. S. Diplomat bill taylor. Hes a former ambassador and the current spokesman for just for men touch of gray [ laughter ] but bill taylors testimony was brutal for trump he clearly outlined how the president tried to get ukraine to investigate biden in exchange for aid which means its the second time in trumps life that his coverup didnt work [ laughter ] [ audience oohs at one point, taylor read his Text Messages out loud, and he was asked to explain an exchange he had with ambassador sondland are we now saying that Security Assistance and white house meeting are conditioned on investigations . And ambassador sondland responded, call me. Jimmy yeah if youre unaware, call me is a legal term meaning, i cant put this very illegal thing im about to say in writing. [ laughter ] but during his hours of testimony, a lot of people really liked taylors voice and thought he should narrate a podcast or a tv show just just listen to him im appearing today at the committees request to provide my perspective on the events that are the subject of the committees inquiry. Jimmy yeah while he testified, a bunch of judges from the voice turned their chairs around. [ laughter ] why would you take that, why . [ light laughter ] well, im not an impeachment expert, but there were a few words said during todays testimony that i was not expecting to hear. Take a look. Chalupa Chalupa Chalupa three way nude. Pictures of trump [ laughter ] jimmy wasnt expecting just wasnt expecting that u. S. Diplomat bill taylor and state Department Official george kent testified. But first, they had to swear in under oath and i think they seemed to be asked a few more questions than usual. Take a look at this. Do you swear that the testimony youre about to give is the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth . I do. Do you think the redesigned sonic the hedgehog is an overall success . I do. Do you often wonder why hiccups are called hiccups and not throat sneezes [ light laughter ] i do. Do you agree that john legend is the sexiest man alive . I do. What is your favorite 98 degrees song . I do. [ laughter ] do you take me to be your lawfully married husband i do. [ light laughter ] do you wish you were watching 101 dalmatians on disney right now . I do. [ light laughter ] do you want to give the man standing next to you a gentle kiss on the forehead i do. [ cheers and applause jimmy that seems unfair. Steve wow. I didnt i didnt notice that wow. Jimmy some 2020 news Pete Buttigieg is now leading the polls in iowa. [ cheers and applause petes very proud. Hes Walking Around like hes five feet tall [ laughter ] Hillary Clintons in the news. In a new interview, she said, many, many, many people are urging her to run in 2020. When asked to name them, she said, pinot, zinfandel, cabernet and sauvignon blanc. [ laughter ] we have a great show give it up for the roots [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy we have a fun show we have a fun show tonight Rachel Maddow is here. Steve oh [ cheers and applause jimmy tony hale is here tonight. Steve ah, come on. [ cheers and applause jimmy we love tony steve come on. Jimmy and we got great music from dominic fike, right there, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause it was just released, today. I dont know if you saw, quest, that the roots and i are going to be at the thanksgiving day parade [ cheers and applause very excited about this. Weve done this how many times have we done this . Probably five questlove four or five times, yeah. Jimmy do you have any favorite memories from the thanksgiving day parade . [ laughter ] tariq . Questlove tariq might. Jimmy tariq, which one do you i have two memories. Tariq yeah, well, i mean, definitely Richard Simmons jimmy that was oh, that was one of them. Tariq yeah jimmy the first time i ever met Richard Simmons. We were on this float we were on the this year were on the entenmanns float. Tariq yeah jimmy thats all donuts and stuff. Dancing donuts and stuff [ laughter ] i didnt see that, yeah. Steve its fantastic jimmy but, we were on a i forget what float we were on tariq and i were on the top and we heard, like, jimmy, roots. Jimmy, roots. And were like it was, like kept going all the way down cause its a parade, so a lot of people yell that. It kept going and going. And we go somebody said, i think Richard Simmons is trying to say hi to you. [ light laughter ] i go, oh, where is he . And i turned around and Richard Simmons is wearing short shorts on he was on a sequined sea horse. [ light laughter ] and his leg was behind his head [ laughter ] and hes been waving yeah, yeah, yeah i go, oh, my gosh. The best way ever to meet Richard Simmons. It was so iconic, i cant i cant unsee that [ light laughter ] and then, my favorite though has gotta be tariq james . Jimmy its james when we did when we cause heres you get to central park at like 6 00 in the morning, maybe questlove yeah jimmy it was early i never see the roots before 3 00 p. M questlove yeah [ light laughter ] jimmy so, were just kinda sitting there. It was like we have to go and we go on a bus before we go on the float and were on the bus, we have coffees and stuff. And who comes on the bus, but Ronald Mcdonald. Steve ooh. [ light laughter ] jimmy Ronald Mcdonald so he comes on, and hes so nice and hes just talking normal like hes not dressed as Ronald Mcdonald, hes like [ light laughter ] hes like, yeah, the subway was crazy today. Im like, i cant listen to you, youre dressed as Ronald Mcdonald. [ light laughter ] were all just kind of freaking out, taking pictures with him and stuff. He was cool. And james was late yeah, he slept in, yeah. So, james was coming on to the bus and were all freaking out were like, oh my gosh, this is gonna be so funny. Hes gonna see Ronald Mcdonald like, how is james going to react . And he came on the bus and he looked at Ronald Mcdonald, and he goes, hey, whats up, ron . [ laughter ] what do you mean, whats up, ron . Steve ron. [ applause ] jimmy whats up, ron . Like he knows Ronald Mcdonald. Steve ron mcdonald jimmy but we gotta think of what song are we going to do questlove what are we gonna do jimmy for the parade i was thinking like questlove the bird jimmy you do, like yeah you do like or you could do a holiday song or you could do just any song really we did we will rock you one year questlove yeah we did lets go crazy one year jimmy we did prince. Yeah, we did did i was thinking maybe we have zog, whos our great comedian and steve the warmup guy jimmy and writer for the show yeah, but maybe if we have zog dressed up as a turkey [ laughter ] with a surf board and we do surfin bird. [ light laughter ] well everybodys hear about the bird bbbbbird bird bird bird is the word the bird bird bir the bird is the word oh well the bird the bird thatd be a good one, right . Steve i love it. Jimmy itd be kinda fun. All right, well, anyways well think of what song were doing and ill let you guys know [ cheers and applause so you can root for us well be on the entenmanns float. Im so excited about that. Right now, guys, it is time for our latest installment of tonight show polls here we go [ cheers and applause tonight show polls jimmy this first poll asked, will you listen to Rudy Giulianis podcast about trump being impeached . 75 said, no. 24 said, yes. Rudy giuliani said, what podcast . I never said there was gonna be a podcast. Okay, fine, theres a podcast. But i never said that. [ applause ] why would you think i said that i didnt say that. This poll asked, how do you communicate with your relatives . 20 said, by phone. 20 said, by email. 60 said, by occasionally liking one of their facebook posts to let them know were still cool. [ laughter ] [ applause ] this next poll asks, how many drinks is the appropriate amount with coworkers . 20 said, one is fine. 20 said, yeah, sure, okay, two. 20 said, you know what i can do three. [ laughter ] 20 said, well, if were doing four, were doing five. [ laughter ] 20 said, h. R. Is telling me 12 was too many. [ laughter and applause next they asked, what is love . 33 said, baby, dont hurt me. [ laughter ] 33 said, dont hurt me. 34 said, no more. [ laughter and applause this next poll asks, how do you take your coffee . 10 said, black. 15 said, milk and sugar. 10 said, one splenda, one equal, oat milk steamed, then have them put some ice in it so its not too hot, two pumps vanilla and cinnamon sprinkles. [ light laughter ] 10 said, uh, sorry that was one splenda, one equal, what else . 10 said, oat milk steamed, but have them put some ice in it so its not too hot, two pumps vanilla and cinnamon sprinkles. 10 said, great, can i get your name . 35 said, jennnnnifer with five ns. [ laughter and applause these are polls. These are polls that steve wow. Polling people jimmy theyre polling people and getting steve that many people are named jennnnnifer with five ns jimmy yeah [ light laughter ] dont spell is wrong or else i wont be able to know its my drink. Steve no one will know its her drink. Jimmy this last poll asked, whats your favorite food at thanksgiving . 60 said, turkey. 35 said, organic turkey. 5 said, wild turkey i chugged in the bathroom just to get through this thing. [ cheers and applause thats all the time we have for tonight show polls well be right back, with Rachel Maddow. [ cheers and applause nice, wow. Just out of curiosity, what did that carriage set you back . Oh, like, 19 large. Ugh, i overpaid, im an idiot. Hey, happens to everybody. I bet he overpaid. lock signal chirp me . I didnt overpay. I used autotrader its the only one with kelley blue book. He overpaid. No it literally says great price. Okay, we get it you got a great price. Did you get a good price . No okay, im sorry. Want to go get some croissants . No im fine, thank you. Okay horse neighing get 25 off home decor, target holideals no im fine, thank you. Bedding, bath and more. This weekend only. Save on everything you need for when Friends Family come home for the holidays. 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Bang bang, there [agoes my bang bang, i want my bang bang, i want my bang bang go bang bang there goes my bang bang, go bang bang, there goes my bazooka go bang bang, there goes my bang bang, i want my mind blown, i want my mind blown go bang bang, there goes my bazooka kerrygold has a taste so rich it can take you to irelands lush, green pastures. Where grassfed cows produce rich, creamy milk for a truly delicious taste. Kerrygold. The taste that takes you there. Shouldnt mean a change in standards. Thats why thanks to you were rated number one in Customer Satisfaction by j. D. Power. [ cheers and applause jimmy our first guest hosts the Rachel Maddow show which is the number one show in cable news and this is her brand new book called blowout which is already a New York Times bestseller please welcome, Rachel Maddow. [ cheers and applause jimmy thank you so much for coming back to the show. I appreciate this. Its always fun to talk to you super good to see you jimmy how are you feeling, first off . Because youve been hobbling around youve seen me in crutches on the building. Its like jimmy yes. The entire year jimmy what happened . I its so boring jimmy just tell me i sprained my ankle and broke my ankle at once jimmy what while doing nothing [ light laughter ] my big adventure was i was stepping down. Jimmy that was it . And that was enough to break and sprain my ankle and put myself on crutches for four months im only off crutches for a few days jimmy what a drag. I know. Jimmy Getting Better were you getting used to the crutches kind of the cool thing about crutches, i will say, and i mean nothing against right but having big pieces of metal in my arms at all times, going down the street in new york city, kind of an advantage. Jimmy yeah [ laughter ] you know what i mean . Jimmy swatting people away in new york, people are good about, like, givi