Jimmy oh, thank you very much hot crowd. [ cheers and applause wow. I love ya. Welcome, everybody welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to the tonight show. Youre here. [ cheers and applause thank you for being here what a show we have for you tonight. We are here on a sunday. [ cheers and applause you know, after spending 12 hours on thanksgiving eating, drinking, and watching football, it was nice to relax today with 12 hours of eating, drinking, and watching football [ laughter ] there were some big matchups today. You had oakland versus kansas city. San fransico versus baltimore. And americans versus their bathroom scale [ laughter ] americans lost [ laughter ] but tonight on nbc, the new England Patriots played the Houston Texans thats right for the texans, it was the biggest game of the year for the patriots, it was a a short layover in houston on the way to the super bowl. Steve oh [ laughter ] jimmy but this is cool i read that the Houston Texans have one of the biggest jumbotrons in the nfl. Even crazier, they bought it on black friday for a hundred bucks. [ laughter ] good deal. Steve wow. Jimmy its officially the holiday season, and everyone is in the spirit. Even the jets gifted the bengals their first win of the season [ light laughter ] [ audience ohs ] thats right, earlier today the winless Cincinnati Bengals played the new york jets when fans in cincinnati yelled, you suck. Both teams were like, wait, are you yelling that at us or [ laughter ] them us were good either way, were good. This is strange. Did you hear about this . Ever since a black cat ran onto the field during monday night football, a month ago, teams with cat names are 012 heading into today [ light laughter ] yeah, this only proves one that theres at [ laughter ] steve would you look at this [ laughter ] jimmy the t is a [ light laughter ] meanwhile, today the giants hosted the Green Bay Packers for a game in the snow in new jersey you could tell it was cold when both quarterbacks had their hand under the centers butt even during the commercials. Steve really [ laughter ] jimmy but the weather was brutal today with snow, ice and rain slowing down one of the busiest travel days of the year flight delays ranged between one hour and the irishman on netflix. Steve oh [ laughter ] jimmy i read that about 30 Million People flew for thanksgiving sounds like a lot until you realize 50 million booked tickets. Steve oh [ light laughter ] jimmy yeah, travel was crazy all week long. I heard that the day before thanksgiving, a woman actually gave birth on an American Airline flight [ audience ohs ] while it was happening, the guy next to her was like, you know what i will buy those headphones. [ laughter ] some 2020 news during a speech in iowa yesterday, jill biden was introducing her husband and something a little strange happened take a look. President of the United States [ light laughter ] [ laughter ] jimmy it got worse when she pulled her finger out and his teeth were still attached. Steve really [ laughter ] jimmy i mean, that was that was awful meanwhile, everyone is talking about this all weekend people have been memeing this shot of baby yoda sipping soup in the latest episode of the mandalorian. Take a look at him here. Aw [ audience aws ] while some classic memes arent too sure about this new meme on the block. Check out what they had to say kermit said, not the first green guy sipping meme ive seen, but thats none of my business. [ laughter ] willy wonka said, oh, so a little magical man likes warm drinks how very original. [ laughter ] and finally joe biden said, am i doing it right [ laughter ] am i doing the meme right . [ cheers and applause steve thats malarkey. Jimmy as i said, the big sunday night game between the new England Patriots and the Houston Texans took place earlier tonight right here on nbc. Now, as you know, at the end of every season they give out awards like the most valuable player but they also give out awards in the middle of the season. Ill show you what i mean. Its time for tonight show superlatives here we go [ cheers and applause tonight sho superlatives [ cheers and applause jimmy our first player is Cullen Gillaspia hes a fullback for the texans he was voted most likely to be a background villager in shrek. [ laughter and applause next up from the patriots is Julian Edelman he was voted most likely to have modeled for a harlequin book called the naughty ranch hand. [ laughter ] next from the patriots is joe thuney he was voted most likely not allowed to do the coin toss anymore, because he always just yells, coin [ laughter ] coin next up from the texans is jahleel addae. [ laughter ] next up from the patriots is tom brady. He was voted most likely to host a 5 00 a. M. Peloton class called rise and grind. [ laughter ] next up from the patriots is stephon gilmore. He was voted most likely to say his eyebrows arent speaking right now, because theyre in a fight. [ laughter ] next up from the texans is nick martin. He was voted most likely to think a threesome is when you have breakfast, lunch, and dinner at the same time. [ laughter ] steve pancakes jimmy not my first one, either steve come on, man jimmy next up from the texans is their star wide receiver Deandre Hopkins he was voted most likely to ask his barber for the little bo peep. [ laughter ] and finally, from the texans is dylan cole he was voted swolest toddler [ laughter ] there you guys have it those are your nfl superlatives [ cheers and applause finally, guys, i dont know if you heard this, but Health Officials [ laughter ] you might have heard, i dont know Health Officials are warning people not to store thanksgiving leftovers for too long, because they can get unsafe to eat. [ audience oohs but as for me [ light laughter ] im holding out for one more turkey sandwich [ cheers ] im holding out for one more turkey sandwich if i eat it i get e. Col if i eat it i will die if i enjoy i im a happy guy will i kill bacteri if its fried holding out for one more turkey sandwich [ cheers and applause holding out for one more turkey sandwich jimmy everybody, sing along holding out for jimmy thats right come on. Holding out for one more turkey sandwich hoing out fodwich one more turkey sandwich ole more turkey sandwich turkey sandwich holding out for one more turkey sandwich turkey sandwich holding out fo one more turkey sandwich holding out for one more turkey sandwich turkey sandwich holding out fo one more turkey sandwich turkey sandwich holding out fo one more turkey sandwich holding out for one more turkey sandwich [ cheers and applause jimmy we have a great show give it up for the roots [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy thanks, everybody. We have such a fun show tonight. Tiffany haddish is here [ cheers and applause i love her steve love her jimmy Lakeith Stanfield is here steve oh [ cheers and applause jimmy and we got great music from the Free Nationals featuring anderson. Paak [ cheers and applause guys, tonight was the big game here on nbc, which means there were a lot of football parties and it can be hard to throw the perfect party. But my pal Country Music superstar luke bryan told me about these guys that you can call to make sure everything goes great theyre called the Football Party patrol and they always get the job done take a look. [ cheers and applause dude, games on in five minutes. Got any snacks wings, chips, beer. This partys in trouble [ doorbell ] not anymore we are th Football Party patro getting your party out of control so when you need snacks for the big game call the party patro well save the day got the wings marinatin in the fridg with the sauce so ho it will burn your lips if you need a drink well we got them all cheese curls cheese puff and of course cheese balls got a jersey on of your favorite playe got that dip made of seven layers all of our friends coming to this hous just use a napki dont wipe on the couch and i brought 15 pounds of cod i caught it in the se with my fishing rod cod is the perfec football snack loaded with omega 3s thats a good fat sounds good right [ cheers and applause guys all i want to do is eat that guac i wish i coul get paid in guac avocado jalapeno i how i like to rock then pop a jalapeno popper queso so ho its a popper shocker cant get enoug of these football snacks but it stinks like fis and thats kind of whack thats on account o the cod i brough i put it in the microwav to make it hot the bad smells from the fishy stea crammed with phosphorous and protein maybe we could put the co in the freezer or we could eat it thatd be easier how about we pu all the cod outsid sure then ill bring more cod inside maybe we could put the co in the trash jimmy no [ record scratches ] no nobodys going to be putting the cod in the trash everybody is going to eat the cod, because i brought it. And thats the end of it thats the end of it [ light laughter ] if someone brings a dish to a party, you try it. You try it [ laughter ] just one bite, okay . One bite thats it. Thats the rule. Thats the party patrol politeness rule. [ light laughter ] [ laughter ] [ light laughter ] [ light laughter ] so maybe we were too hard on the cod now youre on your way to a killer bod a football snac fresh from the sea dense white fles yeah thats for me we are the football getting your party out of control so if you need snacks for your squad call the party patro and well bring the cod jimmy cod goals [ cheers and applause my thanks to luke bryan. Tiffany haddish joins us after the break. Stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause follow me to a place i know with Endless Possibilities so you can check your list off rowbyrow. Come on look around so much in store, youll spend much less but gift much more t. Jmaxx, marshalls, come onand homegoods. So bang bang, thereull spend much lgoes my bang bang, re i want my bang bang, i want my bang bang go bang bang there goes my bang bang, go bang bang, there goes my bazooka go bang bang, there goes my bang bang, i want my mind blown, i want my mind blown go bang bang, there goes my bazooka [ cheers and applause jimmy welcome back we love a good story here at the ton s [ cheers and applause tonight sho tonight show story time jimmy im going to need some help. So joining me, her new netflix special is black mitzvah is available on december 3rd. Please welcome my pal, Tiffany Haddish. [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy oh oh oh i love you pal check it out look at the love there [ cheers and applause Tiffany Haddish hey jimmy they love you. Alright, alright, tiffany, heres how heres how were going to do this were each going to take a turn telling a story to our audience about one topic. And tonights topic is the holidays okay. Jimmy okay so since youre my guest, im going to give you the honor of watching me go first [ laughter ] hi guys, im going to let yall look at me from the back [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause jimmy alright, the holidays im trying to think okay, story about the holidaysassi story that happened to me i went home. Ew yk, saugerties, new york so i was on saturday night live and id go visit my parents all the time and when i went, i just like to stay home. I didnt really like my mom was always like, lets go for dinner lets go to restaurants. Lets go out for dinner. I go, i dont want to go out for dinner. Because i came home. I want a home cooked meal. And i just dont want want to do anything so she goes, lets just go out. She liked to show me off because i was on saturday night live or whatever. And i go, i just if we do go out, just dont make a big deal i dont want to draw attention or do anything special i just want to go out and just have a fun thing. Like, dont embarrass me. Like, im not going to embarrass you. What . I go, already you already have kind of an attitude. So i go, alright. [ laughter ] so we go out and were out to we go to this restaurant and we sit down she goes, not sure if i really like this table. I go, dont you start. [ laughter ] and were sitting here this is where were sitting. And the waiter the server so its me, my dad and my mom. Dish, my dads dish, but not my moms dish [ light laughter ] so she goes, whats going on . And they go, sorry, we just were doing it right now well bring it as soon as its ready. And so shes like, oh my god. Okay oh my god. Okay, fine. And i go, its no big deal. Dont make a big thing. And you know, whatever so finally she goes were waiting, actually waiting a pretty long time she goes, im not going to eat. [ laughter ] dont you dont you please dont do this now she goes, im not going to eat the dinner. I go, just eat it its going to be fine. Please look, here it comes. So it comes out. And she goes, im not sure. I dont think im going to eat it. [ light laughter ] i go, mom, just please. Just do it just take a bite. So anyways, she takes a bite so were sitting there she takes a bite and she goes i go, oh, no, no. Are you are you choking oh my and so she goes my dad stands up my dad puts his finger in my moms moh. [ laughter ] and hes trying to pull the lamb out of her mouth. And then a woman from the other end of the restaurant runs over stckg tables over and and then gets to my mom. And she gives my mom the heimlich and i her sounds my mom never made these sounds. [ light laughter ] my mom was going like [ choking and then this lamb ball comes flying out of her mouth. And this woman saves my moms life and she sits down. Shes crying and i looked at her and i go, thank you for not embarrassing me. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause crazy. So my holiday story is a little different when i was about seven, we had a christmas. Like we didnt really celebrate christmas. My sda and the next day, we wake up and theres a tree in the living room. Thiis so cool. And we i got a bike and so i decided i would ride my bike. To the liquor store. cause i wanted some pickles and koolaid and [ light laughter ] i mean, you aint lived til you got you got a pickle and then you dip it in the koolaid and then you eat it. Oh, thats the ghetto delight. [ light laughter ] and its a delicatessen. So, anyways [ laughter ] we get to the we get to the liquor store and its closed cause its christmas day. And apparently Liquor Stores arent open in the hood on christmas day. Why . [ laughter ] i dont know but we get back on our bikes and then we ride back to the house. And when we get back to the house, my mom and my stepdad are arguing. And my mom was like, why did you buy these toys we need to pay the rent. How could you buy all the toys and not pay the rent. Hes like, i felt like the kids deserve toys. And shes like, no, the kids deserve a roof over their head thats what they deserve. [ laughter ] and so they was arguing and stuff. And i was playing with my Rainbow Brite like, whatever. And [ laughter ] i was happy. And then but then they really argued, like, all night long and it really got on my nerves and i became unhappy so and then a week later, we got an eviction notice, so boo christmas. [ laughter ] [ applause ] jimmy come on, boo christmas. [ cheers and applause thats how you do it boo Christmas Jimmy boo christmas. Stick around well be right back with more Tiffany Haddish, everybody [ cheers and applause when you have nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea. Try pepto liquicaps for fast relief and ultracoating. Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea. Get powerful relief with pepto bismol liquicaps. The game can be rough on skin. Rehydrate and strengthen your skin. To bounce back. And rebound strong. 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Youll get unlimited talk and text and no activation or line fees. Switch today. Us jimmy my first guest tonight is a grammynominated emmy winner. Her new standup special black mitzvah will be available on netflix on tuesday, december 3rd please welcome the hilarious Tiffany Haddish. [ cheers and applause jimmy come on, we love you Tiffany Haddish. I love you too. Jimmy welcome back thank you jimmy how are you . Im successful. [ laughter ] im happy. Im happy. Jimmy how was your thanksgiving what did you do . For thanksgiving, i served food to the homeless at the laugh factory. And that was really an eye opening experience jimmy it is. It reminded me of where i came from and would never go back