Plans to increase restrictions on vaping out of fear that it could hurt his reelection chances because right now hes polling at 83 among high school dirt bags. [ laughter ] President Trump reportedly screened the joker at the white house this weekend for family and friends. Wow, thats a lot of makeup, said the joker [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause according to a new poll, mayor Pete Buttigieg now has a roughly tenpoint lead over the democratic field in iowa this is going to look amazing on his College Applications [ applause ] trump made an unplanned visit to Walter Reed Medical Center on saturday he tweeted he was there to visit the family of a young man having surgery. And while he was there he said, quote, also began phase one of my yearly physical everything very good [ laughter ] phase one of a physical. That sounded strange so we did some digging and discovered that his annual physical has five phases so lets take a look now at the five phases of Donald Trumps annual physical. Phase one, measure his official height and negotiate his official weight. [ applause ] phase two, a complete strip, spackle, priming, and repainting phase three, his annual battery of paternity tests phase four, surgically remove his hand from a nutella jar. And finally, phase five, ask about getting breast implants. Not the procedure. [ cheers and applause this has been the five phases of Donald Trumps annual physical according to the New York PostPresident Trumps childhood home has been taken off the Real Estate Market due to a lack of interest incidentally, lack of interest in trumps childhood is what got us here in the first place [ cheers and applause the bench today after missing part of last week with a stomach bug. And when i say she returned to the bench, i mean this one [ cheers and applause the national zoo in washington will return its giant panda bei bei to a chinese Breeding Program this week aboard a private flight with 66 pounds of bamboo and snacks. Which incidentally is exactly what air force one is like [ laughter ] the bamboo calms me down. A newspaper in england issued an apology last week after they published an obituary for a man who is still alive plus the obituary was titled good riddance. [ laughter ] and finally, today was mickey mouses 91st birthday and like most 91yearolds he celebrated by having no idea who or what disney plus is [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we got a great show for you tonight [ cheers and applause you can see her in the new Action Thriller 21 bridges in theaters this friday Sienna Miller is here, everybody. [ cheers and applause he is the star of a Beautiful Day in the neighborhood out this weekend, matthew rhys is back on the show [ cheers and applause and her powerful novel red at the bone is available now Jacqueline Woodson is here, everybody. [ cheers and applause so we got a great show for you before we get to everything, the president is facing three more days of impeachment hearings this week after a second day of damning testimony and yet another conviction of one of his associates for more on this its time for a closer look. [ cheers and applause now, if youve been following the impeachment hearings, i know what youve been thinking. Where is the evidence . I mean, only six of the president s closest aides and associates have been convicted or pled guilty to crimes i mean, who among us doesnt have at least six work friends who are also criminals [ laughter ] i mean, we all know every friend group has a carrie, a miranda, a charlotte, and a roger who looks like mary poppins coked up exboyfriend [ laughter ] that, of course, is roger stone, a longtime associate of President Trump in his actual outfit from the inauguration and on friday stone opened his magic umbrella and teleported himself to jail. Roger stone, the selfproclaimed dirty trickster and longtime associate of President Donald Trump and ally was found guilty in federal court of witness tampering and lying to congress about his pursuit of rand emails damaging to Hillary Clintons 2016 election bid. Man, who could have guessed this guy was a criminal . [ laughter ] i mean, he looks like a character from the 1960s adam west batman. [ applause ] when they closed the door of his jail cell, itll go, wham, clank, pow stone is now at least the sixth trump associate whos been convicted of or pled guilty to a crime. And im not even including trumps current lawyer Rudy Guiliani who we found out friday is under investigation for his links to Ukrainian Energy projects. Theyre two of rudys two associates lev and igor who are arrested in part for their role in this whole ukraine scheme remember these two this looks like a before and after picture except its before and even more before [ laughter ] they look like they got their start in a live action game of whackamole they look like they got fired from their jobs as mall santas for stealing from the food court. Wthought auntie annes wa why would auntie charge . In fact, on friday we also found out that these two dummies met privately with trump at the white house. And that they later told people theyd been given a secret mission by trump, himself. Weve learned that both of the men had a meeting with the president and Rudy Guiliani last year at the white houses annual Hanukah Party where they discussed what parnas describe as a secret mission to pressure the Ukrainian Government to investigate former Vice President joe biden and his son hunter days later we are told that parnas insinuated to people that he clearly believed hed been given a special assignment by the president. Some sort of, and im quoting here, James Bond Mission thats right. These guys thought they were on a James Bond Mission for trump [ light laughter ] im sorry, but these guys arent 007s theyre just double os [ light laughter ] but this is one where i might believe trump over them. I mean, i can imagine them cornering trump in a long,anne fish and trump trying to get out of it by just going, hey, will you guys go on, like, a secret mission for me . [ light laughter ] by the way, while all this was happening, the house was also conducting its second day of public impeachment hearings with the former ambassador to ukraine Marie Yovanovitch. Basically yovanovitch was the subject of a Smear Campaign by guiliani and was abruptly pushed out by trump because they knew she would be an obstacle to their corrupt scheme shes a Career Foreign Service officer whose credibility is unquestioned by anyone in either party. So naturally as she was testifying trump decided to attack her the president attacking former u. S. Ambassador to ukraine Marie Yovanovitch during her public testimony tweeting in part, everywhere Marie Yovanovitch went turned bad. She started off in somalia how did that go . Then fast forward to ukraine where the new ukrainian president spoke unfavorably about her in my second phone call with him. Everywhere she went turned bad . [ laughter ] youve gone bankrupt six times and botched everything from casinos to your charity to your dumbass busiss you made a vodka so bad no one would vodka. How do you screw up vodka . Only trump [ cheers and applause only trump could take something could take something thats supposed to be flavorless and make it taste like [ bleep ] [ laughter ] but the worst part is trump tweeted this while she was testifying he tried to intimidate an impeachment witness in real time so she responded in real time. And not only was it a bad look for trump. But legal analysts also suggested his tweet might have been a crime as we sit here testifying the president is attacking you on twitter. What effect do you think that has on other witnesses willingness to come forward and expose wrongdoing . Well, its very intimidating. Its designed to intimidate, is it not . I mean, i cant speak to what the president is trying to do. But i think the effect is to be intimidating i think theres a good argument that given all the circumstances here, given the timing right in the middle of this persons testimony, given the nature of the tweet, that it could be witness tampering or witness retaliation. This could fit into federal laws that are broadly defined in terms of witness tampering seth thats right, trump committed witness tampering during an impeachment hearing. Thats like punching the bailiff during your assault trial. [ laughter ] but i think i know what hes doing here you see, trump figures that if he just keeps committing impeachable offenses democrats will have to keep investigating those offenses which means theyll never actually have time to impeach him. He thinks he can just keep committing crimes to run out the clock. At the next hearing hes going to drop in from the ceiling and steal everyones wallets like tom cruise in mission impossible. [ laughter ] in fact, this was so bad that even fox news had to admit when it happened that trump had only strengthened the impeachment case against him the president was not advised by counsel in deciding to do this tweet extraordinarily poor judgment. And that does raise the possibility of witness intimidation and witness tampering as a new charge here this whole hearing turned on a dime when the president tweeted about her real time. Now, that enabled schiff to then characterize that tweet as intimidating the witness or tampering with the witness, which is a crime adding essentially an article of impeachment real time. Seth thats right. Trump added another article of impeachment in real time at this point he just should just start doing dvd directors comm as you can see here thats Marie Yovanovitch. I pushed her out so i could bribe the president of ukraine that was a fun scene and, oh, heres jim jordan we pulled a prank on set where we stole jims jacket. [ laughter ] still, if youre republican, i get it its just so hard to say is trump innocent or is he guilty i mean, all we have so far is the six Trump Associates convicted of a crime two more indicted associates saying they were on a secret mission for him. His lawyer under criminal investigation. Trump himself committing witness tampering. The whistleblowers account claiming the president clearly committed criminal acts. And notes from the call in which trump mentions the bidens multiple times the part of the call where trump tells the ukrainian president , i would like you to do us a favor. The president chief of staff literally confessing on National TelevisionRudy Guiliani going on tv and bragging about what he was doing. And, like, a bunch of witnesses saying, yes, there was a quid pro quo. Im sorry, thats not enough to convict [ cheers and applause republicans wont budge unless we have a photo of trump on the out of his mouth saying, i am doing a crime now. [ light laughter ] where trump told the president we just have no way of knowing what he really meant its not like trump has said himself on camera for the entire world to see that he wanted the president of ukraine to start a Major Investigation into the bidens what exactly did you hope zelensky would do about the bidens after your phone call well, i would think that if they were honest about it theyd start a Major Investigation into the bidens its a very simple answer. They should investigate the bidens seth damn it, donald why are you so coy . [ light laughter ] but in case you still needed more evidence tytr extort a foreign country to investigate his political rivals by dangling hundreds of millions of dollars in taxpayer money you got that evidence from last weeks impeachment hearings multiple witnesses tied trump and his lawyer Rudy Guiliani directly to the quid pro quo and one witness, ambassador bill taylor, even revealed somee ambassador to the eu, sa a staf recently told him about this conversation involving the president and the trump donor turned ambassador to the eu gordon sondland. In the presence of my staff at a restaurant, ambassador sondland called President Trump and told him of his meetings in kiev the member of my staff could hear President Trump on the phone asking ambassador sondland about the investigations this was a cell phone i take it it was a cell phone the president must have been speaking loud enough for your staff member to be able to overhear this . He was. Seth these guys are such morons trump was in the process of committing a crime and he was screaming into the phone so loudly everyone on the other end could hear him thats what happens when youre used to doing all your press conferences outside next to a giant helicopter [ laughter ] its like taking a date to a i said, im having a really great time tonight did you say youd like to commit a crime tonight . Yeah [ laughter ] trump yelled so loud everyone could hear him honestly it would have been easier if trump had just held a Conference Call and let everyone dial in. President trump has joined the Conference Call. Hello, everybody, thank you very much for being here ukraine should investigate the bidens and im guilty this Conference Call has ended. [ laughter ] so a witness literally overheard trump yelling about his crime on a phone call with one of his key henchmen. And just in case it wasnt already incredibly clear what had happened on that call, we found out on friday from that witness what happened next the witness, a state department olme testified that after sondland hung up with trump he basically admitted everything on the spot. Following the call with President Trump the member of my staff asked ambassador sondland what President Trump thought about ukraine. Ambassador sondland responded that President Trump cares more about the investigations of biden which guiliani was pressing for i want to a read a section his opening statement. In particular i asked ambassador sondland this is david holmes speaking if it was true that the president did not give a [ bleep ], excuse the language, about ukraine . Ambassador sondland agreed the president did not give a [ bleep ] about ukraine. Seth he literally hung up the phone and said, trump doesnt give a [ bleep ] about ukraine. He only cares about investigating the bidens he just admitted it its like if you saw your spouse on their phone and said, are you texting a friend . And they said, honey, shes more than a friend she is my mistress. [ laughter ] so fridays deposition could not have made it any more clear. Not only did trump try to extort the president of ukraine during his own phone call with that countrys president. Trump was also calling other key players in the scheme and checking in with them too. In fact, during his deposition on friday holmes also said that he overheard sondland and trump discussing the Pressure Campaign directed toward ukrainian president zelensky and what he heard was both very colorful and very damning. I heard ambassador sondland greet the president and explain that he was calling from kiev. I heard President Trump then clarify that ambassador sondland was in Ukraine Ambassador sondland replied, yes, he was in ukraine and went on to state that president zelensky loves your ass. Seth thats right trumps henchman actually told him, zelensky loves your ass. I mean, its classic bad guy talk thats something the wolf of wall street would stay after snortingai strippers butt. Woo, daddy loves your ass. [ cheers and applause now trump has denied ever taking the call from sondland despite that fact that we now have multiple witnesses confirming it although its clear from his denial that trump was, as always, lying. There was one moment where ambassador bill taylor recounted a conversation that an aide of his overheard, in which the aide says he overheard you say to sondland how are things going with proceeding with the investigations . Is that correct . And can you fill in some more i know nothing about that first time ive heard it do you recall a conversation with sondland . I dont recall, no. Not at all seth yeah but you do any time trump says he doesnt recall, he definitely recalls. He always does this. You can show flash cards of the people closest to him in his life and hed pretend he doesnt recognize them what, no, never met him doesnt look familiar. Is he an extra in the walking dead . i dont [ laughter ] i dont know. Trump has pulled this move so many times and every time we found out that hes lying. Remember when the news first broke that his lawyer Michael Cohen had illegally paid off Stormy Daniels to cover up trumps affair with her . Trump denied knowing anything about it but later found out that trump had reimbursed cohen and orchestrated the whole thing in fact, we literally saw a copy of the check trump wrote to cohen. And you can tell its trumps signature because it looks like he was trying to draw a Straight Line while riding a seesaw [ laughter ] we already have all the evidence we can possibly need and theres still more witnesses waiting to testify. Republicans have no defense. All they can do during these hearings is perform for trump to earn his approval. I wouldnt