Tonight, join jimmy and his guests Rachel Maddow, pamela adlon musical guest joji anfeaturing the legendary roots crew questlove 1216 steve and now, here he is, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy thank you very much. Please, please, welcome, welcome, welcome enjoy yourself thank you so much for being here welcome to the tonight show. Youre here. [ cheers and applause you made it. You made it the show thank you for watching guys, im so excited about this Rachel Maddow is my guest tonight steve oh [ cheers and applause jimmy rachel will break down the South Carolina primary, walk us through super tuesday, and tell us about the coronavirus. And by the end of her segment, democrats will be like, can she just be the nominee . [ laughter ] thats right, saturday was the South Carolina primary and by sunday night Pete Buttigieg dropped out of the race. [ audience aws ] buttigieg said he was ending his campaign to, quote, help bring the party and our country together. Yeah with that kind of attitude, its clear he wasnt president ial material. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause i i feel badly that buttigieg is out of the race especially since the president spent so much time trying to learn his name [ laughter ] buttigieg buttigieg. You say boot and then add edge edge buttigieg. Buttigieg. Buttigieg [ cheers and applause jimmy but it wasnt just buttigieg. Tom steyer also dropped out of the race he said, i cant see a path where i win the presidency. That probably would have helped if that wasnt also his campaign slogan. [ laughter ] i cant see a path where i win the presidency. [ cheers and applause its basic but it didnt stop with buttigieg and steyer because just a few hours ago, Amy Klobuchar also dropped out [ audience aws ] amy said, even after all of that klomentum, i decided to klo away. Steve oh [ laughter ] jimmy but this is interesting, klobuchar dropped out and immediately endorsed joe biden. [ audience ohs ] at the end of her speech she said, im Vice PresidentAmy Klobuchar, and i approve this message. [ laughter ] [ applause ] we know. We know what youre doing. Thats right, the big winner in South Carolina was joe biden in fact, i heard that he even got a congratulatory phone call from president obama when biden asked for obamas endorsement, he was like, im going through a tunnel [ laughter ] my my phones at 2 . [ laughter ] [ speaking Foreign Language during his rally in houston today, joe biden tried to quote the declaratof independence but i think he had a little trouble with it. Watch. We hold these truths to be selfevident all men and women created by you know the you know the thing. [ laughter ] jimmy what wha what . Later, biden was like, i pledge allegiance to the whatever Everybody Knows what im talking about. [ laughter ] as soon as they saw that, buttigieg, steyer, and klobuchar all jumped back into the race [ laughter ] there you go trump saw that and was like, damn. Game recognize game. [ laughter ] but tomorrow is super tuesday and it looks like Bernie Sanders could win big in california and texas [ cheers and applause when asked about super tuesday, bernie said, super tuesday. Soup or tuesday . Soup or tuesday . Ill have the soup all right. [ laughter ] thats right, a lot of people are saying that were down to a twoman race between bernie and biden. Can we see those two yeah [ laughter ] usually guys like that only fight over the last largeprint copy of readers digest. [ laughter ] thats right, were one slip and fall away from having a oneman race [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] meanwhile, this weekend, President Trump showed up at cpac and started talking about how Elizabeth Warren took down Mike Bloomberg at the debates. He even included a new impression of bloomberg. Watch this she was really mean to mini mike. Ill tell you. The way she treated him. He didnt know what him. Hes going, oh, get me off of this stage get me off [ laughter ] get me off of this stage [ laughter jimmy trump spent two days working on that impression and [ laughter ] two minutes working on the coronavirus. [ light laughter ] [ audience ohs ] [ cheers and applause everyone is still talking about the coronavirus, and now new york has its first confirmed case you can tell new yorkers are real worried because the price of hamilton tickets dropped to just 9,000 i mean, its [ laughter ] its rough out there but the cdc has been reminding everyone to wash their hands for 20 seconds or as they call it, the time it takes to sing happy birthday twice. Apparently measuring the time in popular songs is working because today i saw this new commercial from the cdc. Check it out the centers for Disease Control presents handwashing hits a collection of classic 20second songs to scrub your hands to youll get hundreds of hits like happy birthday sung twice. take me out to the ball game just once. The seven nation army riff hummed five times. The guitar part in sweet child of mine before axl rose starts singing. Four we will, we will rock you. The really long daaaay in phil withers lovely day. the bradley cooper, lady gaga harmony part at the end of shallow. dj khaled saying, another one twenty times. And many more. Order today and get a bonus cd of handwashing songs for kids quarantine bop. Call now [ applause ] jimmy quarantine bop . Steve bop. Goodness jimmy and finally i read about a man in ohio who gave up for a food for lent and said hes only drinking beer. [ laughter ] i think the guy might have a a drinking problem because hes actually jewish. [ laughter ] we have a great show give it up for the roots, everybody [ cheers and applause [ cheers and applause jimmy we have a fun show tonight, everybody Rachel Maddow is here steve oh [ cheers and applause jimmy number one New York Times best seller pamela adlon is here steve oh jimmy man, shes a a superstar. [ cheers and applause and we got great music from joji, everybody [ cheers and applause listen to them scream for joji joji is here steve joji jimmy i sound like regis philbin. Joji is here. I had such a fun weekend steve what did you do . Jimmy i went to see the syracuse game in syracuse with my buddies Julian Edelman and tom brady. Steve ooh jimmy no big deal. Heres us sitting there watching the game. Three goodlooking dudes [ laughter ] people couldnt tell who was who. [ laughter ] you want to ever feel not famous go to a sporting event with Julian Edelman and tom brady [ laughter ] people people did not care i was there at all ah, they were stepping over to me ooh, tom brady i go, yeah, whatever. [ laughter ] it was fun we sat there right behind coach boeheim. And it was really fun. Ive never even ive been to, like, one other college game its intense so much fun. So much energy and all the people rooting for the syracuse fans they didnt win but didnt matter to me i was just happy to be there and i was next to some reporter guy and every time he turned around id type stuff in his twitter. [ laughter ] you cant sit next to me and not expect that. Steve yeah jimmy i was typing, like, i love tacos. [ laughter ] tweeting out, yeah buddys my bae, stuff like that [ laughter ] but i went up, i conducted with the band with the school band they were great and really nice and let me do that i got in a little trouble. Who cares . [ laughter ] but during the timeouts, you know, they do these like, challenges, like, you know, that you can win a ticket to or a free pizza, or whatever, like that and so the had one girl came out. She was they had her lie on a mattress if she could make the shot from the mattress, you win a free mattress and she did. It was pretty cool so i wanted to do that so they were like, do you want to do, like, a 30second contest, this challenge. In 30 seconds you have to make a layup, you have to do a free throw, and then hit a threepointer. Now, i dont know if im not the most athletic person [ light laughter ] but i gave it a shot here, someone got it on video. Jimmy i missed that one. I missed oh, no, i made that one. Air ball that was an air ball oh [ cheers and applause three pointer . Heyoh [ applause ] steve bam [ fog horn ] jimmy whipped it right into the student section. Anyways, i want to say thanks to everyone at Syracuse University for having me coach boeheim. [ cheers and applause tom, julian. Thank you so much. Oh, and tom brady told me that hes got to the jets steve really jimmy we can edit that out right . [ laughter ] hey, guys, whenever i need a a pickmeup, i go to my main source of spiritual strength, inspirational quotes posted on instagram. So its time for blessed, inspired. [ cheers and applause blessed, inspired [ laughter ] jimmy our first inspirational quote is, Love Thy Neighbor as thyself. Especially if thy neighbor has netflix thou art secretly stealing. [ laughter and applause how about this morsel . [ laughter ] steve oh jimmy a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush but if you keep grabbing birds youre definitely going to get banned from the zoo again. [ laughter and applause you dont want to be banned from the zoo again heres a treasure. [ light laughter ] each day provides its own gifts. Like last tuesday when you saw kevin from accounting rollerblading to work and totally biff it. [ laughter and applause you shouldnt you shouldnt laugh at that this is a little blessing. [ light laughter ] steve oh jimmy the only Thing Holding you back is your imagination. Unless your name is dirk then thats probably holding you back, too. Sorry, dirk. [ laughter and applause heres a spot of light [ laughter ] fall seven times, get up eight. And then maybe think about laying off the vodka for a a while. Its 5 00 p. M. , bro [ laughter and applause [ bell rings ] [ laughter ] and now another touch of inspiration. [ light laughter ] if youre feeling overwhelmed, sometimes you just need to sit down and take a deep breath. Youll still be overwhelmed but at least youre sitting down now. [ laughter and applause heres a make believe taste of granola. [ laughter ] its never too late to do the right thing. But keep in mind that the taco bell drivein closes at 1 00 a. M. On weekdays. [ laughter and applause steve oh jimmy making choices [ light laughter ] jimmy were down to our last gentle, little nugget steve oh [ laughter ] ew, gross. Jimmy creativity is contagious so put yourself out there. But the coronavirus is also contagious so on Second Thought [ laughter ] maybe stay inside for a while. [ cheers and applause thats all the time we have for blessed, inspired. Stick around well be right back with more tonight show. [ cheers and applause protect your pet with the 1 name in flea and tick protection. Frontline plus. Trusted by vets for nearly 20 years. Could put cookies creme in twix. Twix frontline plus. This is a right twix. Excuse me. [screams into pillow] new twix cookies creme. Nyquifor your worst cold andrful relieflu symptoms, on sunday night and every night. Nyquil severe. The nightime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, best sleep with a cold, medicine. Burrito. Raw kitfo fried shiso. Pork chop. Soda pop. Soursop. Hot pot. Scallop. 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So, as a service to you guys, im about to play you some real songs from real bands that i think you should avoid in a segment i call my do not play list here we go [ cheers and applause do not play do not pla do not pla these songs these songs jimmy now, before we start, i just want you to know that every artist and song that im about to play for you is 100 real theyre actual bands and actual songs. Quest, they really are you can download them on spotify or amazon or see if your local music store has them they are real people yeah so, lets see whats on my do not play list this first one oh man is a solo artist named roger simon. Steve oh, great. Jimmy and the album is called enhancements. Steve oh [ light laughter ] jimmy so, what he does is he takes preexisting songs he does, like, a cover of them, right . And then enhances them steve oh jimmy by singing while banging pencils on a pan [ laughter ] which explains the cover anyways, one of the songs that he enhanced is the 70s classic i can see clearly now by johnny nash. [ light laughter ] no, no you know, i dont wanna judge too soon lets listen to rogers version. [ pots clanging [ pots clanging i can see all obstacle in my way [ pots clanging gone are the jimmy stop, stop, stop, stop [ laughter ] steve wow jimmy sounds like a huge improvement to me. Steve oh yeah. [ laughter ] jimmy he definitely enhanced it. The next one is from a singer named joel pomerantz, and the song is called bowling. Heres a nice crisp shot of [ laughter ] joel singing. Steve nice jimmy anyways lets take a a listen [ laughter ] thats the album cover questlove is that comic sans font . Jimmy yeah, no [ laughter ] look, lets not judge on that. Lets just lets listen to the song lets take a listen to bowling. Bowling Bowling Bowling bowlin Bowling BowlingBowling Bowling bowling its the sport that so intrigues people go to play in leagues gutter ball gutter bal gutter ball its been calle the sport of kings by those who confuse it with horse racing [ pots clanging [ laughter and applause [ cheers and applause but im sur on their minds those kids had other things than when the would next go jimmy stop, stop, stop i had to enhance i had to enhance it a little bit. [ laughter ] steve sport of kings Bowling Bowling gutter ball gutter ball jimmy oh, the next one is from a legendary musician roy ayers. The album is called in the dark. Theres roy looking very mysterious there with a black cat. [ light laughter ] he he was on our show right . Questlove yeah, he sat in a few times. Hes legendary jimmy yeah well anyways, lets take a a listen to this this is a song called poo poo la la. [ laughter ] steve poo poo la la . Jimmy thats the name of the song here we go she was the kind of woman that would trim your toenails at 5 00 in the morning [ laughter ] i can remember th first time we met in new york cit in central park i was wearing a pair of white sneakers and a pair of white shorts and i had a white tshirt on with the inscription that read in the front of i earth wind and fire ima tell you the first words i whispered in her ear i pulled her close to me and i said thes words to her baby let me kiss you on your poo poo la la [ laughter ] met me kiss you on your poo poo la la jimmy stop, stop, stop, stop steve what [ laughter and applause jimmy oh, no, no, no steve no, what jimmy poo poo, what . Steve he may kiss you . Jimmy its a diff times are different. Steve yeah on the poo poo la la jimmy i didnt even know i have no idea what a poo poo la la is steve no not specifically jimmy i have an idea steve i have a general idea [ laughter ] jimmy yeah steve depends on its where the poo poo happens or the la la happens [ laughter and applause one or the other jimmy i dont know all right. I dont yeah, i dont know steve familyfriendly show steve yeah, were a family show we just want to know knowledge jimmy all right. Thats all [ laughter ] lets move on to something a a little more family friendly. This is a group called the kelly family steve hey. Jimmy there they are there one Big Happy Family with their lead singer moses, apparently. [ laughter ] well, lets steve thats a lot of kelly. Jimmy lets listen to ah lets oh. Lets take a listen to aint gonna pee pee my bed tonight. Steve okay [ laughter ] quest what aint gonna pee pee me bed tonight aint gonna pee pe my bed tonight aint gonna pee pee m bed tonigh aint gonna pee pee my bed tonight aint gonna pee pee m bed tonigh aint gonna pee pe aint gonna pee pee aint gonna pee pee aint gonna pee pe aint gonna pee pe aint gonna p jimmy alright, stop, stop that [ cheers and applause what is going on steve they shamed that kid on stage [ laughter ] jimmy spoiler alert. They actually ended up peeing their beds that night. [ laughter ] were down to our last album its from a canadian singer called tomcatt and the song is called yes love. [ light laughter ] there he is right there. Anyway, lets take a listen to yes love. Walking beside yo every da makes me so prou i just gotta say that louhuhuhuhuhve louhuhuhuhuhuhu uhuhove you jimmy i like this one, too im going to keep this song. All right. Guys, thats all the time we have for do not play. [ cheers and applause if you have an album or a song you think we should use on our next do not play list, i wanna see it send your suggestions to donotplay thetonightshow. Com well be right back wit rachel maddo and i louhuhuhuhove her i louhuhuhuhuhove her [ cheers and applause we do it every night. Every night. I live alone, but i still do it every night. Right after dinner. Definitely after meatloaf. Like clockwork. Do it run your dishwasher every night with cascade platinum. A load with as few as 8 dishes, is all it takes to save water. An Energy Star Certified dishwasher uses less than four gallons per cycle. While handwashing uses that, every two minutes. So, do it. Run your dishwasher every night with cascade platinum. The surprising way to save water. cat 2 fwhoa so many choices cat 1 look extra gravy cat 2 and lil soups cat 1 theres the shreds cat 2 yeah friskies has it all. cat 1 i want it all can i have it all . vo feed their fantasy. Friskies. mom vo we got a subaru to give him some ato reconnect and be together. And once we did that, we realized his greatest adventure is just beginning. vo welcome to the mo