We and nbc decided it be smarter to not have an audience in order to do our part to help decrease the spread of the coronavirus. So the shows gonna be a little different than it normally is. Like you, im watching the news and im just as confused and freaked out as you are i know that speech last night didnt help. But what i do know is when were there for each other, were at our best. And i am here for you. We are here for you. I want to thank your staff and crew, many of them who worked from home [ cheers and applause to put on this show tonight. I really appreciate you guys were gonna try to entertain you. Were gonna have dr. Oz on here in a little bit to walk us through whats going on and what we can do so if you want, maybe put your phones down and enjoy an hour of mindless entertainment. Its going to be a fun show. The roots are here [ cheers and applause higgins is here. Now lets start the monologue. Here we go [ light laughter ] steve budget cuts. Jimmy could we get smaller cards . Steve yeah, no jimmy when we have a a regular show, theyre bigger cards. Steve yeah jimmy well, guys, if the world isnt suffering enough, last night on the masked singer we found out sarah palin was the bear and she even performed without her mask check it out [ light laughter ] jimmy im sure its fine i mean, when has a conservative celebrity on a reality show ever been a problem . [ light laughter ] of course, the big story is the coronavirus. These are some really tense times. Seriously, at this point i wouldnt mind a massage from joe biden. Last night President Trump addressed the nation from the oval office. It was a nice change from his usual speeches right next to a a helicopter [ helicoper whilring ] im about to go on a trip in this flying whirlybird car we go in sky now byebye. This is only the second time trump has addressed the country from the oval office the first was during the great mcrib shortage of 2018 [ light laughter ] actually the last time trump spoke from the oval office, it was about his plans to build his border wall, which means in two years the coronavirus should be about 10 taken care of [ laughter ] but trump wanted to give a a speech to reassure the nation that everything is going to be okay, and i think it worked. Today the stock market only dropped 2,000 points [ laughter ] during his address, trump said starting friday people from europe cant fly to the u. S. He was like, we have to stop the virus so instead of everyone flying here, i want everyone to take a cruise. [ light laughter ] [ laughter ] and officials normally when we do this, we rehearse these jokes steve right. Jimmy in front of a rehearsal audience, but today obviously theres no audience. Just bear that in mind [ light laughter ] i think you know already steve yeah jimmy yeah anyways. Yeah and officials want to be very careful with americans returning from europe. They said the only thing worse than coming back with the virus is coming back and pronouncing barcelona, barthelona. [ laughter ] questlove espresso jimmy but early on in trumps address last night, he struggled with the word continuing. I am confident that by counting and continuing to take these tough measures [ laughter ] jimmy can we see what can we watch that again . What was it . I am confident that by counting and continuing to take the tough measures jimmy thats good, thats good, thats good. [ laughter ] steve oh im confident by counting and continuing it sounds like his tongue is quarantined from his mouth [ laughter ] was someone pinching him under the desk counting [ indiscernible did you see this cspan did a live stream of trumps speech, but it went on a little longer than they meant to you could actually see trump after his speech was over. Watch this were clear okay. Okay [ light laughter ] steve come on jimmy hes like, okay so so that just happened. Okay. Sounds like everyone trying to wrap a long call with their parents. Okay. I gotta run. Mm steve hmm. Jimmy mm steve oh, thats a new pile oh, come on. No no questlove no jimmy dude, im waiting for jp morgan and stop me. Questlove no no steve oh twitter jimmy okay and thats not all today, trump spoke alongside the Prime Minister of ireland. You can tell trump enjoyed his time with the irish Prime Minister cause right after he declared the coronavirus magically contagious [ light laughter ] questlove hey theyre magically contagious jimmy but this isnt good. Last night the nba announced that they are suspending the season indefinitely. That means across the country, there are now 30 empty arenas. Or as thats also known as a a tour for three doors down. [ laughter ] steve oh, no you didnt [ cymbal crash ] oh, snap steve what steve wow jimmy i didnt i didnt write it i didnt do it you said it. What whats three doors whats a song three doors down do superman. Jimmy oh, oh if i go crazy then will you stil call me superman holding my hand my super human my kryptonit yeah jimmy its not that bad. [ light laughter ] how do you know that i know almost every word questlove im impressed that we know that. [ laughter ] im sorry. Jimmy we should write down all the new songs steve yeah, exactly. Jimmy while doing these shows. Yeah steve there you go jimmy right . Steve yeah jimmy a lot of things are happening. In fact, a lot of companies have sent home nonessential employees. So if youre home right now, im glad you are safe and sorry that youre considered nonessential [ laughter ] sorry i guess im not essential. Is that cool . Steve come on. Jimmy and finally, i read about a company that started selling packs of 20 premade jello shots americans heard and were like, forget purell just give us that. Hey [ rim shot ] thats it. That is tonights monologue, everyone, right there. [ light laughter ] i dont know why were saving steve come on, yeah. Jimmy maybe ill put it on an inspiration board or something. Hey, guys, the players championship on the pga tour started today. This is im so happy we did this and even though there wont be any spectators this year, it still looks like its gonna be a great tournament we wanted to do Something Really fun with the pros so we gave them a bunch of weird phrases and asked them to sneak those phrases into their interviews as casually as possible no one knew we were doing this here, check it out its time for drop it in. Drop it i drop it in drop it in yeah twelfth hole over here, tpc sawgrass what is your strategy when you get up to that tee yeah, so some guys lay up we like to play it aggressive. Hit driver you know, you get a chance to make eagle my caddy and is philosophy on that hole is dont slap a pig if you dont want to hear it oink [ ding ] its like you know my putting looks good im not making enough puts or like, you know, im driving it pretty good my irons are pretty good but lets get them a little bit better you know, sometimes you just got to refry your own beans, you know [ ding ] plenty of water a lot of bunkers, a lot of funky little ones. And honestly, im not happy unless theyre sand in my pants. [ ding ] this year i think im good im playing really good. You know, sometimes you just need to be you know, just need to butter your putter a a little bit [ ding ] just need to be nice to it i had a big putt on 12 for birdie and another big putt on 15 after a great six iron. So, yeah, i like big putts and i cannot lie [ laughter ] its an extremely tough week you know what they say about the rough. Thats where the four leaf clovers are. [ ding ] any last questions for brooks all right, brooks. Thanks so much for your time thanks. [ ding ] and do you have time for a couple more . No. Sorry. My table is ready at chilis [ ding ] did fallon put you up to the whole i like big putts line . No. Jimmy didnt no that was i dont think jimmy even could have even come up with that line [ laughter ] jimmy those were great thank you, rory. You can check out the players championship on nbc and golf channel today through sunday thank you to all the players who participated in that [ applause ] guys, it is time for tonight show hashtags. Hashtag hashtag jimmy thats very odd. Are we okay on time . Am i going too fast . Okay, good im so used to yeah you have been very quiet steve whats that . Jimmy youve been very quiet. Steve why would you say that [ light laughter ] jimmy first time you laughed. Steve i laugh at my own jokes. I got a bunch of them running in my head [ light laughter ] oh, that wasnt good [ light laughter ] jimmy what was that one . Steve tough color. I didnt like it jimmy filthy, yeah steve filthy joke. Jimmy okay, guys, we do this thing every week where i send out a hashtag and we ask you guys to respond to that topic. Since the new season of Little Big Shots recently started up again, i thought it would be fun to start the hashtag kid quotes where you send in funny things you heard a kid say within minutes, the hashtag became the number two trending topic in the u. S [ cheers and applause so thank you for playing along now i thought id share some of my favorite kid quotes from you guys this first one is from vacaywithbrook. She says, my fouryearold said daddy doesnt have to wear a seat belt because his big belly will protect him. steve oh [ laughter ] jimmy daddy has a fivestar rating this ones from keithbristol. Was it kiethbristol. Steve kieth. Jimmy kieth bristol. Steve hes from bristol. Jimmy briftol. He says, my wife and i asked our third grade daughter what she learned in health class. She said, i learned that boys had tentacles. [ light laughter ] this ones from tlynn983. Steve uhhuh jimmy what do you think t stands for steve terry. [ light laughter ] jimmy they say, we walked outside one night and my fiveyearold daughter said, wow, its bitch black out here. [ laughter ] steve damn jimmy thats really funny. Come on, man this ones from christyrenee. She says, at a liquor store, a man walked in with a little kid who said, daddy, why do we always have to come here . [ light laughter ] [ cymbal crash ] steve oh jimmy youll understand when youre older. This one is from coachjdjones he says, my son got shots and when he got back into the waiting room, he looked at all the other kids and said, they hurt you in there. [ light laughter ] steve dont go. Jimmy this is from babyduckyoongi. She says, when my brother was little, he asked my aunt how she can make the scale go so high. Steve oh [ laughter ] wow. Jimmy you did it questlove yeah, i got in trouble. [ laughter ] jimmy this ones from meredithaellis. She said, i was teaching kindergarteners about vitamins and one kind said her dad takes vitimans i asked her what he takes, she said, viagra. [ light laughter ] steve oh come on. Jimmy come on. Steve come on. Jimmy come on. Steve dont be so hard on the kid. Come on. [ light laughter ] jimmy how would you play the blues if you played the blues . Would you do it like that . Like, on a stool like, kind of b. B. Kingstyle. Steve yeah, id do it on a a stool. Jimmy head shaking and bite your bottom lip maybe. Steve id have a Cigar Box Guitar jimmy oh, really like oh, i see. So it looks like you are not going to be good steve yeah, but then jimmy you surprise people. Steve im great. Right. Jimmy yeah, youre like, oh, im just i dont even know i made this out of a cigar box. Steve i just made this and suddenly its like django reinhardt, im like all over jimmy i would get one of those kind of gross looking guitars. Steve like willy nelsons or Something Like and old one jimmy no, no that looks cool to me. Steve oh, you mean like a triple v or Something Like that like a four four or five necks . Jimmy kind of. No, i dont even mind that either more like just like almost 2shaped and purple. And like steve oh, so, like, made if for mike or something jimmy yeah, its all sorts of different, like, all sorts of different pickups and things it just looks but thats what i would get steve you would have that . Jimmy yeah i would get, like, one of those expensive, like, weird purply ones steve right. Jimmy and be like what else do you guys have to do [ laughter ] were right here there is nothing else to do. Steve all right. Try it again what would you do with your weird looking guitar jimmy no he overreacted on that one wait forget it. Steve what else would you do with your guitar . Jimmy right . Steve im looking at it. Jimmy were good, were done were done with that bit forget it. [ laughter ] steve aw, dont be that way. Come on. Dont be that way. Dont. Come on come on they didnt know oh, man. Jimmy i would do that. Steve thats what youd do jimmy that would be my thing. I would do that for four hours in a jazz club steve really jimmy jf jfs jazz club steve jfs jazz club jimmy and it would go yo, play four hours steve four hours jimmy four hours steve wrap around sunglasses jimmy if my act is longer than four hours, call your doctor call back, everybody thats the call. That right there is you got yourself a viagra. You got yourself a viagra callback. This ones from cdnels. He says, my daughter was given a butterfinger a short while later, she handed us the crispy insides with the chocolate eaten off and said, heres the bones. steve oh jimmy thats cute come on. Steve come on. Jimmy what is this hashtag i forgot what it even was. Kids quotes. Steve kids quotes, quotes. [ laughter ] kids quotes. Jimmy kids quotes. Steve kid quote. Jimmy this is from 3langboys steve oh jimmy she says, at Easter Sunday mass, the priest called children up to the altar and told one little girl that her dress was pretty the little girl said into the microphone, my mom said its a bitch to iron. [ laughter ] steve its a bitch this ones from filmzadanas he says, dad, im so glad you are not a zombie. Steve shred it questlove yeah steve dude jimmy come on, dude. Steve dude, come one, dude jimmy dude steve dude jimmy no way, dude steve you shredded the guitar now shred the joke. Jimmy you want me to shred that steve shred it jimmy you want me to shred that joke . Steve shred it questlove oh, no steve oh, no, too late steve oh oh, youre like banksy, youre like banksy. Jimmy i cant do it. I cant do it. Its a kid steve come on man, its kid. Jimmy i cant shred a kids line yeah, im keeping it this is the last one steve thank god. [ laughter ] come on. Jimmy this last ones from walabuki. Steve oh, walabuki i love jimmy she says, a second grader in my class ran up to me one morning and said, guess what i was born on my birthday. there you have it. Those are tonight show hashtags. To check out more of your favorites, go to tonightshow. Com hashtag. Stick around, well be right back with more of the tonight show, everybody this is a shoutout to all those going the extra mile. Yes, you, unsung designated driver. And you, saturday soccer dad. All you unpaid movers and never miss a bedtime parents. We see how you go out your way for others, and that inspires us to go the extra mile for you, every single day. Hertz. Proud to be ranked 1 in Customer Satisfaction by j. D. Power. Thats all coffee, right . Every single day. Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee all right, all right already heres your coffee. No decaf ng . Well, i havent been offered a bribe by any blist celebrities on behalf of their underachieving offspring, so thats good. The snickers hole, its working for that many calories you could have 9 veggie chips. These are more chip than veggie. While v8 is a snack you can veg out on. V8 the original Plant Powered drink. Veg up. Ii dont know how old i was. I hope someday i will be on a real football team. Im katie sowers, offensive assistant coach for the San Francisco 49ers. Im not just here to be the token female, im here to help us win. The surface pro helps me get whats in my head and get it out on to the field. I would want to tell this little girl to keep pushing herself, your dreams coming. Jimmy we have a fun show tonight. Talk and musical guest, mandy moore is here. Dane dehaan is here. But first were joined right now by the emmy winning host of the dr. Oz show. Please welcome dr. Oz, everybody. Jimmy welcome. Thank you so much. Youre a gentleman for coming at such a last notice last minute notice to our program can you walk us through this, please well, first, ill say one thing. As a surgeon, i have learned in my career, if you tell people the truth, thats gonna hurt a a little bit jimmy yes. They get prepared and its fine. So theres a lot of good news out there, but some of the information that were getting is a little scary. So ill give you both sides. Jimmy okay and then i think people can act. But the big message here is we can do this. We have mobilized as a nation before we can without any question, buy ourselves the time we need for the Public Health system to get better, for ers to catch up to get enough ventilators, for the government to figure out what theyre going to do but only if the people who can hear my voice right now act, are we gonna buy ourselves the time because this pandemic is spreading so rapidly, that a a lot of our leaders are of the belief that were gonna have most of the population of this country infected within a year now, thats a problem. But its also a problem because we dont have the resources to take care of half the people in the country. So by slowing down transmission, we completely change what the future can be. Jimmy so we have to slow down the transmission. Thats our goal right now. What is coronavirus . So there was a bat virus, we believe, that got married to a a virus thats more comfortable in humans, and those two viruses had kids and they sort of pieced it together. And one of those kids had the ability to infect us in ways we never imagined possible. It probably happened around that wet market in wuhan that everyone talks about but now this new virus is something weve never seen before so no one actually recognized it our immune system cant fight it off jimmy right. So we dont have any firewalls to protect us. Thankfully, it doesnt seem to affect young people at all most of your viewership, folks under the age of 60 are gonna do just great with this thing. There hasnt been a death a a kid under the age of 10. Jimmy oh, okay fantastic it doesnt seem to hurt pregnant women quite as badly. So thats all good news. The bad news is that, folks are older. Once you get past 60, if you have other illnesses, hypertension, cardiovascular disease, diabetes, lung problems so if you smoke if youre smoking or vaping, please stop. This is a good excuse. Jimmy how can people not panic about this well, you dont panic for two reasons. One, you help other people jimmy okay which always works. Do folks a favor and it takes a little bit of the pressure off you. But if you actually know the facts, which we fear the most is what you dont understand jimmy you know, i did see that i i really enjoyed i follow you on instagram. dr oz, you put up this whats called a survival protocol check this out this is really interesting if you want to, go to his instagram, dr. Ozs instagram. Or where else do you have this droz. Com, its we got stuff on youtube but let me just explain Something Real quick jimmy yeah i wanted people to have extra steps. If there are things