Quote, strong focus on the china virus, including scheduled meetings on vaccines, our economy and much else. He then ran the tweet by his proofreader, brett favre looks good lets hit the back nine. President trump mocked joe biden on twitter yesterday after the former Vice President mistakenly referred to arizona as a city, when everyone knows its two cities Everything Else is rest stops. That joke was written by arizonas own alex bays. President trump toured an Innovation Center in North Carolina today said employees, sir, we have so much more to show you than the door. This is incredible. It opens like ma i am not touching anything. No button, no handle it knows im here. And in an interview yesterday, House Speaker nancy pelosi criticized president trumps handling of the coronavirus pandemic and called him mr make matters worse so i guess i have to come up with a new nickname for my penis. What the kids are here . They really they really shouldnt be within earshot for the monologue. Its a late night show, so thats right, mr. Make matters worse. That is a terrible nickname. Sounds like the name of a taylor swift song that wasnt good enough to make the album. And you know what you call a taylor swift song that isnt good enough to make the album . Probably an excellent, excellent song washingtons nfl Team Announced last week they will be called the Washington Football Team until a permanent name is chosen they also introduced their new mascot mascot thats right washingtons nfl team will now be called the Washington Football Team, and i would make fun of their lack of originality but, you know, im not really one to judge north korean officials have reportedly put a city on lockdown after the first possible coronavirus case in the country. What a shame for residents who can no longer enjoy the typical freedoms of living in north korea. During an interview la w his life before becoming president and bragged that he was, quote, in so many rap songs, like 79 or something, adding, at least, i assume juicy was about me. Of course, you should know that i never under any circumstances ate sardines for dinner. And if you dont know, now you know. Fox sports announced last week that it will add a virtual crowd to baseball games and will include animated fans. Thats right it will feature every type of mlb fan, including bored man, bored woman, guy who misses every play because hes on his phone, kid whos only going to catch a ball if an adult feels bad and gives her the one they just caught, and, of course, man clearly cheating on his wife today was bagpipe appreciation day, and i hate to break it to you, pal, but i think they are clapping because its over anyway, appreciate you a couple in minnesota were kicked out of a walmart over the weekend for wearing a facemask with nazi symbols. Man, where do you go when you get kicked out of walmart . Thats like auditioning for a porno and not getting the part and finally, cheezits has announced a new partnership with a winery to offer a combined box of wine and cheezits. Now all you need to find is someone to break up with you honey, you can let the kids back in the monologue is over. I would say it was fine. It was a fine one. We got a great show for you tonight. I will be talking to senator Kamala Harris, plus the head coach of the Seattle Seahawks, pete carroll, will be here but first, a closer look. Seth hello, and welcome back to the captains quarters. Its monday, which means my hair has had another weekend to grow, and while i am aiming for the steff, James Spaders iconic haircut from pretty in pink, i might be backing into james van der beeks do from dawsons creek. Now, ive never seen dawsons creek. I didnt even know it was a tv show i just assumed it was a meme that best exemplifies how i feel all the time but my wife is a creek freak who is currently rewatching it on her phone every night in bed, and i have one big observation based on my introduction to the show the other characters say dawson a lot like even when its a two person scene, they start every sentence with dawson, and, look, joey, jen, i am not telling you how to live your life, but he knows youre talking to him. There is no one else in the room also jen, everyone knows you used to live in new york city. Let it go. Did you watch dawsons creek, sea captain . Im team pacey. Seth of course you are now where were we . Oh, right, the real world. As the coronavirus pandemic continues to spiral out of control, a morally and intellectually bankrupt Republican Party is squabbling over cutting Unemployment Benefits for outofwork americans while sending secret police to American Cities and whining about cartoons for more on this, its time for a closer look. And i am glad its time because i dont wanna wait seth were less than 100 days away from the president ial election and more americans now say that the country is on the wrong track than at any point in Donald Trumps presidency. We have got an outofcontrol pandemic, the worst unemployment in nearly a century, an epidemic of racist police brutality, and a looming eviction crisis. But dont worry. The Trump Administration will protect your cartoons and your toys he is also appalled by cancel culture, and cancel culture specifically as it pertains to cops we saw a few weeks ago that paw patrol, a cartoon show about cops was canceled, the show cops was canceled, live pd was canceled lego halted the sales of their Lego City Police station seth paw patrol and legos make sense, i guess, coming from a guy who loves rockets, trucks and mr. Potato dead. Anyway, i guess we know now what trump does with all that free time on his schedule i dont like this recycling pup, rocky. I think hes part of the deep state. Kayleigh kayleigh, send the secret police to Adventure Bay and get me some more legos, kayleigh i stuck one up my nose to stop the coronavirus. Fauci, by the way, did you get my email about legos up the nose maybe stopping the virus okay i love your thoughts on that you are my best friend, fauci. You know what i call us . Turner and fauch i am going to make tshirts. Anyway, this is where the Trump Administration and the Republican Party are at, whining about cartoons and legos while sending secret police to gas moms and vets and arguing that slavery was a, quote, necessary evil. A sitting United States senator said that. At least i think tom cotton is a senator. He looks like the confederate slender man. Seriously, these guys just keep coming up with winners i mean, whats next . Is trump going to Say Something nice about an alleged sex trafficker and predator who was arrested by the fbi at a remote oh, yeah, yeah oh, right. They really think Americans Care about paw patrol and legos i guess they figure if you are out of work and quarantining at home to avoid the deadly virus they failed to stop, youll need something to keep you entertained. President trump is working hard to make sure that outofwork americans who lost their Health Insurance and are facing eviction have cartoons and legos to keep them occupied. And in lieu of the 600 unemployment benefit, we will be sending every american some playdoh and an outofwork tamagotchi and im sorry . The tamagotchi has died from the coronavirus. The craziest part of this though is that shes wrong. Neither paw patrol nor the Lego City Police station have been canceled. In fact, paw patrol actually had to tweet a clarification saying, no need to worry. paw patrol is not canceled. And thats great but, you know, they could also stand to be defunded a little. I mean, thats an awful lot of Tactical Gear for a town where the worst thing that ever happens is a missing chicken so the Trump Administration got factchecked by a childrens cartoon. And at this point, its not long before arthur shows up to a protest with a sign that says [ bleep ] trump. Seth, that reminds me, whats a sea captains favorite animal . Seth oh, i dont know, what is a sea captains favorite animal an arrrrdvark seth sea captain ha, ha, ha sorry. Seth so what was i talking about . Oh, right. Childrens cartoons. The point is this is what your government was talking about as a federal moratorium on evictions and a 600 unemployment benefit keeping millions of americans afloat both expired. And rather than rushing with extreme urgency to extend both programs, or, heaven forbid, make them permanent, republicans chose instead to dawdle as they bickered over ways to make the Unemployment Program both less generous and more complicated. Mitch mcconnell said a new stimulus deal could take a few weeks. Why . Just extend it now jobless claims went up for the First Time Since march, four million americans who do have jobs have seen a pay cut, 12 million are facing eviction as the moratorium expires. In oklahoma, more than 60 of unemployment applications havent even been processed, with hundreds of people sleeping in their cars or camping outside oklahomas unemployment offices. And in ohio, the city of columbus has turned part of its Convention Center into an evictions court. Well, you got to give it to trump, he finally filled an arena. Oh, and on top of that, nurses are wearing gowns without openings for hands and secret police are marching through the streets of portland tear gassing vets and moms while protesters play the imperial march from star wars. Seth thats a pretty great troll. Of course, if george lucas was involved, he would probably add in some unnecessary cgi and gratuitous pod race. So what was the president doing while the nation was crumbling you guessed it he was playing golf and smiling for photos with brett favre. Cheeseheads always loved favre, so it makes sense that ol cheese brain would, too. Also, whats going on here, man . He looks like he just crawled out of a vat at ace chemicals. This is how a dog smiles when they have their head out the window thats the face you make when you are trying to hold in a fart at a funeral not that i think trump would bother trying to hold it in. Whoa, whoo well, boy, if that doesnt wake him up, he is definitely dead. Although in fairness, its probably better when trump is golfing because then he is too busy to whine about cartoons and legos and statues. This bottomofthebarrel culture war bull[ bleep ] is the result of a Political Movement that is intellectually barren and morally bankrupt they have nothing to run on, no policies to champion, no achievements to tout so they think they can get voters to care about statues and cartoons its all they have left, and thats because americans know trump has failed its clear in poll after poll. All you have do is look at one of the dozens of other large developed countries that have successfully suppressed their outbreaks while keeping their economies largely intact south korea had their first case on the same day as ours and rapidly contained their outbreak the entirety of the eu with a much Larger Population has an average of just 81 deaths per day while we are at 1,000. Americans cant even go to canada or europe, which means for the first time this century, no one will take a picture trying to make it look like they are holding up the Leaning Tower of pisa. Americans can plainly see that things are not just bad, but getting worse while the rest of the world watches us with a combination of pity and horror and probably a little less surprise than we think it is so sad what is happening to your country. I know, its shocking, right . Yeah, shocking . I would not use this word. It is how do you say . To be expected. Weve seen our outbreak spiral out of control in a way thats even worse than the initial peak in april the White House National security advisor just tested positive Major League Baseball has an outbreak just days after starting its season. We are nearing a National Peak in hospitalizations. We recorded 1,000 new deaths a day for four Straight Days and labs across the country are once again facing long delays in testing thanks to supply shortages. Or, as one Public Health official put it, its like groundhog day. i feel like ive lived this day four or five months ago. Except in groundhog day, bill murray learned to play the piano and became a better person all ive learned is that doing a late night show in your attic is kind of like making a video will, except i am not of sound mind sure you are. Seth thank you, talking yard sale painting. Quarantine has lasted so long, ive come full circle and started watching tiger king again. Goi meana give joe exotic one more chance to convince me i am wrong. If you ask me what day it is right now, i would say januaugustober 67th. The only concrete day i can picture is the first day of school, and im terrified its not going to happen because instead of making a plan on how to get kids and teachers back safely, we prioritized opening a crunch fitness in gainesville. I hope you fellows got swole enough to make up for the fact that my kids cant count past seven. Seriously, we should have had testing figured out months ago that was the whole point of flattening the curve, to buy time for our policymakers to get a system of testing, tracing and isolation in place so we could contain future outbreaks remember that . When we all kept saying flatten the curve back when dr. Fauci was the one briefing the nation at press conferences instead of chucking a ball like your grandpa used to ill go get it, grandpa. Look both ways when you cross the street. And yet, the president and the gop have shown zero interest in fixing the problem in fact, trump is so deeply invested in his own political fortunes and so profoundly detached from reality, that he still thinks it would be better if we stop testing altogether and just let the virus rip through the country sickening people undetected. I personally think its overrated, but i am totally willing to keep doing it i am okay with it if they want to do it, but again, it makes us look bad but think of it. If instead of 50 million we did 25 million, we dont have the number of cases. The cases would be down. Here would be the normally headline not for me it wouldnt be. But for anybody else, theyd say cases cut in half. Seth for the millionth time, thats not how it works. The headline wouldnt be cases cut in half. At best, it would be Something Like, cases cut in half but everyone mysteriously coughing for some reason. Second, it doesnt just make you look bad it is bad. The cases are there making people sick in the real world whether you test for them or not. Just because you refuse to go to the dentist doesnt mean you dont have cavities. All we have to do is look at your face to know you just took a swig of ice water with a mouth full of rotten teeth and you can just sense their desperation as they grasp wildly for arguments even they must know are absurd. Take for example white house senior policy advisor and Edgar Allan Poe villain Stephen Miller [ thunder [ witch cackling ] to the last, i grapple with thee from hells heart, i stab at thee for heats sake, i spit my last breath at thee seth sea captain, what did i say about ahab references . Ah, well, you said dont be a moby dick. What are you doing, seth seth i am waiting for everybody to finish laughing haha, okay seth as a raging pandemic spiraled out of control, miller went on human money clip Tucker Carlsons show and compared the people pulling down confederate statues to confederates the Democratic Party for a long time, historically, has been the party of secession. What you are seeing today is the Democratic Party returning to its roots. These are mayors and governors that are saying the federal law, the u. S. Constitution, doesnt apply within the confines of our city and our citizens who will be held at the mercy of the mob and the administration of justice, the federal courthouse, will be allowed to fall under siege. And thats whats happening right now in portland. Seth so i guess that means Stephen Miller wants to build statues to democratic politicians . Cool, where do you want the joe biden statue how about on the acela or maybe on the debate stage with trump it probably wouldnt make much of a difference. Since im pretty sure bidens approach to the debates is known in oratorical circles as the statue strategy. Just stand as still as possible and let trump say a bunch of crazy things and melt down on his own. They want to take away your legos, your paw patrol, your beanie babies, your Yo Gabba Gabba but were not going to let that happen, folks. You can trust your very normal president. Seriously, you are calling democrats secessionists . You guys are the ones protecting the monuments of actual secessionists. Do they not teach history at your grave robbing school . The confederates youre defending were racist slavers ut since you were alive for it, im pretty sure when lee surrenderer was there popping out of his coffin the gop is totally and completely bankrupt, both morally and intellectually, and with less than 100 days before the election, theyre desperate. 150,000 americans have died, jobless claims are up again, an unemployment lifeline and Eviction Moratorium have expired and theyre talking about cartoons not only is the country in dire straits, but all of this makes us look bad