Announcer tonight on late night with seth meyers. Tracee ellis ross. Chat and music from luke bryan an all new closer look. Featuring the 8g band with fred armisen and now, Seth Meyers Seth welcome to late night everybody. I hope you had a good weekend. My wife and i got nostalgic for the good old days. So we watched tiger king and made sourdough simpler times. Lets get to the news. According to a new report published in the new york times, white house aides asked the governor of south dakota about the process of adding additional president s to Mount Rushmore as for when they asked, im guessing right after they hung up with the governor of north dakota sorry, wrong number sorry. You guys, there are two dakotas. I dont know where the other one is get an atlas, dan. President trump told a crowd in ohio last week that former Vice President joe biden wants to, quote, take away your guns, destroy your second amendment, no religion, no anything, hurt the bible, hurt god. Man, he is grasping for answers like your aunt during pictionary no religion, no bible, hurt god. Aunt carol, it was surfboard. the word was surfboard. after President Trump signed an executive order over the weekend that requires 400 in extra Unemployment Benefits, republican senator ben sasse called it, quote, unconstitutional slop. Ooh, you just got sassed better watch it, mr. President , you would not like him when he is angry or when hes happy or anytime really you see, the problem is, you dont really like people and hes not that likeable Infectious Disease expert Dr Anthony Fauci said in an interview last week that he and his family have had a security detail since april after being harassed and receiving Death Threats over according to a new report, the record a Record Number of people have given up their u. S. Citizenship this year. Its kind a like when we all threw out our Blockbuster Video card it was a good idea for a while, and then suddenly it was just very clear they were going out of business. Nasa announced last week it will no longer refer to planets and galaxies by offensive nicknames. Thats right, uranus will now just be called your butthole. Ally hord for the win. According to a new report, psychics and fortune tellers in new york city have seen a large uptick in business amid the coronavirus. So, if you are willingly letting someone read your palm right now, i, too, can tell you what your future looks like cheetos has released a new line of mac and cheese products so now, fauci is doing daily briefings on that too. You know, its too early to tell how delicious it is, but well try it. And do you think it would be good with hyroxychloroquine . A 103yearold woman in michigan got a tattoo last week to check it off her bucket list well, i just hope she doesnt regret it when she gets older. And finally, a Jewelry Company in israel said recently they are making a gold diamondencrusted facemask that will be the most expensive Face Covering in the world worth 1. 5 million and oh, my god, youre wearing it wrong that was a monologue hello, and welcome back to the Captains Quarters last week was an exciting one here as our beloved reviled sea captain was joined by a new character, ira the Prospect Park duck we posted a twitter poll asking if you wanted more duck or less duck, and more duck won in a landslide. Now, if you are wondering what would happen this time had other won, you would have been treated to a friendship between the sea captain and a street artists drawing of my wife from when she was kid hello, little girl wait, what is this . A bit thats gone on too long seth but the duck won, so expect to hear a good deal more from him hey, how was your weekend . Eh, not great a lady in the park yelled at me for not wearing a mask and i was like, excuse me, you have ever tried getting one of those over a bill . Look, its a stressful time, but lets try to be nice, okay seth well, thats good advice not to mention, i went to dinner the other night and get this, during the entree i said, does anyone know if the pellets are glutenfree . And everybody looked at me like i was crazy. Its like, oh, im sorry, i happen to have a very delicate system, okay quack. Oh, this guy is brutal. Seth and speaking of brutal, doubleteam segue. The president announced a bunch of meaningless and blatantly unconstitutional executive orders in a pr stunt at his golf course for more its time for a closer look. Seth this weekend really distilled just how desperate President Trump is as he continues to trail joe biden in the polls. He announced a bunch of empty executive orders at his golf course instead of negotiating with congress. He said he would permanently cut the payroll taxes that Fund Social Security and medicare if reelected there was a friday night massacre at the post office as part of trumps ongoing attempts to sabotage mailin voting and we found out that his white house asked the governor of south dakota, whats the process to add additional president s to Mount Rushmore . You guys know Mount Rushmore, the thing you saw when you were seven and then only in rental car commercials. And there is no process, because its not a thing its a National Monument its not the wing wall down at the wooden nickel. The process is you got to eat 100 hot wings in 10 minutes. And you gotta bring your own picture. Were not a picture company here at the wooden nickel. Thats like going up to a priest after mass and asking him, so whats the process for adding someone to the trinity what if it was like the father, the son, the holy spirit, and the dan . Actually, that does sounds like a pretty decent idea for an early 2000s screwball comedy starring owen wilson i mean, how can i lead my flock when i cant even get my own apartment . Its weird. And if even if there was a process to get on Mount Rushmore, i am pretty sure presiding over the preventable deaths of 160,000 americans and the worst economic crash since the Great Depression would be disqualifying. Thats like asking your boss at chipotle when youre getting your employee of the month plaque after you get caught stirring guacamole with your skateboard youre never getting it brad. Youre never going to get your name on a plaque. Besides, im pretty sure the other president s would be weirded out having trump next to them theyd all scooch over to one side of the mountain like passengers on the ftrain after a dude takes a dump. Lets get off at the next stop. Its only, eh, 38 blocks to the park. The only upside of putting trump on Mount Rushmore would be picking the photo to use so we could all remember him accurately would it be this photo of trump coming back from his tulsa rally looking like he just got fired fr hom jisob as a doortodoor vacuum salesman . Or maybe one these photos where hes screaming like a rabid possum or how about that one from the gop debate where he looks like he is farting and getting kicked in the [ bleep ] at the same time did he fart because he got kicked in the [ bleep ] . Or did he get kicked in the [ bleep ] because he farted . [ laughter ] trump wants to get on Mount Rushmore, but first he has to get past joe biden, who hes trailing badly in the polls. Enda bunch of official events, but as always, turned them into campaign speeches. And at one point, trump, the twicedivorced serial adulterer, who doesnt go to church, thought second corinthians was called two corinthians. And who probably uses a bible to hide his playboys, still said this about devout catholic joe biden. Hes going to do things that nobody ever would ever think even possible because hes following the radical left agenda take away your guns, destroy your second amendment, no religion, no anything, hurt the bible, hurt god. Hes against god hes against guns. Hes against energy, our kind of energy seth my god, why does he always talk like an injured superhero in a comic book . Losing consciousness must stop luthor hes against g solve an ancient sumerian riddle if man can hurt god than is he not more powerful than god and if man is more powerful than god, then would that not mean that god is man and man is god sounds like a dude who downed one too many tequila shots singing john lennons imagine at karaoke no religion no anything hurt the bible hurt god i know that was all out of tune, but i wanted to make sure we didnt have to pay also, bidens against energy what are you talking about the dude was literally out in the sun biking over the weekend. Bidens like one of those grandpas you worry about because theyre always doing too much. Grandpa, its 6 00 a. M. , where are you going with an axe . You can never have too much firewood, kiddo. You, on the other hand, have all the energy of a beanbag chair low on beans so, trumps obviously very desperate, on top of being historically unpopular he also had no accomplishment to tout, aside from shoveling 2 trillion worth of tax cuts into the pockets of big corporations and the wealthy, claiming it will boost the economy. And i just want to say, mission accomplished, bud. Those crappy little bonuses companies handed out in 2017 as pr for the Corporate Tax cut really came in handy when 50 Million People lost their jobs and everyone was racing to buy toilet paper good news, honey, we can afford an extra pack of charmin thanks that that onetime check we got three years ago. If you need me, ill be in line at the food bank for the next six hours. Even before the pandemic and economic crash trump had accomplished very little so instead, he decided to start taking credit for his predecessors accomplishments. For example, trump has falsely claimed more than 150 times that he signed the Veterans Choice Program into law, even though it was barack obama who signed it in 2014. Again, he has repeated this lie, according to cnn, more than 150 times, which is just a level of dedication of lying that i cant even comprehend he is the Lance Armstrong of lying, which is saying a lot since Lance Armstrong is also the Lance Armstrong of lying and in this election, joe biden is the Lance Armstrong of biking, but only because the only other choice is donald trump, who is the Lance Armstrong of not taking steroids and when trump was asked about this lie at his fake News Conference at his new jersey golf course over the weekend with a bunch of his wealthy patrons cheering him on in the background, he got all pissy and walked away. You trying to set a new precedent that the president no. No can go around congress and decide you ever hear the word obstruction . Theyve obstructed congress has obstructed. The democrats have obstructed people from getting desperately needed money go ahead, please, right here no, no, youre finished. Go ahead please. Please [ cheers and applause veterans choice and okay, excuse me go ahead, please it was a false statement, sir. Okay. Thank you very much, everybody thank you very much. [ cheers and applause seth just stormed off. Such a petulant little mantoddler. Its like the kid who loses at halo and chucks his controller across the room. You gave me the broken one. Im telling mom. Also, nothing says man of the people like doing a press conference at your 350,000 a year private golf club every american who loses their job will get a free sleeve of titleist golf balls. Theyre repackaged from ones we found in the lake. Trump is so desperate for affection hes bringing his own cheering section to the press conferences now. Its like watching a reboot of married with children. At the debates with biden, hes going to pipe in his own studio audience [ cheers and applause so trump has spent virtually his entire term desperately trying to erase obamas accomplishment or take credit for them, like when republicans tried to repeal obamacare, including its protections for preexisting conditions they even filed a brief with the Supreme Court in june june arguing that obamacare must fall, which would wipe out protections for people with preexisting conditions in the middle of a pandemic and yet as all that was happening trump has repeatedly and brazenly lied about his position on health care, saying i was the person who saved preexisting conditions in your health care and i will always protect people with preexisting conditions, always, always, always. Yikes, that is a truly psychotic use of allcaps. That is an exhusband in a lifetime movie level of punctuation. Normally when you get a note like that you realize the person who wrote is it standing right behind you so trump has spent months lying about his position on health care, and on friday his psychosis spun so far out of control, he actually tried to trick people into thinking he was issuing an executive order protecting preexisting conditions, which is a thing thats already law thanks to obamacare the law hes currently in court trying to overturn over the next two weeks i will be pursuing a major executive order requiring Health Insurance companies to cover all preexisting conditions for all customers. Thats a big thing ive always been very strongly in favor we have to cover preexisting conditions so we will be pursuing a major executive order requiring Health Insurance companies to cover all preexisting conditions for all of its customers executive order requiring New Hampshire and vermont to touch at all times you two have to learn to share a border. This psycho genuinely thinks he can just get up in front of the cameras and repeat things obama already did and people are going believe him. Next hes going to announce hes picking joe biden as his running mate its weird hes attacking me. Were on the same ticket. Dude, no ones going to mistake you for barack obama all we have to do is look at the the two of you with your shirts unbuttoned obama looks like hes in an episode of ballers. Trump looks like a business ham. And then on saturday, trump signed a bunch of meaningless and unconstitutional executive or tens of millions of americans face eviction and go without much needed Unemployment Benefits take, for example, trumps claim that hes supposedly extending the enhanced Unemployment Benefits first of all, hes cutting them from 600 to 400. Second, he is forcing cashstrapped states to pay 25 of that amount, and if they cant, then their residents dont get the money. And third, even his own economic advisor, larry kudlow, didnt seem to know how any of this will work at all so when will people see their first checks i dont want to be as specific, cause you might hold me to it as you should, but i think its going to be in a couple of weeks. And i think its going to come to about 1,200 per person thats a huge wage increase. You keep saying 1,200 per person are you talking about in addition to the unemployment that they are already getting . Oh, no, thats the where does that number come from payroll that i beg your pardon. The 1,200 will come from the payroll tax. It should be 800 bucks. I beg your pardon. It should be 800 bucks for the employment 800 or 400 . No, it should be four it should be 800 if the states step up, were prepared to match. That should be come out, 400 federal, 400 states okay. Well move on because i think this is thats not what the president said and its a bit confusing. Seth man, even dana bash gave up. That was like watching her sort through the menu at a restaurant with her grandfather you want the chicken . No, i want the pollo. Pollo means chicken. I thought it meant fish. Pesce is fish. The actor . Just bring him some french fries, please. How can he not know what his own policy does . He sounds like the substitute math teacher who spilled coffee on his lesson plan okay, everybody, the answer is 1,200. Nope, wait, im sorry. Its eight nope, i think its 500. Its 5,000. Mr. Kudlow, i think its 400. Shut up, you little snotnosed punk its 800 now run to the teachers lounge and get me another beer. Youre not allowed to drink beer, mr. Kudlow. Well, dont you just sound like the superintendent who fired me from my last job. And then theres the executive order that supposedly extends the federal eviction moratorium, which it obviously does not do thats a lie all you have to do is read it, which apparently kudlow has not done a second key point was the eviction moratorium. Because the democrats rejected various compromises at least twice, to my knowledge, the president felt he had to take action in fact, the president doesnt extend the federal eviction moratorium. I looked at the executive order. It doesnt do that it simply directs how to find a way to help people and identify federal funds. It doesnt include extending the federal eviction moratorium. Well, look, it it thats not entirely true i mean, in there well, it is true. I just read it seth ah, come on, george. Thats not fair. If i havent read it, you cant either. Its fun to imagine kudlows aides shuttling him from interview to interview, watching him make a fool of himself and then hoping the next goes better all right boss, we have only one more interview left today. Where is it please say fox news. Please, fox news. Its axios. Oh, damn it now you better give me some of those loose papers that are fun to carry around and hard to read. And then theres trumps fake payroll tax cut. In reality, all he did was deferred payroll taxes until the end of the year, which means a lot of businesses will just save up the money to pay those taxes when theyre due, rather than pass the savings on to workers trump said if he was reelected he would make the cut permanent, which is even worse because Payroll Taxes Fund Social Security and medicare. So if you cut payroll taxes without a replacement, you are cutting Social Security. And