Steve from Rockefeller Center in the heart of new york city, its the tonight show starring jimmy fallon tonight, join jimmy and his guests joel mchale. Big sean and featuring the legendary roots crew and now, heres your host, Jimmy Fallon Jimmy wow. Looking good oh, come on. Oh, my goodness, gracious hey thank you so much for tuning in and watching the tonight show. Im jimmy fallon i really appreciate this it makes me happy. Im happy to be here lets get to the news and some jokes here well, guys, i hope everyone had a nice Labor Day Weekend it was actually a busy labor day for President Trump. He held a 45minute press conference where he launched an attack against leaders of the u. S. Military. He launched more insults at joe biden. And he even launched something from his nose. What was that . Eww eww [ light laughter ] people are wondering, man. Was it a booger . Was it drugs id like to think he was eating crackers by sticking them up his nose [ light laughter ] hey, you know what could have stopped that projectile . A mask [ laughter ] even worse, whatever flew out of his nose hit that u. S. Open line judge in the throat [ laughter ] and thats you dont like to see that well, everyone is still talking about the atlantics report that trump called Fallen Service members losers and suckers. And yesterday, when trump was asked about it, he once again denied ever saying it. Listen to his response who would say a thing like that only an animal would say a a thing like that. Jimmy yeah i bet if an animal did say that, it would probably be this one. [ laughter ] other than the 245 times trump has actually called someone a loser and a sucker on twitter, hed never say anything like that [ light laughter ] thats right trump allegedly made outrageously offensive remarks so you know what that means. Nothing happens to trump, and billy bush gets fired. [ light laughter ] im not sure whats more upsetting, the comments trump reportedly made or what hes going to do to change the subject. And thats why were nuking the moon [ light laughter ] that was a pretty crazy press conference at one point, trump went off on a rant attacking military leaders because when youre in a scandal about calling soldiers names, the best defense is to antagonize their bosses trump was like, and this goes all the way to the top, people, whoever is the chief of all the commanders [ light laughter ] if that wasnt enough, at that same press conference, trump told a reporter to take off his mask watch this the issue of what happened when you were in france continues to be a story. Youre going to have to take that off, please just you can take it off. Youre how many feet are you away ill speak a lot louder well, if you dont take it off, youre very muffled so if you would take it off, it would be a lot easier. Ill just speak a lot louder is that better its better, yeah [ laughter ] jimmy what is trump doing . Hes the president of the united states, not velma at the end of an episode of scoobydoo [ laughter ] meanwhile, it looks like all the scandals that have plagued trumps presidency are starting to catch up with him check it out the president is disputing a report in the New York Times that his campaign has squandered its fundraising advantage. They burned through 800 million of the 1. 1 billion they raised since 2019, some of what are described as vanity splurges jimmy yeah you could tell hes strapped for cash because now all his speeches have product placements well repeal obamacare and replace it with delicious, nutritious boat head lll boars head cold cuts. [ laughter ] i dont know what im holding there. Like a jar of cold cuts . Tariq a ham. Jimmy a ham. That was good. Give up the ham. Trumps campaign has already spent 800 million, and hes still losing by almost ten points so far, its the worst money spent since you bought Skechers Shapeups [ laughter ] im working out. Im going to the bar im feeling good, man. I gained a few, but maybe its muscle seriously, they blew through 800 million in a few months whos running his Campaign Trump in the 80s . [ light laughter ] questlove yeah jimmy in the 90s . Now trump is claiming hes going to spend up to 100 million of his own money. Its a great idea. Mike bloomberg heard and was like, yeah, good luck with that. But the Trump Campaign isnt worried, especially because theyr bring in a few million from don juniors visine endorsement [ laughter ] the campaign also just spent 156 thousand on planes that pull banners so their advertising strategy is basically the same as the clam shack down at jersey shore. [ light laughter ] you can tell Trumps Campaign is running out of money cause this weekend, they sunk a bunch of boats for the insurance money. [ laughter ] oh, my goodness. But this morning, trump denied the report and sent a tweet saying that they have lots of money. It would have been more convincing if trumps next tweet wasnt his venmo handle and the prayer hands emoji [ light laughter ] could we see the last line of his tweet again . Trumps tweets look like a spam email you shouldnt open its like, lots of dollar signs and energy. [ light laughter ] oh, that sounds meanwhile, just when it seemed like things couldnt sink any lower for trump and his supporters, it appears that they literally can. Watch this there were several boats that sank during a lake parade supporting President Trump the Sheriffs Office says calls started coming in almost immediately after the parade started on saturday. At least three of the boats were recovered, but some are still underwater jimmy you know if trump were onboard, he would have been like, out of the way, women and children president s first. Okay thank you. Do you mind if i step on your back just to get out of here thank you. The events Facebook Page said, lets really make a a statement. Unfortunately, that statement was, help, my boat is sinking. [ light laughter ] ironically, while the boats were sinking, republicans in congress spent two months debating whether or not to send them a life raft thats your New York Times joke of the week lll sponsored by boars head cold cuts, the finest jarred cold cuts [ laughter ] oh, man, this isnt good this weekend in california, a wildfire started burning, and it was caused by a pretty unlikely source. This is real listen to this the el dorado fire here in San Bernardino started by a smokegenerating pyrotechnic device used at a gender reveal party. Jimmy oh, my goodness. They used pyrotechnics seriously . Its a gender reveal, not a k. I. S. S. Concert [ laughter ] are you serious . [ laughter ] oh, man. Even people who fall off cliffs taking selfies were like, what a bunch of idiots. [ laughter ] yeah, it turns out the couple is expecting six months in jail and thousands of legal fees. And finally, listen to this. The founder of jelly belly announced that he is going to give away a florida candy factory as part of a nationwide treasure hunt. Its great until you find out its the factory that makes all the buttered popcorn flavored jelly beans. We have a great show for you tonight. The very funny joel mchale is here [ applause ] his latest album, detroit 2, is number one on itunes. Well be talking to him, and then, hell be performing his latest single harder than my demons. Big sean is here [ applause ] love big sean. Were back after two weeks did you guys have a good break tariq yeah questlove yeah. Jimmy you didnt enjoy yourself . Tariq it was okay. Jimmy yeah what things happening tariq yeah, you know just chilling. Hanging out around the crib. Jimmy are you watching anything on tv what are you watching now thats good . Tariq oh, man, what am i watching you know, ive been watching this thing called love swindler. [ laughter ] jimmy i feel like we have different tariq its crazy its like jimmy is it american tariq yeah, its on showtime its about this dude who like he swindled all these unsuspecting middleaged white women out of their life savings. He just kept like reinventing himself. He was like a plastic surgeon, and then, a real estate agent. Then he had like this crab restaurant, and he just you know, he would go from town to town like reinventing himself. [ laughter ] jimmy wait love swindler . Tariq yeah jimmy and its a a documentary . Tariq its a documentary series, yeah jimmy oh, i want to check that out thats what im all about. Tariq its on showtime yeah, you know, im about the swindle life too [ laughter ] jimmy no, no, no, no, no im into documentaries im into documentaries tariq yes. Jimmy thats what i meant. Tariq me too, yeah jimmy im watching im watching the vow. Are you watching that . Tariq oh, yeah yeah jimmy dude, its on hbo max. Tariq yeah jimmy i have like ten hbos now. Tariq i know, right . Jimmy i had to sign up for a whole new thing. Tariq its crazy jimmy hbo max. A whole new jam. Tariq you can never find like if you dont watch something in its entirety, you can never get back to the platform that you were watching it on. Its like, wait, where did this thing jimmy yeah, where did i find that . Tariq yeah jimmy well, this, i found i read about it, and then, i found it, and then, i signed up, and im on that but this thing isnt a whole jam. You only get two its only up to like two or three tariq yeah, yeah its, you know, a little bit at a time ive been watching that too, the vow. Jimmy its fantastic you see it, quest . Questlove i have not seen it, no jimmy dude, it is nuts real deal, real deal craziness its wild. I watched that i watched class action park on hbo max again i feel like a boars head [ laughter ] theres an nbc show. But, no, class action park, have you seen that tariq no jimmy have you seen that, you guys its a real thing. Anyone here seen that . Its gerard, yeah yeah, we went to it. In my high school, i went to action park was a theme park in new jersey but it basically has no rules. Its like and people were just getting hurt every single there was like an alpine slide where you would just it was a Plastic Thing you sat on, and it had a a control stick that would like have brake or fast, and it was always broken. So it doesnt matter you just zoom by, and if you tried to stop, youd scrape up your elbows and, like, oh, its crazy. And they had questlove and thats the fun of the game . Jimmy no, its not supposed to be. Its supposed to be its supposed to be fun the theme park, theres no rules. That was my first time and last time i bungee jumped, and you cliff diving you would jump off this cliff. And youd jump off like an 18foot cliff into a pool, a a swimming pool. And then, people would just jump on you because theres no rules. Tariq thats crazy jimmy no, its really crazy. It was called action park. I loved it i think i did. I dont remember it was probably terrible tariq it sounds pretty terrible it sounds like action park was about that swindle life. Jimmy it might be on an episode, man never know i got to check it out. But were here were back in the building im psyched to see everybody here and everyone for doing this and very, very cool. Upstairs, late night with seth meyers is back in the studio at 30 rock. Welcome, guys. Welcome back [ applause ] thats awesome, man. You can feel you can feel the vibe, i think, there in the city Walking Around in new york city. I think, you know, people are out with masks and doing it, but its happening, and im psyched seth and the gang are back seth, what do you have planned for us this week seth hey, jimmy, its so great to be back in the building with you again. Tonight, we have jane fonda, and our mutual friend from snl, Jorma Taccone and later in the week, john cleese and sheryl crow, and then thursday, Michael Cohen is going to tell us about his new book. And all new closer looks all week hey, and im sorry i cant come down and visit, but your kids, cute as they may be, they look like super spreaders to me also, i am going to send down some sushi that i saved for you from before we left the building in march because i know you love sushi. It was salmon, but now, it looks like eel anyway, enjoy, bud jimmy well, well be watching stick around, everybody. More tonight show when we come back. [ cheers and applause hola, soy j balvin and im dropping my mcdonalds order. Leggo a big mac no pickles please. There you go. Medium fries. Con ketchup. And an oreo mcflurry. Of course ooof the j balvin meal. Get it on the mcdonalds app and the mcflurry is on me. Im lovin it get it on the mcdonalds app and the mcflurry is on me. Get new charmin ultra strong. Getting clean . It just cleans better, so your family can use less. Hello clean bottom enjoy the go with charmin. Its so hon, out here u guys. Are we on yet . Oh. I thought we were doing a zoom thing. No. I like big jeans. Ittybitty jeans. Feelin trendy yall, with the straight jeans showin off those curves, cause you the queen everyone go slay in your Old Navy Jeans this monday and tuesday get 50 off everything online only at oldnavy. Com knowinits hard. Re is hard. Eliminate who you are not first, and youre going to find yourself where you need to be. The race is never over. The journey has no port. The adventure never ends, because we are always on the way. Taking california for a ride. Companies like uber, lyft, doordash. Breaking state employment laws for years. Now these multibilliondollar companies wrote deceptive prop 22 to buy themselves a new law. To deny drivers the rights they deserve. No sick leave. No workers comp. No unemployment benefits. Vote no on the deceptive uber, lyft, doordash prop 22. One ride california doesnt want to take. Doordash prop 22. If i could, baby id how can i, when you wont take it from me you can go your own way go your own way your wireless. Your rules. Only with xfinity mobile. Jimmy welcuarantine. That means its harder to see family but luckily, there are still a a bunch of here to give some tips about keeping up with loved ones, please welcome the tonight show aunts. Hi, everybody. Hi, jamie jimmy oh, my gosh. This is great. Why dont you introduce yourselves for everyone at home, please okay. Sure im aunt martha. Im the nervous one. Im aunt joan, the kooky one. And im drunk jimmy great. So i hear youre going to give us some tips on how to stay in touch in quarantine, right why dont we dive in there okay. Well, you know, were going to get to that. But, jimmy, ive got a lot of questions. Im worried. Are you eating enough . Jimmy what you look thin to me you look thin. Yeah, do a spin for us. Jimmy all right, come on, guys im not doing a spin let me see your lower half. I cant show us your meat jimmy i dont want to i dont want to. Youve always been kind of fatskinny [ laughter ] its heart attacky skinny people can have heart attacks too. Jimmy look, im eating [ laughter ] im eating fine, aunt martha thank you for the concern. Now, what are some ways families can stay in touch over quarantine do you have any thoughts oh, jimmy, aunts always have thoughts for instance, heres a thought. Why is it you never tell me when your program is on . Jimmy my program [ laughter ] aunt sue, its on every night at the exact same time, my program. Why cant i ever get it tonight i turned on my tv same way i always do, by pressing input six times, then crying and calling the Fire Department jimmy okay and still no tonight show. She doesnt get the tonight show, and jimmy, i think its russians [ laughter ] jimmy can we just get can we get to the tips, please people want to know how to stay in touch with loved ones, all right . Lets focus. Yes thank you, jimmy youre so disciplined. You would have made a great doctor, but it didnt work out okay [ laughter ] now, heres a tip. When you had Scarlett Johansson on, was she nice jimmy thats not that wasnt even close to a tip oh, you know who you should have on the show, jimmy . My friend, ruth. Jimmy okay she is hilarious. You know that friends episode where ross got the monkey . Jimmy yeah ruths seen that. Jimmy are we [ laughter ] are we are we going to get these tips were not going to get these tips, are we oh, joan, tell them your skit joan, tell them tell them your skit. Tell them your skit idea, joan he doesnt want to hear it. Jimmy actually maybe youre right. Next time well talk about the skit so the other day im in dagostinos, you know the one by my apartment, not the one youre thinking of right now but that other one the cart get this the carts were on the other side of the store. Jimmy stop yelling carts. What sorry, i missed it carts were on the other side of the store . The carts were on the other side of the store. Jimmy oh and thats it . I mean youd obviously have to add the jokes, but thats the backbone of it its the structure, jamie shes giving you the structure jimmy you know what . I was actually really hoping you guys would come on and talk about how to catch up with family but instead you talked about everything else. You talked about my eating and then the show and Scarlett Johansson its like i spent all this time catching up with family thats how you do it, jamie it aint pretty, but it aint fun either [ laughter ] jimmy you guys are the best the tonight show aunts, everybody. [ applause ] jamie, real quick jamie, real quick before you go jimmy yeah are you pooping how are your stools . Jimmy oh, my goodness. All right. Very good. You should have your cousin dave on. He just got into nyu jimmy okay ill work on that. Okay hello, Fire Department . I just pressed hdmi. Jimmy thats it. Well be right back with more tonight show, everybody. Come on back stop worrying about my pooping and fatskinny people. Need to silence our phone. Who knows where that button is . I dont have silent. Everyone does right up here. It happens to all of us. We buy a new home, and we turn into our parents. What i do is help new homeowners overcome this. What is that, an adjustable spanner . Good choice, steve. Okay, dont forget youre not assisting him. You hired him. If you have nowhere to sit, you have too many. Who else reads books about submarines . My dad. Yeah. Oh, those are progressive cant protect you from becoming your parents, but we can protect your home and auto when you bundle with us. Look at that. Have your attention. [sound fx bing] pull up a seat begin the lesson ba da bum, lets go mmm, sorry i got that, you got that, we got that boom we got that vo heres a choice you dont have to make . The largest 5g network. Or insanely great value. Awardwinning customer now, with tmobile for business, theres no compromise. Network. Support. Value. Choose. All. Three. Tmobile for business. Ready when you are. [gas splashing in ta