That attractive. He called it a g6 at best. At one point the president asked me which one was the salad fork but i couldnt tell because they all looked so huge next to his hands. Announcer its the late show with russian announcer cuts in Stephen Colbert russia week tonight stephen welcomes james mcavoy, and comedian matteo lane, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And stephens meeting with real life oligarch mikhail prokhorov. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert. Stephen wooo cheers and applause thank you. Thank you very much, thank you, comrades wow. Somebody sounds like somebody that, this crowd sounds like they have been hitting the pickles and vodka out there. Welcome to the late show, everybody, im your host Stephen Colbert. Now if you watch the show if you watched the show last night im going to say all of you did. You remember you remember last night we were talking about how after seven years of promising over and over again to repeal and replace obamacare the bill died of terminal they lied to everyone who voted for them. Not cheers and applause they did. They lied. Now not that big of a surprise that it didnt pass. The bill is less popular than the cereal parts of lucky charms. Or as i call them, disappointment between marshmallows. Jon cardboard stephen but trump wont take please, dont do this, it will cost us the mid terms for an answer. This morning trump tweeted, i will be having lunch at the white house today with republican senators concerning health care. They must keep their promise to america. Well, obviously at lunch applause you can do this lunch is where the deal is made. Thats the art of the deal. Okay, senator collins, i will trade you your Health Care Vote for my juice box and a pudding pack. Okay, all right. Now the president kicked off the event with some lighthearted bullying of one of the senators opposed to the bill, nevada dean heller. The other night i was very surprised when i heard a couple of my friends, my friends, they really were, and are, they might not be very much longer. But i think have i to get them back. Thats right well, no, you didnt go out there. This was the one we were worried about. But youre going to be, youre going to be. Look, he wants to remain a senator, doesnt he . Stephen ha ha, hoho, oh, not sure if he does any more. cause if you are trying to remain a senator, your first choice really shouldnt be photographed having dinner with donald trump. And trump made it clear that it is not his fault. It is not his fault that this bill did not pass. Ive been here just six months. Im ready to act. I have pen in hand, believe me. Im sitting in that office. I have pen in hand. Stephen sir, i have no problem believing youre just sitting in the oval office with lets say. Pen in hand. And cheers and applause pen in hand. And i got to say. If you cant even get this done, pretty soon your pen will be swinging in the wind. And trump went after the Senate Minority leader Chuck Schumer for obstructing the bill. You know, you listen to schumer and before he even knew what the plan said, he was saying death, everyones going to die, death, death, death. Stephen now, to be fair, he was actually quoting Chuck Schumers hardcore metal band, malignant schumer. applause so nobody knows if this lean on them at lunchtime is going to work. But the president is hoping it lives up to its earlier tweet, the republicans never discuss how good their healthcare bill is. And it will get even better at lunchtime. The dems scream death as o care dies. Oh my god, that last part is almost poetic. The dems scream death as o care dies. Its actually iambic. You know, its true what they say, if you leave a man way brain of a hundred monkeys in front of a keyboard long enough, eventually he will write shakespeare. applause cheers and applause cheers and applause the dems scream death as o care dies. Alas, poor yorick, he was covered by trumpcare. applause stop it got thorns on them. Oh, and theres yet another trumprussia scandal out there. After their Public Meeting at the g20, we just found out that trump had an undisclosed second meeting with Vladimir Putin. Really . How stupid can you be . You are in the middle of what could be the worst scandal in u. S. History. People think you colluded with the president of a hostile foreign power. Then you go out of your way to meet with him again and you dont tell anybody . Thats like if o. J. Does get out on parole and immediately goes glove shopping. laughter hey, they all fit. Look how well they fit. Jon he cant acquit, he cant acquit. Stephen now this meeting took place during a dinner at the g20 that was couples only. Not to be confused with g20 ladies night when merkels drink free. Now so far the white house of course has downplayed this meeting calling it a brief conversation at the end of dinner. Brief. Because after all, how long does it take to give someone your room key. Room 1101, bring a tarp. But allegedly, allegedly, allegedly. More on that tomorrow. But the meeting actually lasted as long as an hour. Gentlemen, if your collusion lasts longer than an hour, please consult the f. B. I. applause the white house statement goes on to say that the insinuation that the white house has tried to hide a second meeting is false, malicious and absurd. Strong words. And i think weve also found trumps reelection slogan. Trump 2020, false, malicious and absurd. applause but but trump insists he didnt do anything wrong here tweeting fake news story of secret dinner with putin is sick and even a dinner arranged for top 20 leaders in germany is made to look sinister. Mr. President , we are talking about a private dinner in germany for the people who control the world. It already looks sinister. Fake news is making my fortress on skull island look evil, sad. You know what, heres the thing, heres the thing. I want to believe trump here. I really want to believe that the president of the United States is just shooting the breeze with a guy he is accused of colluding with for the second time that day for an hour. Vlad, what is your favorite animal to ride shirtless. You have one hour to answer. laughter but heres why it is hard. Heres why it is hard to believe him. He lies about everything. He lies about crowd size, voter fraud, till death do us part. He is the boy who cried wolf blitzer is fake news. This might actually be a nothing burger but every time they tell us it is a nothing burger it turns out to be a juicy quarter pounder with sleaze. applause jon oh, oh, oh stephen but i am choosing to believe that Nothing Happened this time. Have i to just to sleep at night. Because between health care, and the president playing footsie with the russians, every time trump speaks this is all i hear. Death, everyones going to die, death, death, death. Stephen we have a great show for you tonight. James mcavoy is here. But when we return, i sit down with an actual Russian Oligarch mikhail prokhorov. Stick around. Starting thursday at kohls Labor Day Weekend sale. Boys active tees are only 8 take 20 to 40 off sneakers for the family and kitchen electrics are just 19. 99 plus take an extra 10 off when you spend 25 or more and everyone gets kohls cash too kohls. We, the people, are tired of being surprised with extra monthly fees. We want hd. And every box and dvr. All included. Because we dont like surprises. Yeah. Like changing up the celebrity at the end to someone more handsome. And talented. Really. And british. Switch from cable to directv. Get 4 rooms with hd, dvr, and every box included for 25 a month. Call 1800directv. Thisll be the real deal oh yeah thisll be the real deal how was your vacation . Hey, guys, whats this tomato doing at randys desk . [all coworkers laugh] hahahahaha. You know, that actually reminds me, steve. I got you something. Aloha mangoes can get sunburned. Put some flavor in your break with new snapple mango tea make time for snapple. Stephen jon batiste and stay human. cheers and applause welcome back, everybody. Folks, it is day three of russia week here at the late show. cheers and applause one of the reasons i went to russia is because they have a strong man as a leader and we have a man who would like to seem strong. And if he succeeds, if were living under a strong man, russia has proven that the best thing to be is an oligarch, which is russian for rich guy, dont ask where his money came from. See, this is how things work over in russia. Over there the political system is controlled by wealthy elites who buy influence and pull strings of the government. Whereas in america, we speak english. The oligarchs, the oligarchs are business friends of Vladimir Putin who were given sweetheart deals to buy stateowned resources after the collapse of the soviet union. I was hoping to meet one and also to not die. And we found the perfect guy. Mikhail prokhorov. Jim . In 1995, mikhail prokhorov, a friend of Vladimir Putin, struck gold in this case nickel because he was allowed to buy a state owned nickel mining conglomerate for just pennies on the nickel. 12 years later, the high flying bachelor high flew in his private jet to a french ski resort to party with 20 russian models who the French Police claimed were prostitutes, so they arrested him for le human trafficking. He was never charged, but it was so scandalous that reportedly putin forced him to sell his share of the nickel mine riiiiight before the World Economy drove off a cliff. So lucky mickey here ends up with more than 9 billion. He has a jet, and a yacht so big it has its own yacht. He enjoys partying in ibiza, heliskiing and making rock videos of himself doing jet ski tricks. He ran for president in 2012, but he lost to putin. Which some say was the plan the whole time. Thats doing a bro a solid. Hes pals with jayz because he owns the brooklyn nets, the worst Basketball Team in the world. Prokhorov stands 68, and did i mention friends with putin . For some reason he invited me to his house outside moscow. And for some reason i went. Mikhail, thank you so much for talking to me today. My pleasure. Can i call you steve . Stephen yes. If you said no, you will never leave the country. Stephen thats hilarious. Okay. Tell me how to oligarch . Okay, great. Again funny joke, is it a joke . Nobody knows, in russia. Stephen thats the funny part. Whats your weird quirk . Whats your eccentric thing where people go thats cool he is a billionaire. Do you, like, grow out your nails really long . No . Thats no. Stephen that seems fine. Do you, like, save your bodily fluids in jars . No. Stephen do you have exotic pets . Like a pet rhino . I watch reruns of the good wife, thats about all. Stephen whats the best thing to own if youre super rich . Do you have a yacht . Just a piece of advice for you, steve. Dont be attached to things. Be free. Stephen okay. But you do have a yacht, right . Yes, i have. Stephen okay. Do you have a jet . But i dont know where the heck it is. Stephen you dont know where your yacht is . No. Stephen this is why we cant have nice things. Do you have a sports team . Only brooklyn nets. Stephen more like the Brooklyn Nyets right . No. Stephen up top dont leave me hangin come on thanks. Now youre single. Whats a nice, successful, handsome guy like you doing single . Theres got to be a lot of people out there whod like to marry an oligarch. Thats true. Stephen okay. Have you just not found the right girl and 19 of her friends . I think its not easy. Stephen are there ladygarchs . Ive never met one. Stephen youve never met one . Never in my life. Stephen have you tried tinder . Not yet. Stephen let me set up your tinder profile. Youre gonna love this, okay. What are you looking for in a wife . Whats important to you . Love. Stephen love. All you need is love, stephen. Stephen and 9 billion. Alright, we need to put a line to describe yourself. Im gonna put down, i made my fortune mining, but i havent found my gem. Theyre gonna melt. Hobbies . Lets see, hobbies. Ill put down watching horrible, horrible basketball, oligarching. Youre gonna be beating them off with a stick. Were gonna find you the right girl. Okay. Stephen mikhail, if its possible i would love to get a tour of your house. My pleasure. Stephen shall we . Sure we have no secret rooms here. Stephen i didnt ask that, which is odd. Is this where the magic happens . Is this where the magic happens . Oh, this is where the magic happens. Okay, what is this . You said there were no secret rooms. Its not secret. Stephen its not a secret . Its just another door. Stephen what is this . Its kalashnikov. Stephen ak47 can i just stand just me a picture of me and an oligarch holding an ak47 . Eventually when im brought up before the hague i want to look nice. Oh, japanese throwing stars. No, its oligarch throwing stars. Stephen oh, its oligarch throwing stars. Every eighth grade boy is like, when i grow up, im gonna have a secret room behind a wall and im gonna have japanese throwing stars and a ak47 and big pictures of naked ladies. Im gonna have a jet and a boat i dont even use. Thats like thats like thats this is your life. Youre living the perfect life of an eighth grade boy. Okay, mikhail do you know where you put the other one . Oh, this is a nice kitchen, lovely. Yeah, and i want you to show and to taste oligarch snack. Stephen oligarch snack . Stephen so your snack is bologna . Are you sure you are not an 8 yearold boy . Im sure. Stephen these are extraordinary. Its for sauna. Stephen this is the biggest yarmulke i have ever seen. Its the coolest hat there is, because were oligarchs. Its not a dumb hat at all. Can we touch, can we touch the tips . Not a lot of men are comfortable doing that. Oh, this is nice, you have photographs of some of your thats good. Just to remind yourself be careful. Okay, lets throw some pies on and do this. No, no, its very traditional, this is not for you, its for stephen are you afraid i will outbench you . No, no, for you i have special equipment not here, another place. Stephen i agreed to go see this special equipment, but first i ditched my suit for a new relaxed oligarch look. We headed off to a private school mikhail built so he could practice an ancient, obscure but deadly, tibetan martial art called tescao. So im not going to have to kill anybody . No. Stephen good. And you would tell me if i did right because were friends . Sure. Stephen okay. Because im not saying that i wouldnt i just dont know how to. Im new to this. Turns out this tescao place is the worlds most expensive tree fort. Designed to the highest tescao specifications. Filled with things like this, that do something one assumes. This is the coolest gymboree ive ever been to, what time is your mom picking you up . To be an oligarch you need to have balance and to for the balance, i mean oligarch balance you need balls. Stephen those i have, my friend. You are just making this up right . This is cool, it looks like dr. Seuss sex dungeon. Youll get it. I noticed the floor in this tescao training room is not even, why is that . You are oligarch now you are comfortable in any situation. Stephen oh, i see. I got to relax and just say this is how it is, and it doesnt bother me that it looks like the architect was smoking weed. Come on you have to give me something. Great. Stephen tescao cheers and applause have you ever trained in the full colbert . What you do is you on your back and relax your arms and legs and see how long you can hold it. But you have to breathe, though. You have get breathing i could i thought id seen everything. But then the giant Russian Oligarch ordered me underground. Okay, and what is down there before i go down there . You are oligarch you are not afraid of anything. Stephen okay, whatever i am going down. This is where the chuck e. Cheese turned into the danger zone. Welcome to the red room of pain. Steve, this is lethal star. You can hit this in someone and try and hit them in the neck. Keep it. I show you. Stephen thats exactly what i was going for. Stephen all right here is the scenario, somebody is coming up behind me and trying to take my oligarchy away, but they dont know that i am trained in tescao. Okay, i am their Worst Nightmare right now because i have my stars, watch out. Excellent. Stephen tescao i want something bigger and sharper. Oh, yeah. Whats that . Stephen whats the advice . Just throw. Stephen just throw it, okay. Left foot forward, right foot forward. Any place. Stephen any place. All right there is no training at all . Be natural. cheers and applause stephen how many people do tescao in the entire world . Maximum maybe 25. Stephen 25. So i am in the top 25 practitioners of tescao in the world . You are in the top three for sure. cheers and applause stephen tescao how often do you do this . Everyday. Stephen this is your billionaire thing remember said is there one crazy that you do that no body else does, that seems normal because you are a billionaire. This is it you have a club house painted in dr. Seuss colors it has a dungeon in it where you throw axes at the wall. You are an honest to god oligarch are you sure . Stephen i am positive. I want in. Now you are on board. Stephen totally on board. Totally on board. Stephen thank you. I need some bologna. Thank you, mikhail, thank you so much for showing me how to be an oligarch and for the cool hat. applause tomorrow our russia week continues. 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