And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey cheers and applause hey, everybody thanks very much. Welcome to the late show. Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here. Im your host Stephen Colbert. Now as cheers and applause piano riff as of friday friday . As of friday, donald trump is on a 17day vacation at his golf club in bedminster, new jersey. Hes there to relax no, youve got to give it to him. Hes there to relax after months of grueling golf at maralago. laughter but heres the deal. Hes working on it. But the thing is, the president swears hes not taking it easy, tweeting working in bedminster, n. J. , as long planned construction is being done at the white house. This is not a vacation meetings and calls cheers and applause piano riff meetings and calls meeting call meetings and calls wow both of them trump has to do all that during his vacation . Man, i would not want to work for Vladimir Putin. laughter top boss top, top task master cheers and applause jon cold blooded stephen over the weekend, footage leaked of the president taking one of his high level meetings, a summit of new jerseys top bridesmaids. audience reacts stephen thats also what trump says whenever he visits eastern europe. Wheres the bride . Come on. Cough her up. cheers and applause lets go blonde this time. laughter but, whats oh, trumps buddy Vladimir Putin is also taking a break this next two weeks. Hes in siberia putting on a snorkel and shooting fish with a spear gun. laughter though he later claimed the fish were killed by ukrainian separatists. laughter i just want to say, though, mr. Putin, forest camo doesnt work under water. laughter applause the fish can see you who killed your brother stan . It was an entire forest with a spear gun laughter i guess in that scenario it was a mother talking to one fish, and the fishs brother was named stan in that scenario. laughter of course, since its putin, he also released photos of himself chilling by the river. cheers and applause man, those sanctions have already devastated the russian shirt industry. laughter i will say that compared to trumps vacation, that looks like a vacation. I would love to go on a brodown fishing trip with Vladimir Putin. Ill bet it would be so much fun that id never come back. laughter piano riff applause of course, trump really needs a little vacation right now because his poll numbers have reached a new low. Only 33 of voters approve of the job hes doing. 33 . As meatloaf so famously said, two out of three aint bad, but one out of three sucks. laughter and cheers and applause piano riff thats a friend of his, right . Meatloaf is a friend of his . Jon meatloaf is a friend. Stephen and with the president s Approval Ratings plummeting, some have their eyes on trumps job, including current Vice President and dad who has a favorite marching band, mike pence. laughter the New York Times is claiming that pence is preparing for a run in 2020, citing the fact that pence has created his own Political Action committee. Thats not normal for a Vice President to do that. In fact, trump confidante and man calling to have you killed, roger stone laughter tweeted, no Vice President in modern history had their own pac less than six months into the president s first term. Hmmmmm. laughter yes, hmmm no veep has acted this suspiciously since Grover ClevelandsVice President eustace p. Mcbackstabby. laughter mcbackstabby. Plus, in june, mike pence spoke at one of the most important yearly events for iowa republicans, senator joni ernsts pig roast. laughter yes, the pig roast, very important. Though it does alienate all the jewish republicans in iowa. laughter no surprise pence is popular in iowa, since pence is one of the original children of the corn. laughter but cheers and applause it was good. It was good. But yesterday, pence issued this strong denial, todays article in the New York Times is disgraceful and offensive to me, my family and our entire team. Whatever fake news may come our way, my entire team will continue to focus all our efforts to advance the president s agenda and see him reelected in 2020. Any suggestion otherwise is both laughable and absurd. Hes definitely running. laughter cheers and applause hes definitely, definitely running, without a doubt. But trumps not worried. This morning he tweeted, the trump base is far bigger and stronger than ever before, despite some phony fake news polling, look at rallies in penn, iowa, ohio. And West Virginia. The fact is the fake news russian collusion story record stock market, border security, military strength, jobs. Supreme court pick, economic enthusiasm, deregulation and so much more have driven the trump base even closer together. Will never change will never change . Dont jinx yourself, donald. Youre reminding me of custers famous speech, this is the first of many successful stands. laughter and howd that end . cheers and applause i dont remember and before he unplugged, before he went on vacation, trump needed one last hit off the bong of his base, so he went to West Virginia to stir the populist pot. Most people know there were no russians in our campaign. There never were. Have you seen any russians in West Virginia or ohio or pennsylvania . Are there any russians here tonight . Any russians . Stephen okay, no russians. So trump is officially replacing the f. B. I. And the c. I. A. With an informal show of hands. laughter anybody here gay . Anybody gay . No . No . Okay. Gay people dont exist. cheers and applause mike pence was right. laughter and trump made it clear that this trump rally was not about him. Since our election, not mine, since our election, we are working every single day to heed and honor the will of those millions and millions of voters who came out and voted for us. Not for me, they voted for us. Stephen yes, they voted for us. okay. So us better lawyer up because were in some deep doodoo. applause okay . All of us. speaking of doodoo laughter fox news. laughter the Huffington Post is reporting that cohost of the specialists and guy whos cologne you can smell through the tv, eric bolling, sent coworkers an unsolicited photo of male genitalia via text message. audience reacts oh, my god. Whatever happened to Old Fashioned courtship when a gentleman would telegraph his genitalia . laughter here is my penis. Stop. Stop sending me your penis. Stop. Seriously, stop. Stop. Bolling piano riff has been suspended while fox news investigates. But he denies the charges. Sort of. According to his lawyer, mr. Bolling recalls no such inappropriate communications. He doesnt recall . How do you forget sending someone your bits and pieces . laughter did i leave the lights on . Did i turn the stove off . cheers and applause did i leave the water running in the tub . Did i send multiple penis pictures to my coworkers . laughter jon i dont know, i dont know. Stephen now, a lot of people are calling bolling a hypocrite because of what he said about disgraced congressman, and the chuck yeager of bleep snaps anthony weiner. He is a sick human being to continue to do this time and time again, continue to get caught, saying hes not going to do it again, gets caught again. Stephen you know what they say about people who live in glass houses . Its really easy to show your junk to the whole neighborhood. laughter and i got to say piano riff cheers and applause its an apt metaphor. Its not even that crazy of a metaphor. Because this weekend, former fox contributor, caroline heldman, accused bolling of sexually harassing her as well, writing once, he took me up to his office in new york, showed me his baseball jerseys and, in the brief time i was there, let me know that his office was his favorite place to have sex. And keep in mind, bollings office is entirely made up of glass and the view into it is unobstructed. audience reacts so, do not bring grandma on the fox news tour. laughter all right, everybody this way. Okay, this way. cheers and applause come on, keep up, everybody. Lets go. Keep up. Okay. On your left, theres the news desk with bret baier. On your right, youll see. What is that . Is someone pressing a shaved squirrel against that glass . Oh god oh god laughter shaved squirrel. Now, nobody knows how this is going to end i know laughter but bolling does have a fallback position, telling one interviewer, when the lights go down on my tv career, the next step is running for senate. So get ready for bolling 2018. Though the lawn signs will have to be blurred. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. Laura dern is here. But when we return, i have an Important Message for millennials. [ livin thing by electric Light Orchestra ] sailin away on the crest of a wave, its like magic rollin and ridin and slippin and slidin its magic introducing the all new Volkswagen Tiguan. Higher and higher, baby the new king of the concrete jungle. Be impressive be impressive be impressive be impressive be impressive everything you need to ready, set, go back to school. What bad back . Gels work so fast youll ask what pulled hammy . Advil liqui gels make pain a distant memory nothing works faster stronger or longer what pain . Advil. We dont just want to watch games cable gives us. We want all the teams, no matter where we live with directv nfl sunday ticket. We want falcons in new york. Jets in la. Bears in new orleans. Or buccaneers in a quaint, little new england bed and breakfast. Can you please pass the marmalade, charlie . I sure can, crazy pirate. Switch to directv and get every game, every sunday with nfl sunday ticket. Call 1800directv. cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human right there, ladies and gentlemen give it up for the band cheers and applause jon hey stephen hey welcome back, everybody you know, the best part of doing this job is forming a genuine connection with all of my viewers. Who are between age 18 and 35 with disposable income. laughter angel soft. Comfort where you want it. Your butt. laughter piano riff those people, 1835, those people are called millennials people born somewhere 1980 and up to the early 2000s. Not to be confused with Eastern European women trapped in the white house. Those are melanials. laughter applause very different. piano riff advertisers are dying to understand millennials. And i can help them because i speak millennial. This is the late shows w. T. F. Is up with millennials, my homedogs. Scooter emoji a. F. laughter a. F. , of course, stands for also friendly. laughter i recently learned some new millennial secrets from the hippest news source around the wall street journal. laughter now, the journal, or wizjourn, as the kids call it laughter i think, right . I think thats it. Jon i call it wizjourn, thats great. applause stephen okay, the wizjourn published quotes from corporate c. E. O. s about what their research tells them millennials like. The first ones obvious. Millennials love the word old. So it turns out it was a compliment when those teens chased me down the street yelling, you suck, old man laughter and my c. E. O c. E. Bros have also discovered that millennials are moving to the suburbs and that they love grilling because, according to corporate research, millennials are over indexing on charcoal. Overindexing. Okay . Listen, kids. Be careful. Charcoal starts innocently enough. Maybe hit the smoky joe on the weekends, next thing you know, youve got a threebagaday kingsford habit. laughter applause okay . But yeah, yeah. Jon that charcoal will get ya. Stephen selflighting, you end up with selflighting lung. laughter but thats not all. These pluggedin c. E. O. S know millennials totally vape over authentic things like snacking, pets, and movie watching. laughter wow. That is some cutting edge Market Research. laughter my sources tell me that millennials enjoy sex and oxygen. laughter often at the same time, okay . Yeah. Its called the sexoball. laughter applause even more mindblowing brace yourself for this the c. E. O. Of hersheys discovered millennials are interested in flavors and textures. laughter yeah, flavors and textures. Which is why hersheys has immediately halted production on lil blandies. laughter and, of course, millennials love the Employment Trend of temp jobs and freelancing known as the gig economy. As one c. E. O. Put it, its a lifestyle choice for the millennials. Yes, millennials love choice. Specifically, the choice between starving and being able to afford flavors and textures. laughter applause as a certified laminated millennialknower, all this rings true. Or as my millennial friends would say, keep runnin, old man laughter thats why ive combined all this onthepulse Market Research into the ultimate millennial product. Presenting old hot dog. laughter its from our heritage selection of charcoalindexed beef texturing, old hot dog is served on a reclaimed laughter cheers and applause old hot dog is served on a reclaimed plank of suburban picket fence, and is the perfect snack to stress eat between gigs on uber and task rabbit. laughter mmmmmm audience reacts flavor and texture jon oh stephen well be back with laura dern cheers and applause take the zantac it challenge pill works fast . Zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. Nexium can take 24 hours. When heartburn strikes, take zantac for faster relief than nexium or your money back. Take the zantac it challenge. cat meows snap sheba® perfect portions™. What cats want™ how was your vacation . Hey, guys, whats this tomato doing at randys desk . [all coworkers laugh] hahahahaha. You know, that actually reminds me, steve. I got you something. Aloha mangoes can get sunburned. Put some flavor in your break with new snapple mango tea make time for snapple. Rok y . We got pencils, yes we do wideruled notebooks, scissors, glue weve got ice cream. Sprinkles, too everything you need to ready, set, go back to school. Stephen hey, welcome back, everybody cheers and applause folks, youve seen my first guest tonight in everything from Jurassic Park to wild to twin peaks. Shes now nominated for an emmy for her performance in hbos Big Little Lies. Please welcome, laura dern cheers and applause oh, my god stephen nice to see you again. Im so thrilled to see you and so starstruck. This is amazing. Stephen what, are you kidding . The feeling is mutual, then. Youre my guru. The reason i can feel comfortable in life, i have you to watch and calm me down. Stephen oh, thats nice. cheers and applause stephen i had a nice opportunity to have dinner with you. In may we were both invited to the met gala there, very fancy thing. Amazing. Stephen i was sitting between you on my left and megyn kelly on my right. Yes. Stephen very different conversations. Yes. laughter that was amazing. I was thrilled by our table. We had the amazing john kern to our left and as people were coming up talking about selfies and fashion and isnt it amazing and so gorgeous, i remember we engaged in a conversation about psoriasis, which i really enjoyed. laughter that somehow became our table conversation, i was, like, its real life. Stephen everybody is doing it now. Everybody wants to talk about psoriasis these days. laughter you have had a very busy year. I dont know why you have time to go to dinners because Big Little Lies, twin peaks, youre in the upcoming star wars movie. cheers and applause im excited, too. Stephen one of the incredible things about you is that i mean, ive known of your work since probably blue velvet was the first thing i saw you in back in 1986 or Something Like that. Yeah applause stephen youve never been type cast. In citizen ruth, youre playing a huffer. Well, that was type casting. laughter stephen how do you avoid being type cast . Whats your trick . I think being raised by actors. Stephen oh sure, sure. Both my parents are actors and my father bruce stern who and my father bruce dern who started being known as the bad guy in westerns. applause stephen yeah, cowboys. Yeah, so i remember when i was a kid, my parents said if you want to be an actor, be a chameleon, try new things. And they loved playing flawed, complicated people to cause empathy for human behavior, and always shake it up and try something new. That was a huge influence on me. Stephen i understand one of your first roles was for martin scorsese, and in it you had to do multiple takes. What did he have you do . He had me eat an ice cream cone. And they did 17 takes. I had to eat 17 ice creams. laughter it was for the film alice doesnt live here anymore, which my mom, diane ladd, was in. And i remember being fascinated by acting and she was like you will never be an actress, actively telling me its not the easiest job, its complicated for women, i heard all these things and then scorsese walked over and said, that kid just ate 17 ice cream cones and didnt throw up, shes got to be an actor. I was, like, thank you, mr. Scorsese so, that was good. applause stephen okay, so, now, your mom discouraged you to be an actress. When did she sort of give in and say okay, go be an actress . I mean, i think i was so determined. My daughter is in the dressing room, jaya, dont get any ideas. But around my daughters age, 11, 12, i became far more vigilant. Stephen now, at 15, you became emancipated . Im not sure what that term means. Yes, which can mean many things. Stephen from your parents. In my case, it was somewhat in my case, it was somewhat boring. Its that i was working on films and, therefore, i could not do as much school hours and work longer hours. Stephen is there a Legal Process where you become emancipated . Yeah, i should have used it much to my advantage and didnt. Stephen so could you, like, take a part without getting your parents permission and stuff like that . In theory. But i basically was deemed a rebel with no rebellious bone in my body. laughter stephen so did you throw it in your moms face and say, you cant tell me what to do, im emancipated . Only now that im in my forties. laughter im like, let me tell you something lady. Shes, like, laura, you should have