Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2017

Human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey how you . Whats going on man. Thank you so much. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause ed from crowd. Theres mow mistaking a friday crowd, man. cheers and applause yeah. You could take a core sample of this crowd, pull it out, and count the rings of friday. Thats how pure the friday crowd is tonight. Now, i hope everyone is staying safe from or evacuated away from hurricane irma. This thing is serious. Look at the Weather Channel apps actual forecast for miami beach this weekend 100 chance of rain, winds 127 miles an hour. Still, less chaotic than spring break at daytona beach. laughter we want to send thoughts and prayers to everyone affected. Also, thoughts and money. If you dont know where to give, tune in on tuesday to hand in hand, a telethon to benefit everyone affected by both hurricanes irma and harvey. I will be there, manning the phones. Give me a call. Who knows . You might learn something you dont know about me, like my pin number, which would also allow you to give more money. Louvre laugh good luck with that. Whoonl, what else is going on. Oh, yes, yesterday eldest son and man whose head makes its own gravy, donald trump jr. , had a really big day. O eon capitol hill. He met with Senate Judiciary committee investigators. See, hes been accused of having met with a russian lawyer in hopes of getting dirt on Hillary Clinton. But he explained it was all a big misunderstanding. In fact, he actually met with a russian lawyer in hopes of getting dirt on Hillary Clinton. laughter see, nothing to see here, folks because his testimony was not on camera. But that doesnt mean don jr. Is hiding, right . He came in. He avoided the cameras on the way in. They clearly do not want pictures of him doing this. He came in through a hidden loading dock deep in the bowels of the capitol. Stephen yes, the bowels of the capitol, where all of americas most courageous leaders are pooped out. Now, the New York Times obtained a copy of don jr. s statements where he reportedly maintains that nothing came of the trump tower meeting, therefore, he never colluded with the russian government. Right. That makes it perfectly legal. Like, if you rob a bank, and the vault turns out to be empty no harm, no foul can i have a free calendar . laughter but maybe the scariest russia story out there right now is the revelation that russialinked hackers breached 100 nuclear and conventional power plants just this year, which explains why the Palo Verde Nuclear power stations employee of the month was don. laughter so far, the hackers intrusions have been gathering intelligence technical diagrams, reports, passwords, and crypto keys. Crypto keys, by the way, was also the title of my allsynthesizer concept album. laughter applause , of course, it was the 80s. Jon i like that album stephen of course, every hacker group needs a cool name, and this being russia, they went with energetic bear. Energetic bear you might remember him as the most sexually active carebear. We might have made that up, for legal reasons. Now, so far, all these hackers have done is poke around. But some experts fear that its the first step of a plan to cause electrical blackouts. But without electricity, i wont be able to watch the news and please, god, hack our power plants laughter i havent slept since january 20th. laughter meanwhile, donald trump has just named a new head of nasa, oklahoma congressman jim bridenstein. Bridenstine, of course, was shortened at ellis island from bride of frankenstein. laughter but but had a natural there for a while. Looked very nice. Heres the deal bridenstine doesnt believe that humans are causing Climate Change. Interesting. The guy who doesnt believe in Climate Change is the one with easy access to spaceships. Everythings fine. Nothing to worry about. You keep fighting those storms. Ill be in this escape rocket. laughter now, critics point out that bridenstine is not a scientist or and engineer, though he was involved with a rocketpowered aircraft league. Think nascar, but with rocket planes. That sentence, think nascar, but with rocket planes, is the leading cause of death in north carolina. laughter and while bridenstine would be the first head of nasa without a science or engineering background, do not worry, because according to npr, hes a big fan of the moon. laughter applause great big fan of the moon why not . So hes just as qualified as my dog. laughter oh, speaking of space, speaking of space this is actually pretty big news. Big news from a galaxy far, far away audience whooo stephen thank you, weeky. Recently we learned that Jurassic World director Colin Trevorrow is out as director of Star Wars Episode ix. I believe we have a video of how he was fired. Ooh they always choke you on a friday. laughter lucasfilm has released a statement, saying that they have mutually chosen to part ways with the director, while Colin Trevorrow released a statement saying, if you strike me down, i shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Then his robe just collapsed. It was weird. There was nobody there. Now, this turnover is just the latest indication that not all is well in that wretched hive of scum and villainy we call hollywood, because it comes after disney fired the directors of the young han solo movie and had to do expensive reshoots on star wars rogue one. Plus, the aspca came down on them pretty hard for their treatment of chewbacca. laughter cheers and applause sorry. Wooo wooo episode ix is slated to come out in less than two years, so, obviously, disney is scrambling to fiewnd a replacement director as fast as possible. We thought we would help here at the late show by people we thought would do a great job. First up, if theres one thing i think we all agree the star wars films were missing, its 70s music and extended conversations about cheeseburgers. So get ready for Quentin Tarantinos Star Wars Episode ix everybody shoots first. Id watch that. Id watch that. Of course, tarantino can be a little polarizing, but Everybody Loves romantic comedy, so what about nancy meyers Star Wars Episode ix what wookiees want. laughter sometimes the droids you were looking for were right in front of you the whole time. laughter but one director is really throwing his hat in the ring for this job, even going ahead and making his own trailer. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting a new take on star wars from the nihilistic german director of fitzcaraldo and grizzly man, werner herzog. As far as away as a mothers affectionate glance or the cold touch of your lover, the evil forced order seeks control of the galaxy, forgetting that the galaxy itself is not but the infinite void. This is the way of things. In the desert, theres nothing but suffering. Life cannot sustain here, but truly, it cannot sustain anywhere. Death is inevitable, and in this, we find comfort. Look, mosquitoes dancing on the carcass of infinity, our agony lends us brilliance. I love this guy. He is a spunky little robot ball, and i like that. The searing of the lightsaber cannot compare to the unfeeling violence of our endless universe. laughter applause stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Jessica biel is here. But when we return, it is friday confessions. Stick around take the zantac it challenge pill works fast . Zantac works in as little as 30 minutes. Nexium can take 24 hours. When heartburn strikes, take zantac for faster relief than nexium or your money back. Take the zantac it challenge. What would you do if you had even more time to explore . Open up the world with platinum. Backed by the service and security of american express. Open up the world with platinum. 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Have a lovely weekend. Now, folks folks, we are coming up on the weekend. This is a friday. Friday means were about to do Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. Which reminds me, this weekend, go out and get my book. Stephen colberts midnight confessions. Were going to milk this thing until theres nothing left. Therell be an audiobook, midnight confessions the broadway musical, which will be adapted into a movie midnight confessions tokyo drift, which then will then be novelized in book form. So dont miss the boat. Get in on the ground floor with midnight confessions. Dont fight it. Bring it cheers and applause we do midnight confessions because even though im a catholic, i dont make it to church as often as there is church. And what i miss most about the sacraments is confession. So if you dont mind, id like to confess to you, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen great. This is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions cheers and applause cheaper laughter stephen standard disclaimer i dont know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. Okay, ill be right back. Forgive me, audience, i have never preheated an oven. But i have preeaten a frozen pizza. laughter sometimes, sometimes, audience, i throw garbage out the car window while parked in my neighbors driveway. laughter my kid isnt an honor student. Hes just really good at forging bumper stickers. laughter sometimes i drink milk right out of the carbon. After i fill it with bourbon. laughter mmm. Mmm. cheers and applause daddys cows are flammable. laughter audience, i have a Overdue Library copy of 1984 that i was supposed to return in 1983. laughter my sleep number is pi. laughter whenever i ride a bicycle, i dont wear a helmet, because i want the ambulance drivers to think im cool. laughter im from South Carolina and im proud of it. But i still giggle when i hear the name gamecocks. laughter i secretly hope heaven has a v. I. P. Section for famous people, because i dont want to do selfies for eternity. laughter sometimes, sometimes i place orders at multiple dominos just so i can watch them race on the pizza tracker. laughter forgive me, audience . Audience we forgive you stephen thanks. Well be right back. Looking for adventure this labor day . Holy smokes. Oh man, thats pretty intense. Look no further than chevrolet. This is a fast car. I feel like i left my soul back there. Wow. This has power head to the chevy labor day sales event and ride out the summer in a new chevrolet. Now use labor day bonus cash to get fourthousand dollars total cash allowance on most Chevy Traverse models. Or, get 20 below msrp on select 2017 chevy models in stock. Find new roads at the chevy labor day sales event. The seal you can trust. With stain and sealer in one. And easy to choose colors. 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Whole wheat waffles . applause stephen hey, right there . Welcome back, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is an actress youve seen in the illusionist, valentines day, and 7th heaven. Please welcome, jessica biel hey how are you . Good to see you. Come on up here. Hello, everybody cheers and applause hows it going . Stephen its going well. How are you doing . Im really good. Stephen well, weve never met before. No, we havent. Stephen we have never spoken before, but for the people out there, you have been an actor for over 20 years. Actress, producer. The only one to survive the texas chain saw massacre. True. Stephen thats got to be on the c. V. Some place. Absolutely. Stephen and obviously youre married to j. T. You make the scene, glam, glam, glam, glam. It is. You also have a twoyearold jiecialg yes, yes, we do. Stephen one of the leastglamorous things that could happen to someone. Thats very true. Stephen how many surfaces of your home are covered with what you hope is chocolate . laughter . Every square inch. And if its not the hopeful chocolate, its stickers and playdoh, and gak, and crumbs, and who knows . Its covered everything is covered with everything stephen are you still measuring in months at this point . No more, no more months. Stephen where did you stop on months . , 24 . Yes, done. Stephen are you in in the terrible twos. We are, were there. Stephen this is your first child. First. Stephen fending how the twos go, maybe only. Were going to take it one day at a time. Stephen i know if i meet someone and they call the twoyearolds terrible two its their first child because theyre nothing compared to the threes. Thats what i hear. Stephen if you say the terrible twos, you have havent had a threeyearold. I havent. To me this is terrible. I have heard about the threeteen s. Stephen the threeteens. I threeyearolds have called the threeteens. Stephen theyre as headstrong as the twoyearolds, but now theyre physically strong as well. Right. The things i have to ply out of his little, slimy hand. I dont know how hes s strong already. Stephen is he getting at the cut larry . What are you prying out of his hands. Everything. The little guy in his hand stephen a choking pazzard. A choking hazard or poking hazard. If you wake my kid up in the middle of the night by accident, youre dead to me. You know what i mean. Stephen oh, absolutely, absolutely. You come in my house and you do some crazy thing and you make too much noise, you turn on the music, are you out stephen how much does that happen, jessica biel . You know, people come in, theyre loud. They think theyre having a good time, and they forget. Stephen this is timberlakes friends, isnt it . Thats right. Not my friend. My friends are quiet, demure. Stephen youre a tv producer, hes in the music industry. Hes a wild musician. Stephen what is your young boys name . His name is silas. Stephen thats an oldfashioned name. Is it a family name. His grandfathers middle name and his greatgrandfathers name. Stephen it sound amish. Like an old southern gentleman guy. Stephen a biblical name, one of the church fathers, siular. Its not all terrible, by the way. Hes, like, the greatest of all time. Stephen there are some nice things about children. Im fella really bad. Hes cute, hes funny. Stephen were going to edit the part out where youre nice for him and years from now ill play this for his therapist. This is where all my problems come from. She hated me. Stephen you also have a childfriendly restaurant. Yes. Stephen what does that mean . You own this restaurant . Im one of the owners. Stephen oh, one of, okay, in los angeles. There are six of us. And it basically means you can come in with your wild, crazy family and just destroy the place and were fine with it. laughter stephen is there, like, a play area for the child . Yes, theres a play area. Stephen whats the name of it. Its called oh, fudge. Stephen oh, fudge, as in not saying another word . Thats right. As to what happens to your vocabulary when your a parent. You dont get to say the fun words anymore. Stephen also when you get a show on cbs. This is very much like being a parent. You understand on many levels what im talking about here. Stephen oh, fudge. Lets say i have my twoyearold, threeyearold and i go to oh, fudge. My wife and i, what can we do . You can enjoy a meal, the full bar, and send your kids to the creative space, the room next door, and we have ofudge au pairs. Stephen do they have a parover there . They have a bar over there. Were tranquilizing them, its great. Stephen and mom and dad, its like a good date night with child. We can get our drink on and make sure somebody is taking care of junior over there. Yeah. Stephen and call an uber, for sure. For sure. Stephen how long have you had this . Weve been open, oh, my gosh, almost two years. Its pretty new. applause . Thank you, thank you. Stephen theyre all parents. Theyre all booking their tickets to los angeles right now, just to have a cocktail in peace. Please come, please come and see us. Stephen you have a limited series, i think eight episodes, u. S. A. Network, called the sinner. Yes. Stephen and you are the sinner. Yes. Stephen and i dont think im giving anything away, where i say you murder a man with a steak nice. Its a butter knife. Stephen how hard are you chopping at somebody with a butter knife. Pretty hard. Stephen its not a whodunit . Its called a why done it . Youre not giving anything away. Immediately were telling you, this is the person who did this violent act. Opinion my character is saying, i did this thing. You should put me away. I dont want to talk about it. I dont want a lawyer. I want none of it. Just put me away. Stephen and the other seven episodes are. Just me sitting in a cell. Its very compelling. The detective becomes fixated on this case because this behavior is very unusual. Stephen it makes no sense. It make no sense at all. Something else is going on and hes obsessed and he unravels the case. Stephen up to