Get out of there move it the drama pops it is infectious, though. Quiet down were with you, macklemore its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, trump supersizes the stockpile. Plus stephen womans Andrew Garfield. Tracey ullman. And musical guest wolf what raid. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen you didnt think i was coming you didnt think i was coming. Hey, everybody, thank you very much, very nice. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause hey, hey, remember that time when Rex Tillerson called donald trump a moron . Layoff laugh we were so young back then. Well, now we know why tillerson said it. We knew it had something to do with the military or the pentagon. It was kind of vague, but heres what happened. Apparently, over the summer, trump met with top military officials and said he wanted a nearly tenfold increase in the u. S. Nuclear arsenal. A tenfold increase . Excuse me while i onefold into the fetal postion. laughter he knows we can already end all life on earth, right . The cockroaches will survive, which is good news for steve bannon. laughter cheers and applause but 10fold . A 10fold increase. Why tenfold. Why not 1,000fold . Is ten just how high he can count . I want it more by this many. This many right here. This many. How many is gotta get in the light. cheers and applause heres how we shambled toward the brink this time. This summer, the military brass showed the commander in chief a chart illustrating the steady reduction of u. S. Nuclear weapons since the late 1960s. Trump indicated he wanted a bigger stockpile, not the bottom position on that downwardsloping curve. I am not the bottom of any chart, okay . I want most nukes, highest sea levels, biggest mistakes, i want the whitest supremacists available. Marching in i want it. Theyre saying im going to have it. Theyre saying im going to have it. Im swatting at flies most of the time. I think there are flies around me. Now, some people in the meeting say they did not take trumps desire for more Nuclear Weapons to be literally instructing the military to increase the actual numbers. Okay, so he wasnt speaking literally. He was speaking metaphorically. We must increase the Nuclear Stockpiles in our hearts so that together we can drop warheads of compassion throughout the world, and turn every nation into a smoldering pile of love. laughter now, this morning, trump denied he ever said any of that stuff, tweeting fake nbcnews made up a story that i wanted a tenfold increase in our u. S. Nuclear arsenal. Pure fiction, made up to demean. Nbc equals cnn nbc equals cnn, which is the square root of abc divided by qvc to the power of bet, and by the transitive property that means vh1 is now animal planet. Thats science. cheers and applause thats thats science anyway, its a long walk. That was a long walk. Sorry. Then later, later same day, same interview. Lets just say later. Trump reaffirmed his commitment to the First Amendment. Its, frankly, disgusting the way the press is able to write whatever they want to write and people should look into it. Stephen sir, for the record, people did look into it. In fact, we the people looked into it and thought, yeah, they should write whatever they want. cheers and applause very short read. But, evidently, him the people, feels differently, tweeting with all of the fake news coming out of nbc and the networks, at what point is it appropriate to challenge their license . Interesting question. I have two followups when is it appropriate for twitter to deactivate the account of a president who doesnt believe in the First Amendment cheers and applause and can that be yesterday . Could that trump also took the opportunity to calm a worried nation, about, you know, everybody dying. I think i have a little bit different attitude on north korea than other people might have, and i listen to everybody. But, ultimately, my attitude is the one that matters, isnt it . I think perhaps i feel stronger and tougher on that subject than other people, but i listen to everybody and, ultimately, i will do whats right for the United States and, really, whats right for the world. Stephen with the possible exception of south korea and japan, because you guys are just too darn close to where were going to, you know. imitating bomb exploding sad. laughter and we could be reaching a whole new level of angry trump because a report out today says people close to the president say he is unstable, losing a step, and unraveling. So keep in mind that means, up till now, hes been raveled. laughter this is the full unraveling. To ravel or unravel. applause so why is he unraveling . Well, he reportedly told his longtime personal security chief, i hate everyone in the white house mr. President , i know exactly how you feel. cheers and applause but dislike. Not hate, dislike intensely. But heres the thing the president of the United States, he may be a powerful guy, but you really need the staff on your side when youre president because a few months ago former chief strategist steve bannon, told trump that the risk to his presidency wasnt impeachment, but the 25th amendment the provision by which a majority of the cabinet can vote to remove the president. But when bannon mentioned the 25th amendment, trump said, whats that . laughter im guessing its not the first time someones ever looked at steve bannon and said, whats that . laughter speaking got a little whats the . Its wearing a suit. Speaking of staffing issues, last night, around 9 00, trump tweeted, the fake news is at it again, this time trying to hurt one of the finest people i know, general john kelly, by saying he will soon be dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot fired. This story is totally made up by the dishonest media. The chief is doing a fantastic job for me and, more importantly, for the u. S. A. yes, very important you clear up the john kelly works for the u. S. A. , because so much of trumps staff works for russia. cheers and applause but heres the thing jon oh oh stephen im right, right . But heres the thing trump was very upset by rumors that he was about to fire kelly, even though there appeared to be no such reporting by the national media. Oh, my god the fake news is coming from inside his head get out of there the fake news is at it again, coming in my dreams giant spider with my fathers face on it, making my teeth fall out, very unfair. laughter now, trump might be reacting to a vanity fair article amid a widening rift, john kelly has a maralago strategy to contain trump, in which they say, to prevent trump from soliciting advice from members of maralago and friends, he will attempt to keep trump out of the dining room. trumps just going to Wander Around the dining room Getting National security advice. Whaddya think i should do . Think i ought to nuke north korea . Should i bomb france. By the way, its going to be tell you what, im going to comp your meal. By the way, its going to be your last. Enjoy applause i think trumps just making this up, frankly. I dont think anybody said this. I think he just tweeted this to get the story out there because nobody is saying trump is going to fire john kelly, but trump. Look, john, i think youre doing a great job, but im seeing on twitter that people are saying that people are saying im going to fire you. I dont think thats true, but its out there. But its out there now. Doesnt look good. Youre fired. The article also revealed something weve long suspected about kelly. A source close to him says, he doesnt love this job. No one knows who the source is, but im guessing its everyone with eyeballs. laughter applause but trumps not buying that kellys unhappy. On saturday he said im sorry, im a little parched. Can i have a bottle of water . Im sorry, he said this john kelly is one of the best people ive ever worked with. Hes doing an incredible job. And he told me for the last two months, he loves it more than anything he has ever done. Hes doing a great job. He will be here, in my opinion, for the entire seven remaining years. laughter applause stephen wow remaining years it hasnt been seven years already . laughter weve got a great show for you tonight, everybody. Andrew garfield is here. But when we return, the n. F. L. Takes a stand on kneeling stick around. Wooo the volkswagen atlas. With available pedestrian monitoring. Lifes as big as you make it. Hungry eyes one look at you and i cant disguise ive got hungry eyes applebees 2 for 20. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood. Im living that yacht life, life, life applebees 2 for 20. Top speed fifty knots life on the caribbean seas its a champagne and models potpourri on my yacht made of cuban mahogany, gany, gany, gany watch this dont get mad bell mnemonic get e trade and get invested fortified. Tored. Replenished. Emerge everyday with emergenc packed with b vitamins, antioxidants, electrolytes plus more vitamin c than 10 oranges. Why not feel this good everyday . Emerge and see. My name is jamir dixon and im a locafor pg e. Rk fieldman most people in the community recognize the blue trucks as pg e. My truck is something new. Its an 811 truck. When you call 811, i come out to your house and i mark out our gas lines and our electric lines to make sure that you dont hit them when youre digging. 811 is a free service. Im passionate about it because every time i go on the street i think about my own kids. Theyre the reason that i want to protect our community and our environment, and if me driving a that truck means that somebody gets to go home safer, then ill drive it every day of the week. Together, were building a better california. band playing band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody give it up for the band oh, jon, oh, jon. Jon hey stephen i am super excited i am super excited because our friend Andrew Garfield is going to be out here in a little while. Jon hes a good guest. Stephen last time he was here we made out a little bit. Jon i remember. Stephen totally platonic, we kept it business. Tomorrow night we have the one, the only, the imimmable bill murray. The only thing more satisfying than coming out here every night and sticking it to the man is the knowledge that im the man, and i do this show for cash. Which means, occasionally, we do something called product integration, where we seamlessly blend a corporate presence into the show, but in such a subtle way that you might not even notice we have done so. For instance, i bet you didnt even realize there is a bottle of vodka on my desk right now. Ill give you a second to see if you can spot it. Its right here now, you might be wondering why its dressed like its going to a Bachelorette Party in branson, missouri. Thats because this is absoluts holiday sequin bottle. It has all the the fun you associate with absolut vodka. Plus the design sense of your bachelor uncle with a bedazzler. And its a limited edition. These are strictly limited to as many as you will buy. Now, why, you are saying to yourself, why comma did they put these sequins on their bottle, you might be asking. Because this. Look at that. Look what happens when you rub these up. The potle turns silver. That turns silver and then you can rub it down like that. Okay. Now, imagine, imagine, thats a dress. Youve just done that. Now, report yourself to h. R. Remember, please, please, dress your vodka responsibly. cheers and applause now, we talk about donald trump enough applause we dont talk about liquor enough on this show. We talk a lot about donald trump on this show, but lets take a little break and talk about sports. According to the washington post, donald trump has scored a win in the culture war as the n. F. L. Seeks to ensure players stand for the National Anthem. Okay, mr. Trump you won a war no need to start any new ones. Someone send him the lombardi trophy, and tell him its from north korea. laughter yesterday, n. F. L. Commissioner Roger Goodell sent a letter to all n. F. L. Teams saying that the controversy over the anthem is a barrier to having honest conversations and making Real Progress on the underlying issues. Yeah, come on, guys. That protest youre doing to get us to talk about racism is keeping us from talking about racism. How are we supposed to fix the problem if you keep reminding us what the problem is . laughter now, standing for the National Anthem isnt officially applause yeah. Now, standing for the National Anthem isnt official n. F. L. Policy yet. But team owners will discuss a plan when they meet next week. Well, thats a relief. If a room full of rich, white men cant solve racism, nobody can. Now turning. cheers and applause turning from football to futbol, some sad news. The United StatesMens Soccer Team will miss the world cup after losing to Trinidad And Tobago. Well, of course we lost. We had to play against Trinidad And Tobago . Thats not fair. Thats doubles. Thats australian rules doubles. Its the first time the u. S. Mens team has failed to qualify since the 1986 world cup. Of course, back then, our team was seriously slowed down by their parachute pants. laughter but even after losing, the u. S. Still had a slim chance to qualify. We just needed mexico to tie honduras, and it almost happened. Mexico had a lastsecond free kick, but the shot didnt make it past the defensive wall. So sad. Mexico wanted to help, but there was a wall in the way. Nothing to read into there. cheers and applause it just it happens. And now and now were paying for it. Now, a lot of people are disappointed about this, but some people are maybe too disappointed. This was a heartbreaker. For the First Time Since 1986, the u. S. Will not be in soccers world cup. After a 21 loss to Trinidad And Tobago, the National Team will not qualify for soccers biggest tournament. Well, sorry to break it, but team u. S. Will not be in the 2018 world cup. Stephen hold on. Lets be clear the mens team will not be in the world cup. That does not mean the u. S. Will not be in the world cup because the womens team has qualified for all of the world cups. Americas soccer women have always outshone the men. We all remember when brandy chastain tore off her shirt after winning in 1999. No one remembers what eric wynaldas sports bra looked like. Whos eric wynalda . Exactly. laughter im sure hes a nice guy, but the womens team has won the cup three times. cheers and applause three count them, three, three do you know do you know how many times the mens team has won the world cup . Ill give you a hint it rhymes with hero, which is what our woMens Soccer Team is made up of. cheers and applause well be right back with Andrew Garfield. Discover card. Im not a customer, but im calling about that credit scorecard. Give it. Sure its free for everyone. Oh well thats nice and checking your score wont hurt your credit. Oh im so proud of you. Well thank you. Free at at discover. Com creditscorecard, even if youre not a customer. Why . Terrible toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. Charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger and you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. Directv has been rated 1 in Customer Satisfaction over cable for 17 years running. But some people still like cable. Just like some people like banging their head on a low ceiling. Drinking spoiled milk. Camping in poison ivy. Getting a papercut. And having their arm trapped in a vending machine. But for everyone else, theres directv. For 1 rated Customer Satisfaction over cable switch to directv. Call 1800directv. When i walked through for a cigarette, thats when i knew i had to quit. For real this time. Thats why im using nicorette. Only nicorette gum has patented dualcoated technology for great taste, plus intense craving relief. Every great why needs a great how. Jack this ridiculously long table in the middle of nowhere . Jack to invite all my friends in the industry to try this. Jack fast foods first ever ribeye burger. Jack made with 100 ribeye beef, grilled onions, a red wine glaze and creamy havarti cheese. Jack ahh, here comes the competition now. Jack and of course, since they work for my competitors, ive obscured their identities jack except for this guy. Jack he is so screwed. Jack try my new havarti grilled onion and allamerican ribeye burgers. band playing cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, my first guest played an amazing medic in hacksaw ridge, a spectacular priest in silence, and he was also spiderman. He now stars in breathe. Please welcome Andrew Garfield. Give it up for Andrew Garfield give it up for Andrew Garfield give it up for Andrew Garfield give did up for Andrew Garfield cheers and applause give it up for Andrew Garfield give it up i like that song i love that song stephen whats that song called, jon . Give it up for Andrew Garfield stephen its going to be a hit. All the kids will be dancing to it. Nice to see you again. Hey stephen hey, back at you. Back at you, my feelings exactly. Yeah. Stephen its always lovely to talk with you, but i do have a bone to pick with you, i hope you dont mind me publicly bone picking. You said this and dont deny it. You said, youre not sure if the world needs movie stars. Yes, i said that. Stephen who would i then talk to . I cant talk to Neil Degrass Tyson every night. I would love to, i would love to, but i like talking to movie stars. We need people up on the big civil threr. You think. Stephen yeah, the dream factory. We need heroos. Okay