Anything you can do to make them i c. Stephen im no thats appropriate or welcome. Moving on, last week there were rumors that instead of your actual wife melania standing next to you it was a body double. Is there any truth to that . We actually have six prototypes that are all very top of the line. Stephen good to know. Can we get personal for a moment, sir . Heres a photo of you playing tennis. How would you describe thisiary . Massive. Just massive. Stephen that seems accurate. Now, mr. President , how do you think the countrys doing under your watch . It has taken a nose dive. Stephen is that because of your poor leadership . I know when i do well and when i do badly. Stephen and have you ever done well . Um, no. Stephen thank you. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, trumps sizzling media feed. Plus, stephen welcomes Julianne Moore. Jermaine fowler. And a musical performance by fleet foxes. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody please, have a seat, everybody thank you so much good to see ya ladies and gentlemen, please. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause you know, sometimes i feel sorry for donald trump, but not as often as he does. laughter hes always complaining about his media coverage. So, last night, he just unplugged, got away from it all and sat down for his 19th interview with fox news. In this case, it was a full rubdown from anchor and unrefrigerated lou dobbs, lou dobbs. In nine months in office, youve already accomplished more in the way of job creation. You have accomplished so much in that nine months. Youve got to be immensely gratified at what youve been able to do. You are, if i may say, everything as advertised as you ran for president. And i appreciate everything youre doing. The country owes you a great debt on so much. But on that, in particular, and i thats very interesting. Its well put. Its true. audience reacts booing jon wow. Wow. Stephen its going to be a long night. Jon whoa stephen id say that dobbs was lobbing softballs, but if that interview is any indication, he doesnt have balls. laughter piano riff cheering keep it light. Got to keep it light. Dobbs was pleasuring trump so vigorously that mike pence asked mother to change the channel. laughter jon oh stephen oh, oh jon oh stephen even dobbs criticisms were praise. And ive got to ask you, i mean, youre one of the most i would say, by the left, particularly reviled, even hated men to ever hold your post i would say so. Youre also one of the most loved and respected i would say that also. Stephen so you would say that you are one of the most hated, and you would also say you are one of the most loved . So would you say that it is safe to say that you would also say anything someone just said . I would say that also. Stephen trump then explained how terrible the medias coverage of him is. I know a good story from a bad story. But when you have a really good story and they make it bad, ill say to my wife, oh, tonight, im going to enjoy watching television because i did great, and wait until you see this. And then, they put it on and its like oh, thats not so good. Stephen sir, youve got to stop watching my monologues. laughter cheers and applause because, im here to say, youre not so good. Youre not so good. piano riff dobbs was so massaging trumps, lets say, ego, that he didnt get around to asking trump about puerto rico, where three quarters of the residents are still without power. The repair job to the grid and power plants is a 300 million contract, and its been awarded to a Company CalledWhitefish Energy. Which really sounds like a troutbased boner pill. laughter as old man i thought my love life was over. Now, thanks to Whitefish Energy, im spawning upstream laughter thank you very much. piano riff i dont know what that means. I dont know what that means. Some are questioning whether whitefish can handle this massive job since they are a twoyearold company from montana that, as of a month ago had just two fulltime employees. So restoring puerto ricos shattered infrastructure requires the same manpower as moving a filing cabinet upstairs. Now this is true, our Research Department tried really hard to find out who those two employees are and we couldnt. We found one of them Andy Techmanski. So their tech man is named Andy Techmanski . laughter that is made up. Im guessing the other guy is irish. Seamus otherguy. applause he seems nice. He really seems nice. Seaseamus really seems like a ne guy. Otherguy. One thing we did learn is that buzzfeed went to whitefish, montana, looking for the companys headquarters, eventually finding a small cabin in a forested area and i believe, a composite sketch of their third employee. There he is. Yeah. Chilly, this time of the year. This time of the year, you want a little jon look a hoodie. Stephen fun fact, this controversy was first reported by weather. Com. Its has to be the most unlikely scoop since watergate was broken by the pigglywiggly sunday circular. laughter applause so why would this tiny Company Located in the woods of montana win a massive contract to fix puerto rico . Well, it didnt hurt that Whitefish Energy is based in whitefish, montana, the hometown of interior secretary ryan zinke, and that zinkes son had a summer job at one of the companys construction sites. Well, theres a coinkyzinke plus, it turns out it was a nobid contract. No competition. None. Thats like the last guy on earth naming himself peoples sexiest man alive. laughter double issue. Its a double issue. You find out all about him. Favorite pastimes, staring. Scrounging for canned goods. laughter now, the mayor of san juan, and woman who did not sign up for this stuff, carmen yulin cruz, has demanded that the contract be voided for ethical reasons. To which whitefish replied, tweeting, weve got 44 linemen rebuilding power lines in your city and 40 more men just arrived. Do you want us to send them back or keep working . Oh, snap . Is what all of the power lines in puerto rico did, so stop bitching and get to work, Andy Techmanski, if that is your name which it is not you know a smattering of techmanski fans here tonight. laughter there have been a lot of stories about Sexual Misconduct over the last couple of weeks, and brace yourself now its come out that even george h. W. Bush has acknowledged he groped multiple women. Oh, come on. Not him. Hes the bush we like laughter hes a 93yearold grampa whos been married to the same woman for 72 years what is that . Thats the uranium anniversary. laughter no one makes it that far its the unobtainuim anniversary. So is it every guy . Whos next . Colonel sanders . Papa smurf . Air bud . Hey, theres nothing in the rulebook that says a dog cant play basketball and then ask a Production Assistant to come to his trailer and check him for ticks. If you know what i mean. laughter and i dont. laughter heres the story. Actress heather lind said on instagram that while taking a photo with bush, sr. , he grabbed her butt while telling her a dirty joke. And then, a second actress said yeah, me too, and revealed the joke, do you want to know who my favorite magician is . David copafeel laughter audience reacts that is not good. I feel bad as a human being but even worse as a comedian. laughter because that is not a believable joke. No one has a favorite magician. laughter piano riff now, heres the deal i think he feels bad. Lind has since deleted her post, and h. Dubya has apologized through his spokesman on occasion, he has patted womens rears in what he intended to be a goodnatured manner. Some have seen it as innocent, others clearly view it as inappropriate. To anyone he has offended, president bush apologizes most sincerely. Adding, at this time, the former president respectfully requests that you back it up like a tonka truck. laughter words to that effect. Im paraphrasing. laughter speaking of republican dynasties, theres one member of the trump family people respect ivanka. Shes gotten a ton of praise from the right for her poise and intelligence. At the same time, it turns out, she doesnt know what words mean. This week, on twitter, vice writer eve peyser compiled a list of all the words ivanka has used incorrectly, and its a real fortnight. laughter for example, when talking about her and jareds morning routine she said, my husband has incredibly long hours, so i try to keep mine on a relative basis. laughter you think shed know how to use relative, because her whole career is on a relative basis. laughter jon oh cheers and applause stephen turns out and weve known this for a little while she also doesnt have the strongest grasp of the word complicit. If being complicit is wanting to be a force for good and to make a positive impact, then im complicit. Stephen it doesnt mean that. laughter but, benefit of the doubt, she mightve just been trying to make a point and actually knows what it means to be complicit. I dont know what it means to be complicit. Stephen okay. Heres one from twitter i cannot believe that theodore is eight months old today happy birthday. Stephen happy birthday . Hes eight months old applause either ivanka doesnt get how birthdays work, or do rich people get more birthdays than we do . laughter applause and then theres this gem. Cuddling my little nephew luke, the best part of an otherwise incredible day laughter that is a dumb statement in an otherwise stupid tweet. laughter applause piano riff happy birthday now, a lot of people have made fun of ivanka online for this, but id like to Say Something in her defense. Jim. Im a little bit complicit with ivanka here. If complicit is heretofore defined as i support her, which it timelessly doesnt. Laugh i know this all seems humorous but, albeit, it is not. Ivanka rises at the apex of sunshine and does a lot of good on a relative basis. In fact, the entire trump family is a big part of an otherwise great country. laughter applause cheering thank you. Thank you. And, in conclusion, i might add, summarizing lastly, happy birthday. laughter applause we have a great show for you tonight. Julianne moore is here. But when we come back, ill reveal my most midnight confessions. Happy birthday when i walked through a snowstorm for a cigarette, thats when i knew i had to quit. For real this time. Thats why im using nicorette. Only nicorette gum has patented dualcoated technology for great taste plus intense craving relief. Every great why needs a great how. About to see progressives new home quote explorer. Where you can compare multiple quote options online and choose whats right for you. Woah. Flo and jamie here to see hqx. Flo and jamie request entry. Slovakia. Triceratops. Tapioca. Racquetball. Staccato. Me llamo jamie. Pumpernickel. Pudding. Employee hey, guys home quote explorer. Its Home Insurance made easy. Password was hey guys. Its horemember 2007 . Ade easy. Smartphones . O m g ten years later, nothings really changed. Its time to snap out of it. [hello moto] snap on a jbl speaker. Put a 70 screen on a wall. Get a 10x optical zoom. Get excited world. [hello moto] moto is here. The new moto z with moto mods. Buy the new moto z and youll get a free projector mod. [ america by simon can i cross it off yet . Almost. And. Now. The volkswagen atlas. With available digital cockpit. Lifes as big as you make it. Why . Terrible toilet paper ill never get clean way ahead of you. Charmin ultra strong. It cleans better. Its four times stronger and you can use less. Enjoy the go with charmin. Made with 100 ribeye beef, fresh spring mix and provalone cheese on a potato bun. R im inviting the whole industry to try it. Of course ill protect their identities. Like this. Try my first ever ribeye burgers. Introducing fast foods first made with 100 ribeye beef, fresh spring mix and provolone cheese on an artisan potato bun. Yep, nailed it come try my new ribeye burgers. Only at jack in the box. cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human everybody give it up for the band right there cheers and applause oh, jon. I know, you go to church, go to love and serve the lord. I do as much as i can. Jon yeah. Stephen i like to go to confession when i can. When i cant, what i like to do is sell my new book this is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions ill give you some of the examples. Sometimes i wish i had more Health Problems because the people in pharmaceutical ads have more picnics than i do. Jon wow. Stephen yeah, all of that and more is right in here. Get it for a friend. Get it for an enemy. Let them feel some of the guilt youre feeling on my behalf. Jon thats right. Stephen heres the thing, im so busy, even when i try, i dont get to confession as often as at all. laughter so if yall dont mind, id like to confess to you, my audience. You wont tell anybody, right . Audience of course not stephen this is Stephen Colberts midnight confessions. cheers and applause open door laughter standard disclaimer i dont know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. Okay, wait right there. closes, opens door organ music softly playing forgive me, audience. At last weeks high school reunion, everyone was whispering to each other, i didnt know Stephen Colbert went to our high school. laughter i didnt. laughter i told my kids that the ice cream man only plays music when he is all out of ice cream. laughter applause when i worked at an Office Supply store, i used to steal paper. laughter it had pictures of president s on it. laughter last week, i did a really bad job singing who let the dogs out, and it upset everyone at the funeral. laughter i buy familysized bags of potato chips, but only when my familys not around. laughter applause sometimes i pee in the shower. laughter display at home depot. laughter audience audience, at my last checkup, my doctor said i needed to make some serious lifestyle changes. So i changed doctors. laughter applause i fall asleep on long car rides, sometimes even as a passenger. laughter when the Flight Attendant asks if id be willing to help in an emergency, i say yes. But in my mind, im thinking, if we crash land on an island, i will eat you. laughter applause i will eat you. Its a compliment. On our first date, my wife asked me if i played any sports. I answered honestly and said hackey sack. I still dont know why she went on a second date with me. laughter one time, audience, i tried to commit all of the seven deadly sins, but i was too lazy to get past sloth. laughter i only recently learned that chapstick is for your lips. laughter cheers and applause that really paints a picture, doesnt it . laughter forgive me, audience . Audience we forgive you stephen thanks well be right back with Julianne Moore. cheers and applause band playing this is google home mini. Its the Google Assistant for your house. So it gets you. If you mumble. [minion mumbling]. It gets you. If you talk like this add worcestershire sauce to my cart. It still gets you. Okay, adding now. And if youre like hey google, play my love playlist. Ah, really . Play my love playlist. Oh yeah, it also knows the difference between you and him. Its google home mini. And the rest of the google home family. Hi, i need your help. S for ive been trying to find. A knee specialist. But nobody has an opening for months uuuggghhh uuurrrggghhh mr. Powers . You cant always control your feelings. I found one innetwork next tuesday. But choosing unitedhealthcare can help you control your care. Thanks, stephanie. I see on your preventive checklist, youre due for a colonoscopy. Its covered at no additional cost to you. Great no green. Unitedhealthcare boy this is the story of a boy wh what if Home Security was different . What if it looked different . What if the measure of working, was that you never had to think about it. What if it was so easy to use, you actually used it. [alarm] you have 3 minutes to exit. What if it gave you time, and what you really need from Home Security. A sense of security. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, ladies and gentlemen cheers and applause welcome back to the late show. Folks, my first guest tonight is the Academy Award winning actress you know from the the big lebowski, game change and still alice. Her new film is suburbicon. Um, what was that word . Excuse me . You said it all boiled down to one word . Did i . Oh, yes. Yes. It all boilsz down to one wordcoincidence. That happens in the opera a lot. Coincidence. Yeah, it gets ridiculous. But in real life, doesnt happen that much. I guess if it did it would stop being a coincidence. Its not the policy, its the claim. A coincidence on a claim is like a little red flag that makes us sit up and take notice and this claim has a bunch of little red flags on it. What kind of red flag . Stephen please welcome Julianne Moore julianne hi cheers and applause my goodness stephen its lovely to seeio. Seeyou. Lovely to see you, too. Stephen any movie youre in, i say, Julianne Moore is in that again. Stephen welcome back to the show. Youre such a wonderful actress. Youve got your oscar, your emmy, but youve got an interesting honor coming up i think about two weeks from now. I just got an invitation. Youre being honored by moma, the museum of modern art is honoring you. Yeah. Stephen how does it feel to be considered modern art . Youre a sitespecific installation. It hasnt happened yet, so ill figure it out when i get there, i guess. Stephen do you have to do anything . Once im installed. Stephen yeah, you want a nice simple frame around you. Maybe the sculpture garden. Stephen that would be lovely. Yeah. Stephen getting cold. Getting cold, exactly. Uhhuh. Stephen well, you know, i know it must be fun for you because i know you live in new york. I do, yeah. Stephen but are you from new york . Huhuh. Stephen okay. My dad was in the army so we moved all around the United States and lived in europe. Stephen how many places as a child did you live . I went to nine different s