laughter its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, trumps twitter tear. Plus stephen welcomes jordan peele alia shawkat and comedian paul mecurio. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen wooo hey how are you . Thank you, joe thank you, louis. Thank you, matty. Whats going on . Pleads, have a seat, everybody. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause well, folks, donald trump is back in the u. S. A. , and he went on tv today to brag about how great his asia trip was. And it turns out it wasnt just attention he was thirsty for. Japanese companies have announced investments in the United States worth more than 8 billion, 17,000 jobs. They dont have water . Thats okay. laughter what . Thats okay. Oh. laughter stephen wow. That is hard to watch. laughter you know that, after watching that, i need a drink. Where is the where is the they dont have it. They dont have it. Thats thats okay. Thats good. What that . Okay, they got that. They got this. laughter cheers and applause all right, thats not fair, okay. Everybody gets dry mouth. I cant stand here on National Television and make fun of a politician for drinking water. That is childish, and trump already did it way better with rubio. Hes like this and we will huh, huh i need water help me i need water help and hes this is on Live Television this total choke artist laughter unbelievable stephen unbelievable that you are the president. cheers and applause unbelievable after 12 days in asia, hes in the white house and hard at work watching tv and tweeting about it. Dot foxandfriends will be showing much of our successful trip to asia, and the friendships and benefits that will endure for years to come oh, friendships and benefits . laughter that meeting with putin did go well. And while trump loves promoting fox news, he gave equal time to other networks. While in the philippines, i was forced to watch cnn, which i have not done in months, and again realized how bad and fake it is. Loser oh, baby, hes back, and hes playing the hits. Do do do muslim ban. Do build the wall do lock her up lock her up lock her up i dont want to put that back in my pocket now. And trump didnt attack just tv. The failing nytimes hates the fact that i have developed a great relationship with World Leaders like xi jinping, president of china, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. Hey, the dots are back i missed you little guys youre the only part of trumps tweets that arent lies. cheers and applause jon oh, wow dot, dot. He continued, dot, dot, dot, they should realize that these relationships are a good thing, not a bad thing. The u. S. Is being respected again. Watch trade watch trade hear commerce smell business but trump did accomplish one thing while he was in asia. See, while they were on tour in china, three players on the u. C. L. A. Mens Basketball Team were arrested for stealing sunglasses from a Louis Vuitton store. Oh, come on you dont steal Louis Vuitton. You just buy a knockoff. Im pretty sure china has a chinatown. Somebody downtown beijing where all the Chinese People live. Wherever the Chinese People live over there, youll find it. During his visit, trump talked to xi, and yesterday we learned that the u. C. L. A. Basketball players were released and flew home from china. So, job well done. You gotta give it to him. Then the president moved on to more pressing matters in international relations, like deescalating the Nuclear Standoff with north korea. Im just kidding. laughter he tweeted, do you think the three u. C. L. A. Basketball players will say thank you President Trump . They were headed for ten years in jail yes, where is the gratitude . It reminds me of lincoln in the emancipation proclamation when he said, the slaves are now free. Youre welcome would it kill you to send an edible arrangement . laughter applause come on. cheers and applause . Jon i dont know about that. Stephen heres something, speaking of politics. Theres an update to the story of Alabama Senate candidate and guy who just cant believe it took this long to get caught, roy moore. For those of you who dont know or blocked it out or blacked out, roy moore was accused of Sexual Misconduct with a minor, one who said he assaulted her when she was just 14. Many republican lawmakers have denounced moore, but many stand by their man. Like alabama congressman and man who could not be identified in a lineup of one, mo brooks. Brooks was asked by a reporter yesterday if he believed roy moores accusers, and brooks looked that reporter in the eye and then ran away. Do you believe roy moore over the women . I believe democrats will do great damage to our country. So you still believe roy moore . I believe democrats will do great harm to our country on a myriad of issues. Stephen running away from your problems in a downward spiral . I think weve got a new republican metaphor. cheers and applause but mo brooks isnt the only one who believes in roy moore, and his supporters are pulling a few dirty tricks, including a curious new robocall seeking damaging information on moore. Now, the robocall isnt actually looking for dirt on moore. It is a fake message designed to discredit the Washington Post, who broke the story, and make the listener think the accusations are just part of a conspiracy, because the recording is well, lets say its not prosemitic. Take a listen. Stephen come on a jewish journalist part of a media conspiracy. The only worse stereotype would be a family values southern evangelical who turns out to be a secret perv. cheers and applause now, the Washington Post released a Statement Today released a Statement Today, responding to this call,ization youre shocked . You know its 2017, right . Antisemitic robocalls are pretty much par for the course. And this is the course. By the way, antisemitic robocall was the worst robocop sequel. And im being told weve obtained a recording of a second alabama robocall that really ups the ante. Stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. Jordan peele is here. But, when we return, People Magazines got a new sexiest man alive, and ive got some issues with it. Stick around all smartphones are more or less the same, right . But this is the moto z. Hello moto. Can your phone turn into a projector . Because a 70 inch projection beats any phone screen. And they might be bragging about portrait mode. But can your phone go beyond and transform into a real 360 camera . Its time to reinvent your smartphone. Its time to move on. Moto mods on the new moto z, from motorola. Get 200 off a moto z2 force edition. New charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. New charmin ultra soft is softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. Enjoy the go with charmin be ready for thanksgivingeekend at kowith an extra 20 off sale get everything to cook the ultimate feast throw pillows for a festive home and soft towels for all your guests this weekend at kohls friends and family sale give joy, get joy at kohls. People spend less time lying awake with aches and pains with advil pm than with tylenol pm. Advil pm combines the number one pain reliever with the number one sleep aid. Gentle, nonhabit forming advil pm. For a healing nights sleep. [ america by the 7seater volkswagen atlas. Lifes as big as you make it. Youre a family of master adventurers . Nd the fort making meet your new partner in crime will you help me . You know it i knew i could count on you family time, like only google can. Made with 100 ribeye beef, fresh spring mix and provalone cheese on a potato bun. R im inviting the whole industry to try it. Of course ill protect their identities. Like this. Try my first ever ribeye burgers. Introducing fast foods first made with 100 ribeye beef, fresh spring mix and provolone cheese on an artisan potato bun. Yep, nailed it come try my new ribeye burgers. Only at jack in the box. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, welcome back, everybody. Jon batiste and stay human right there making it happen night after night. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Ladies and gentlemen, you know, i try to keep up on the news. And, you know, i look at the websites. I read the newspapers. I watch the tv. And, obviously, i read People Magazine. And last night, People Magazine debuted their sexiest man alive, and its Blake Shelton what . What . What really . Do i have that right . About i miss something . Is Matthew Mcconaughey dead . He can repeat. Its been since 2005 since matthew was on the cover. Theres your scandal right now. Somebody please check on him. I want to make sure hes okay. I dont understand this. No offense to blake. Hes a solid seven, nothing to be ashamed of there. But sexiest man alive . More like the sexiest man at the home depot. And thats if its not a saturday. Okay. And sexy men, we sexy men if i may. cheers and applause and i think its my show. I think i may. Jon you got it, you got it sexy men have such a deep bench right now, we dont need to go straight to the guy from the voice whos not adam levine. Weve got idris elba. Weve got liam neeson. Liam is, like, 90 now. Hell, if youre three appletinis in and he promises not to talk about ayn rand, weve even got paul ryan, for petes sake. Oh, listen, youve never been alone with him. Listen, i know things have changed a lot in the past year up is down, down is up. Theres candycornflavored oreos. It might seem like there are no standards anymore, but sexy is still sexy, dammit now, listen, blake, i like you. Actually, i dont know anything about you. Youre a judge on that singing show not the first one, the other one. But im taking a stand. A line in the sand right now. I do not recognize Blake Shelton as our crowned sexiness king. He may have won the sexiness electoral college, but not the sexy popular vote. cheers and applause okay . We talking about the popular vote stephen no this is importantment . I have to take a stand. Theyre over there theyre going to try to cut this out of the show tonight i walk so, as far as im concerned, we now live in a leaderless sexy republic. Its complete sexy anarchy which actually sounds pretty hot. laughter is it im sorry listen, i know im going to upset some people with this, and i dont want to upset anybody, and i have been going on for a while here. But for male sexiness, there is no greater honor than People Magazines sexiest man alive, except maybe for gqs man of the year. cheers and applause what what is this . Wait what just happened . Audience Stephen StephenStephen StephenStephen StephenStephen Stephen cheers and applause stephen i dont know who asked the Props Department to put this out here. And im being told that i did. Well, that sounds like me bad hombre of the year right there. See that. Bad hombre of the year. There it is. More on that later. You know, its been a long over here . Where are am i talking . Over here . Its been a long, sexy year since trump won the election, and in that time, hes not done a lot. Hes failed to pass a health care plan. Hes failed to build a wall. But one thing trump has been pretty good at is appointing judges. So far, hes placed 13 judges, with another 46 awaiting confirmation, which is more than twice as many as obama had at this point in his presidency. Makes sense that trump would appoint as many judges as he can. Odds are, hes going to appear before one of them sooner or later. laughter so, who exactly cheers and applause who exactly are trumps judicial nominees . Well, theyre not just white men, okay. Some of them happen to be white men who are unqualified and insane. laughter id like to profile one of them in my new segment Stephen Colberts bench warmers. Tonights bench warmer Justice Department advisor and escapee from the day room, brett talley. Trump just appointed talley to serve as a district judge in alabama. Now, hes not the most obvious choice to be a federal judge, seeing as how he has practiced law for less than three years and has never tried a case, which is perfect you dont want some uptight judge whos prejudiced by all his experience in the courtroom. Just like getting some knowitall surgeon who can name every organ. Big deal. But what do the experts say . Well, when considering his nomination, the American Bar Association gave talley a rare not qualified rating. Jokes on you, American Bar Association in the trump administration, not qualified is the new black. laughter but talleys nomination is now getting a lot of scrutiny because it turns out he is married to a white house lawyer, a fact talley didnt disclose in his questionnaires submitted to the senate. So talley is still waiting to be confirmed, which gives him time to focus on his other job. Horror novelists. He is the author of guh, its alive and theres more, because talley is also a ghost hunter. According to a recent profile of talley, he and his fellow ghost enthusiasts would explore Old Plantation homes or abandoned insane asylums to search for signs of the supernatural. Oh, good. Maybe he can explain that spinning sound coming from abraham lincolns grave. Well, thats it for Stephen Colberts bench warmers. Join me next time when we profile trumps next judicial nominee carl, the owner of a paintball course where helmets are optional. For the record, carl has lots of courtroom experience. Well be right back with jordan peele. And every year, we split it equally. Except for one of us. I write them a poem instead. And one for each of you too. Thats actually yours. That one. Yeah. Regardless, were stuck with the bill. To many, words are the most valuable currency. Last i checked, stores dont take words. Some do. Not everyone can be that poetic voice of a generation. I know right . Such a burden. The bank of america mobile banking app. The fast, secure and simple way to send money. Endless shrimp is here like new Nashville Hot shrimp crispy, spicy, and drizzled with sweet amber honey. Plus the delicious classics you love, like garlic shrimp scampi. Try all the shrimp you want, however you want em. But hurry, it ends soon. But having his parents over was enlightening. You dont like my lasagna . No, its good. Hmm. Oh. Huh. [ both laugh ] here, blow. Blow on it. You see it, right . Is there a draft in here . Im telling you, its so easy to get Home Insurance on progressive. Com. Progressive cant save you from becoming your parents. But we can save you money when you bundle home and auto. When youre close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment . If you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. Taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. With taltz, up to 90 of patients had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. In fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin. Do not use if you are allergic to taltz. Before starting you should be checked for tuberculosis. Taltz may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. Tell your doctor if you are being treated for an infection or have symptoms. Or if you have received a vaccine or plan to. Inflammatory bowel disease can happen with taltz. Including worsening of symptoms. Serious allergic reactions can occur. Nows your chance at completely clear skin. Just ask your doctor about taltz. Broth, im making my stuffing. Run, who needs what . Nows your chance at completely clear skin. Tin foil, im makin yams. Im making my famous cranberry sauce so. A can of cranberry sauce . Get everyday essentials, priced right daily. Target run done. I am a First Responder tor and iemergencies 24 hours a day, everyday of the year. My children and my family are on my mind when im working all the time. My neighbors are here, my friends and family live here, so its important for me to respond as quickly as possible and get the power back on. Its an amazing feeling turning those lights back on. Be informed about outages in your area. Sign up for outage alerts at pge. Com outagealerts. Together, were building a better california. Were alaska airlines. And we dont just fly lumberjacks to glaciers. We fly App Developers to mexico city. Novelists to nashville. And pilates instructors to palm springs. Sure, we love a good glacier. But we also like a little cocoa butter. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey welcome back, everybody. My first guest starred in the hit tv show key peele and directed the smash hit movie, get out. How do you feel now . I cant move. Youre paralyzed . Now sink into the floor. Wait, wait, wait sink. Stephen please welcome jordan peele cheers and applause stephen hey. Nice to see you again. Did you tell them to stand . Stephen no, we didnt say anything. Thats not a thing . Stephen thats not a thing. Yeah thank you cheers and applause . Stephen you just got a standing ovation. Yeah. Well, nice to see you again. Havent seen you since we shot a little piece for the super bowl show two years ago. We did. Stephen and while we were shooting that you were telling me about this movie you were working on. Right. Stephen and i said, what is it about . And you said, its kind of crazy to explain. Its hard to explain. Stephen he said its called get out and you told me what the movie was about. And i said i will do see it. You made your debut with get out, highest grossing debut film based on original screenplay ever. Congratulations. cheers and applause its inf