F. B. I. And the president is a tool. Seriously. Its less secret society and more society. You dont have to hide me. Ebbed knows hes a tool. My name gary farbla. Alive at 34 sandalwood lane in arlington, i work with the f. B. I. Here are my credentials. I like mold planes, golf. You are the president of the smash mouth fan club voice distorted no comment. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert, tonight, trump makes doubles straight again. Plus stephen welcomes gi get gwh paltrow, ben mckenzie, and musical guest thirty seconds to mars, featuring jon batiste and stay human. Now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody thank you very much very kind ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause well, its day two of trumps trip to davos conference in the swiss alps. Its loaded with celebrities. Will. I. Am is there, Cate Blanchett is there. Obviously, the swiss miss is there. That ricola guy. And now, donald trump. Today, he sat down with british Prime Minister theresa may, which could have been awkward because theyve had some sharp words for each other. But today, in davos, trump defended their relationship the Prime Minister and myself have had a really great relationship, although some people dont necessarily believe that. But i can tell you, i have a tremendous respect for the Prime Minister and the job shes doing, and i think the feeling is mutual, from the standpoint of liking each other a lot. laughter stephen are you allowed just to say how the other person feels about you without them saying a word . Im not sure the feeling is mutual. Jim, can we see her close up . Yeah, she likes him. laughter thats what british people look like when theyre happy. Shes got that classic stiff upper face. laughter trump continued and so, there was a little bit of a false rumor out there. Just wanted to correct it, frankly, because we have Great Respect for everything youre doing, and we love your country because its really great. Stephen yeah, shes doing such a good job, theyre already calling this place great britain. All right . laughter after make america great, this one is already there. Its a great job. laughter trump also met with israeli Prime Minister and guy at the seniors mixer eyeing your mom, benjamin netanyahu. It was their first meeting since trump announced hes moving the u. S. Embassy to jerusalem, and trump defended the action. There were never any deals that came close because jerusalem you could never get past jerusalem. So when people said i set it back i didnt set it back. I helped them. Because by taking it off the table, that was the toughest issue. Stephen yes, he helped the negotiations, by ending the negotiations. Just like king solomon. Okay, both of you gals want this baby. Tell you what. Im going to cut it in half and give both sides to her. Now, you can fight over the knife. Ready, negotiate trump also threatened to withhold u. S. Funds for the palestinians because they dissed mike pence. We give, you know, hundreds of millions of dollars. When they disrespected us a week ago by not allowing our great Vice President to see them and we give them hundreds of millions of dollars in aid and support, tremendous numbers, numbers that nobody understands. laughter stephen no, somebody understands them. I dont know if you understand them. laughter numbers are like letters that dont spell words. And the numbers youre taking away, feed children. But trump had one recurrent theme. Listen carefully, and you might spot it. We took jerusalem off the table. So we dont talk about it anymore. They never got past jerusalem. We took it off the table. By taking it off the table that money is on the table and that money is not going to them unless they sit down and negotiate peace. The money is on the table. The money was never on the table. Stephen so the moneys on the table, its off the table. Its on the table, never on the table. That is confusing. He could have solved all of this by sticking to what he normally does leave the money on the dresser audience reacts piano riff applause jon whoa ha ha stephen allegedly. Jon oh, oh, allegedly. Stephen before trump left for davos, he surprised reporters waiting by john kellys office with an unplanned press conference. There were no cameras there, but we did get to hear the president make a stunning promise about the russia investigation. Are you going to talk to mueller . Im looking forward to it, actually. Would you do it under oath, mr. President . Oh, i would do it under oath. Yeah, absolutely. No, i would do it. Stephen incidentally, doing it under oath is my favorite Stormy Daniels movie. laughter jon whoa, whoa whoa laughter piano riff cheers and applause stephen raise your right hand you dont want to know where im putting the left one. laughter the president also weighed in on the report since verified by other members of the staff. Asked thenacting f. B. I. Director Andrew Mccabe who he voted for. Did you ask mccabe who he voted for . Did you ask him that . I dont think so. No, i dont think i did. You did not . I dont know whats the big deal with that, because i would ask you. Who did you vote for . Stephen ah, yes, the four stages of trump denial. I didnt do. I dont remember it. It wasnt a big deal. Who did you vote for . laughter piano riff so thats all his legal problems cleared up. Then he moved on to riffing some solutions to immigration. In that same president ial hallway address, for the first time ever, trump indicated that he is open to a path to citizenship for dreamers. Finally, a way for immigrants to become citizens without having to marry donald trump. laughter audience reacts of course, allegedly. Allegedly we fact checked that one. cheers and applause of course, the big story in washington continues to be Robert Muellers russia investigation, and a lot of republicans think its compromised because of one f. B. I. Agent who was on muellers team peter strzok. Suspicious. Who paid that z to be silent . laughter last year, it came out that strzok and his girlfriend, another f. B. I. Official named lisa page, had exchanged texts during the election that described donald trump as awful, an idiot, and an enormous douche. laughter okay. That that is wrong. Hes only 239 pounds. laughter and everyones buzzing about a text uncovered just this week. Apparently, the day after the election, strzoks girlfriend texted, are you even going to give out your calendars . Seems kind of depressing. Maybe it should just be the first meeting of the secret society. Gotcha laughter because when youre in a secret society, you always make sure to call it the secret society. And you meet in a place with a big sign that says secret society meeting, and have a secret handshake where we shake hands and whisper the word secret. laughter now, abc news got a hold of this text and confirmed it was standalone, oneoff joke. But what did they mean by are you even going to give out your calendars . Seems kind of depressing . What calendars were they speaking of . Was it some elaborate f. B. I. Plan that unfolded over months . Close. They were talking about vladimir putinthemed calendars for those working on the early stage of the russia investigation. It was a gag gift. The gifting was the calendar, the gagging was when trump won. laughter but theres one person who took these texts very seriously, and thats wisconsin senator and the nations highest ranking white walker, ron johnson. laughter johnson. A senator he went on fox news to argue about the existence of this secret society with the fervor of a man who knows people are doing stuff without him. Corruption at the highest levels of the f. B. I. Now. Secret society . We have an informant talking about a group that we are Holding Secret meetings offsite. Theres so much smoke and suspicion lets stop there. A secret society . Secret meetings offsite of the Justice Department . Correct. Stephen really . Correct . Informant . Those arent the words id use when a sitting senator goes on tv to willfully misinterpret a joke text to panic the public that the f. B. I. Is involved in a deep state conspiracy to overthrow the president. Whats the word for someone whod do that . Oh, yeah. Enormous douche. laughter cheers and applause thank you for your service, agent strzok. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Gwyneth paltrows here. And when we return, covetton partners with goop. 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Enjoy i cant believe its not butter in its vegan and its organic cheers and applause band playing Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody cheers and applause jon yeah yeah stephen jon, im excited im excited thanks, everybody i know its already thursday but i cannot wait for next week because im so excited because, next tuesday, for the people who dont know, we are going to be live following Donald Trumps very first state of the union speech, because i cannot wait to find out what the state of our union is. Jon yes, going to be historic to find out. Stephen could be strong, could be nacho cheese, we dont know, chocolaty, whatever mood hes in. Jon yeah, right, right. Stephen im also excited Gwyneth Paltrow is here tonight. Everyone knows im a huge fan of her and her lifestyle brand, goop. laughter at goop, you can find everything you need for a life of elegant wellness, from detox recipes, to beauty tips, to an 84 water bottle with an amethyst crystal inside to infuse water with positive energy. Just be careful when you drink, or you could infuse your trachea with a big rock. laughter and this weekend, goop will be hosting a wellness summit in goop health. Right here in new york city. The summit is going to feature cuttingedge panels, mindbodysoul classes, and a hall of experiential activations. And in case of emergency, a fire escape of metaphysical freedom. laughter as you may know, goops success inspired me to launch my own celebrity lifestyle brand, covetton house, where each product is lovingly handcrafted to accept your credit card. Which is why im thrilled to announce that covetton house will be teaming up with goop at their new york summit to bring you an exclusive line of aspirational, medicallyadjacent productprotunities. For a sneak peek at the goopcovetton collection or covoopetton as gwyneths lawyers have asked me not to call it join me now, in covetton house baroque simplicity. Shabby elegance. Give me money. Covetton house. Stephen hello. Welcome to covetton house. cheers and applause a place where peace reigns, and products are beautifully lit. Speaking of. Ahh. soft music younger. Covettonians, i have an incredible treat for you. Joining me now is the most influential figure in branded lifestyles please welcome the empress of goop herself, Gwyneth Paltrow cheers and applause oh, my god amazing oh, my god oh, my god incredible please oh cheers and applause please oh, my god i need sunscreen on this side of my body because you are radiant welcome welcome, gwyneth namaste, stephen. Stephen nah, were both going to stay. laughter i am so infused with gratitude that goop has invited covetton to partner with them for your Health Summit this weekend. Yes, but were not partnering. We prefer the term conscious coupling. Stephen of course. Oh, where are my manners . Yoni egg . Im good. Stephen suit yourself. Ive had five today. Little hard to chew, but man, do they work. Youre not supposed to eat those. Stephen that explains the heimlichs. So, your goopship, tell me about the summit. Its going to be amazing. Were featuring ayurvedic treatments, magnetic acupressure, and facial fitness exercises. Stephen oh, my god, my face hasnt worked out in months. Tell me about it. My faces ass is totally sagging. Stephen i wasnt going to say anything. Hydrate . Mmmmmm, so good. Mines bee pollen, kale, and two pumps of horsey sauce. Whats yours . Matcha, chia seeds, and tears shed by butterflies during oprahs Golden Globes speech. laughter stephen that sounds amazing. cheers and applause is there any way, could i are you mortal . Stephen i think so. Then its not safe for you. Stephen okay. Back to the summit. I understand youll also have a sound bar for binaural meditation . Yes. You can listen to two sounds simultaneously, to achieve a meditative state. Stephen covetton will have its own binaural meditation experience. May i demonstrate . Yeah. Stephen close your eyes. In one ear well pipe in the calming sound of the humpback whale. humpback whale sound while, in the other ear ill personally replicate the calming sound of the humpback whale. makes whale sounds laughter is it working . Did i clear your mind . Yes. But for some reason, im hungry for krill. Stephen hmm, that means its working. laughter lets move on to the one thing our Lifestyle Brands are really about branded merchandise. Happiness. Stephen yes. Happiness. laughter will there be any new goop products available at the summit . Something new we havent seen before . Absolutely. Im very excited about our new line of bath soaks salts, botanicals, and oils to nourish the body and the spirit, and theyre only 35. Stephen that sounds great. But i can get you primo bath salts on 11th avenue for, like, six bucks. laughter free, if youre willing to make a friend. laughter are you talking about drugs . Stephen you a cop . You have to tell me if youre a cop. laughter but, you know, stephen, just remember, wellness is not only about cleansing your soul. Stephen its about steaming your vagina. Namaste. Stephen namaste. Namaste. Yeah. laughter getting those eggs in there, getting those eggs in there. Do you feel its working . Oh, yeah. Stephen yeah, yeah. laughter mmmmmm laughter applause finally, gwyneth, lets get to the one product everyone wants. A zerocalorie beer that tastes like melted cheese . Were working on it. Stephen good. But im talking about what you use to get that unique, oneofakind gwyneth glow. Well, stephen, its about a holistic lifestyle nourishing the body and spirit, day in and day out. Stephen ugh. I was hoping there was some kind of magic face cream. Oh, you mean this . Stephen let me see that wait, wait, hold on. That stuff is far too powerful for your kind stephen im going to look just like you i can feel it working stephen, i think you mightve used too much. Stephen how do i look . You look amazing laughter stephen Gwyneth Paltrow, everybody. Well be right back with her cheers and applause band playing we took legendary and made it liberating. We took safe and made it daring. We took intelligent, and made it utterly irresistible. We took the most advanced eclass ever and made the most exciting eclass ever. The 2018 eclass coupe and sedan. Lease the e300 sedan for 569 a month at your local mercedesbenz dealer. Mercedesbenz. The best or nothing. You doing your taxes . Oh. Yeah. 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Oh, bababy hey babababy oh, babybaby look, look so good oh hey oh, bababy hey babababy oh, babybaby look, look so good oh, bababy look so good cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back, everybody cheers and applause folks, my first guest tonight is an Academy Awardwinner and creator of the lifestyle brand goop please welcome Gwyneth Paltrow cheers and applause band playing stephen thank you so much for being here thank you for having me. Stephen we met briefly once maybe a little over a year ago. Do you remember where that was . I do. Stephen is it okay if i tell the people . Its okay with me. Stephen we were at the white house. We were. Stephen back when it wasnt as white as it is now. laughter it was really fun. Last time we were at the white house, i think we were the only white people in the white house. Stephen that and the paintings on the walls. laughter im a huge fan not only of goop, but i also now youre an actress, or not everybody knows. Oh, right. Stephen you have an empire of lifestyle now. Seven, sliding doors, emma, perfect murder, oscar for shakespeare in love, royal tannenbaums, sylvia, proof, iron man, the emmy for the role in glee. So you already have this fantastic career. Youre a huge star. Why did you need to go goop it up . Well, i just had this incredible curiosity always when i was off making movies in places and cooking and traveling and i was kind of aggregating information, so it really just started as a place to share information where i would sit next to some incredible ph. D. In dinner and it was sort of a way to share information and i didnt wants pate it becoming as real of a business as it is. Stephen what did you think it was going to be . I dont really know. It was just it was a way to be creative and i think i just loved taking that little step towards brave ri. Like can i do this . I have no authority in this. But maybe i could and maybe i could some day be something, an its great, because now we have 150 mostly women working at the company and were doing really well. cheers and applause thank you. Stephen now youre a c. E. O.