I dream of a world where those questions are never asked again. Thats why its time for commonsense number control starting with background checks on intjerz. Lets find out if 789. People say we wont be able to function without numbers. Those same people said the g. O. P. Wouldnt be able to function without shame. Look at me. Im doing fine, and im a complete jackass. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Plus, stephen welcomes Kirsten GillibrandChris Gethard and musical guest portugal, the man. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey, how are you . Thank you, joe. Thank you very much. Hey, everybody thanks so much. Youre too kind. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, welcome, one and all, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. applause and it can be thank you for that it can be a rough and depressing world, but this weekend we timely got some news that was good. And it comes to us from Wakanda Wakanda forev is something i probably shouldnt say. Its cultural appropriation, even though its not a real place. Black panther broke all sorts of records this weekend. It had the largest solo super hero opening of all time, the largest ever box office in february, and the most white people seeing a movie starring a black person who is not will smith. Its true. You can fact check that one. Black panther is great. I saw it did you see it . Did you see it this weekend . Did you see it. Jon oh, yeah. Did you like it . I loved it. It was fantastic. Its so nice to see such a big budget movie with a predominantly African American cast. cheers and applause time was beautiful. Talented. Time was, the marketing would have focused on the only two white men in it, and the movie would have been called Martin Freeman in c. I. A. Guy back here in america, we have our own drama. On friday, Robert Mueller indicted 13 russian nationals and three russian entities for allegedly meddling in the 2016 president ial election, charging them with conspiracy to defraud the united states. First of all, no one saw this coming. There was no there were no leaks. They didnt know this was going to be the indictment on friday. That surprised everybody in the news media. Muellers office doesnt leak. That place is tighter than mike pences sphincter. Allegedly, allegedly. I dont know what that means. I dont know what that means. Apparently, the russians posted divisive facebook ads, posed as political activists and use the flash points of immigration, religion, and race to manipulate a campaign in which those issues were already particularly divisive. So they were using the internet to make people angry, or as cyber experts call it, using the internet. The russians even used Fake Identities that were a little weird. Quick tip if someone is ever that up front insisting about hating crime, they dont actually hate crime. Its like if someone is wearing a tshirt that says not going to murder you, get out of there according to the indictment, some of the russians were also in contact with unwitting individuals associated with the Trump Campaign. Unwitting. So that narrows it down to the entire Trump Campaign. laughter applause cheers Trump CampaignTrump Campaign look at you. Happy boy the indictment also shows russian trolls operated a popular twitter account called ten gop, which falsely claimed to be affiliated with the Tennessee Republican party. Ive said it before, and ill say it again you cant just believe everything you read online. There arent always horny milfs in your area. laughter some of them are like a fivemile drive away. laughter at first, donald trump claimed that these indictments actually exonerated him, tweeting, deputy a. G. Rod rosenstein stated at the News Conference there is no allegation in the indictment that any american was a knowing participant in this illegal activity. yeah, maybe, but cheers and applause fans of the president. So lovely. Maybe so, but the investigation isnt over thats like seeing the Empire Strikes back and going, well, han solo is frozen, landos a bad guy, and darth vader is victorious. I require zero followup. Lets go. Dont know where i was going just then. The parking lot, i guess. But then the mean tv people pointed out that it didnt exonerate him, so he tweeted 18 times about this, including, funny how the Fake News Media doesnt want to say that the Russian Group was formed in 2014, long before my run for president. Maybe they knew i was going to run even though i didnt know laughter maybe they told me i had to run because they had pictures of me with prostitutes. laughter maybe they helped me win. Maybe, maybe i knew about it the whole time and am lying right now. Maybe. I dont know. Of course, anythings possible. applause but, of course, donald trump is the president , and he knows that the buck stops on the previous guy. Obama was president up to, and beyond, the 2016 election. So why didnt he do something about russian meddling . Also, why didnt he kick down the door in at trump tower during that meeting and arrest the russian lawyer and tase my son and someone should have stopped me from sleeping with porn stars thanks, obama applause trump and this is hard to believe but of but trump even turned last weeks horrific shooting in parkland, florida, into an attack on the f. B. I. s investigation, saying, very sad that the f. B. I. Missed all of the many signals sent out by the Florida School shooter. This is not acceptable. They are spending too much time trying to prove russian collusion with the Trump Campaign. There is no collusion. Get back to the basics and make us all proud i have not seen anything that crass since f. D. R. s pearl harbor speech. December 7, 1941, a date which will live in infamy. Way to screw it up, Navy Laughter stephen i dont remember that part. Jon i dont remember that part. That part is new. Stephen not that great of a president after all, evidently. Jon yeah, to Say Something like that. Stephen not that great of a president after all. Now, we werent on air last week when this shooting happened in florida. And like you, i was sickened and heartbroken, not only by the attack and the loss of life, but by what i feared would be the complete lack of action by our leaders. And that feeling was quickly reinforced by statements like this from people like marco rubio, who completely abdicated responsibility. You could pass a law that makes it hard to get this kind of gun in a new condition, but youre going to struggle to keep it out of the hands of someone who has decided thats what they want to use. Im just trying to be clear and honest here. If someone has decided, im going to commit this crime, they will find a way to get the gun to do it. Stephen another as long as were being clear and honest, senator, as a lawmaker, your position is the laws are useless. Everyone into the thunderdome then why do we need you . It seems like a houseplant would do a better job, and it would probably need less water. cheers and applause we havent forgotten. No, we will never forget. applause but there is one group that does give me hope that we can do something to protect the children and, sadly, its the children. The students from parkland, florida applause hell, yeah. Good for them. These students saw their leaders doing nothing and said, hold my root beerment. My message for the people in office is youre either with us or against us. We are losing our lives while the adults are playing around. To every politician who is taking donations from the n. R. A. , shame on you. You havent taken a single bill for Mental Healthcare or gun control and passed it, and thats pathetic. Are you kidding me . You think now is the time to focus on the past and not the future to prevent the death of thousands of other children . You sicken me. Were children. You guys, like, are the adults. Stephen hes right. The adults arent cutting it anymore. I think we need to change the voting age. Until we do something about guns, you cant vote if youre over 18. laughter applause and its more id feel better. Id feel better. And its more than just words. These kids are taking action, organizing a series of School Walkouts across the country and a march in washington. These kids are inspiring. The only reason i walked out of class was to go behind the school and. Study. laughter today, these kids bussed to tallahassee to ask lawmakers to beg lawmakers, to reinstate the assault weapons ban, the very weapons that were used to kill their class mates. And with these students watching from the gallery, those legislators proved they heard their anguished cries and voted no anyway. Well, i hope these kids dont gich up, because this is their lives and their future. Someone else may be in power, but this country belongs to them. And there is reason for hope. Look at the metoo movement. A lot of men in power did not see that coming. But it proved that change can happen overnight. And this is an election year. So if you want to see change, you have to go to the polls and tell the people who will not protect you that their time is up. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Senator Kirsten Gillibrand is here. But when we come back, new news about trumps sex life. Bungabunga hold together. A little to the left. 1, 2, 3, push easy easy easy horn honking alright alright weve all got places to go weve all got places to go Washington Crossing the delaware turnpike . Surprising. Whats not surprising . How much money sean saved by switching to geico. Big man with a horn. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more. Of being there for my sons winning shot. That was it for me. Thats why im quitting with nicorette. Only nicorette mini has a patented fast dissolving formula. It starts to relieve sudden cravings fast. Every great why needs a great how. Every great why discpump, foam, hydrate care foaming body wash. New dove men care foaming body wash ive had three people trooh, lucky penny. Anyway, sometimes i wish i were human. Woahhhh. Im human do you want to eat me . Would you like to eat me . Nobody wants to eat me. I see your one, two and three dollar deals. Tell you what, ill raise you five. Introducing value jacks way. Five great ways to save. Like i tell jack jr. , its all about big values, jr. Prices. Thats value jacks way. Like jacks oneofakind breakfast pockets for 2 each. Three of jacks famous tacos and a small drink for 3 or a classic bonus jack combo for 5 its like i tell jack jr. , its all about big values, jr. Prices. band playing cheers and applause jon jon batiste and stay human, everybody. Give it up for the band right there jon yeah, yeah stephen good to see you again. Good to see you all again. Well, welcome back, everybody. You know, this morning, the white house was able to get a break from the scandals of today with a scandal from ten years ago, because today, the Washington Post ran a story about a woman named rachel crooks, one of the 19 women whove accused donald trump of sexual assault, who has launched a campaign to become a Democratic State representative in ohio. Heres what happened. applause back in the early 2000s, crooks worked as a receptionist for a company in trump tower, and one day she saw trump waiting for the elevator outside her office, so she went to introduce herself. And then, before she understood what was happening, she remembered trump becoming the second man ever to kiss her, which is awful, but at least she had something to compare it to. Otherwise, shed think that kissing all men was like being assaulted by a leather bag of moist potatoes. laughter applause mmm of course, of course, the president was far too consumed with todays domestic crises to notice this story. And he tweeted, a woman i dont know and, to the best of my knowledge, never met, is on the front page of the fake news Washington Post saying i kissed her for two minutes yet in the lobby of trump tower 12 years ago. Never happened who would do this in a public space with live security dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot cameras running. laughter applause is this really the argument you want to put out there, sir . Come on, who would do it in public . If i were assaulting someone, i would do it in the alley behind trump tower at 6 30 p. M. During shift change at au bon pain, when nobodys looking out the window, like ive never done. applause and, and were also hearing more about the women who actually concepted to let trump kiss them. The new yorker is reporting that in 2006, President Trump had an affair with Karen Mcdougal, a former playboy model. No surprise. In her centerfold, her turnons included rampant corruption, thinskinned egomaniacs, and one wide yellow hair piled atop a deflated basketball. applause but if this happened over a decade ago, why is the new yorker reporting about it now . Because back before the election, the publisher of the National Enquirer paid 150,000 for exclusive rights to mcdougals story, which it never ran. Welcome to trumps america, where if a story is too steamy and trashy for the National Enquirer, youll find it in the new yorker. And there are handwritten notes from Karen Mcdougal about the affair. Apparently, after their first sexual encounter, mcdougal writes, he offered me money. I looked at him and felt sad, and said, no thanks. Im not that girl. I slept with you because i like you, not for money. he told me, you are special. yes, trump lets his mistresses know up front that hes willing to pay. Thats why he has a sign up in his hotel room we validate porking. Thats a misprint, isnt it . Its gotta mean parking. Its gotta mean parking. Thank you, jon. But mcdougal wasnt attracted to trump because of his money. In her notes, she writes, i was into his intelligence and charm, such a polite man. Okay, now this storys falling apart. laughter and according to the article, trump complimented mcdougal by saying that she was similar to his daughter, ivanka. Okay, now this story is starting to seem real again. And all of trumps affairs are family affairs, because mcdougal recalls that at one party, trump said he asked his son eric who he thought was the most beautiful girl here, and eric pointed at me. Well, first, eric pointed at a particularly curvy lamp. And laughter and smart guy. And it gets weirder. Mcdougal goes on, eric pointed at me. Mr. T. Said he has great taste, and we laughed now, its likely that by mr. T. , she means trump. But doesnt it feel just as likely that mr. T. Was somehow involved . I pity the fool i pity the fool who doesnt ask his son which bunny to bang. I also approve of Stephen Colberts impression of me. Through a friend, mcdougal reached out to see if anybody in the media would pay for her story. The response was like a hobo on a ham sandwich. laughter which is also a good way to describe sex with donald trump. So when i get that feeling stephen did i just offend hobos or ham sandwiches . So whos the publisher who shelled out for the story . His name is no joke david pecker. laughter as one former Senior Editor put it, you would think that trump has all the power in that relationship but, in fact, pecker has the power. laughter oh, no. Oh, no. It is quite clear that the peckers in charge. But most interesting of all is the timing. The affair with mcdougal happened around the same time as trumps affair with Stormy Daniels. How dare you, sir cheating on Stormy Daniels . Do you not respect the sanctity of the billionaireporn star relationship . You just go ahead and threetime the person youre twotiming with . For gods sake, sir. You watched shark week with her did that mean nothing to you . 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