Defense secretary techniques as mixed messages. Were ready for war we dont want war were ready to strike we dont want to strike you do the hokeypokey and you turn yourself around. Thats what its all about. Persuading allies. Sorry what we said about nato. Angela merkel, looking good. Is that a new pantsuit . Hey, macron. Oolala. Parlezvous iran . So sign up for darius lighthouses acting secretary school of acting today. And you can trust me, because im not only the theaters director. Ive also been understudying eric for years. laughter its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, americas got democrats. Plus, stephen welcomes naomi watts chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot and musical guest the raconteurs featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause cheers and applause . Stephen darius lighthouse. Ive got to get chance down. You have to teach me that one. Audience hey, thanks, everybody hello, up there. Hello, vicki. Please, have a seat, everybody. Thank you so much. Thank you thank you please, have a seat everybody. Welcome, everybody, down here, up there, way in the corner. Whats up, vicki . Welcome, one and all, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause i feel the the same way. I feel the same way because its friday cheers and applause its got that friday feeling. You all earned it. Hope youre all having a good friday. Hope youre not having one of those freaky ones where you switch bodies with your mom. I dont know why i dont know why thats still legal . The president must be looking forward to the weekend, too. He had a very busy week launching his 2020 campaign. But in the middle of all it of it, he sat down to talk about the cover of time magazine. Its his 29th cover. The only one hes been on more is horny golfer. 29 times. 29 time covers is quite the feat. So, of course, trump still had to lie about it. According to the magazines editor in chief, the president has said that hes been on the cover of time more than anyone else. That isnt true. The record holder is richard nixon. Yes, nixons been on more magazines, but donald trump has been spanked by more magazines. applause everyone remember . Everyone remember . Whats the on the eve of his reelection kickoff, trump gave us a glimpse of his strategy. He says something controversial, campaign harvests the data. As one aide explained it trump blows the hole and, everyone runs into the breach, laughter which i think is a delicate way of saying theyve had to use the jaws of life to get him off the toilet. laughter trump also laughter executive time. Its called executive time. Trump also took the chance to brag about his friend group, showing off a handdelivered birthday letter sent from kim jongun. I know were all used to trumps friendship with kim jongun, but this is just weird. Why does he keep bragging about being pals with a mass murderer . as trump look look here. Hannibal lecter made me a macaroni valentine laughter wait. Im sorry. Those are teeth. Cute though let that image sink in right now. Of course, trumps got plenty of competition to be his competition, and ill give you the latest from the democratic primary in tonights doin it donkey style applause this week, the New York Times interviewed a huge group of candidates, asking them all the same 18 questions. Check out the graphics. Thats a lot of mouths. Its also the opening credits for the brady bunch oops all parents. Joe biden didnt sit for this, but we did learn a lot about everyone else. And seeing them all together raised some new questions for me, like, who the hell are you . Seriously, what is your name . And im gonna say. Dan . Or sean . Come on these two are exactly the same guy the times asked the candidates some lighter questions. Whats your comfort food on the campaign trail . When youre a vegan, that means lots of veggies on the go. Coffee. My favorite coffee is a mocha. Mints. Kind bars. I dont have a comfort food. I have a comfort drink, which is iced tea. Stephen oh, they are doomed. Mints . iced tea . Come on. Youre in america just say burgers or pizza or nachos or french fries or just chugging alfredo sauce straight from the jar comfort food applause pop open a can of hersheys. Chocolate jimmies. Just go to town on yourself with a spoon. Comfort food is what you eat because you ran out of xanax. But one candidate had the right take on comfort foods. Glass of whiskey at the end of the night . thank you, senator thank you, senator gillibrand, thank you for finally recognizing whiskey as a food. It is made of corn and it is my only source of fiber. The candidates were also asked how theyd handle the crisis of climate change, and the boldest plan came from congressman eric swalwell. First and foremost, i would host, in the united states, a climate summit. Theres the fighting spirit as swalwell this could end civilization as we know it, so ive rented some Conference Rooms and ordered some iced tea and mints. laughter the times also asked these candidates, who is your hero . And a lot of them picked the same guy. Politically, i would go with lincoln. Abraham lincoln. Abraham lincoln. Abraham lincoln. Certainly abraham lincoln. Stephen kind of a copout. Thats like saying my favorite band is the beatles, my favorite weather is sunny, and my favorite thing to do with my lungs is breathe. laughter but a few of the candidates chose a hero a little closer to home. Uh. My wife my wife. My wife right now. In many ways, my wife. Wow i mean, right now its, like, baker mayfield, the quarterback of the Cleveland Browns. laughter applause applause did he say baker mayfield, the quarterback of the Cleveland Browns . Tim ryan, the only way it could have been worse is if he had said i dont know, the last guys wife. She seems good. Tim ryan did bring up his wife when asked where he would go on his first trip as president. Europe. I would go to europe. In fact, i already teased my wife that within the first few weeks of getting sworn in, were going to have to go to europe and really rebuild our alliances in nato. Stephen why would you tease your wife like that, tim ryan . laughter we all know youre actually going to take baker mayfield. laughter jon oh, wow stephen the candidates were also asked about their nighttime routine. How many hours of sleep do you get a night . Not enough. Not enough. Just enough time to be able to have dreams at nighttime and Vision Statements during the daytime. Stephen what does that even mean . Ive got daydreams at nighttime, night dreams at daytime, and when pizzas on a bagel, you can have pizza anytime. cheers and applause true story. Jon yeah, its nice. Stephen steve but a big group of these candidates is still polling ahead of donald trump. Hes currently losing to joe biden, bernie sanders, elizabeth warren, kamala harris, and pete buttigieg. Or as trump calls them as trump sleepy, crazy, pocahonty, prosecutey, and the guy whose name starts with butt. with an advantage that large, theres no way the democrats can screw this up. Is something only people born after 2016 would say, because last weekend, we got a warning sign when the Democratic Party tried a little too hard to appeal to the youths with this tweet referencing a threeyear old beyonce song this is a whole mood. Text boy bye to get this exclusive wallpaper. That, of course, was the work of the democrats head millennial outreach, morris. laughter applause come on come on, democrats. The future of our country is at stake dont blow it trying to be hip this is like if paul revere stopped midride to tweet, isnt my horse low key thicc tho . Weve got a great show for you tonight. Naomi watts is here but when we come back meanwhile applause miller lite is brewed for great taste with only 96 calories and zero grams of sugar. So when ones done, its the perfect time to start another. Miller lite. Hold true. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody jon that was nice. Like, boom boom stephen joe, youre playing those drums so hard, its like they made you mad or something. No, im happy. Stephen youre happy, good, okay. Jon, naof naomi watts is here. Jon oh, yeah. Scream queen. Stephen shes in the new showtime series, plays Gretchen Carlson in the sho time series, the loudest voice. We had Russell Crowe on last night for it. Its amazing. Amazing series. Jon roger ailes. Stephen yeah, its about roger ailes and the rise of fox news. Good folks. laughter you know, i spend a lot of time handstitching you a bespoke suit of a monologue out of the biggest, finest news stories. I do it every night over there, my little sewing machine. But sometimes i like to gather up all the leftover fabric, sew the pieces together, slap some googly eyes on it, stick my arm up there, and perform the oneman puppet show that is my segment meanwhile. cheers and applause meanwhile they said it couldnt happen again. Cant stop you cant stop mile you cannot stop meanwhile. Bullets cant stop it. Meanwhile, big news for marvels fans. Avengers Endgame is headed back to theaters with new footage. Yeah finally, finally, something for all those fans who said, three hours is not long enough i want my bladder to rupture in the theater. So why the theatrical rerelease . Turns out its because endgame is just 45 million shy of the alltime Worldwide Box Office record. Oh, you think if you toss a couple extra scenes in a marvel movie, comic book fans are just gonna line up and fork over 45 million . You fools. Theyre going to fork over 100 million. Meanwhile, on tuesday 16. 5 tons of cocaine was seized at the philadelphia port, with an estimated street value of 1 billion. Its a good thing drug cartel kingpins are known for their forgiving attitudes. Hello, sir. Hello, sir. Did you see the news . Yeah. All 16 all 16 tons are gone. Anyway, i just started here a couple weeks ago, so do you think you could possibly maybe not dissolve me in a barrel of acid . Thank you. Thank you so much ha, yes, this is why pencils have erasers, sir ok, see you at the teambuilding retreat thank you. applause meanwhile, a woman in england asked her colleagues for a mariah carey cake for her birthday and instead received a marie curie cake. And here it is laughter applause happy birthday, siobahn we got you the haunted, baleful gaze of a female scientific pioneer slowly sacrificing her life for mankind. That is bleak. And whoever the baker is, youre not fooling anybody with those pink cupcakes up there. Thats like when your dad started wearing that hat after the divorce. as dad im not depressed. Look at my jaunty fedora. Meanwhile, an alabama man allegedly fed his attack squirrel meth to keep it aggressive. And just in case youre wondering, does the guy look exactly like i think he does . Yes, he looks exactly like you think he does. Also, why give a squirrel meth . I assumed squirrels were already on meth. They can sprint vertically up a tree with their bare hands to guard their collection of garbage they found in the park. laughter but theres a happy ending, folks. When authorities found the methedout squirrel, they released it into the wild. So now the woodland creatures have a new friend. Who never sleeps and is going to steal the mooses xbox. Meanwhile, teens. Oh, no what did you do this time, teens . New Research Suggests that phone use is to blame for horns growing on young peoples skulls. Thats right, smartphones are reshaping your childs skull. Not so worried about tide pods now, are you . laughter kind of nostalgic. Apparently, young people are looking down at their phones so much that theyre developing hornlike spikes at the back of their skulls, bone spurs caused by the forward tilt of the head. Okay, kids, dont panic. When donald trump tries to send you to fight in iran next month, those bone spurs are going to come in really handy. Well be right back with naomi watts. applause choices cat 1 look lil soups cat 2 theres the shreds cat 2 friskies has it all. cat 1 i want it all can i have it all . vo feed their fantasy. Friskies. vo you can win free friskies for a year. Learn how at friskies. Com ours is a proud bloodline. We hail from the battlefields to the badlands. From the mountains and the midtowns. From the islands to the highlands. And directly to those who understand. That when you get behind the wheel. Youre not just driving a jeep wrangler. Youre joining a family. Hey, this one looks like a chmm. On. I dont see it. Oh. Its on. Oh, now i see it. Stylish. What do you see in your cheetos . What would i say to somebody living with hiv . Keep being you. Keep loving. Keep aspiring. Keep striving. And ask your doctor about biktarvy. Biktarvy is a complete onepill, onceaday treatment used for hiv in certain adults. Its not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv with three different medicines to help you get to undetectable. That means the amount of virus is so low it cant be measured in lab tests. So keep pushing. Keep creating. And keep pouring your soul into everything you do. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. Do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. Common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. If youre hivpositive, keep loving who you are, inside and out. Ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. Astermites,ctor if biwere on the move. 24 7. Roger. Hey rick, all good . Oh yeah, were good. Were good. Termites never stop trying to get in, we never stop working to keep them out. Terminix. Defenders of home. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the show friday . Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is a twotime Academy Award nominee you know from the impossible, birdman, and king kong. She now stars as Gretchen Carlson in the loudest voice. Please welcome naomi watts applause cheers and applause stephen please, madam, please. Please, have a seat. Thank you. Thank you. Stephen nice to see you again. Thanks for coming back. Thanks for having me back you. Stephen look very glamorous this evening. Thank you. I dressed up for you. Stephen we know you as australian. Correct. Stephen but i understand you actually grew up in wales in a like a country girl in wales . Yes, on a farm, actually. Stephen how country are we talking . What kind of farm, sheep . Goats, actually. Stephen goats. Yes. My grandmother bred goats. Stephen really. Yeah. And we would milk them and be relegated to chores, like mucking the pens s. Stephen sure. What kind of goats are we talking here . Do you remember the breed . No. I sound luke a liar now. I was a kid i dont know. There were there were stephen they were new castle kieltys. Well done that sounds convincing. Stephen were you in a town or were you out in the countryside . We were out in the countryside. Stephen what was the nearest town . And was the name of that town like a bucket of cons nantz. Basically. Stephen welch is very difficult to pronounce. Was the nearest train station. Stephen wow you can say it . Stephen i did not know you spoke klingon. laughter . Stephen well, you got your big break in the 30s, i understand. So you paid your dues. In my 30s. laughter stephen king kong . Isnt king kong in the 30s . Thats true. Stephen if your 30s you got a big break. That means a lot of auditions before you got there. Yes. Stephen i had some terrible auditions. Really. Stephen awful. Nobody would employ me until my 40s. Can you remember the worst awe audition you had . Someone fell asleep in an audition. That was pretty much a bad one. Stephen do you remember what this was for . I do. Its the film that you would all recognize but im not going to do that. Stephen did you get the part . No stephen i dont know i mean how stephen its possible. When you look across the room and see the director nodding off, you basically are just thinking, ive got to get out of here. He hates me. Im so boring. This is so dull. Stephen maybe he finds you very soothing. Well. Stephen be positive about it. Yeah, right, well, it didnt go well. Stephen one exciting thing i just learned about you is that youre going to be in the prequel to game of thrones, which takes place, i understand, thousands of years before the present series just ended . Is that true . Do you know . laughter how about this you cant answer, right . Thats right, yeah. This is my poker face. Stephen do you know whether what i said is true . Im not asking you to say whether its true or in the. I do. I do know. But i wont let on. Stephen it takes place in valorria, right . Thats what it is. I can tell. You can say anything. You can try. You can try. Stephen really, you can say anything . We can keep going here. Stephen over the very, very, very south, whatever that continent is. Do you know anything about game of thrones. Stephen yes, i watched the whole thing. Stephen did you enjoy the end . Yes, im not one of those people saying, do, it again. Glvment theyre right. Im saying show me a sequel or a prequel with naomi watts thousands of years before in valarria, which we just confirmed is whats going to happen. I did not stephen yes, did you. You just confirmed we are going to edit out all of your denials. laughter do you you are known as a as a scream queen. Yes. Stephen maybe the scream queen because youve done enough horror films where you have to scream in them. Yes, ive done lots of them. Stephen were very good at it. Im not going to ask you to scream right now. I can. Stephen you can . Well, i mean cheers and applause is this mine. Stephen do you oh, yes, it is yours. Do you need some prompting . It depends. What do you want . What kind of scream count . There are many different theres a scared kind of help me scream . Document a im going to, you know, like go crazy . Or or do you want this is so fun scream . Stephen give me so fun. Give me so fun first. Oh, you want me to do more than one . Im going to burn out. laughter this is stephen all right, youre brushing your teeth in the bathroom mirror. Yeah, okay. Stephen you look down to spit out the toothpaste. You look up, and there is a just a screaming skull over your theres just a cackling skull over your shoulder in the mirror. screaming cheers and applause stephen you know what . I hope i didnt bloat mic there, guys. Stephen i really want that to be my ring tone now. laughter well, now, ive actually started watching this is an incredible series on showtime, the loudest voice. Its about roger ailes and sorting of the birth and