But makes two stops for ten minutes, or a train that travels 40 Miles Per Hour and makes one stop for five minutes . Id go on an airplane. Stephen no. Lets make it simple. Whats going on in this picture is this. She was not sleeping. Stephen close enough. Mr. President , dont move. Theres a squirrel on your shoulder they have really taken advantage of us. Stephen i can see that. How do you plan to get rid of the squirrels . A nuclear weapon. Stephen that seems a little extreme. O whetheobliteration like yoe never seen before. Stephen lets forget the squirrels for a second. Shoo shoo okay, sir. Final question. When it comes to american democracy, what do you think your legacy will be . I was the one that ended it. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonights donald duck. Plus stephen welcomes tom holland, democratic president ial candidate andrew yang, and musical guest jenny lewis, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey whoo welcome welcome one good to see you. Welcome one and all. cheers and applause ladies, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause did you have a good weekend . cheers and applause i had a fantastic one. You know why . I did not read the news because it has been a little dark. laughter thursday night, we almost went to war with iran, and that was the story from the smile file. laughter ill tell you all about that in part two of our alreadytoolongrunning series drum beat america at whaaa . laughter stephen last wednesday night, iran shot down an unmanned u. S. Drone, and nobody knew what President Trump was going to do, including President Trump because, according to officials, on thursday night, the president approved a strike on iran. As late as 7 00 p. M. , planes were in the air and ships were in position, but no missiles had been fired when word came to stand down. So we were poised to start a war with iran, but donald trump did the right thi gags . laughter applause im sorry. Im not used to saying that sort of thing. Trump made the correct moral gags . laughter point is, this is the first thing that trump has ever ordered that he didnt finish. laughter jon wow. Stephen friday morning trump explained, we were cocked and loaded to retaliate last night on three different sights misspelled when i asked, how many will die. 150 people, sir, was the answer from a general. 10 minutes before the strike, i stopped it. Okay, i appreciate the sentiment. He doesnt want casualties, but isnt that something you should check before youve ordered the strike . as trump okay, i have this gun, its full of bullets, the hammers pulled back, and what does this thing do when i pull the trigger . Do fruit roll ups come out . What happened . Also, i just want to say cocked and loaded . The expression is locked and loaded. cheers and applause as trump we were cocked and loaded, we were at defcock 5, about to rain down a little cock and awe. It was just a tiny little mushroom cloud. cheers and applause what . What . A Tactical Nuclear weapon. Jon i aint touching that. Stephen trump explained himself further in an interview with host of meet the press, chuck todd, seen here fist bumping his biggest fan. laughter trump said he gave iran a pass this time, but things might be different in the future. Im not looking for war and, if there is, itll be obliteration like youve never seen before. But im not looking to do that. Stephen he doesnt want to, but you might trigger a massive response. Hes like bruce banner. as trump you wouldnt like me when im angry. Or when im happy or when im eating. laughter not a pretty sight. Trump was proud of himself. According to one source, he liked the command of approving the strike, but also the decisiveness of calling it off. Its simple. Donald trump likes the decisiveness of calling off the terrible command donald trump just gave. laughter then today, trump announced new sanctions on iran, and at the signing ceremony, he explained one of the reasons he called off the strike. Obviously, the people of iran are great people. You know, i know many of them. I lived in new york. I havent been there very much the last two and a half years, but i know many iranians living in new york and theyre fantastic people. I have many friends that are iranian. Stephen as trump i didnt bomb them this time, but if i change my mind, you should all know that id be obliterating some fantastic people. Really great. They will be missed. laughter irans not the only thing trump changed his mind about this weekend. On sunday, ice planned to conduct a major operation in multiple cities to round up and deport undocumented families. Even undocumented parents who have children who are u. S. Citizens, so it is possible parents could be deported while their children are left behind. audience booing how did that brainstorming meeting go . All right, guys. Come on, i need some new ideas. Taking kids from their parents was a disaster. Come on, toss out some new ideas uh. laughter well. laughter what if. We took. The parents. Away from the children . laughter i love it laughter thankfully, on saturday trump announced hell delay the deportation operation. What changed his mind . Apparently, his buddy nancy pelosi called him friday night, and today she revealed what she said to him youre scaring the children of america. Stephen and the adults arent doing too well either cheers and applause cross talk between jon and steve trump explained on twitter at the request of democrats, i have delayed the illegal immigration removal process deportation for two weeks to see if the democrats and republicans can get together and work out a solution to the asylum and loophole problems at the southern border. If not, deportations start so his shred of human decency has an expiration date. laughter its like if scrooge had gotten up on christmas morning, and said as scrooge you there, boy, heres a shiny shilling. Get me the prize turkey in the window. And make it quick, because in 12 hours im going to turn back into a complete jerk laughter im going to kick tiny tims crutch oooh cheers and applause but trump is hopeful that the border is an easy fix, as he said yesterday during his appearance on chuck the todd. You know what . If they change those, i say, i used to say 45 minutes. Its 15 minutes. If they changed asylum and if they changed loopholes, everything on the border would be perfect. Stephen yes, despite years of disagreement on our immigration laws, trump is promising to fix the border quicker than dominos can deliver a pizza. as trump you know my guarantee were done in 15 minutes or i completely lose interest. What were we talking about again . Hey, how did the bombing of iran go . What why . laughter heres something you do not see discussed on tv a lot this weekend, the president of the United States was accused of Sexual Assault again. audience reacts trump really is repeating his 2016 strategy. laughter in an article in new York Magazine on friday, columnist e. Jean carroll accuses trump of sexually assaulting her in a Bergdorf Goodman dressing room 23 years ago. These accusations are specific, credible, and terrible and make carroll the 22nd woman to step forward. 22 women that should raise alarms. Let me put it this way if one person in your life accused you of pooping in their kitchen sink, i could be persuaded to believe its a lie. But if over the course of your 73 years of life, 22 separate people came forward with detailed accounts of times you had pooped in their kitchen sinks, im starting to think youre a sink pooper. laughter applause theres no difference here. piano riff cheers and applause trump denied the charge and said the press needed to step lightly in saturdays chopper talk people have to be careful because theyre playing with very dangerous territory. When you look at what happened to Justice Kavanaugh and you look at whats happening to others, you cant do that for the sake of publicity. Stephen to which Brett Kavanaugh replied, stop helping as trump no brett, you and i are exactly the same. Besides, i couldnt have been in that Bergdorf Goodman dressing room. I was at beach week, boofing with p. J. And squi. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. Tom holland is here. There you go. But when we return, puppies stick around cheers and applause band playing [sprinklers] [label tearing] [bottle opens] yay [aahhh] [label tearing] [bottle opens] [aahhh] [label tearing] [bottle opens] [aahhh] stop dancing around the pain that keeps you up again, and again. Advil pm silences pain, and you sleep the whole night. Advil pm who used expedia to book the Vacation Rental which led to the discovery that sometimes a little down time can lift you right up. Expedia. Everything you need to go. Expedia. Of certain cancers clater in life. K from an infection, Human Papillomavirus i knew widespread hpv is and while hpv clears for most, that might not be the case for him. I knew his risk increases as he gets older. I knew a vaccine could help protect him at age 11 or 12, before he could be exposed. I knew so i talked to my childs doctor. Now that you know that hpv can lead to certain cancers, dont wait. Talk to your childs doctor today. Others can deliver food to your door. But can they bring fist bumps . doorbell rings and high fives . Can they cause mini stampedes . Bring you instant hero status . Or turn back time with the turn of a knob . Others can bring you food. We bring you a little more. Delivering happy. Mcdonalds on uber eats. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back give it up for the band, jon batiste and stay human, right over there cheers and applause jon hey whoo jon, you know, theres a very, very, very, very, very big week for us here. Jon oh, yeah. Stephen because we are going live wednesday and thursday following the democratic candidate debates. Are you willing to stay up with me late two nights this week . Jon oh, yeah lets do it stephen its going to be great. Jon going to be great. Stephen i dont care how many sponsors im going to lose for saying this, but i like puppies. cheers and applause im sorry, i. Do take me away. Thats why i love doing my segment rescue dog rescue, where a celebrity joins me to tell flattering lies about puppies in order to convince viewers to adopt them. Weve done this segment a few times now, and im proud to say we have a perfect 100 adoption rate. cheers and applause okay . 100 . Take that, john oliver you might have a fine program, but how many dogs have you left homeless . laughter and while its usually pretty easy to get people excited about puppies, theres Something Else everyone is even more excited about right now superhero movies. Avengers endgame is shattering Box Office Records and next week is the release of spiderman far from home. cheers and applause very excited about it, too. In this one, spiderman goes on a school trip to europe and returns with a fake british accent. laughter so, i thought, why not combine puppies and super heroes for a very special edition of rescue dog rescue cheers and applause welcome to rescue dog rescue super hero edition. You know our motto, with great pawer comes great dane sponsibility. laughter now if only there was a celebrity willing to use their powers to get these dogs adopted. cheers and applause stephen what . Good to see you cheers and applause tom holland cheers and applause good to have you thank you, guys. Say no more, stephen, i will rescue these dogs. Stephen spiderman himself, tom holland thats right, stephen. Always remember, celebrities are the real super hereos. cheers and applause stephen thats true tom. And that is the fake accent i was talking about. Thank you. All right, sorry, sorry. Excuse me. Stephen before we get started tonight, folks, a quick reminder all the puppies we have here tonight are actual adoptable dogs from north Shore Animal League america. Theyre all fantastic. cheers and applause but to make them even more appealing, we are about to tell flattering lies about them. Im ready. Stephen ill go first. audience reacts this is spiderpup. laughter there you go. Like spiderman, spiderpup has a spidey sense, but instead of danger, he senses thunder, and instead of sensing it before the thunder happens, he senses it right after, and instead of responding bravely to the thunder, he gets super scared and needs to be cuddled. audience reacts jon well done, well done come here, matey here we go audience reacts laughter this is my friend j. Boneah jamison, a veteran journalist and a real oldfashioned newshound. He can sniff out any story, as long as that story is located in another dogs butt. laughter applause stephen oh, this little fellow here, this is black widdle. Shes not just adorable, shes the worlds deadliest assassin laughter just kidding. laughter hey, buddy hello, hello audience reacts i know, i know, its killing me. This is peter barker. He may look like an ordinary dachshund, but he actually gained super powers after being biten by a geneticallymodified schnauzer. Thats right, hes a dog that has gained the abilities of a different kind of dog. Thats why his super hero name is dogdog. laughter cheers and applause here you go, buddy oh, no stephen this Little Soldier is captain americuddles. audience reacts cap here was part of a supersecret mission in the 40s to pee on hitlers leg. cheers and applause come here, mate wow. laughter i think you can guess who this is. This is nick furry. He may be grizzled, but underneath it all, he has a caring soul. Plus, right when you think your walk with nick is over, he surprises you with a fun postwalk scene where he tells you hes putting together a special team. That special teams mission . Go on another walk. Thank you, mate. Stephen that does it for rescue dog rescue super hero edition. Head to the late shows website colbertlateshow. Com for info on how to adopt these dogs from north Shore Animal League america. Well be right back with tom holland creamy avocado. And a dressing fit for a goddess. 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Do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. Common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. If youre hivpositive, keep loving who you are, inside and out. Ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. Can a beer be brewed for great taste, ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. Only 96 calories with zero grams of sugar . No sweat. Miller lite. Hold true. Ive been waiting my whole life for this. cheers and applause band playing stephen all right welcome back, everybody cheers and applause audience chanting Stephen Stephen hey, thanks, everybody i like that nothing like a midshow chant cheers and applause keep me going. Ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest as your friendly neighborhood spiderman. cheers and applause they are attacking the same coordinates. Our satellite confirm it. We have one mission. Kill it. You are coming with us. This all seems like big time, you know, huge superhero kind of stuff, and, i mean, im just a friendly neighborhood spiderman, sir. Please you have been to space i know, but that was an accident. Come on, theres got to be someone else you can use. Thor . Off world. Dr. Strange. Unavailable. Captain marvel . Dont invoke her tonight. Stephen please welcome, tom holland cheers and applause band playing cheers and applause thank you thank you so much thank you stephen whoo hi thats awesome. Stephen it is awesome, isnt it . Lovely crowd, lovely night, puppies, and my favorite thing to do on the show of everything is the puppies. Thank you for helping with rescue dog rescue. Ill always help with rescue dog rescue, anytime. Stephen you have your own dog. I do. I have a terrier thats like a small fat pit bull. Stephen are they meant to be fat or are you overfed your bit pull . Shes stocky, but shes lovely and sweet and kind and i miss her. Stephen because youre on the road a ton, but i understand you actually got to shoots some of this latest movie in london. Yes. Stephen must be nice. What, were you living at home . I wasnt living at home. I rented a house near the studio with my friends, which i think was the best summer of my life because football was coming home, it was the world cup. Then it didnt come home and we were all devastated. laughter but it was interesting. The first film was called spiderman home coming shot thousands of miles from home. And this is called spiderman far from home, and i shot it 20 minutes from my parents house. Which meant they could nip to set, which wasnt so nice. Like nip and a bop kind of thing. Stephen nip and a bop . Nip and a bop, im just going to pop in the shop. laughter im going to stop. Stephen no, i just didnt know nip and a bop. I think its actually pop. Everyone in england is going hes an idiot. But no one gives me notes like my mom. Stephen on set she gives you notes . Oh, yeah. Really . You going to do it like that . laughter stephen shes going with you to auditions when you were younger, was she along for the ride . I yo everything to my lovely mom. She did everything for me growing up when i was going for auditions. She said, youre going to have to stretch if you want to be in bill elliott, and i didnt stretch but i was lucky enough to get the job. Stephen physically stretch . Like touch your toes. Stephen i thought she meant as an a