But the schools right down the street. If we run out the door right now, we can catch it case open . Closed. Okay, well wow. Since were not doing any police work, i just wanted to mention its teds Retirement Party tonight, and somebody ate all the buffalo wings out of the fridge. Case closed. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, checks and unbalanced. Plus, stephen welcomes Bryan Cranston. Rupaul charles. And musical guest bonnie raitt. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hello i love it. I love it. Thanks, everybody. Please, have a seat, up here, down there. Thank you, one and all. What a lovely, lovely greeting. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. You know, folks, i love new york, because it is not washington, d. C. Its bad down there. Its bad, its like the battle of winterfell down there. This morning, donald trump asserted executive privilege over the Mueller Report. Executive privilege, of course, is actually trumps favorite privilege, right after white, male, and maralago handicapped bathroom. as trump i like some room to spread out in there, because god only knows whats about to happen. This cannon is loaded, and the barrel is not rifled. Trumps privilege claim covers not only the Mueller Report but the underlying evidence that House Democrats are seeking. as trump this report is a complete and total exoneration, and if anyone wants to read it, i will cut a bitch laughter no surprise im paraphrasing, obviously, paraphrasing. No surprise, democrats are not pleased, especially house judiciary chairman and man whose pudding was supposed to be here by now, jerry nadler. He wants to make himself a king, and congress cannot permit that. He wants to be a monarch. We rebelled against george iii for that. We are not going to take it now. Stephen technically, we rebelled against george iii because we didnt want to pay taxes, which makes donald trump the most patriotic american who aus ever liv as far as we know. cheers and applause as far as we know. Trump made the executive privilege claim to protect attorney general and man saying, mr. Bunny doesnt think theres obstruction, either, william barr. You see, barr has refused to obey a congressional subpoena for the Mueller Report and the underlying evidence, so today, the Judiciary Committee voted to hold barr in contempt of congress. Its just cheers and applause yes. Big news. Pretty big. Jon yeah stephen big turning point. Though, really, its just a formality, because as soon as you start working for trump, youre held in ctempt by just about everybody. But, i tell you what, tell the Prison Guards not to cavity search barr yet, because the Justice Department can decline to charge an official who defies a subpoena at the president s direction. Yes, the Justice Department can decline the same Justice Department that is run by bill barr. clears throat after careful consideration, im issuing a fourpage memorandum asserting that you can kiss my big billy barr butt. laughter now, trump wants congress to move on from the russia story, but that aint happening, because today, the Senate Intelligence committee subpoenaed donald trump jr. Over russia matters. cheers and applause uhhuh. And i think over russia matters, and i think what matters is that russia is not over. This is a really big deal, because unlike over in the house, the senate is run by republicans, which means this battle comes down to a Republican Committee chair pitted against the republican president s eldest son. Donald trump might have to choose between the Republican Party and his own family two things he was not a member of until 2016. laughter applause this is as trump i dont think so. I dont i dont really i dont want to get mixed up. This is a big deal for a lot of reasons, one of which is that this is the first congressional subpoena that we know about of one of president trumps children. Also, the first of president trumps children, that we know about. laughter applause well, well well have we will have more we will have more on this tomorrow, unless don jr. Takes a powder. Now, theres more juicy news, because the New York Times got trumps taxes from what is it . 85. Taxes from 1985 to 94. Its not exactly what you wanted. Its spending christmas stranded at the Tampa Airport not great but still christmas. Now the times dove into ten years worth of trumps tax return information, and the biggest takeaway is that, over those ten years, trump reported 1. 17 billion in losses. Thats 2 billion in todays money. That is more than the g. D. P. Of gambia or, as trump might put it as trump im a bleep hole country now cheers and applause he might he might say that. Didnt say he would. Keep in mind, 85 to 94 was trumps prime. Those were his salad days, minus the salad. Trump was everywhere back then, pushing his carefully crafted billionaire image. Just look at the articles lead photo. We finally found the central park dracula. as trump dracula i vant to suck. And i do. Everything we thought we knew cheers and applause thank you. Thank you. Its one of the characters, one of my characters. Everything we thought we knew about trump back then is a lie. Remember his cameo as the fancy rich guy in home alone 2 . Now we know when he recorded that, he was so broke, he had to borrow money from the pigeon lady. laughter trump fired back at the times this morning, tweeting, as trump Real Estate Developers in the 1980s and 1990s, more than 30 years ago, were entitled to massive write offs and depreciation which would, if one was actively building, show losses and tax losses in almost all cases. Much was nonmonetary. Sometimes considered tax shelter, dotdotdotdotdot dotdotdotdotdotdot, you would get it by building, or even buying. You always wanted to show losses for tax purposes. Almost all Real Estate Developers did and often renegotiate with banks. It was sport. Additionally, the very old information put out is a highly inaccurate fake news hit job so, his argument is, what he did was totally normal, and also, he didnt do it. laughter pick a lane, mr. President. as criminal look, officer, i could not have committed the murder. I was in my apartment all night. Plus, back then, everyone was murdering. It was sport. Trumps tax documents, they paint a picture of a man always living above his means. For instance, in 1987, the president spent 29 million on a 282foot yacht. Which he ultimately agreed to turn over to his lenders. as trump oh, really . Youre going to take away my boat . With what, a bigger boat . Really . Oh, id like to see that. That would be of course, its hard to put a positive spin on these revelations. Unless youre a fox friend. So, i think its interesting to read this article. Its interesting to see that he had a 29 million boat, or that he had this thats a big boat. Stephen thats the spin. Thats the spin big boat. as fox friend folks, this is a complicated story, so lets take out all the verbs. Big boat. Fire bad trump good cheers and applause big boat. Then they served the next course of the breakfast propaganda. If anything, you read this, and youre like wow its pretty impressive, all the things he has done in his life its beyond what most of us could ever achieve. Thats the way he lived. The reason why we all knew Donald Trumps name is for 30 years, thats what he did. He bought towers, hotels, golf courses. He did it in other countries. What do people not understand about, hes a little bit different than most people . Stephen yes, weve noticed hes a little different. If he were most people, hed either be in jail right now, or napping on the couch while his children quietly discuss the next steps. laughter applause of course of course, todays biggest story is also the littlest its the first appearance of the royal baby baby applause today, the duke and duchess followed the protocol by showing the baby to the world. Its a very important tradition. Have the mother washed and dressed. Present the child to the people. The people must see the boy child draw breath. Are the people gladdened in their hearts . Is the realm secure . Need they breed again . laughter up until today cheers and applause thats shakespeare, shakespeare. Its strange, right . Its kind of strange. I imagine thats what family talk is like in the royal family. But up until today, we didnt know much about the young heir. All we knew is that he was born monday, weighing just over seven pounds or, in american, about 9. laughter but, today, we finally got the name Archie Harrison mountbattenwindsor. Not archibald, archie. Obviously, theyre a huge fan of that sexy teen drama, windsordale. We also got to see Little Archie meet his greatgrandma. The royal couple officially introduced the baby to the queen. Present the child to her majesty. laughter the queen will smell the child. If she receives his essence, the child may thrive. You need not breed again. Now give the baby the formula. laughter the whole world was there to catch this historic moment, including cbs. Because theres so much International Interest in the baby, cbs was said to have had a cameraperson present, prompting some tuttutting in british circles. Usually, only a small nuer o british outlets are permitted at such events. And, as a Loyal Company man, i just want to say, if that is the worst scandal cbs has this year, fantastic weve got a great show for you tonight. Bryan cranston is here. But when we return, meanwhile petsmarts celebrating the fourth, with great deals like. Buy 1 get 1 50 off dog and cat food, and holiday dog toys, apparel, beds and more plus, treats members get 50 more points on all purchases now thats a celebration. Petsmart new dove men care sportcare. For the pregame. For the ballgame. For the postgame. New dove men care sportcare. Designed for every position you play. Or these. Good thing theyre sold literally everywhere business is done. Im pretty sure you could buy them at a bank. Not sorry. Reeses. To take care of any messy situations. And put irritation in its place. And if i can get comfortable keeping this tookus safe and protected. You can get comfortable doing the same with yours. Preparationh. Get comfortable with it. Everyone in your familye doingmis only 10 bucks even your kids friend whos always around at 10 bucks a head, trevor can stay 3 for 10 bucks, baby, bucks, baby, bucks mmmhmm. Together we chilis, oh yeah baby yeah that leave therea lasting impression. Like the feeling of movement as a new journey begins, or the sight of soft fur, warmed by the morning sun. You might remember new flavours, or a view that defies all expectations. These are the memories that stay with you, long after the moments have passed. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey everybody welcome back. Give it up for jon batiste and stay human, everybody. Oh, my goodness. Jon, jon, jon. Jon, do we have an exciting show for these people tonight. Jon oh, snap, yes indeed. Stephen our good friend Bryan Cranston will be out here. The one, the only, sir. Jon come on now. Stephen sir Bryan Cranston. Jon oh, yeah, i like that. Stephen you know what im excited about also . Tomorrow night, were going to have the entire cast of veep, right here on the show. Julia louisdreyfus, tony hale, over there. And somebody will have to hose me down, i love that show so much. Im going to be a mess, a crying, slobbering, snotty mess. You have seen that show . Jon ive seen it, but i couldnt tell you much about it. Stephen you know what . Then ill do the interview. Jon thats a good idea. Stephen you sit this one out, and ill do the interview this time. Well switch off, tag team. Jon okay. Stephen okay. You know, i spend so much time in the monologue over there, carving up all the choicest cuts of news beef, sometimes i like to collect all the cattle sinews, dry them out in the sun, and use it to string the tennis racket of news that is my segment cheers and applause never fails everyone loves meanwhile. Meanwhile, uber drivers across the country went on strike this morning. Theyre demanding better pay, better working conditions, and passengers who are willing to say, oh, you play bass in a band . Tell me more laughter meanwhile, this week in norway, a whale watcher dropped their cell phone into the ocean. Then a beluga whale retrieved the cell phone for them thats amazing. Thats amazing. Now, all we need to keep our cell phones safe is a beluga whale in every toilet. laughter some believe some believe that this, this beluga whale right here some believe this whale is the same beluga found in norway last week with camera straps on it, which identified the whale as being trained by the russian government as a russian spy whale, which i reported on in my meanwhile subsegment meanwhale. laughter but clearly, its defected to our side now, which brings me to my updated meanwhile subsegment meanwhile mean whale wellmeaning whale. cheers and applause that was not easy. That was not easy to say. I really didnt think i would get through that. This isnt the only one. We also have this actual footage of a dolphin returning a womans iphone. So, either these were both Beautiful Moments of inter species cooperation, or theyre just telling us to please, stop throwing your crap into our home meanwhile cheers and applause beautiful. Meanwhile, in anticipation of overpopulation and food shortages, a scientist is suggesting maggot sausage as a meat alternative, because, he says, the biggest potential for sustainable protein production lies with insects and new plant sources. Way to breeze over the plant sources and go straight to the maggot sausage as scientist heres your dinner blowfly larva paste pushed into a tube. Whats that . I suppose you could have a salad, yes. What dressing would you like . We have a Balsamic Vinaigrette or maggot. laughter meanwhile, a wild raccoon has moved into a german zoo, and the zookeepers cant expel it. Oh, well all been there. First, your raccoon roommate asks if her boyfriend can stay for the weekend, then its a week, then suddenly, hes shirtless in the kitchen eating your garbage. laughter my name was right on it, scratchers. Zookeepers say the raccoon can expect free board and lodgings for life, because European Union rules forbid him from being released back into the wild. But hell have to be castrated. Audience oh stephen and i have a feeling theyre going to leave that part out of the disney movie. laughter meanwhile, this stray cat just went viral for crashing a Christian Dior fashion show in marrakech. Once again, setting an unrealistic body standard for the models. Now they have to be twice as leggy and weigh eight to ten pounds. But the highlight was when the cat walked over to a spectator to mark them as fashionista anna says expressing your anal glands is the look for spring well be right back with Bryan Cranston. Can you feel your heart race, while totally relaxed . Can you feel the pull of gravity, as you easily climb upward . Can you feel like you dont have a care in the world, while your entire world is taken care of . You can, when youre free. P grh on select models. Visit jeep. Com struggling to clean tough messes with wipes . Try new mr. Clean magic eraser sheets. Just wet, squeeze and erase icky messes in microwaves and on stovetops for an amazing clean, get the power of mr. Clean magic eraser in new disposable sheets. Steady the elbow. Shoot me one . Ahh boom shaka laka. Feisty. Ahh hey, who are you . Oh, hey jeff, im a car thief. What . im here to steal your car because, well, thats my job. What . What . . What . laughing what . . What . what . [crash] what . haha, it happens. And if youve got cutrate car insurance, paying for this could feel like getting robbed twice. So get allstate. And be better protected from mayhem. Like me. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody ladies and gentlemen, my first guest is an emmy and Tony Award Winning actor who currently stars in the broadway show, network. Please welcome back to the late show sir Bryan Cranston applause hello, hello, hello as always, you have a great, great audience. Stephen they do. Theyre a wonderful audience, physically attractive, too. cheers and applause lovely, lovely to have you. Lovely to have you here, sir bryan. Good to be here, stephen. Sir bryan. Stephen dont you wish america had sirs or Something Like that . It would be nice, wouldnt it . Stephen you could be an actor, a good career, and they bump you up in your status a little bit. Thats right. Its like, there are some actors who do want to be called by their regal name now. Stephen right, sure. Sir ben kingsley, for instance. Stephen oh, yeah, sure. Oh, yeah, yeah. He enjoys that full title. Stephen i would enjoy it, too. I love high status. It would get you great reservations. Hi, could i get a reservation . Its ben im sorry, its sir ben. Oh, you dont have anything . Well, do you have anything for sir Stephen Colbert . Yes . Oh, i thought you would. Stephen now, thank you for being here. I know youre a busy man. Well, who isnt busy . Stephen you have already done a show today, havent you . I did one matinee today already, yes. Stephen and youre here between shows. Between shows. Stephen youre a professional, is what you are. applause and its not its not only that. You also youre also you also created a show called sneaky pete. Sneaky pete. Stephen which is coming into its third season on friday. On friday. Were very excited about that. Stephen where can you see sneaky pete . You can see it on the amazon, the shopping network. Stephen where do you find the time . Youre doing a broadway show, which is a fulltime job. It is. Its it really knocks you out. Ste