These good boys deserve a treaty. Coming this summit. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight he said, xi said. Plus stephen welcomes bill hader. And musical guest james bay. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen whooo. Hello thanks, everybody, thank you so much. Welcome, welcome one and all. Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Remember during the campaign in 2016, when the president said that were going to win so much we get tired of winning . laughter wall street got there first. Because today, the dow plunged 617 points. audience reacts to put that loss into perspective, we have a report from the late shows financial correspondent laughter stephen the stock market he will be missed. The stock market, it was reacting evidently to the breakdown of negotiations between the United States andinn tradearuh what is it good for i am really asking say it again yall cheers and applause stephen thank you, jon. cheers and applause heres what happened. After over a year of tense negotiations, last week, our delegates in beijing were banging out the details of a final trade agreement. But, the u. S. Balked when china said they were no longer willing to commit to changing laws covering intellectual property, forced technology transfer, subsidies and other issues. They also objected to publication of all the details of the agreement, preferring a summary. Oh laughter really . The white house is upset because china wants to release a summary . laughter as trump no way. No way, xi. I know how summaries work. Its gonna be four pages long and a bucket o lies. So talks broke down on friday, and trump imposed his tariffs. And hes warning china to cave soon. as trump the deal will become far worse for them if it has to be negotiated in my second term. Would be wise for them to act now, but love collecting big tariffs as trump rapping i like big tariffs and i cannot lie you other leaders cant deny when xi walks in with the itty bitty trade and the soy beans in your face you get sprung sprung laughter cheers and applause the president thinks he can outlast the chinese, because he sees tariffs as free money. Our country can take in 120 billion a year in tariffs, paid for mostly by china, by the way. Not by us. A lot of people try to steer it in a different direction. Its really paid ultimately, its paid for by largely by china. Stephen notice how that claim gets weaker the longer that sentence goes on . laughter as trump its paid mostly by china. Largely. Somewhat. Kinda sorta. I mean, thats what i heard. They dont pay anything. Were screwed. laughter but and spoiler trump is lying. laughter as Chris Wallace pointed out yesterday to white house Economic Advisor and last living california raisin, larry laughter cheers and applause ooh, i bet you wonder how i knew larry kudlow. Its not china that pays tariffs. Its the american importers, the American Companies that pay what in effect is a tax increase and oftentimes passes it on to u. S. Consumers. Fair enough. In fact, both sides will pay. Both sides will pay in these things. Its u. S. Businesses and u. S. Consumers who pay, correct . Yes, to some extent. I dont disagree with that. Again, both sides, both sides will suffer on this. Stephen yeah, technically one side pays the price, but both sides suffer. It is a bold marketing strategy. It reminds of the ad campaign taco bell everyone will suffer. laughter cheers and applause ooh, i bet you wonder how i knew about your plans to make me blue Stephen Wallace continued to drag kudlow kicking and screaming into reality. How long is President Trump prepared to wage this trade war with china, which clearly has cost to the American Economy and consumers and businesses . Well, i dont know. I mean, can i substitute trade negotiation for trade war . Stephen no, you cant. Nice try, though. I know why you want to change it, because it makes it seem less dangerous. Theres a reason why no one went to see avengers infinity negotiation. laughter now, ultimately, kudlow did admit that americans will pay for the tariffs, but this morning, trump disagreed, tweeting, their is no reason for the u. S. Consumer to pay the tariffs, which take effect on china today. And there is no reason to use that their in that there sentence. And, again, its not cheers and applause and, again, its not true. We pay. Maybe thats a good thing. Maybe it is a bad thing, i dont know. I understand economics as well as donald trump does. I bet if i tried i could lose 10 billion. In retaliation, china is raising tariffs on 60 billion of u. S. Goods, mostly Agricultural Products starting june 1. But dont worry, farmers, trump has a plan. as trump we will be taking in tens of billions of dollars in tariffs from china. Buyers of product can make it themselves in the u. S. A. Ideal or buy it from non tariffed countries dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, we will then spend match or better the money that china may no longer be spending with our great patriot Farmers Agriculture which is a small percentage of total tariffs received, and distribute the food to starving people in nations around the world great maga laughter so give the money cheers and applause to the farmers, give the food to starving people. The only way trump can give anything to poor people is out of spite. as trump do you see what you made me do, china . You made me give food to starving people. Come back to the negotiating table right now before i giveci. Ill do okay. Im talking universal health care, dont push me. These tariffs could raise the price of a huge range of products, including dog collars, apparel made from reptile leather, mattress supports, and Christmas Tree lights. I mean, thats really going to hurt the holidaythemed sex dungeon industry. laughter cheers and applause and thanks to trump, we were finally moaning Merry Christmas again. laughter weve got weve got an update on the democratic primaries for you folks. And ill tell you all about it in tonights doin it donkey style. Universal basic income stephen now, its big news out there for president ial candidate, and High School Senior calling shotgun for the drive to beach week, mayor pete buttigieg. He was recently mayor pete is here tonight. And mayor pete was recently honored with an original trump nickname. Over the weekend trump compared him to alfred e. Neuman, the mascot for mad magazine. Now, if are you too young to know the reference, magazines were these thick stacks of paper with pictures and words on them. A lot of fun. Lets give trumps nickname a test drive this is alfred e. Neuman. And this is pete buttigieg. I see the similarity in that they are both more qualified to be president than donald trump. cheers and applause and cheers and applause didnt realize, they all came for that joke. When confronted with the trump slam, buttigieg was ready with a sick burn of his own donald trump today compared you to the mad magazine mascot. He said, alfred e. Neuman can never be president. Whats your response . So, ill be honest, i had to google that. And i guess its a generational thing. I didnt get the reference. laughter cheers and applause stephen damn, booty laughter as pete oh, i look like a cartoon character . Well, youre a million years old. By the way, i got the reference, pete. I guess its a generational thing. laughter sad piano music but buttigieg didnt leave it there. I was thinking of the chinese proverb that goes, when the wind changes, some people build walls and some people build windmills. Stephen its a nice thought, but thanks to trumps tariffs, saying that chinese proverb now costs 80. While trumps friendship with xi jinping might be on the rocks, its also been a rough time for his good buddy, russian resident and man who puts the death in suddendeath overtime, vladimir putin. laughter on friday, putin took part in an annual exhibition hockey game in sochi, and he reportedly scored eight goals. Yeah. No surprise, he has an incredible slapshot, where, if you dont let him score, you are slapped and then shot. laughter cheers and applause lets go to the highlights. Putin collects the puck, and the defender suddenly remembers he has a family the goalie switches teams in a stunning upset he scores cheers and applause but after applause after he dominated the game, during his victory skate, putin faced his greatest opponent yet a piece of rug and im being told that rug was murdered and rolled up in a bigger rug. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause bill hader is here. But when we return, meanwhile stick around. cheers and applause Wireless Network claims are so confusing. Americas most reliable network. The nations largest and most reliable network. The best network is even better . Best, fastest, best. Enough. Sprints doing things differently. Theyre offering a new 100 total satisfaction guarantee. I mean i think Sprints Network and savings are great, but dont just take my word for it. Try it out and decide for yourself. 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Get smooth with the freshground nut butters who used expedia to book the Vacation Rental that led to the ride which took them to the place where they discovered that sometimes a little down time can lift you right up. Flights, hotels, cars, activities, Vacation Rentals. Expedia. Everything you need to go. Expedia. This is how driving should feel. The techadvanced nissan leaf. The best selling electric vehicle of all time. This is nissan intelligent mobility. cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody. cheers and applause happy, happy, happy. Lets take it higher. Stephen glad to be back. Thanks, everybody. It is frosty. It is so frosty, i cant believe it is mid may at this point. It is may 13, 2019. I know. Stephen mothers day yesterday. Jon yes. Stephen did you have a chance to say hi to your mother . Jon yes, i did, we had a nice long call and i sent her some flowers. It was beautiful. What did you do for mothers day . Stephen i was down, my wife and i and our daughter, actually, were down in nashville, i was at the ryman auditorium, the grand old opry to interview michelle obama. It was her last stop on the book tour. It was fantastic. You know, folks, i spend so much time grilling up the perfectly marbled wagyu beef medallions that are the news and my monologue over there, that sometimes i have to hack off the gristle and mix it up with generous helpings of corn and beef pulp to make the news can of dog food that is my segment, meanwhile cheers and applause never fails. They always, always are excited, always, it is amazing. Meanwhile, meanwhile mania. Jon people love it. Stephen meanwhile, great news for constance wu and her hit show fresh off the boat. It was announced on friday that its being renewed for a sixth season. So an overjoyed wu went straight on twitter to gush, so upset right now that im literally crying. Ugh. bleep . And bleep hell. And under the networks announcement on instagram, she wrote dislike. laughter well thatll be a fun first day back on set. Hey, everyone so excited to be back were a family. Now, which Family Member pooped in my dressing room . No one knew why this upset her, and after a backlash accusing wu of ingratitude, she tweeted, yall are making a lot of assumptions about what i was saying. And no, its not what its about. Stop assuming. Yeah, yall stop assuming this was about the renewal just because a fan tweeted at her congrats on your renewal great news and she tweeted back no, its not. laughter okay . Stop taking her words in context. laughter then, wu cleared everything up, tweeting this long clarification that she was angry because the renewal meant she had to give up another project that i was really passionate about, and that other project would have challenged me as an artist, adding even my closest friends are baffled at how i could value artistic challenge difficulties over success happiness. But i do. I know its weird. In fact, even as i tweet this, my closest friends are giving me this really baffled look, and waving their arms and doing this, because im such an artist. But weirdest of all was that she wrapped it all up with its meaningful when you make the choice to believe women. Okay. I wasnt talking about my show except that i was, because of art, hashtag me too, in conclusion black lives matter, gay rights are human rights, release the full report, what about barb . laughter cheers and applause meanwhile. Meanwhile, a florida man got a d. U. I. After crashing a lawnmower into a police car. laughter yet another headline that did not need to specify what state it happened in. Laughter Police say police say the suspects drivers license has been suspended since 1978, his bloodalcohol content registered. 241, more than threa that he also had cocainehi system. laughter wow. When im bored doing yard work, i usually just listen to a podcast. laughter meanwhile, a growing number of studies indicate that the Conference Room air may be making you dumber. Specifically the air coming from rick. laughter no one likes your idea, rick stop pushing it. Since 2012, eight studies have considered the effects of co2 accumulating from people breathing in a meeting, including one study that features a section explaining the purpose of ventilation. laughter you know the old saying, the person conducting the Laboratory Study on the purpose of ventilation, dealt it. laughter meanwhile, Justin Bieber and ed sheeran announced theyve collaborated on a new single called i dont care. I assume its about my response mr. Sheeran. cheers and applause mr. Sheeran, please join us again. Big fan. Meanwhile, in historical drug news, researchers have found ancient hallucinogens in a thousandyearold shamanic pouch. Sure they did. I swear its not mine, officer Im Just Holding that pouch for my friend whos an ancient shaman laughter the pouch was found in bolivia, and contains the earliest known evidence of ayahuasca preparation, including drugs like psilocyin, a chemical component of psychedelic mushrooms, and cocaine. Which explains why the cave it was found in was covered in rambling pitch ideas for a new app. laughter okay, its like uber bu ho a r thatelivers is anyone writing this down . laughter cheers and applause lets go running, lets go running, you want to run . Lets go running right now. I love you. Meanwhile, a woman was arrested after she repeatedly tried to enter c. I. A. Headquarters and asked to speak with agent penis. laughter oh, lady, that guy at the bar was not a spy. laughter well be right back with bill hader. cheers and applause [radio Weather Report playing] [airpod case clicking open] hey siri, play me something new. Music playing it was just past one when two three men from four five step to me door like oh my gosh just throw that cash in a black bag run around the back and pull up the track, cause yaow i just learnt some jazz today, its true you gon learn you gon learn you gon learn, hey hey, who are you . Oh, hey jeff, im a car thief. What . im here to steal your car because, well, thats my job. What . What . . What . laughing what . . What . what . [crash] what . haha, it happens. And if youve got cutrate car insurance, paying for this could feel like getting robbed twice. So get allstate. And be better protected from mayhem. Like me. a blend of quality probiotics new align whole food probiotic, and fermented whole food botanicals. Expertly curated to naturally support your gut health everyday. Go with align whole food blend. From the pros in digestive health. Summer like no other with same day delivery, drive up, and order pick up. Target run and done. Ance automotive technology, availae on the nissan rogue, youll be equipped to help protect the moments that matter most. This is tech that gives you confidence. This is nissan intelligent mobility. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey were doing another one, folks. Folks, my first guest tonight is an emmyawardwinning actor and saturday night live alum who created and stars in hbos barry. An audition, you . Yeah. Have an audition . Yeah. What, are they reading extras now . No, its so weird, sally said the same thing. Whats the part . It is a guy named j. T. In a movie called swim instructors. How many of these did you print . Its just one. Its four scenes. Holy moley, j. T. Is on every page. Its a lot of lines, barry. Yeah, i think hes one of the leads. No you say, oh, were just a bunch ofm inors. Ths the title. t tphen easeelcomeill hader. cheers and applause what a nice audience, oh my god. Stephen they are a nice audience. We decided to get you a nice one. Thank you, thank you. Stephen because i never had you on before. No, this is may first time on the show. Stephen of course i wanted you to have a nice audience. Thanks, buddy. Stephen you say it before, you said it again. Thanks buddy. I like the buddy. Yeah, im from tulsa, oklahoma, everyone is like no way yeah, you got out. Stephen we broht in a lot of people from oklahoma for you. You guys got out. Stephen barry gets great reviews. It is 99 on rotten tomatoes. But i tell you, you want another good review . What . Stephen i think it i its absolutely oh, wow. cheers and applause stephen i got dragged in to the barry world by my 17 year old son where he said you should really see this show. And ive only seen season two, i havent seen season one. Then d