Conflicts coughing youre talking yourself into prison he said theres no collusion. He didnt say theres no collusion. He said no collusion coughing shut your mouth, you crazy bastard coughing announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, trumps poll dance. Plus, stephen welcomes dax shepard. Preet bharara. With special appearance by jon stewart. And musical guest lukas nelson and promise of the real. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen whoo happy monday thanks, everybody up there, down here, out there, all around the world, welcome to the late show thanks so much, everybody. cheers and applause welcome, one and all, ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause election day 2020 is just around the corner. Only 504 days, 25 minutes and 30 seconds. Not that im counting. 27, 26, 25. laughter and tomorrow, a new candidate is throwing his hat in the ring donald trump, who is officially kicking off his Reelection Campaign with a rally in orlando. It makes sense hed do it in the home of disney, because his ideas are goofy, and his base is snow white. cheers and applause piano riff also, with his climate policies, were all going to end up under the sea laughter piano riff i want to go where the people are laughter turns out, trumps Approval Rating in orlando is only 29 . And most of that is from sea world, after he held that big meeting with the prince of whales. cheers and applause piano riff making whale sounds laughter and orlando is not alone, because according to the latest polls, joe biden is leading trump, 49 to 39 . Although you should take that with a grain of salt, because that poll was conducted by the lefty liberal loons over at fox news. laughter wow cheers and applause jon wow stephen wow fox news is telling trump the truth . What will they tell him next . The wall isnt being built . laughter golf has rules . laughter cake isnt dinner . laughter and its not just fox. Trump is also trailing biden according to internal polling numbers from his own campaign. as trump i cant believe it, betrayed by my own data. Ive always said, you cant trust any poll that doesnt have a dancer on it. That is laughter cheers and applause youve got to hold it down. They hold it cheers and applause piano riff laughter but trump solved the problem of low poll numbers by firing his pollsters. laughter thats like firing a canary in a coal mine for its bad attitude. laughter as coal miner wake up, you lousy damn bird, come on, come on, youre fired come on, pack your stuff and get out of here. Youve got to leave soon, because, man, im feeling sleepy. laughter the Trump Campaign acknowledged that the polls are actually real, but calls them incomplete and misleading, saying they represent a worstcase scenario for voter turnout. And its true. Voters turning out is their worstcase scenario. laughter applause and trump trump fired back on twitter this morning only fake polls show us behind the motley crew. Yes, those polls show trump behind the motley crew because hes not popular with girls, girls, girls cheers and applause thank you. Thank you. Jon that was nice. That was nice. singing stephen trump also talked about polling in an interview that aired last night with george stephanopoulos, starting with how trump is trailing biden. Hes still beating you, according to the polls. Well, i dont believe those polls. Theres no way he beats me in texas. But even your own polls show youre behind right now, dont they . No, my polls show im winning everywhere. laughter stephen as trump yes, george, my polls show im winning everywhere. I defeated the Golden State Warriors to become the n. B. A. Champs, i won americas got talent, and donald, will you accept this rose . Why, yes, i will. Thank you. laughter cheers and applause i cant believe. Oh, my god, oh, my god, thank you. Oh, oh, oh. laughter but george pushed back. I dont know, weve all seen these reports, that in 15 out of 17 states you spent 2 million on a poll, and youre behind in 15 out of 17 states. Nobody showed you those polls because those polls dont exist, george, because those polls dont exist. Stephen as trump those polls dont exist, george, and do you know why . Because this is the matrix, george. Were living in the matrix. All of us right now are just duracell batteries for our machine overlords, our bodies sustained in a nutrient bath with tubes out of every hole, george. Every hole. You can take the red pill or the blue pill, george. I took the red pill, and it was pure robitussin and i am tripping balls right now. cheers and applause tripping balls. But of course the interview wasnt just about polls. Trump and stephanopoulos also argued about the mueller report. They didnt examine collusion. He laid out evidence of obstruction. Oh, are you trying to say now that there was collusion, even though he said there was no collusion . He didnt say theres no collusion. He said no collusion. He said he didnt look at collusion. George, the report said no collusion. Did you read the report . Uh, yes i did, and you should read it, too. I read every word. All right, lets go. Lets go. You should read it, too, george. Stephen hes getting out of there. Hes hustling out of there as fast as he can because hes busted and he knows it. He didnt read the report. You ever read moby dick . Yeah i definitely read moby dick. Really . I wrote my doctoral thesis on melvilles use of nautical imagery nice. Well, ive got to jump out of this moving limo. Tuck and roll cheers and applause piano riff that was not on camera, right . I dont know if theres anybody else out there, but i always that if i had to do that out of a car, i could do that. Tuck and roll and spin out i just failed to do it on a not moving stage. laughter i think i need arthroscopic surgery during the commercial break. laughter welcome to my last show. laughter stephanopoulos pressed the president on why he didnt sit for an interview with mueller. But if you answer these questions to me now, why not answer them to Robert Mueller under oath . Because. laughter applause cheering stephen ive got to say, any pause that long is a red flag. Honey, how was work today . laughter . Good. Did you get fired . Because. laughter to his credit, stephanopoulos did not let him off easy, and trump was not a fan of that. Did you answer questions . Wait a minute, i did answer questions, i answered them in writing. Not on obstruction. I answered a lot of questions. They gave me questions, i answered them in writing. Not on obstruction. Look, george, youre being a little wise guy. audience reacts stephen look, george, youre being a little wise guy. Youre being a tiny news leprechaun. Youre being an itty bitty greek hobbit. Look, i dont i dont answer questions from the lollipop guild. laughter but there were a few hiccups in the interview, by which i mean coughs. Theyre after my financial statement. The senate, theyd like to get my financial statement. At some point, i hope they get it you going to turn it over . No. At some point, i might, but at some point, i hope they get it because its a coughs fantastic financial statement. Its a fantastic financial statement. And lets do that over, hes coughing in the middle of my answer. Yeah, okay. I dont like that, you know, i dont like that. Your chief of staff. If youre going to cough, please leave the room. Im just going to get a shot. Ill come over here. You just cant, you just cant cough. Just to change the shot. Sorry, mr. Trump. audience reacts stephen can you imagine working for that guy . as trump george, the iranians are clearly in violation can we start over . That guy blinked, over there, okay . Stop the blinking. If your eyes are thirsty, they can have a diet coke like the rest of us. laughter boy, oh, boy. Impeachment talk is increasing among the democrats, and its dividing the party. Some members of the house want trump impeached immediately, but Speaker Nancy Pelosi is resisting these calls, saying, i dont want to see him impeached. I want to see him in prison. Well cheers and applause i got to say piano riff i want to see him in prison, too. And i do, every time i close my eyes. laughter heh, heh. Where does the jumpsuit end and his skin begin . laughter no way of knowing. Theres no way of knowing. cheers and applause piano riff trump has become obsessed with what he calls the i word, and this weekend, he quoted a surprising source, congresswoman alexandria ocasiocortez, seen here watching you let the water run while you brush your teeth. laughter yesterday jon thats a good one. laughter laughs stephen yesterday its true. Save water. Save water. applause yesterday, trump tweeted, representative alexandria ocasiocortez, i think we have a very real risk of losing the presidency to donald trump. i agree, and that is the only reason they play the impeach card, which cannot be legally used thats right. Hes right about that, jon. Thats why article one of the constitutions reads, the house of representatives shall have the sole power of impeachment psych this card cannot be legally used. laughter piano riff jon psych psych not applause stephen but, second of all, wow did a. O. C. Really say that . Answer kind of. Heres the full clip trump pulled his quote from. Do you believe the democrats will lose to donald trump if they dont nominate somebody who is, in your mind, a true progressive, along the lines you just described . Well, i think that we have a very real risk of losing the presidency to donald trump if we do not have a president ial candidate that is fighting for true transformational change in the lives of working people in the United States. Stephen so he just quoted the first half of what she said, and pretended that was the whole thing it reminds me of this old tweet. Charles dickens says, it was the best of times. i agree. Keep america great. applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Mr. Dax shepard is here. But when we return, Mitch Mcconnell is such a jerk. Stick around, were going to talk about it. cheers and applause band playing Wireless Network claims are so confusing. Americas most reliable network. The nations largest and most reliable network. 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Hey, who are you . Oh, hey jeff, im a car thief. What . im here to steal your car because, well, thats my job. What . What . . What . laughing what . . What . what . [crash] what . haha, it happens. And if youve got cutrate car insurance, paying for this could feel like getting robbed twice. So get allstate. And be better protected from mayhem. Like me. Z3fgoz zi0z y3fgoy yi0y cheers and applause band playing Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody give it up for the band right there cheers and applause jon, the lovely and talented dax shepard is here. Jon dax shepard in the house going to be a nice one tonight cheers and applause im loving the energy in here. Stephen you know, folks, last week, our friend jon stewart was in congress, calling on lawmakers to extend the 9 11 Victims Compensation fund, which covers healthcare for survivors and first responders. The fund expires next year, and it has been difficult to get Congress Attention on this issue. So, jon called them out for dragging their feet on reauthorizing the fund. Because the situation is urgent, yesterday, jon then met with the only constituents that republican lawmakers listen to, fox news. Its very likely that the house is going to pass the full bill that you want, extending the program through the lives of these people. Then you have to go to the senate and, in your testimony, you said that senate you said that a certain someone, by which it appeared that you meant Senate LeaderMitch Mcconnell, cannot be allowed to use this as a political football in negotiations on other spending bills, have you had problems with senator mcconnell . Yes. I mean, not me personally, but in terms of getting the 9 11 bills passed. Mitch mcconnell has been the white whale of this since 2010. Stephen yes, Mitch Mcconnell is the white whale. laughter in that he has been acting like a huge moby dick. laughter cheers and applause well, this morning, mcconnell went on fox and friends and told jon stewart that when it comes to providing healthcare for 9 11 first responders, he should just chillax. Whyhy has it always seemed tt the vote comes at the last minute . Well, many things in congress happen at the last minute. Weve never failed to address this issue, and we will address it again. I dont know why hes all bent out of shape. Stephen well, senator, i for one dont think he said what . What did he say . What did he say . cheers and applause stephen jon, now that i have you here what a delight may i ask you, are you bent out of shape . No no no no, Mitch Mcconnell, im not bent out of shape. Im in fine shape. Well, im out of shape. I am out of shape. But not because of im actually really more pizza crust than man, really, at this point. laughter but im not bent out of shape. Im fine. Im bent out of shape for them. These are the first heroes and veterans and victims of the great, trillionsofdollars war on terror. And theyre currently still suffering and dying and in terrible need. You would think that would be enough to get Congress Attention. But apparently, its not. I think he was shocked that when he was appearing before that committee, so few members showed up that day. Well, that frequently happens, because members have a lot of things going on at the same time, and it sounds to me like he is looking for some way to take offense. audience reacts i feel like an ass bleep . laughter im so so you know, stephen, now i feel stupid. This was a huge misunderstanding. I didnt know that they were busy. laughter oh, boy. Now i dont even know what to say. I didnt mean to interrupt them, with their jobs cheers and applause youre just pantomiming. Honestly, Mitch Mcconnell, you really want to go with the well get to it when we get to it argument for the heroes of 9 11 . Listen, senator, i know that your species isnt known for moving quickly. laughter stephen would that be would that be a turtle reference, jon . laughter well, actually yes, its a little red meat for the base, thats all. A little red meat for the base. But, damn, senator, youre not good at this argument thing. Basically, were saying, you love the 9 11 community when they serve your political purposes, but when they are in urgent need, you slowwalk, you dither, you use it as a political pawn to get other things you want, and you dont get the job done completely. And your answer to that charge is, yeah, duh were congress. Thats how we do laughter but the truth is, thats not how congress do. Thats how the kids would say it. Stephen oh. laughter thats how you, Mitch Mcconnell, do. Weve spent a year compiling bipartisan cosponsors and advocates for this bill, all in the hopes that when it finally gets to the great Mitch Mcconnells desk, you wont jack us around like youve done in the past. So, if you want to know why the 9 11 community is bent out of shape, over these past, lets call it 18 years . Meet with them, tomorrow. As soon as possible. And dont make them beg for it. You could pass this thing as a standalone bill tomorrow. Meet with them, tomorrow. cheers and applause but you know what . If youre busy, i get it. laughter just understand that next time we have a war, or youre being robbed, or your house is on fire, and you make that desperate call for help, dont get bent out of shape if they show up at the last minute, with fewer people than you thought were going to pay attention, and dont actually put it out, just sort of leave it there, smoldering for another five years. Because thats how bleep gets done around here, mister. Im sure theyll put it out for good when they feel like getting around to it. No offense. Stephen jon stewart, everyone cheers and applause well be right back with dax shepard cheers and applause band playing tree house . Thats my dream. Nforest you dream big for a man on a plane to omaha. And shes zip lining with little jon . What its lil jon. Even he knows that. Thanks, captain obvious. Youre with big jon. Im steve. Dont hatelike their trip, book yours with hotels. Com and get rewarded basically everywhere. Hotels. Com. Be there. Do that. Get rewarded. Not ecan match the power of energizer. Tery because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world. [confetti cannon popping] energizer. Backed by science. Matched by no one. Steady the elbow. Shoot me one . Ahh boom shaka laka. Feisty. Ahh laso you can enjoy it even ifst youre sensitive. Se. Yet some say it isnt real milk. I guess those cows must actually be big dogs. 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