Ryneric middleaged white guys, man. This is humiliating. Ont me just tell you. No, no, no. We will get this before the credits roll. Is it steve bulloc its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Plus, stephen welcomes jeff daniels and katy tur and Jacob Soboroff featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen wooo live, baby stephen wooo thank you, my friend. Hello hello, all my dear friend. Good to see you out there. Jon, good to see you. How is it going, sparkles . You doing good . Thank you for being here. Audience stephen stiffen stephen. Stephen i feel exactly the same way. Stephen soaked in electric dpals. You can feel it. You can feel it. Its coming up. Its coming up. Please, have a seat, everybody. Welcome. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. We are live after night one of the democratic debates, this is e e second round of debates, so debate night 2 many candidates cnns debate was broadcast from detroits fox theater. You know their slogan when you think cnn, think fox. Oaughter the debates were moderated by jake tapper, dana bash, and don lemon, or as theyre known by weir celebrity thruple name, lemasherbapper. laughter that would be nice. They would make a lovely thruple. Lemasherbapper. Its hard to sum up what you want tonight, but most of tonight was a bunch of guys with no chance to win the democratic nomination yelling republican talking points at the people who can. It was like watching the seven dwarves all offering snow white a poison apple. The debate began with our national anthem, and everyone passed the test by holding their hands on theirearts, lno sure. cheers i think he keeps his brain there. Not sure where he keeps the brain, either. Opening statements started with longshots like selfhelp guru Marianne Williamson. An amoral Economic System has erned shortterm profits for huge multinational corporations sto a false god. Stephen as williamson as opposed to the real god, shivlani, goddess of light, amethysts and essential oils. laughter hail shivlani. Former colorado governor hickenlooper laid out the stakes of this elections in no uncertain terms. I was out of work for two whole years. Stephen as hickenlooper please, i need this job. I am in deep i am in deep with the wrong people. If i dont get 200 by november, spider the juiceman is coming for my thumbs. Took my thumbs then bernie got his chance, and he talked about Corporate PowerCompanies Like amazon that made billions in profits did not pay one nickel in federal income tax. Stephen as bernie tnd one nickel is a lot. Bu can take a street car to the n egfield and see a talkie, see a talkie. And still have enough left for an egg cream at woolworths. laughter tter many of the candidates had attacked her and Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren made a call for party unity by saying this about donald trump anyone on this stage tonight or tomorrow night would make a far better president. Stephen uuum. Even the guy who thinks his heart is in his junk . Because im not sure thats a good call. When it comes to healthcare, bernies a fan of our neighbors to the north. Five minutes away from here, john, is a country. Its called canada. They guarantee health care to every man, woman, and child as a human right. Stephen as bernie its a magical land where galth care is free, hugs are mandatory, and the currency has been replaced with maple syrup that gets you high. cheers and applause you can ride a moose to a beaver factory. I dont know what that means. Steve bullock addressed the Health Care Issue with a personal story. Never forget when my 12yearold son had a heart attack within 24 hours of his life. Had to be lifeflighted to salt lake city, but because we had good insurance, hes here with me tonight. Stephen i am glad governor bullocks son is okay. Y,t apparently steve bullocks Healthcare Plan is to adopt everyone in america . Then, if something happens, were all good. laughter bernie pointed out how entrenched the Current Health n re system is. And by the way, by the way, the Health Care Industry will be advertising tonight on this program. Stephen wow, for some reason bernie is really mad at m. E advertisers. I bought a catheter and lets just say it was not self lubricating. It was like inserting a pixie stick. Yes its sad but its true and when it came to medicare for all, bernie was ready to throw down. They will be better because medicare for all is ormprehensive. It covers all Health Care Needs for senior citizens. It will finally include dental care, hearing aids, and eyeglasses. Second of all you dont know that. I do know that. I wrote the damn bill jon oh, woe stephen boom jon oh stephen as bernie i wrote the damn thing, and its a good thing you get dental care, tim, because i just slapped the teeth out of your dirty mouth. Its raining chicklets in cheer. But john delaney didnt buy bernies healthcare numbers. His math is wrong. Thats all im saying, that his math is wrong. An stephen im not sure the guy polling at 1 should be talking about math right now. Oh, really. Whole lot of delaney fans here tonight. Sheyre an endangered species by the end of the first round of questioning, it was clear who was taking the lead in the most important contest in america right now hannah b. Was going with jed over tyler. D en though jed only cares about promoting his music career ermay have briefly switched over to the bachelorette, middebate. On the subject of healthcare, lyhn delaney tried to speak to his experience on the trail. Ive been going around rural america, and i ask rural hospital administrators one ceestion stephen do you know who i am . And they were in no way helpful. In no way helpful. Marianne williamson identified the problem with our Health Care System phrasing. We need to realize we have a sickness care, rather than a Health Care System. Pf stephen as williamson we have a department of housing, but not a department of rame. laughter we have secretary of education, instead of a secretary of educating. We have a Defense Department instead of a dreamcatcher i bought in sedona. laughter catch the missiles coming in, it will catch them. laughter and mayor pete took issue with mie repetition in how we discuss gun control. This is the exact same conversation weve been having since since i was in high school. Stephen and that was almost wree weeks ago. This is ridiculous this is ridiculous. Jon i feel what hes saying. Stephen mayor pete showed his faith in the system. This is a country that once shanged its constitution so you couldnt drink, and changed it back because we changed our minds about that. Ha thank you. Stephen and to that, let me just say, god bless the United States of america. cheers and applause Governor John Hickenlooper tried to argue his centrist point of view, and he wasnt a fan of bernies theatrics. So, again, i think if were going to force americans to make these radical changes, theyre not going to go along. Throw your hands up. As all right laughter stephen what are you doing cheers and applause what are you doing, hickenlooper . throwing his hands up in exasperation is bernies signature move as bernie i throw my hands in the air, because i profoundly care ir laughter tim ryan is that his name, tim ryan. Tim ryan had a weird way of connecting with the common man. Weve got to talk about the working class issues, the people who take a shower after work. laughter stephen thats a unique way to refer to working class voters. as ryan i care about the people who shower after work who come in and peel off their sweaty clothes in the garage, because theyre dirty. They are so, so very dirt i. Then they soap up and maybe the soap splashes off the sides of the glass in the shower. And it gets all steamy and soapy you cant see whats going on in there. Then some of the water splashes on the glass and rolls down, and then, bam you can see all the way to Christmas Morning and you can tell theyre into crossfit. Im sorry, what was the question . What was. laughter john delaney kept talking about how the nominee shouldnt attempt anything too extreme. Like, anything. And Elizabeth Warren had a rebuttal for that. I dont understand why any one goes to the trouble of running for president of the h ited states just to talk about what we really cant do and shouldnt fight for. Stephen boom stay down, delaney come on. Ttay down delaney. Youre bleeding out in one eye. Elisabeth eats liin but the vibrant millennial, Bernie Sanders, had a message to the youth. We need to bring millions of young people into the political iaocess in a way that we have never seen by, among other things, making public colleges s miluniversities tuition free ntd cancelling student debt. Thank you, senator . We want a tiktok. as bernie we want a tik tok snapchat in every cardi b. Im Bernie Sanders and im running for Student Council president i will come at you like a spired monkey stephen ryan knew what to do on the environment. And he had the names to prove it. And you can go ask you can go ask gabe brown and alan williams, who actually make money off of regenerative agriculture. Stephen wait a second. Alan williams and gabe brown. Why didnt you say so when ive already forgotten their names. Then tim ryan took a swipe at one of the heavied weights. I didnt say we couldnt get there until 2040, bernie. You dont have to yell. laughter stephen im not yelling this is what it sounds like when i whisper its how i sang my kids lullabies at night. Twinkle, twinkle, little star the billionaire class has gone too far. cheers and applause so sweaty. So sweaty. I rarely i gotta say, i gotta say applause el cheers testing you, testing you. The cnn moderators stuck to their rule on candidates answers stop them from answering. More about thank you. To supporting entrepreneurship. Thank you very much. Thank you, senator. We have to lead the world thank you, senator sanders. Markets thank you, senator. No, so the question is senator, thank you, please neide by the rules. Congressman delaney its your turn. Thank you, senator. Stephen you can imagine these guys monitoring the lincolndouble las debates. A house divided against itself thank you, mr. Lincoln. Thank you. I have to give time to a fencepost, by which i mean tim ryan. Now mayor pete applause mayor pete took issue with the democrats Climate Change talking points. We have all put out. Stephen look. laughter im going to stop you right there. This is a family debate. We dont need to know which one of you has put out. Then marianne went full williamson. t if you think any of this wonkiness is going to deal with this dark psychic force of the collectivized hatred that this president is bringing up in this country, then im afraid that the democrats are going to see hime very dark days. Yes dark psychic force. There she goes, tossing her base some of that red unicorn meat. And the only way to defeat it is to help harry potter locate the nine horchux. And then and then, then cnn asked the allwhite group of candidacy how they deal with racism. Governor hickenlooper, why are you the best nominee to heal the racial divide in america . Please respond. Stephen look, i know the feeling of being put down because of something i cant control. Alrough no fault of my own, my name rhymes with lickenhooper. I know abuse. You should see how police treat me when they read my drivers license. Senator warren talked about her plan to negotiate her trade deals. Were going to negotiate our deals with unions at the table, tth Small Businesses at the table, with Small Farmers at the table, with environmentalists at the table, with human rights activists at the table. He stephen and were going to need Table Manufacturers at the table because were going to need them to make much bigger taibs, tables big enough for everyone im invited to the table, table. applause then mayor pete took a shot at the republican enablers. When david duke ran for congress, ran for governor, the Republican Party 20 years ago ran away from him. Today, they are supporting naked racism in the white house. Stephen please, mayor pete, its bad enough. Dont make me imagine donald trump tweeting in the nude. applause then, then. Then Marianne Williamson began her final, final statement. Our problem is not just that we need to defeat donald trump. as williamson we have to defeat the dark lord sauron. Defeat the lidless eye. Ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum ishi krimpatul cheers and applause woooo stephen you know what im talking about. You know what im talking about. Hickenlooper hickenclosed this way what a night. Ive loved it. Stephen that makes one of us. And no sooner had the debate ended when cnn put up a countdown clock to tomorrow nights debate. Thats either the time until the next debate or how long tim ryan w going to spend fantasizing owout your afterwork shower. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Jeff daniels is here. But when we return maybe . Helps people find Coverage Options based on their budget. Flo has it, i want it, its a whole thing, and shes right there. Yeah, shes my ride. This dates lame. 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Our liquid has a unique botanical blend, while an optimal melatonin level means no next day grogginess. Zzzquil pure zzzs. Naturally superior sleep. So this is how its you are gonna say youll get the best deal of the year on xfinity tv and internet then she goes and save even more with this deal, too mike, youre on balloons. Sarah, youre gonna high five. Ben, youre gonna be wowing them with your dance moves. Ben, youre on balloons. Yeah, ok. Dont miss the xfinity best deal of the year. Now thats simple, easy, awesome. Its our best deal of the year, with huge savings of 600 over 2 years. Plus, a speed upgrade to 400mbps, free for 2 years. And ask about even more savings with xfinity mobile. Click, call or visit a store today. band playing cheers and applause stephen everybody, welcome back. Jon batiste and stay human, everybody. Give it up for the band cheers and applause . Stephen folks right over ndre. Folks, jeff daniels will be out here in just a moment. Always a great guest to have on the show. applause . Jon jeff daniels in the house. Stephen i spent a lomehe coa multilayer symphonic soundscape news stories in the monologue. But once in a while i like to take a fivegallon bucket, turnf a discarded pig shin bone and piece together the backwoods country jug band of topical news that is my segment cheers and applause meanwhile jon come on now stephen meanwhile, the t. S. A. At b. W. I. Airport in maryland detained a man yesterday after a missile launcher was found in his checked bag. Who are these people . Honey, dou you think you can aick this Rocket Launcher . Its over three ounces of launcher. Meanwhile, in donut news, krispy kreme is redesigning its stores and making its menu even oure sugary. I guess to answer the question, can god make a donut so sweet that even he gets diabetes . laughter applause the new krispy kreme menu will feature concoctions like doughnutinfused ice cream. And if you think i would stoop so low to talk about this story just to get krispy kreme to send me a pint of it, then you know me pretty well. Toanwhile, meanwhile, we here at meanwhile globe partners get so much insane news out of one particular state, that we had to create our meanwhile subsegment guess which state this happened in . Never mind, its florida. Give me back my drugs, dligator is manphen meanwhile, in new lonnie maddox, was arrested for breaking into a home, which he did on horseback. laughter at first, maddox denied any rrime, but when police told him there was security footage of the breakin, he said he wanted to see the inside of the house because he planned to rent it. That is some quick thinking. How dare you becaviously brought my horse to rent this place that is not for rent. Now, if youll excuse me, i have to look at paint swatches with my falcon. Jon i got the horses in the back. Stephen meanwhile, an covestigation just revealed that a hacker gained access to 100 million capital one credit card applications and accounts. Which explains capital ones new slogan whats in your wallet . Never mind. Got it. Oh, my. Oh, my. There you go. The hacker, paige thompson, has been caught, and busting her required a crack squad of top investigators because she boasted on social media that she had capital one aformation, and posted the information on github, using her full first, middle, and last mme. This was a super stupid crime. But if ms. Thompson is in the market for a relationship, i know just the guy. Well be right back with jeff daniels. Right there. Right there. Almost 98 percent of patients on eliquis didnt experience another. And eliquis has significantly less major bleeding than the standard treatment. Eliquis is fda approved and has both. Dont stop eliquis unless your doctor tells you to. An aicial hevalveg. Iu have an a musclweakness. Iu have while taking eliquis, you may bruise more easily. And it may take longer than usual for bleeding to stop. Seek immediate medical care for