Special guest, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause theme song playing stephen whoo oh, jon, there you are what are we doing . Where am i . Happy thursday cheers and applause thank you very much piano riff audience chanting stephen hey how are ya . Good to see ya cheers and applause welcome welcome one and all to the late show im your host Stephen Colbert. Weve spent a lot of time over the last couple of weeks, talking about trumps racist rhetoric. But theres one race trump dislikes more than all the others, and thats the race for the democratic nomination. laughter ill tell you all about it in tonights doin it donkey style. Raise the minimum wage cheers and applause stephen the next democratic debate is a month away, and only eight candidates have qualified so far. Everyone else is getting desperate to break through. For instance, colorado senator and man who got cut from the cialis commercial for being too boring, michael bennet. Bennet put out a pretty radical Campaign Promise tuesday, tweeting, if you elect me president , i promise you wont have to think about me for two weeks at a time. laughter waaaaay ahead of you. laughter i want to say. Mitchell bucket . Im not sure. But i have to say, i do get excited about the idea of not thinking about the president. Also not thinking. laughter another candidate desperate to appeal to voters is tech entrepreneur and guy killing on c. F. O. Standup night, andrew yang. laughter yesterday, yang unveiled a spotify playlist of his favorite jams, including such hits as dont you forget about me. Wait, sorry, thats actually his campaign slogan. laughter cheers and applause piano riff now, a few of those candidates might end up on the ballot. But in one state, donald trump might not. Because a New California law requires president ial candidates to release their tax returns in order to appear on the primary ballot. cheers and applause wow. Wow. Thats pretty incredible. Thats right. Were going to see everyones tax returns. So well finally find out if Marianne Williamson writes off her dreamcatcher as a medical expense. laughter on tuesday, trump and the Republican Party sued california over the law, calling it a naked political attack against the sitting president of the United States. as trump its a naked attack. And not the good kind,like bargin in on the miss teen u. S. A. Dressing room. audience reacts and i want to remind you, this is me donald trump talking, not Stephen Colbert. Stephen thinks thats terrible. I, donald trump, think it was fun. laughter plus, california didnt name trump in their law, so trump suing them is a weird selfown. as guy at p. T. A. Meeting guys, this new pta rule that you cant sneak a lukewarm cocktail of vodka and crystal lite into meetings inside your water bottle is a clear attack against my wife. She will tell you that herself as soon as she wakes up laughter applause stephen applauding either for vodka or crystal light. I dont know which one. laughter the g. O. P. Suit claims that this new law violates the u. S. Constitution by creating an extra requirement to run for president. But thats not true. There are already all sorts of other requirements to get onto state ballots. In alabama, candidates have to get at least 350 signatures. In idaho, candidates have to pay a filing fee. And in florida, candidates have to get their petitions notarized by a licensed meth addict alligator. laughter and albert gator, i believe is his name. applause right now what is this . What is this . How many, 50 years into the Trump Presidency . Just two and a half years. Whoo two and a half years. Someone tell my mirror. Two and half years into the Trump Presidency, and President Trump says so many stupid things, its easy to forget a few. Like the time he said he got bigger crowds than jayz. Or the time he said venezuelans were all descended from inbred conquistadors. Or the time he said windmills cause cancer. Okay, i made one of those up, but at this point, does it matter which one . laughter cheers and applause jayz, yeah bigger crowd than jayz. Jon yeah, yeah. Stephen anyway, he makes a lot of weird claims, so its understandable if you forgot this one, from a couple of years ago, about the price of buying a new air force one. They were close to signing a 4. 2 billion deal to have a new air force one. Can you believe this . I said no way. I said i refuse to fly in a 4. 2 billion airplane. Weve got that price down over a billion dollars. We save a lot of money on air force 1. 1. 4 billion we saved. I was able to save 1. 5 billion. We added things and i got 1. 6 billion off. Stephen as trump i saved 1. 6 billion, got them to waive the carryon baggage fee, and as long as he wears a vest, i can bring Stephen Miller as my emotional support racist. Er applause so how did trump get the price of air force one so low . Well, apparently, instead of building new planes, he found cheap 747s that were owned by a russian airline. Ahha so now, the United States has something russia used and discarded. And he is buying their old airplanes. laughter applause still, if the president really did save the taxpayers over a billion dollars, he deserves a but he doesnt, because he didnt. It turns out the cost of trumps new air force one has skyrocketed nearly 2 billion more than the original estimate. Oh, great, so instead of saving us a billion, its costing us two billion . Evidently, trump mistakenly used the one for the price of two coupon. laughter heres a story heres a story would you like to hear another story . applause heres a story that technically counts as lighter news the earth may be broiling to a crisp, but according to a new study, men dont recycle to avoid looking gay. laughter really . Really, men . Is there no limit to straight male fragility . as kid dad, you were around during the early 21st century. What did you do to combat the preventable destruction of the planet . as man, shouting i liked girls thats what i did i liked em a lot the girls without this stuff down here and they got the things up here with the with the things, what do they call them, the niblets on the end . Yeah, i saw lots of em and im not scared of em besides, who said gay people get a reputation for being environmentally conscious. Have you seen the aftermath of a pride parade . The study polled participants about hypothetical scenarios, and found that certain ecofriendly activities, like recycling, and carrying groceries in a tote bag, instead of a plastic one were seen as unmanly. Wait, now straight men think the way they bag their groceries indicates their Sexual Orientation . Gonna make checking out at the Grocery Store a little more interesting as cashier sir, did you bring your own bag today . as customer did i bring my own bag . Once when i was at college. But its, you know, like, its college, and it was a fraternity thing, you know. It was part of the applause part of the it was part of the Fraternity Initiation we had to bring each others bags, you know. How did you even find out about that . we were sworn to secrecy. laughter this isnt just toxic masculinity, this is literally toxic. And as a ruggedly heterosexual male, i feel responsibility to convince my fellow hairychested manmen that caring for the earth is butch as hell. Join me in the late shows testosterzone cheers and applause boom boom okay welcome welcome, my dudes, to the testtoster zone. I want to bazzle mother nature. You think this is a wussy tote bag . Think again. Its a canvas vagina bag being held by a masculine arm that holds your strong, turgid groceries, like baguettes, allbeef hotdogs, and allbeef zuchinis. Oh, youre worried about being seen near a recycling container . What if it had a nice pair of boobs . Ooh, thats some bulky waste i wouldnt kick that to the curb, cuz its tuesday. cause youre a man in the testosterzone. And mother earth is soooo hot. Literally. Its very hot. We need to do something. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. From san diegos kvwn channel 4 news team, ron burgundy is here stick around for his exclusive standup set that you wont see anywhere else cheers and applause band playing no wait ugh, sorry its ok [laughs out of breath] oh you got a fast one there just cant get him to slow down this class will help with that we get it. You got it were petsmart who used expedia to book the Vacation Rental that led to the ride which took them to the place where they discovered that sometimes a little down time can lift you right up. Flights, hotels, cars, activities, Vacation Rentals. Expedia. Everything you need to go. Expedia. No i, i cant feel the heat yet dont let it catch you i cant feel the heat Veronica Corningstone cay corningstone Christina Applegate, Christina ApplegateChristina Applegate keeping it fresh. Doing it right. Sc johnson. cheers and applause band playing stephen ladies and gentlemen, welcome back folks, ladies and gentlemen, you know him as the former anchor of san diegos awardwinning channel 4 news team, and he specifically asked me to mention that hes kind of a big deal. Pleaseom performing standup, ron burgundy cheers and applause band playing oh, my gosh wow thank you so much wow cheers and applause wow wow wow hold on here hold on cheers and applause thank you what a crowd wow please, i got to get to the jokes, folks. laughter thats what you say when theyre screaming too long, right . Yeah. laughter what a crowd wow give yourself a little credit cheers and applause yes, thats more like it go ahead, ride the wave go ahead yeah cheers and applause okay, now start booing yourselves. booing there you go come on oh, a real bronx cheer anyway, hows everyone doing tonight . Good . cheers and applause yeah . Do we have any partiers here tonight . cheers and applause yes i always wondered what that meant when someone would say, hey, do you lining to party . You must be a partier look out ted likes to party right . What the heck does that mean . Do you like to throw parties . Which, in a way is a really nice compliment, you know . Means you care about people and you like to plan. laughter its going really good. Its going really good. laughter however, people usually come off more aggressively. You know, tonight were gonna party i want to party we are going off laughter what does that mean . laughter to go off . To go off where . laughter to go off and find a private nook to plan a party . laughter tonight we are going off to find a quiet area and plan an elegant sendoff for my cousin denise laughter she will be delighted because of the care and forethought whoa laughter anyway, thats the lingo these days. In my day, it was a much simpler time. We would just say, hey, im going to have a good time. And by a good time, it just meant you get drunk and you fight the first person that looks at you sideways. laughter man or woman. laughter real or imagined. laughter animals were no exception. laughter i fought a lot of pet birds and dogs back in the day, and i dont mind telling you, most of the time, i came out on the losing end. But thats what we called having a good time. New york city, though, is its a great drinking town. Whenever i come here, i just want to order a cocktail, you know what i mean . Harvey wallbanger. Thats a weird name for a drink, right . A guy named harvey, used to bang walls. Burgundy rim shot rim shot applause thank you. I really appreciate that. Because that would look terrible if you werent ready to do that. So thank you. laughter raise your hand if youve heard of a drink called the rusty nail. Yes. Oh, almost everyone. laughter a rusty nail is scotch and drambuy and the first sip tastes like your grandmothers underpants, but after the second sip youre ordering two more. Next thing, youre in the emergency room getting a tetanus shot because you end up shooting yourself in the foot with a nail gun. Thats a rusty nail. laughter no joke, though, you should get caught up on those tetanus shots. What else is going on . What else . Trade wars, right . Everyday all we hear is trade war, trade war with china, trade war with mexico. We even had a trade war with canada. What was that about . Yeah, boo im with you. I i ha hate canadians. applause no, thank you, its refreshing to speak your mind with an anticanada audience. laughter good, good, were on the same page. laughter trade war with canada, we arent going to give you any more cars till you lower the price of canadian bacon . laughter to hell with the trade wars, i say trade peace cheers and applause yeah thank you. Thank you. Hey, i got something we can trade how about we trade a doobie back and forth and figure this whole thing out, you know what i mean . cheers and applause yes, because im getting sick of hearing about it. Speaking of doobies, did you know that marijuana is now leaguel in most states . Thats just crazy to me because, back in my day, everyone had a dealer named marcus or julius. laughter or paco. And they would meet you in la vons parking lot with a dimebag or a little piece of tinfoil with weird shavings or tree bark or god knows what it was and you were happy to have it. laughter these guys became a real part of your life. You invited them to your wedding. laughter they went on vacations with you. laughter paco and julius were your best friends until you couldnt pay. laughter and then the knives came out, and it was harsh, but you felt alive laughter now you just waltz in and buy a bag of gummy bears and trip balls, you know . laughter wheres the dangerous . Wheres the romance . laughter i miss paco and julius. Theyre both dead, by the way. laughter what else . laughter oh, you guys excited about the new star wars, huh . cheers and applause yeah . Is there a new star wars . I have no idea. I just say that and people go crazy because youre all a bunch of chumps. Canadian hating chumps. But i love new york. I really do. The other day i went to ellis island to trace my family roots and i have to say it was very emotional. I looked up the burgundy family to see where we had originally come from, and i was looking and looking and poring over the records and, finally, finally i found burgundy. Josiah and rhonda burgundy. Country of origin, and someone had drawn some intricate male genitalia. laughter so that was so that was a bummer. Thats not so much a joke as a cautionary tale. laughter so if you go to ellis island, people, be prepared theres some mean people out there with a sharpie drawing penises where it says country of origin. So true story. laughter heres one im going to leave you with, two guys walk into a bar, a gay guy and a straight guy. laughter the gay guy says to the bartender, id like to order a drink. The bartender is a mexican guy and he says, whatll you have . Meanwhile, down the bar is a chinese lady. laughter just minding her business, but before anyone can order, in walks a black guy, and he walks right up to the bar all calm and cool. Now, the straight guy takes a look at whats going on and he turns to the table behind him, which is a table full of jews and a Catholic Bree priest. Now, if you thought i was going to the a racist joke, you had another thing coming. This is new york city, folks, and were all here to have a good time my name is ron burgundy, i hope to see you at the bar thank you stephen ron burgundy, everybody cheers and applause band playing ron, come on over yeah thank you so much really great. Really funny stuff, ron. Im a longtime fan of your work, but how long has ron burgundy been doing standup . How long . Stephen yeah, how long. About 20 minutes. How long was that set . Twelve . Stephen yeah. I really enjoy it. Stephen clearly. I write my own material. It was all written by me. Stephen my understanding is you were on tonight, on every single late night show in one night. All in one night. Tonight, august 8. laughter stephen yeah. House of your summer, by the way . Which is a joyous summertime its the happiest day to have the summer. Stephen exactly. I have any summertime scarf on and my cashmere turtleneck. Stephen its so important in august to keep the throat warm. Oh, my gosh, and ive had it on all day so this is wreaking. laughter stephen you have been on all the shows. Yes. Stephen all the shows tonight simultaneously. Whos your favorite . My favorite late night host, and its got to be christiana napor. Shes so funny and very highly intellectual. Stephen sure. But youre in my top five, stephen. Really appreciate it, yeah. Stephen sure, sure. So speaking of hosts, everybody the king of the mountain for all time is Johnny Carson. Yes. Stephen did you know johnny at all . Did you go drinking with him . Did guy drinking with Johnny Carson . Stephen yeah. O Johnny Carson for those of you who dont know was the host of the tonight show, 32 years, and he used to have a wellknown poker game at his house i was sometimes invited to. Stephen drive up to san diego. Sackedo past carlsbad to his house in encino. Stephen sure. And i would be invited, and they liked to drink, they liked to drink there. You name it. You never know who you would sit next to. Burt reynolds, joey bishop, marty feld been. Pete barboodi and brother derk. Stephen would you like a drink . I would love one. cheers and applause drinking wasnt illegal back in those days. In fact, i remember one night it was just johnny and i and debbie reynolds, americas sweetheart, and it was about 4 00 in the morning and im trailing off now because i realize i cant tell that story. laughter stephen its an honor to f tephen we have to take a commercial break, you know, from the business. I dont know. I dont know if i can stick around. Go ahead, go to commercial, and if i can stick around for the second segment, i will. If not, it was great talking to you. Stephen all right, great. laughter so well see you in about three or four minutes. I have a good feeling about it. Stephen yeah. All right, well be right back with possibly more ron burgundy, all right, well be right back with possibly more ron burgundy, everybody. 6 cheers and applause the good news . Our comfort lasts all day. The bad news . So does his energy. New depend® fitflex underwear offers your best comfort and protection guaranteed. Because, perfect or not, lifes better when youre in it. Be there with depend®. Tthe bad news . Ouyour patience might