And musical guests, goo goo dolls featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen woooo thanks, everybody welcome happy tuesday. Have a seat, everybody. Thank you very much. Youre too kind. Welcome one and all to the late show. cheers every day, i wake up and think, things cant possibly get any worse. And every day, donald trump says, hold my filetofish. Im going in. Today is tuesday. Yesterday, monday, the Trump Administration finalized plans to weaken the endangered species act. booing for reaction, lets go to the american bald eagle. laughter applause . Stephen you get him. You get him. Gaw gaw there is one small piece of good news in this story the rules are not retroactive to past endangered species. So if youre already extinct, nothing to worry about. Youre good to go. The administration also announced on monday that, starting in october, poor immigrants will be denied permanent legal status if they are deemed likely to use government benefit programs. Really . booing because i know of at least one immigrant lady who lives in really nice Public Housing and pretty much only works on christmas. laughter applause cheers easter. I guess easter, too. Easter. The plan was unveiled by head of immigration services, and just for men box, ken cuccinelli. The cooch defended this policy targeting latinos when asked if it would target latinos. Why shouldnt the Latino Community feel targeted by this . The same question might have been asked when my italian immigrants were coming, immigrant ancestors were coming. If we had been having this conversation 100 years ago, it would have applied to more italians. Stephen as cuccinelli luckily, were not having this conversation 100 years ago, or else i wouldnt be here today to pull up the ladder between me and my family. Suck it, hispanics youve been cooched cheers and applause right on time. Right on time. Then a reporter asked cucinnelli if this new rule goes against the poem on the statue of liberty, and he said this im certainly not prepared to take anything down off the statue of liberty. We we have a long history of being one of the most welcoming nations in the world. I do not think, by any means, were ready to take anything off the statue of liberty. Stephen as cuccinelli we dont want to take anything away from that poem. Ultimately we want to just add one word psych cheers and applause trump weighed in on these changes on his way to pennsylvania. And ill tell you all about it in tonights extra loud episode of chopper talk. applause trump wasnt at people love red tablchopper talk. Trump wasnt at the white house today. He was at his golf resort in bedminster, new jersey. So instead of the spacious white house lawn, he held the press conference six inches from the whirring blades. And he had this to yell about his new immigration policy i dont think its fair to have the american taxpayer you know, its about america first. I dont think its fair to have the american taxpayer pay for people to come into the United States. Stephen as trump american taxpayers should only cover the important stuff, like my helicopter rides to and from the golf. laughter trump wasnt asked cheers and applause trump was asked about Jeffrey Epstein, and he defended a Conspiracy Theory about the clintons killing epstein that the president himself retweeted, which was originally posted by comedian terrence k. Williams. Hes a very highly respected conservative pundit. Hes a big trump fan. That was a retweet. That wasnt from me. That was from him. But hes a man with half a million followers. A lot of followers. And hes respected. Stephen first of all, it was from you. A retweet is from you. Thats how it works. What . I didnt stab you. That was somebody elses knife. I restabbed you. And, by the way, the guy whose knife i used . A very respected stabber. Second of all, trump doubled down on the it could have been bill. Do you really think the clintons are involved in Jeffrey Epsteins death . I have no idea. The question you have to ask is did bill clinton go to the island . Because epstein had an island. That was not a good place, as i understand. I was never there. You have to ask, did bill clinton go to the island . Thats the question. If you find that out, youre going to know a lot. Stephen as trump did bill clinton go to the island . Did hillary hide her emails on that island . Could could that be the island where barack obama was really born . Im not saying im not saying that all three of them killed Jeffrey Epstein. Im just saying, did all three of them kill Jeffrey Epstein . Sorry, i cant hear. Now, trump was choppering to western pennsylvania, where he visited a brand new cracker plant, named for the Chemical Reaction of cracking gas molecules into the Building Blocks of plastic. Although, im not sure trump knows thats what it means. laughter as trump crackers, huh . Are we talking about the kind you put in soup, or the kind that shows up to my rallies . Just give me an idea the plant uses a controversial practice that alarms environmentalists called, fracking for plastic. Okay. Okay, now hes just trolling us. Hes just jamming together the two worst words a liberal can think of. as trump after fracking for plastic, im going to go gun littering, and then i think well be drilling for racism. laughter trumps speech was really fracking long. And he made sure to hit a very Important Campaign message truck go vroomvroom. I love trucks of all types, even when i was a little boy at four years old. My mother would say, you love trucks. i do. I always loved trucks. I still do. Nothing changes. Stephen as trump yes, nothing changes. Nothing changes at all. Emotionally, im still four. I love trucks. laughter you got fire. cheers and applause you got you got dump. You got tonka. laughter trump talked about the declining steel industry, and he did not mince words. Pennsylvania steel raised the skyscrapers that built our cities. By the way, steel steel was dead. Your business was dead, okay . I dont want to be overly crude. Your business was dead. laughter stephen i would love to see dr. Trumps bedside manner. as trump okay, which one of you is sarah . Okay, sarah, your husband is dead. He was murdered with a knife like this. Stab stabbedystab and i dont want to put too fine a point on it, but theres no afterlife. Theres just darkness he also warned about what would happen if the coal and fracking industries were to disappear. Your fracking is gone. Your coal is gone. You guys, i dont know what the hell youre gonna do. You dont want to make widgets, right . You want to learn how to make a computer, little tiny pieces of stuff that you put with those big, beautiful hands of yours . Hes gonna take these big hands, gonna take this little tiny part stephen as trump you dont want to make computers with those big illustrious arms of yours. You want to make the technology of the future solid steel, coalpowered blimps beautiful hands. These hands. These hands. applause though trump said he loved natural gas, he went all don quixote on the windmills. Big windmills that destroy everybodys property values, kill all the birds. And then all of a sudden, it stops. The wind and the televisions go off, and your wives and husband say, darling, i want to watch donald trump on television tonight. But the wind stopped blowing, and i cant watch. There is no electricity in the house, darling. Stephen as wife oh, yes, oh, yes, darling husband, the wind isnt blowing, so you cant watch trump on tv. It isnt that i pulled the Circuit Breaker so i wouldnt have to hear the syphilitic ramblings of that madman. Damn you windmills damn you windmills damn you trump was very impressed with the turnout at the event. That is a lot of people back there for an, like, 11 00 speech. Stephen it is a big crowd for an 11 00 speech. Especially considering it was 2 40 p. M. laughter applause cheers jon im trying to figure that out myself. as trump hey, not my fault. I think this watch is windmill powered. Mikie gave me the wrong hands in here. Trump also bragged about the economy. Our country now has the hottest economy anywhere in the world. Every time a prime minister, president , king, queen, dictator whatever they may be some are sort of mutual. Some of you have president s and prime ministers who are actually dictators. Stephen yes, some of us do. laughter or want to be. Want to be. cheers and applause want to be. Shockingly, trump had something nice to say about the president of mexico. The president now has been great. And hes got 27,000 soldiers on our southern border and on his border with guatemala, keeping our borders safer. I want to thank mexico. It is incredible. We have close to 27,000. Think of that we never had three. I think we had about two and a half soldiers. Stephen as trump we had two and a half soldiers. Why we never took that halfsoldier to the hospital, ill never know. laughter applause that was a big one. That was a big one. If all the chaos here in america is making you want to flee the country, think again, because the rest of the worlds even crazier. Hong kong is in turmoil. For the second day in a row, prodemocracy protestors have taken over the airport, causing all flights to be cancelled. And i would like to note that a mass uprising in hong kong looks exactly like the waiting lounge before any southwest flight. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Jada Pinkett Smith is here. But when we come back, meanwhile. 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Ross has the brands you want for back to school. And it feels even better when you find them for less. At ross. Yes for less. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody give it up for jon batiste and stay human cheers and applause stephen beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Jon, i like the white dinner jacket tonight. Its a very Humphrey Bogart casablanca look. Jon looking classy tonight. Stephen it is. Of all the gin joints in the world you had to walk into this one. Jon its destiny. Stephen i have never spoken to our first guest. Jada Pinkett Smith is here tonight. Jon yeah, jada is incredible. Shes got a glow. Stephen she does. She has an inner glow. You know, folks, i spend so much time over there smelting the raw ore of the big news into the gorgeous wroughtiron gate that is my monologue. But sometimes i like to shovel up all the castoff news slag, grind it into a powder, mix it with clinker, gypsum, and fly ash, and refine it into Blast Furnace slag cement, which is then poured into a cast, and cooled into the Convenience Store parking block that is my segment there cant be too much meanwhile. It gives hope to people. Meanwhile, for days, the internet has been unable to get enough of this video of a pneumatic tube system designed for moving fish Long Distances over dams. The line is always super long but that salmon had a fast pass. laughter the device is known as the salmon cannon, which narrowly beat out the gill gun, the trout spout, the bass blaster, and of course, the flinging nemo. laughter the salmon cannon is the brainchild of a Company CalledWhooshh Innovations, which asks the question what else does Whooshh Innovations make . All right, everybody, weve got the perfect name for the company. Now whats something that goes whooshh . No bad ideas. Seriously, even if you pitch some kind of Long Distance fish launcher, im in. But not that. Something else. Meanwhile, despite all the times, there are also inspiring and uplifting stories out there. And, usually, those stories are about olympic gymnast simone biles. cheers and applause and i like to cover them in our new simone bilesbased meanwhile subsegment meanbiles. Dont let the name fool you. I have met her. Shes nicebiles. Meanbiles, simone biles, just won her sixth allaround title at the u. S. Gymnastics championship cheers and applause in part in part by being the first ever to land a triple double. Two doubles, three flips in competitions. Here is what that looks like. Youve got the flop. You have another flop. Then youve got one, two, three and there were two flips in there. Boom unbelievable unbelievable no other gymnast in the world can do that without being shot out of a salmon cannon. laughter meanwhile, j. D. Salingers novels will finally be released as ebooks. Allowing ebooks is a bold move by j. D. Salingers son, Matt Salinger. But dont expect any other types of media, because Matt Salinger maintains that, like his father, he is firmly opposed to screen adaptations. And he is also not going to release j. D. Salingers work as audiobooks. Fine. I respect that. No movies. No audiobos. But notice that he didnt say anything about video games. Hear me out ive put a Little Something together that i think demonstrates the sheer pulsepounding, buttonsmashing potential of the entire salinger oeuvre. Okay, level one. Youre holden caulfield. Youre watching the rye. Okay, here come those kids catch em, holden catch the kids catch em in the rye no there are too many there are too many kids youve lost your innocence youve lost their innocence. And youve won. Youve won. Bonus round ask a cab drive applause bonus round ask a cab driver where ducks go in the winter. Call me, Matt Salinger, or youre a phony. Well be right back with jada pinkettsmith. 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Keep it fresh. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest from a different world, magic mike xxl, and girls trip. She now hosts red table talk and stars in the new film angel has fallen. Please welcome to the late show, jada Pinkett Smith applause applause stephen hi. Hey stephen thanks for being here. Thank you for having me. applause stephen thanks for being here in a very busy time for you. Were in the middle of what are calling the jadasance. It started with girls trip, and then angel has fallen, and the number one show on facebook live. And its red table talk. Youre a ver