Transcripts For KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert 2024

KPIX The Late Show With Stephen Colbert July 14, 2024

You could be the democratic nominee and in large block print we write thank you for being a dem announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight legion of dem. Plus stephen welcomes governor Chris Christie and carly zakin and Danielle Weissberg with a special appearance by governor Steve Bullock, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen come on cheers and applause audience chanting stephen hey, everybody whoo rim shot we are live thank you thank you, my friends cheers and applause yeah thanks, everybody welcome one and all, in here, out there, to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. We are coming to you live. Coming to you live after tonights democratic debate. Tonight we saw clash of the big bs, biden, bernie, buttigieg, bickenblooper. laughter coming into the evening, joe biden had a big lead in all the polls, and to celebrate, his supporters handed out free ice cream they called joe cones. A joe cone is also what biden wears to make sure he respects personal space these days. Just for safety. laughter cheers and applause its a response. Jon oh, my. Stephen but tonight the joe cone was met by the Kamala Harris flame thrower. cheering she oh, you watched it. Yes. He had the joe cone, but she made joe scream, you scream, we all scream holy cow she might be president cheers and applause as as a former prosecutharris found everyone else on that stage guilty of being less interesting and sentenced them of two hours of being her pasty background singers. laughter it all started out innocently enough for the Vice President when he got a question about reassuring wall street that nothing would change, and he cranked the folksy knob up to 11. What i meant by that is, look, donald trump thinks wall street built america. Ordinary middle class americans built america. My dad used to have an expression stephen he used to say, son, the vikings are coming for all of us and will end this village. It was a long time ago. laughter take your mother and sister and get to the caves Kamala Harris started by biting the head off this question do you think democrats have a responsibility to explain how they will pay for every proposal s . Ey wilkehose let me tell you something, i hear that question, but where was that question when the republicans and donald trump passed a tax bill that benefits the top 1 and the biggest corporations in this country . cheers and applause stephen and where are the questions be when i break out the Louisville Slugger and the oval of pain because after i snap him like a bread stick there will be no more questions next question. applause and i believe in global warming. Tonight Kamala Harris was on fire laughter look at bernies face while giving that answer. Hes literally licking his lips. She just took the top 10 of the best 40 of what i was going to say. Its not fair laughter bernie also went after the president. The American People understand that trump is a phony, that trump is a pathological liar and a racist stephen oh, they understand it, sir. Thats the reason why some of them voted for him. laughter and he bernied on. Thats how we beat trump, we expose him for the fraud that he is. Stephen not sure if we need to do that, senator. Trump already has a long history of exposing himself. laughter and applause senator Michael Bennett seemed surprised when a question was senator bennett applause you have said, it is possible to write policy proposals that have no basis in reality, you might as well call them candy. Were you referring to any candidate or proposal when you said that . Was that directed at me . Stephen am i supposed to talk . Am i on camera . Because i was just looking for the salad bar. Im sorry. This seems very nice. laughter and then he espanoled again. speaking spanish stephen wow i knew buttigieg spoke norwegian but had no idea he spoke beto orourke piano riff applause thats fantastic. Muchas gracias. Jon muchas gracias. Stephen andrew yang is running on a proposal for universal basic income but im not sure if he knows that. Mr. Yang, your signature policy is to give every adult in the United States 1,000 a month, no questions asked. Thats right. I think thats like 3. 2 trillion a year. How would you do that . Sorry . laughter stephen uh, um. Uh. With scratchers . With scratchers . laughter im sorry i was just trying to remember where i left my tie. I had one when i walked in here. laughter then congressman Eric Swalwell showed how tough he was by throwing a punch at an old man. I was six years old when a candidate came to the Democratic Convention and said its time to pass the torch to a new generation of americans. You whippe you whipper snapper come on ill give you the Jack Johnsons you little shaver laughter at one point, every candidate was talking over every other candidate about something i cant remember other than how Kamala Harris put an end to it crosstalk guys, america does not want to witness a food fight. They want to know how were going to put food on their table. cheers and applause stephen oh oh yeah, yeah. She had that line ready. Yeah, she had that in some tupperware. laughter piano riff finally, selfhelp guru Marianne Williamson had her own prescription for beating trump. Ill tell you one thing, its really nice weve got all these plans but if you think were going to beat donald trump by just having all these plans, you have another thing coming, because he didnt win by saying he had a plan, he won simply by saying make America Great again. We have to get deeper than these superficial fixes. Stephen we have to go deeper than the superficial carefully thought out political policies. Has anyone tried fixing america with crystals d bee en, yoga . cheers and applause jon watch out watch yourself there. Stephen John Hickenlooper was asked a classic debate question. John hickenlooper, day one, if you are applause day one at the white house, how do you respond with stephen whwhwhat the would i do on day one of the white house . Well, i would congratulate whoever won the election because i should not be up here. piano riff but, just, uh applause once again, selfhelp guru Marianne Williamson had a more holistic approach to immigration. What President Trump has done children, not only demonize these immigrants, he is attacking a basic principle of americas moral core. We open our hearts to the stranger. Stephen at least i hope so because no one knows who the hell i am. laughter just applause mayor pete focused on his faith. Weve got to talk about one other thing because the Republican Party likes to cloak itself in the language of religion. Stephen i dont know, mayor, its less of a cloak nowadays and more of a sheet. audience reacts jon mmm. Stephen halfway laughter halfway through, there was a personnel switch with Rachel Maddow playing the part of lester holt and chuck todd playing the part of a guy who really likes the sound of his own voice. When discussion turns to racism, a lot of the white folks on stage had opinions, but Kamala Harris had experience. Were going to get to you. Hang on. On stage, i would like to speak on the issue of race. cheers and applause senator harris what i will say is well give you 30 seconds since were going to come back to you on this again in a moment. Go for 30 seconds. Stephen so for 30 seconds to sum up institutionalized racism thats been plaguing our country since its inception, go i direct this to Vice President biden. I do not believe you are a racist, and i agree with you when you commit yourself to the importance of finding common ground, but i also believe and it is personal, and i was actually it was hurtful to hear you talk about the reputations of two United States senators who built their reputations and career on the segregation of race in this country, and it was not only that but you also worked with them to oppose busing. There was a little girl in california who was part of the second class to integrate her Public Schools, and she was bussed to school every day, and that little girl was me. Stephen i believe harris on busing because she clearly just took biden to school. applause harris, a very emotional moment. Jon yeah. Stephen and harris did not let up. But, Vice President biden, do you agree today do you agree today that you were wrong to oppose busing in america then . No. Do you agree . I did not oppose busing in america. What i opposed was busing ordered by the department of education. Thats what i opposed. Well, theres a failure of states to integrate Public Schools in america. I was part of the second class to integrate berkeley, california Public Schools almost two decades after brown v board of education. Because your city council made the decision. It was a local decision. And the federal government had to step in. Stephen i hope they took dental photographs of biden before the debate because they will need a reference to put his teeth back in. applause then harris turned her fire from biden to trump. The fact that we have a president of the United States who has embraced Science Fiction over science fact will be to our collective peril. Stephen well, of course, trump embraces Science Fiction im pretty sure his hair was shaved off of a wookiees ass. cheers and applause and harris spoke of her personal experience with wildfires in california. I spoke with firefighters who were in the midst of fighting a fire while their own homes were burning. Stephen and they said to me, now is not a great time, senator, could we talk a little later . applause then, chuck todd tried desperately to take control of the debate. Before we go, im going to go down the line here and im ouase two words only, all right . Please. Stephen uh bite me, chuck . Oh, sorry. Thats three. I apologize. Then they had another technical difficulty. Were going to continue the questioning now with lester in the audience. We are . We are, in a second, going to have a question from lester in the audience. laughter applause stephen my apologies. Chuck todd tried once again to do one of his never successful just oneword answer questions, but he got pretty upset when people tried to actually give a substantial answer. Its a perfect time for me to do another one of these down the line. What is the first relationship you like to reset as president . Im going to go down the line im trying to get one or two words here. Stephen and please dont talk too much, okay . Youre not chuck todd, i am zip it zip it cheers and applause and when it came to closing statements, Marianne Williamson had the plan to heal the country. Im going to harness love for political purposes. Stephen and anyone curious what she means by harnessing love, do not google love harness, its something totally different. Please, please do not. cheers and applause piano riff and Kamala Harris summed it all up with her closing statement thank you all. I just want to leave you with a couple of things. Stephen joe bidens balls. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. Chris christie is here but when we come back, a late show exclusive, the candidate the democrats left out of this debate cheers and cheers and applause band playing stephen give it up for jon batiste and stay Human Special guests tonight, the dap kings in a moment well have a republican analysis of what happened. Governor Chris Christie is going to be here in a moment. Talking about from the oppositions point of view of what they thought happened at tonights debate. Looking forward to that. Jon yeah. Stephen first, folks, over the last two nights of debates weve heard from many potential candidates for president , also bill de blasio. laughter but there are also more democrats running that didnt qualify to be in these debates including substantial candidates, like the actual governor of montana, Steve Bullock, hes the sitting governor of a red state that went for trump in 2016 and he was not on stage tonight. Dont worry. While nbc may have hosted the first debate with the other candidates, the late show is proud to host something even more historicer, the first all governor Steve Bullock debate. laughter the late shows all governor Steve Bullock debate no bull, all bullock. And now our moderator Stephen Colbert. Stephen good evening. Im not lester holt. A reminder, to qualify for tonights debate, we looked at the candidates poll numbers, fundraising and then whether or not they were governor Steve Bullock. Tonight america finds out where governor bullock stands on key issues and also what he looks like. Please welcome the sitting governor of montana and candidate for the democratic nomination, Steve Bullock. Thank you, stephen. Let me begin by saying that i stephen just a moment. Governor. This is a debate. Lets meet your challengers. Next up, governor of montana, Steve Bullock. I look forward to a spirited debate. Stephen also, governor steve bullook . Its bullock. Stephen sorry. Bullock. Tied with all in the polls, seven more Steve Bullocks. Governors bullock, thank you all for having here. Thanks for having me. Stephen my first question is for governor bullock sorry, fourth bullock from the left, you there in the striped tie. You didnt qualify for the debates, werent breaking through in the polls, how do you make the case voters should take you seriously. Im on the only democrat running for president that won in a red state. Weve been able to get big, bold progressive things done. If we want to beat donald trump, we need to win back some of the places that we lost in the past and also give people a reason to believe that both the political system and our democracy will work for them. I am that candidate. Stephen thank you, governor. Bullock number 7, care to respond . I agree with everything that governor bullock just said. He just said my name, so i believe i have ten seconds to respond. Stephen in a moment, sir. But first, we have a comment from uh you in the middle the center bullock. Did you just say sandra bullock, is she here . Stephen sadly, again, this is only a Steve Bullock debate. Final question. You made Campaign Finance reform a central part of your platform. How do you plan to address the socalled dark money . You know, fighting against the toxic influence of money in politics, its been the fight of my career and i think its the challenge of our time most folks might not care about money in politics, but they do care that tax laws are written for the wealthy when 44 of americans wouldnt have 400 bucks in their pocket. Prescription Drug Companies spend in our elections, we pay more for drugs and healthcare than any other country in the world and we have nothing to show for it. Weve kicked dark out of elections in montana and if we can do it in montana we can do it in washington, d. C. And every state across this country. Stephen thank you, sir. Now, gentlemen, were running out of time, so you will all have three seconds to issue your closing statements. Starting now. talking at the same time well, well have to leave it there. Thank you, governors bullock. We now return to our regularly scheduled coverage of pretty much everybody else. Back to you, stephen. Stephen thanks, steve cheers and applause well be right back with governor Chris Christie cheers and applause band playing messes with sprays. Tough try new clean freak it has three times the cleaning power to dissolve kitchen grease on contact. It works great on bathtubs. And even stainless steel. Try new clean freak from mr. Clean. Used almost everywherezema, euon almost everybody. Like the back of a bodyguard. For ages 2 and up. Eucrisa works at. And below the surface of the skin. It blocks overactive pde4 enzymes. Which is believed to reduce inflammation. And its steroidfree. Do not use if you are allergic to eucrisa or its ingredients. 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