Tonight, send him back plus, stephen welcomes Tiffany Haddish, jared harris, and musical guest the Smashing Pumpkins. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen come on wooo hello cheers and applause come on thanks, everybody. Please have a seat. Welcome, welcome one and all, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Now folks, we live we live in such partisan, divided times. Or at least thats what it feels like most of the time, you know. Jon thats right. Stephen and it can get you down. But sometimes a hero emerges to show us the way to face the darkness. Yesterday, an angry trump supporter interrupted a Tucson City Council meeting and this happened. The city does not change or defy immigration laws. That is congresss job shut up to change immigration laws. Shut up booing american citizen shut up american citizens respect our laws. booing respect our laws. Youre in direct violation of being a moron. Youre in direct violation of the oath you took to the United States constitution. Youre in direct violation of being an idiot. Yes, sir . Youre in direct violation of being a jackass. unintelligible yelling recall the mayor quiet, quiet, quiet. Quiet, quiet, quiet. cheers and applause stephen i love it i love it its true what they say not all heroes wear capes. laughter some wear limegreen shirts. laughter America Needs more greenshirt guy and less orangeface man. laughter today, the president flew down to dayton, ohio, and el paso, texas. And he was met by protesters in both cities. Dayton mayor, nan whaley, met with trump and told the press beforehand that she wasnt going to pull any punches. Im disappointed with his remarks. I mean, i think they fell really short. Are you going to express these views to the president when you see him tomorrow . Absolutely. You are . Absolutely. Youre going to tell him how unhelpful hes been . Look, i mean, if im telling you, im going to tell him. What are you going to tell him exactly . Like, how unhelpful hes been on this. Stephen now, that may sound mild. That may not sound like much to new yorkers. But in ohio, unhelpful is a laughter devastating burn. Its right up there with holding a door for someone but not saying, ghead. laughter trump was on a mission to bring the country together as he read off the teleprompter on monday. Now is the time to set destructive partisanship aside so destructive and find the courage to answer hatred with unity, devotion, and love. Stephen okay, not exactly what youre used to hearing from donald trump, but he appeared to mean it. For about 24 hours. Because tuesday he tweeted, beto phony name to indicate hispanic heritage orourke, who is embarrassed by my last visit to the great state of texas, where i trounced him, is now even more embarrassed by polling at 1 in the democrat primary. Should respect the victims and Law Enforcement and be quiet laughter nation healed. By the way, mr. President , beto isnt pretending to be hispanic. If he was, the part of his name he wouldve changed wouldve been orourke. laughter okay . Beto orourke does not sound like a hispanic name. Beto orourke sounds like the bouncer at a dropkick murphys concert. And beto had the perfect response to trump, tweeting, 22 people in my hometown are dead after an act of terror inspired by your racism. El paso will not be quiet and neither will i. cheers and applause you tell em. You tell em, beto. Nicely said. Jon say it plain. Stephen you tell em beto. Then tell em again in spanish. El trumpo es racisita mas grande con queso. laughter racisita . Racista . Whatever. Okay. Before trump left washington, he stopped to shriek at the press, and ill tell you all about it in tonights edition of chopper talk. cheers and applause tonight on chopper talk in the light of the el paso shooting, people have been criticizing trumps rhetoric all week, and a reporter asked him about that. No, i dont think my rhetoric has at all. I think my rhetoric it brings people together. Stephen as trump yes, i believe my rhetoric brings people together into a huge angry mob chanting send her back and its not easy to get a group of old white people to chant in rhythm. On the ones. Send her back send her back send her back. Trump also got into a beef today with former Vice President and man enjoying his invisible corn, laughter joe biden. Biden was at a Campaign Stop in iowa, and he kicked off his speech by telling the crowd exactly why hes running. We are in a battle for the soul of this nation. Thats why, primarily, im running for president. Stephen as biden primarily, while im running. Im also running because i left a dvd of die hard 3 in the oval office. laughter really holds up. Biden compared trumps leadership unfavorably to his predecessors. American president s have stepped up in the past. George h. W. Bush renouncing his membership in the n. R. A. ; president clinton after oklahoma city; george w. Bush going to a mosque after 9 11; president obama after charleston. President s who led, who opposed, chose to fight for what the best of american character is about. There is deafening silence now. Sadly, we dont have that today. Our president has aligned himself with the darkest forces in this nation. Stephen as trump wrong. I align myself with the whitest forces in this nation. laughter come on joe, at least read my twitter manifesto. cheers and applause are these thumbs doing nothing . Theyre working for nothing. Biden continued the unflattering comparison. We have a president with a toxic tongue. Stephen its called herpes, joe. They laughter they havent called it toxic tongue since the 20s, but. laughter applause biden people applauding herpes. laughter biden biden went on. Trump offers no moral leadership, seems to have no interest in unifying this nation, no evidence that the presidency has awakened his conscience in the least. Stephen ive got some bad news, joe. His conscience isnt sleeping. Its dead. They laughter they sent his conscience to a farm upstate. So, instead of a conscience, trumps got the devil on one shoulder and himself on the other. as devil call hispanics murderers. as shoulder trump dont listen to him, donnie. Look into your heart. And call them rapists. as trump guys, guys, dont fight. Ill do both. Biden wrapped up his remarks applause acting. Thank you, acting. laughter joe really stuck the landing were the United States of america. Theres not a single thing beyond our capacity if we stand gether, get up and remember who we are. This is the United States of america, period. Stephen exclamation point ellipses. Can you make election day get here any faster, question mark . cheers and applause but of course but but, of course, donald trump was watching, and he found the time to tweet, watching Sleepy Joe Biden making a speech. Sooo boring the lamestream media will die in the ratings and clicks with this guy. It will be over for them. Well, as a guy who has been number one since the day you were inaugurated, ill take that trade. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Tiffany haddish is here. But when we return, another unknown democrat enters the race one of my writers. Its true. Stick around. Cake in the Conference Room showing em youre ready. To be your own boss. Thats the beauty of your smile. Crests three dimensional whitening. Removes stains,. Whitens inbetween teeth. And protects from future stains. Crest. Healthy, beautiful smiles for life. 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Features maximum absorbency, ultra soft fabric and new beautiful designs for your best comfort and protection guaranteed. Lifes better when youre in it. Be there with depend®. Well well well, what have we here . A magical place. Thats lookin to get scared with bats. And ghouls. And cars in disguise. Ive cast quite a spell now. You wont believe your eyes the spell is cast. Halloween time is back with spooktacular experiences in disneyland and disney california Adventure Parks . cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody thats right thats right thats right as you know, folks, were heading into the 2020 election. And the democratic field looks like its finally come down to just two dozen candidates. cheers and applause i dont know how people can even tell them all apart. There are 14 white men, alone i cant tell a joe sestak from a steve bullock. And ive had both of them on the show. There are so many candidates right now that if a random person walked up to me on the street and said they were running for president , id probably believe them. And i decided to test that theory by sending one of our writers, brian stack, out on the street to see if people would believe he was one of the countless middleaged white, male Democratic Candidates. cheers and applause brian looks enough like a generic white male politician that hes played them on the show dozens of times. So we gave him the name Gregory Whytman, with a y, to keep it subtle. laughter and told him to just make Everything Else up. Take a look. Stephen brian went up to central park to meet some voters and see if he could believably pass as a president ial candidate. Hey, folks, do you have a quick second . Sure. Hi. How you doing . Are you familiar with the Democratic Candidates running for president . Yes. Theres a lot of em. Have you heard of Gregory Whytman . No. No . Well, thats me. Oh, nice to so, its nice to meet you. When did you announce your candidacy . Just now. You just did now . Yeah. Just now. Just today. Really . You did . Congratulations. Gregory whytman, im a democrat running for president Gregory Whytman, well, this is an honor. Ive never met anyone thats running for president. I got a few buttons here. Yes, please. Gregory whytman strong on womens right to choose, strong on elevator safety. Elevator safety . Elevator safety, yeah. You dont want those to plunge suddenly, you know . No. Can i ask you if you have any particular democratic candidate youre leaning towards right now . No. I mean, its, like, i i like everyone who is, like, running the race. Its quite a few members running for the race right now for the democrats. Can i ask how you feel about Gregory Whytman . Uhhhhh, fine. Hes good. Hes fine . Yeah. Well, thats me. Oh. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. laughs im glad you think im fine cause i doubt that myself sometimes. No. Youre great. Can i ask who youre thinking about voting for in the 2020 election . What you think of elizabeth warren, for example . Who knows . Maybe. How about Pete Buttigieg . Bernie sanders . No . No. Have you heard of Gregory Whytman . Oh, hes okay. Well, thats me. Yeah. Im glad to hear im okay because thats what i was shooting for. My dad said as when i was a kid, he goes, aim for okay. You might just get there. laughs hes never given me the love i need. But anyway. Where are you from . Im actually deputy mayor of waterloo, iowa. I also own a chain of burger kings. No, one burger king. laughs i had a chain. But i lost six of them in a poker game. What issues are important to you . Because i guarantee theyre going to eventually be the issues that are important to me. Help the veterans. Help the veterans, very important. Yes, sir. I never actually served in uniform myself, except i was on the geek squad at best buy where you in from . Spain. Spain. Good country. How do you feel about bullfighting . Id like to bring that to america. I dont like bullfighting. Oh, you dont like it. Im against it, too. I want to bring it here to show how wrong it is and then get rid of it. By the way, im against high taxes partly because i did 12 years in prison for tax evasion. Im doin all right now. laughter i learned my lesson, sort of. Well, were in Law Enforcement, so. Oh, you are . Yeah. Wow maybe ive said too much. Whoa, pornhub. Yeah. laughs you know, im running for president. And pornhubs actually one of my Biggest Campaign donors. How about that . Of course, i give them a lot of business myself. We all do, dont we . Were all honest with ourselves. My wife would be here right now, but were goin through a little bit of a bumpy time. Shes told me in no Uncertain Terms she has feelings for her tennis instructor. Were figuring iout. Were figuring it out. Where you from . From russia. From russia, wow. Do you think your your president putin might consider backing me in the next election. I dont know. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Whats good for you is good for me. So lets stay in touch. All right . Welcome to russia. Hi, there. Hey, kids. Hypothetically, can i count on your vote . Hypothetically. They want to take a picture with me. Thats a good sign, right . Lets get a photo. Oh, absolutely. Hi so can i count on your vote . Yeah. Im putting you on facebook. Right there, vote for this guy . Whats his name . Gregory whytman. cheers and applause stephen well be right back with Tiffany Haddish. It runs on doritos. Want to tr[dog barks]me machine . Okay. Yes [humming, thumping] this is the greatest moment of my life get out of my yard [birds chirping] jimmy . Youre so old. [crunch ] of certain cancers clater in life. K from an infection, Human Papillomavirus i knew that hpv could lead to certain cancers. I knew her risk for hpv increases as she gets older. 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With a better way to track where you spend. Daily cash you get back every day. And a new level of privacy and security. Nice. cheers and applause stephen ladies and gentlemen. Ladies and gentlemen. Smells like a good one. Ladies and gentlemen, youre in for a treat, because my first guest is an Emmy Awardwinning actress and comedian you know from girls trip, the carmichael show, and the last o. G. She now stars in the kitchen. Please welcome back to the late show, our friend, Tiffany Haddish cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen i wish every thats lovely. Ill turn this into a 30 minute dance party. Dont play with me. Stephen i wish every interview started that way. Right. Stephen nice to see the you again. Nice to see you. Stephen how have you been doing . Ive been successful. Stephen yes, i have i have noticed. Congratulations on that. Thank you. Stephen its lovely to watch you be successful. How is the love life . How is the weighted blanket going . We talked about your relationship to a weighted blanket. So me okay, so what had happened was okay, so i still have the weighted blanket. Stephen sure. And ive been talking to a lot of people. Ive been getting relationship advice since the last time i was here. Stephen sure. And john mayer has been giving me relationship advice. Stephen hes had a few relationships. Yes, yes. And he said if theres somebody i like who is in the eye of the public, i should, when im doing interviews, saying im seeing that person and the media will do a sidebyside of us, and the guy will see it, and hell be like, shes kind of cute. Im not hooking up with her, but i could be hooking up with her. And then there will be some kind of interaction. Like, the world will know that i like this person. I will know i like this person, and it will be in his subconscious, and it will attract me to him. cheers and applause stephen that is good. Wait, thats actual advice . Thats actual stephen thats advice from john mayer . Thats actual advice from john mayer. Stephen wow. I understand that theres somebody who is in the public eye, a famous person, who has got your eye. Uhhuh. Stephen and would you care to casually drop their name . Who who have you been seeing these days . Oh, ive been seeing number 27 from the new york yankees. Stephen whats his name . John carlos. Ive been seeing him. Stephen and ive seen pictures of the two of you together the late show. The two of you. They ran thats a picture yeah. Ive been seeing him at babe games. And ive been seeing him on instagram. And ive been seeing him on twitter. Ive been seeing him in my dreams a lot. Stephen wow. Well, there it is. I mean, that proves it. My Graphics Department could have couldnt have put this together if you werent an item at this point. Were together. Stephen right. applause . Stephen he is, number 27, he is 64,