Gaffely cleans up your errors in no time. We choose truth over facts. We choose the truth over love is full no stranger to you instead of voters saying, what a gaffe, theyll be saying, that cartoon pickle can really sing. Also available in republican. We have i dont mind if its wintertime or its summertime applause panting its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, cat 5 crazy. Plus, stephen welcomes jim gaffigan and ann curry featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen wooo hi there stephen thank you ladies and gentlemen. Its good to be back. Jon oh, yeah, its real good to be back. Stephen welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. It does feel good to be back. We just returned from a twoweek break. I didnt watch any news. Hows Kirsten Gillibrand doing . Really . Shes out . Well, thats just more votes for jay inslee. What . but he had glasses he was the one with glasses, right . Okay. Of course, the big story is Hurricane Dorian. Its currently a category 2, but over the weekend, it grew to a category 5 storm that has devastated the bahamas. Its slowly moving off. Our thoughts are with everyone down there tonight. And lets remember them when this is all over. Now, the storm is hovering off the coast of the United States. No one is sure if its going to make landfall or where. And by no one, i mean donald trump. laughter over the weekend, he pelted the American Public with 122 tweets, including dozens of updates about the storm, mixed in with comments about the trade war with china, complaints about james comey, and his annoyance with the actress debra messing. laughter plus his tweets werent overburdened with accuracy. For instance on sunday he tweeted, in addition to florida, South Carolina, north carolina, georgia, and alabama, will most likely be hit much harder than anticipated looking like one of the largest hurricanes ever. Already category 5. Be careful god bless everyone why the all caps . Does he think the storm drowns out his tweets . Really coming down out there, im gonna put the caps lock on. yelling can you read me now . laughter the National Weather service quickly corrected him, tweeting, alabama will not see any impacts from dorian. We repeat, no impacts from Hurricane Dorian will be felt across alabama. applause you know things are bad when the National Weather service has to fact check the president. laughter i cant wait for the day when the u. S. Postal service has to tweet, it is our duty to report that the president was incorrect when he said that packages are mommies and letters are their babies. laughter but trump can never admit that he was wrong about anything, so the next day he fired back, i suggested yesterday at fema that, along with florida, georgia, South Carolina and north carolina, even alabama could possibly come into play, which was true. They made a big deal about this dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot when, in fact, under certain original scenarios, it was, in fact, correct that alabama could have received some hurt. laughter as trump okay, im not wrong. Because at one point, i was right. Under certain scenarios, it could have hit alabama. I know this because i write weather fan fiction. laughter in my version, Hurricane Dorian ends up with hermione. Okay . Its a natural, pretty hot. And the track of the applause thank you. Were back were back, baby jon yeah yeah come on now cheers and applause stephen and the track of the storm wasnt the only thing he got wrong. Heres what he said at a fema briefing on sunday. We dont even know whats coming at us. All we know is its possibly the biggest. I have not sure im not sure that ive ever even heard of a category 5. I knew it existed. And ive seen some category 4s. You dont even see them that much. But a category 5 is something that i dont know that ive ever even heard the term. Stephen as trump i never heard of a category 5. Up until i took office, four was the biggest number. laughter now they inventedol on. I have an idea. Are you ready for this . Six. How have you never heard of a category 5 hurricane when there have been three category 5 hurricanes while youve been president . laughter and you know how i know that . From listening to you not know what they are. I never even knew a category 5 existed. It actually touched down as a category 5. People have never seen anything like that. Nobody has ever heard of a 5 hitting land. Category 5, never heard about category 5s before, a category 5 is big stuff stephen so you have heard of it, and then you havent heard of it. And then you have and then you havent. You have the memory of a goldfish. To go along with the skin tone. To go along. To go along wi. Rue. But President Trump didnt just have wrong ideas about the hurricane. He also had some wrong ideas about what to do about hurricanes. Because weve learned that during one white house meeting about the ongoing threat of hurricanes, trump said, i got it. I got it. Why dont we nuke them . laughter jon no stephen so, the most powerful man in the world wants to nuke the wind. Much like the hurricane, he blew on they start forming off the coast of africa, as theyre moving across the atlantic, we drop a bomb inside the eye of the hurricane, and it disrupts it. Why cant we do that . Oh, oh i know this one because if you nuke a hurricane, you get a radioactive hurricane. laughter applause its like cheers i know what happened. Its like putting chernobyl on jet skis. laughter the solution to one bad thing is not another bad thing. as trump what . Theres an earthquake in Southern California . Got it. Got it. Lets spray los angeles with ebola. Teach that teach that earthquake a lesson. When the president suggested the literal Nuclear Option in the meeting, the people in the room were stunned. According to one person present, you could hear a gnat fart in that meeting. laughter people were astonished. After the meeting ended, we thought, what the bleep . What do we do with this . cheers and applause jon how about that . Stephen get a better president . Because that farting gnat would be a better president. Still, one white house official defended the president , saying, his goal, to keep a catastrophic hurricane from hitting the mainland, is not bad. His objective is not bad. Oh, so if the objective is not bad, it doesnt matter how you achieve it. Its like saying, you know, since grandma died, grandpa has been alone too much. So i sold him to the yakuza. laughter . Jon oh, no. Thats a dark turn there. Stephen hell be very happy there. Will not be alone. Because he sold him to the yakuza. And its not reassuring when you tell us that this is the way the president solves problems. as trump you know what they say if you want to make an omelet, you gotta nuke a few ihops. laughter on the brighter side cheers and applause on the brighter side, weve got an election coming up next year, and other people want trumps job. And ill tell you all about one in tonights doin it donkey style. Right now, the democratic frontrunner is former Vice President and grandpa who was just told the ball pit is for kids only, joe biden. Vice President Biden will be my guest tomorrow night. Looking forward to it, sir. Part of bidens appeal is that he looks like he can beat donald trump. A new National Quinnipiac poll has biden ahead of trump 54 to 38 . cheers and applause yeah 54 38 boom yes j thats what we want to see. Thats what we want to see. Stephen and we all know that pollsters are never wrong. Oh, please, please laughter applause bidens riding high right now. About the only thing that can stop him is his own mouth, because hes make a few gaffes. For instance, while we were on break, the Vice President was campaigning in New Hampshire and he told this story navy captain, navy, navy, up in the mountains in the kunar valley in afghanistan. One of his buddies got shot, fell down a ravine about 60 feet. This guy climbed down a ravine, carried this guy up on his back under fire. And the general wanted me to pin the silver star on him. I got up there and this is the gods truth, my word as a biden he stood at attention. I went to pin him, he said, sir, i dont want the damn thing. Do not pin it on, sir. Please, sir. Do not do that. He died. Stephen it is a moving and heartbreaking story about courage and the humility of an american hero. Theres one problem almost every detail in the story appears to be incorrect. According to the washington post, biden got the time period, the location, the heroic act, the type of medal, the military branch, and the rank of the recipient wrong, as well as his own role in the ceremony. And, look, when you hear that, theres really only one thing to say about joe biden hed be a much better president than donald trump. applause because because donald trump would have gotten it wrong because he was lying, and then he would have given himself the medal. as trump he said, dont pin that on me. Pin it on yourself, President Trump, youre the real hero. biden made another, less publicized gaffe last week when he was talking about donald trump and russia. They invaded another country, and annexed a significant portion of it, called crimea. Hes saying that it was president. My boss. That it was his fault. Stephen it wasnt the only time he bobbled the obama. Heres biden defending the Affordable Care act in july they are saying, if youre satisfied with your employerbased health care, you got to give it up. Look, we provide a medicare option. Thats exactly what rap rock and i talked about. Stephen what . Rap rock . Im sorry. The former president is not rap rock obama. This is rap rock obama. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Jim gaffigan is here. But when we return meanwhile. Join us. The wait is finally over. The new Samsung Galaxy note 10 with the powerful s pen has arrived at sprint. And you get it for 50 off when you switch. Another foodie trip. Who even cares . Iting ith g loss, 211 people. Thanks, captain obvious. Dont hatelike their trip, book yours with hotels. Com and get rewarded basically everywhere. That fish is done, carol. Hotels. Com. Be there. Do that. Get rewarded. Did you know you can save money by using dish soap to clean grease on more than dishes . Try dawn ultra. Dawn is for more than just dishes. With 3x more grease cleaning power per drop, it tackles tough grease on a variety of surfaces. Try dawn ultra. Tlets go mets go time daddy [ giggling ] ohhhh man. Took my hat off. [ to love somebody by bee gees playing ] thats crazy [ crowd cheering ] [ screaming ] lets go mets [ cheering ] what sore muscles . What with advpounding head . Advil is. Relief thats fast. Strength that lasts. What sore muscles . What with advpyoull ask. What pain . With advil. Well well well, what have we here . A magical place. Thats lookin to get scared with bats. And ghouls. And cars in disguise. Ive cast quite a spell now. You wont believe your eyes the spell is cast. Halloween time is back with spooktacular experiences in disneyland and disney california Adventure Parks . band playing Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody. Right there that man amazing. Oh, goodness. Oh, goodness gracious. Goodness gravies. You guys sound good. How have you been, jon . How was your two weeks off . Jon oh, man, it was farm hat chillin. Stephen whats the farm . Jon the farm is all over new york, in connecticut. Just cruising around trying to get some fresh air. Stephen i was on some farms, too. I was on a sheep farm and a horse farm all in iceland. You have ever been . Jon no, ive got to get out there. Stephen unbelievably beautiful. Unbelievably beautiful. They actually believe in elves there. Jon oh, really. Stephen they say theyre tall, really beautiful, and have really nice clothes like you. Jon me, i could be an elf, right here. Stephen unbelievable, unbelievable, if you like pickled food, you gotta go. Jon im into it. Stephen you know, jim gaffigan is here. Jon oh, yeah. cheers and applause stephen hes an uplifting guy. Also joe biden is here tomorrow. I said that in the monologue. But joe biden is going to be here tomorrow, one of my favorite guests. The democratic frontrunner is going to be here tomorrow night. Because what do we say . The road to the white house goes right past this deck. You know, i spend biggest, fattest nuggets of news gold to fashion you the finely crafted comedy tiara that is my monologue. Every once in a while, i like to gather up some loose beads, sea shells, some old bits of lego and macaroni, a little brightly colored yarn, and throw together the dollar store friendship bracelet of news that is my segment meanwhile. Amazing. Never fails. Never fails its like its automatic. Meanwhile, lebron james recently filed a trademark for the term taco tuesday, apparently because his affinity for tacos is well known, as he often posts taco tuesday on instagram. Lebron, you know i respect you, but just because you love something and do it a lot doesnt mean you can trademark it. Otherwise, i would own the rights to the phrase its bourbon oclock. Whoops, its already ten past bourbon oclock. applause time really flies when youre constantly drinking bourbon. laughter time also crawls on its knees. Meanwhile, its time for our new meanwhile subsegment pope in an elevator and why is it time for pope in an elevator because the pope got stuck in an elevator. Im surprised they dont get stuck more often, given how heavy the elevators are at the vatican. Fourth floor, pietas and absolutions. laughter absolution. No. No. Thank you, no. applause thank you. And it was harrowing. Before being rescued, the pope was trapped for 25 minutes. That is long enough to rattle you. Dear god, if you get me out of here, i promise to pray every day. I know i havent always been the best catholic. This stalled elevator is why in an emergency you always take the stairway to heaven. laughter applause jon yeah, yeah, yeah stephen meanwhile, a man was arrested in Singapores Changi airport for buying a ticket just to wave his wife off at the gate. It explains their motto Changi Airport we hate love. Now, if youre unfamiliar with Changi Airport, its famously beautiful. It has an onsite butterfly dome, a 40meter waterfall, and one of asias largest indoor gardens. Hey, we have great stuff at our airports, too. I will remind you that the aunt annes at laguardias terminal b is sometimes not being cited for health violations. Sometimes. Changi airport also has a 14,000squaremeter canopy park, complete with a suspension bridge, topiary, and mazes just what i want at an airport mazes. Hurry up and get in the car, kids. The airline says we need to get there two days before our flight meanwhile, a Catholic School in nashville, tennessee, has banned the Harry Potter Series because a reverend at the school claims the books include spells which, if read by a human, can conjure evil spirits. Well, thats absurd. If j. K. Rowling could craft actual magic spells, she would have made the crimes of grindelwald a better movie. laughter applause so with come on. Come on so with harry potter gone from the library i guess those Tennessee School kids will have to go back to the magic of judy blume. Expecto menstruation well be right back with jim gaffigan. Charmin ultra soft its softer than ever. Charmin ultra soft is softer than ever. So its harder to resist. Okay, this is getting a little weird. Enjoy the go with charmin boots up as fast as 6 seconds when youre running late . At whispers its switching time or how about a battery that lasts up to 12 hours . Order up now were cooking. Or how about one with virus protection built in . Which. Would be helpful. Right. About. Now. [ soft piano music playing ] mm, uh, what do you do for fun . Not this. Oh, what am i into . Mostly progressives name your price tool. Helps people find Coverage Options based on their budget. 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Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is an actor and comedian who is one of the most popular standups in the world. He now stars in the new film american dreamer. Please welcome back to the late show, mr. Gaffigan. applause y steugo. Im t a hugger. Stephen we almost hugged. We almost hugged. I dont know if i can stop there. Stephen im in show business. You know. Stephen how are you . Im good. Stephen end of the summer, end of the summer. Did you have summer fun. Did you put the whole tribe in the family truckster . I did some shows in europe and i brought the whole family. Stephen ohlala. Because i didnt want to make money. Stephen the wife and the five kids . Five kids. Stephen all to europe . All to europe. And it was amazing. I did some shows in spain where i grew up. And so i didnt grow up there. laughter . Stephen they dont know. They dont know jim gaffigan. They dont know. But spain stephen wait, wait. Youre not doing your stuff in d english. laughter stephen nicely done. Nicely done. But spain was amazing. Of course, its they call it espannia. I think its strange th