Wait a minute. Im beginning to think this sandwich shortage is a marketing ploy to get us to buy more chicken. I mean, popeyes is a Fried Chicken restaurant, how can they run out of Fried Chicken . Its all they have. Anyway, your mission, should you accept it, get me a popeyes chicken sandwich. Casualty count is inconsequential. Hold on. There was something else, had to do with a russian sub. Oh, so hard to think when im so hungry announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, alabama. Plus stephen welcomes mayor Pete Buttigieg and Graham Norton, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen whoo please have a seat, everybody welcome one and all to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause the big story continues to be hurricane dorian. Its currently a category 2 spinning off the coast of the carolinas, after devastating the bahamas over the weekend. Everyones thoughts are with the people down there. Well, everyone but donald trumps. laughter because hes still obsessed with alabama. laughter jon man, get over that. Stephen over the weekend, he got into it with the National Weather service over whether alabama was in the path of the storm. He said it was, they said, you crazy, so yesterday he tried to prove his point with an outdated map which he had personally altered with a sharpie. laughter he drew, like, a tumor on it that looked stupid and kind of sad, so last night trump tweeted out this map with the message this was the originally projected path of the hurricane in its early stages. As you can see, almost all models predicted it to go through florida also hitting georgia and alabama. I accept the fake news apologies laughter cheers and applause pump your breaks there, al roker. No ones apologizing because that map doesnt prove anything. First of all, its not from the National Oceanic and atmospheric administration, its from the south Florida Water management district. laughter thats like getting your m. R. I. At glamor shots. laughter im perfectly healthy and my spleen looks great in a feather boa. Plus, right at the bottom of the map it says, National Hurricane center advisories and county Emergency Management statements supersede this product. If anything on this graphic causes confusion, ignore the entire product. cheers and applause piano riff strong stuff. Strong statements. Strong statement. Though, i got to say, entire product is a very disrespectful way to describe the president of the United States. laughter so, as the storm surge was flooding charleston, trump stayed laserfocused on where it might have used to have been. He tweeted out four maps from noaa with the caption just as i said, alabama was originally projected to be hit. The fake news denies it those maps are from a week ago. You made your dumb alabama tweet two days later, when the maps looked like this when it was clearly not going anywhere near alabama so once again, all weather models show 100 likelihood that the path of your head goes straight where the sun dont shine. laughter cheers and applause piano riff he also retweeted an Alabama National guard tweet from six days ago, warning alabamans about the storm, with the message i was with you all the way alabama. The Fake News Media was not laughter how lovely hes comforting imaginary victims of a disaster that never happened as trump i stand with all victims of the kaisers assault on narnia. laughter the fake news never talks about all the zeppelins he didnt send to kill poor mr. Tumnus. laughter the storm surge has come ashore in the country he governs. Hundreds of thousands of people without power. Whats he going to be like when he visits victims of the storm . as trump so sad to see the damage here in south carolina, or as many call it, east alabama. laughter jon goodness. Come on cheers and applause stephen just give it up why wont he just let it go . piano riff then again, to be fair, trump wasnt the only one tweeting dumb stuff about the hurricane. So was democratic candidate and woman punching herself with love, marianne williamson. laughter yesterday, williamson tweeted the bahamas, florida, georgia and the carolinas may all be in our prayers now. Millions of us seeing dorian turn away from land is not a wacky idea; it is a creative use of the power of the mind. laughter yes. The power of the mind. So trump wants to nuke hurricanes, which is obviously crazy. Marianne williamson knows the only true defense against a hurricane is a giant, coastal dreamcatcher. laughter williamson deleted the tweet, which is not very president ial. Trump hasnt even deleted his tweet from last week that spelled majority as, majo titty. laughter applause yeah. Jon he should have deleted that one. Stephen thats what trump thought he was drawing on that hurricane map. as trump majo titty. Thank you for your service, majo titty. laughter but in a lighter side of the hurricane, due to the storm police in florida say 16 cocaine bricks have washed up on two beaches. Which explains why the cbs weatherman in florida looks like this. laughter applause jon oh, man stephen yeah mostly they hire carnies down there. laughter speaking of bad weather, last night cnn hosted a series of town halls on Climate Change. And they hyped it like it was the end of the world, which it is. An unprecedented democratic president ial town hall event, climate crisis, biden, warren sanders, harris, buttigieg. Klobuchar, booker, orourke, yang, castro. Stephen as intense announcer sleepy, dopey, dancer, prancer, vixen, leonardo, donatello, and the mormon tabernacle choir the entire event was apparently broadcasting from lower orbit. laughter not a comforting sign when the leaders who believe in Climate Change look like they are fleeing the planet. laughter when it was bernies turn to take on Climate Change, he urged americans to think of the children. Nobody in this room, just think about it, 30 years from now, wants to look your kid or grandchildren in the eye and have that child say to you, you know, grandpa, you knew, you knew back in 2020, 2019 what the scientists were saying. You didnt do anything. And look what you created. Stephen as bernie 30 years from now, i dont want to look my grandchildren in the eye, because they will be terrified of me. I will be 143 yearsold. I will be, thanks to the miracles of modern science, i will be 1 man, 99 robotic lion. laughter i dont know why. I dont know why. laughter applause then senator Kamala Harris laid down some hard truths. Do you ban Plastic Straws . I think we should, yes. I mean, look, im going to be honest its really difficult to drink out of a paper straw, like, if you dont gull up it down immediately, it starts to bend, and then the little thing catches it. So, we got to kind of perfect that one a little bit more. Stephen yes thank you laughter obviously obviously, weve got a crisis, and my apologies to the planet, and future generations, but if the choice comes down to killing all life or the possibility that my jamba juice might be difficult to drink, spray my mouth silver and strap me to a mad maxmobile. Witness me cheers and applause joe biden also had stuff to say about Climate Change. Unfortunately, no one heard any of it because we were all too distracted by his bleeding left eye. Oh, my god is that what Climate Change is going to do to us . laughter ill separate my plastics, ill drive a roomba to work, just dont take my eyes laughter now, what happened there was probably a broken blood vessel, happens to a lot of people, looks scary but is usually harmless. Still, biden can use it to his advantage with a strong new slogan biden 2020 unite beneath the eye of blood. laughter applause some people speculated that the Vice President s eye cracked under the pressure of tough and unrelenting questions. Theyre right, but not cnns. Because biden was on my show earlier in the night, and we broadcast the first appearance of bloodeye joe cheers and applause okay . Right here. Right here. applause i wish the Vice President a speedy recovery, and i cant wait to see what kind of strange ailment tonights guest, Pete Buttigieg, debuts on my show. Cmonnn, vestigial twin laugh he could be his own running mate we have an exciting update about former trump deputy assistant, Sebastian Gorka, seen here dancing like no ones watching. While gorka worked in the whitef having links to hungarian farright groups, and wore a medal at trumps inaugural ball that has been linked to nazi colluders. So good guy. Gorka left the white house two years ago in disgrace. But i just want to tell all the people who have worked in the trump administration, that your reputation may be destroyed, but there is still a Bright Future waiting for you. And Sebastian Gorka is living it. Sebastian gorka here. I have never before endorsed a pain reliever. But when pete and seth talbot, the father and son owners of relief factor, asked me to endorse their 100 drugfree product, i absolutely couldnt say no. Stephen as gorka literally, i couldnt say no. I really needed the money. My cousin miklos kicked me off his futon and i couldnt afford to pay my bill to cricket wireless. laughter now, we joke, but it does say right on the screen dr. Sebastian gorka. So you can trust his medical advice because he is a doctor of political science. laughter so remember, when he puts on that rubber glove and tells you to bend over, hes just conducting a poll. laughter applause goo and its not like gorkas out there selling snake oil. Its fish oil. laughter makes sense fish never get achy joints in their arms and legs but now that gorka has established himself as a spokesman, i look forward to his further endorsements. as gorka laughter cheers and applause supplements. Rka here for when a shadowy pillman in an alley waved a greasy bag of cash at me, i couldnt refuse and i know what youre thinking, what is this accent . Former centaur. Before i took lubramax, my feet were hooves gorka again ill tell you what you want, what you really, really want barimen antifungal foot and face cream. The only antifungal cream endorsed by the hungarian nazi party. laughter its rich in vitamin zed. Take it from dr. Sebastian gorka, please take it. If i hold it too long my hand begins to burn. laughter still gorkin it this time for colonel rootentoots natural male enhancement. laughter ingredients include turmeric blood, and soil. May your erection last a thousand years cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Mayor Pete Buttigieg is here. But when we come back, meanwhile. cheers and applause band playing good morning. Good night. The allnew versa the most techadvanced car in its class. This is nissan intelligent mobility. The cat is like reaching absfor the handle. Its got the accents of gold. The beloved trolley. Sometimes you have to say like. Do it again. [ upbeat music ] in a jimmy johns delivery zone. 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Sure, why not. laughter each night, i stand right over there and i take the biggest stories of the day and bake them into the gorgeous, artisanal baguette of news that is my monologue. But once in a while, i like to gather up all the end pieces, toss em in a generously buttered cake pan, throw in some egg batter, melted butter, sugar, cinnamon, and vanilla, and bake it into the soft, caramelly, raisinflecked newspudding that is my segment meanwhile cheers and applause there it is. There it is. Like old faithful. Like a geyser of joy. Jon a geyser. Stephen meanwhile, we all know how much the white house likes to punish journalists by banning them from the press corps. Well, on tuesday, a federal judge said nope and ordered the white house to immediately restore the press credentials of brian karem, a playboy columnist. This is a victory for journalists everywhere. Although, personally, im unfamiliar with mr. Karems work. I only read playboy for the nudity. laughter applause meanwhile, ben and jerrys has a new flavor to highlight what it calls structural Structural Racism and a broken criminal justice system. No i dont eat ben and jerrys to feel bad about our countrys problems. I eat it to feel nothing as i descend into a sugar coma. laughter cheers and applause thats why i never enjoyed their flavor highlighting totalitarian regimes systemic brutaliberry. laughter looks good, though. Meanwhile, a photo of ivanka trump went viral yesterday. She was on an official visit to colombia to meet with the their Vice President and National Defense minister, but when wind hit her dress sleeves, it resulted in this photo. laughter i assumed that is her natural defense when she feels threatened. Sleeves up, neck pouch. laughter applause jon whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa oh stephen but i couldnt help notice how much her arms sticking out of those sleeve covers look like anthurium flowers. laughter which, when you think about it, is so appropriate, because just like ivanka, the anthurium flower is beautiful, elegant, and has no business representing the United States with foreign leaders. cheers and applause jon come on, now come on, now stephen meanwhile, somehow, on new york citys east river, a single tomato plant has sprouted on a piling by the brooklyn bridge. Oh, great, the rats are gardening now. laughter well be right back with mayor Pete Buttigieg. cheers and applause band playing twentieth reunion. And these new highrise slim straights are it. Take that jane fineberg. Take what . Jane i see youre still a weirdo. Made a whole career of it babe. Shop up to 50 off jeans. Thats up to 50 off. Now at old navy. 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Advil pm cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the showgram, already broadcasting across this great nation of ours, plus alaska and hawaii. cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is a rhodes scholar, navy veteran, twoterm mayor of south bend, indiana, and is currently running for president. Please welcome, mayor Pete Buttigieg cheers and applause band playing stephen thanks for coming back. Sure thing. Stephen nicely to see you again. Good to be back. Stephen you know, the last time you were here, people didnt know a lot about you at the time. You just had gotten into the race, mayor of south bend, who is this guy . We had you on, when you left, i turned to my producer over there and i said, wow, i really felt like that guy was giving me real answers, what he thought, he was really there. cheers and applause because a lot of politicians can be very mannered, very practiced. Now that you have been on the campaign trail for a while, how real are you . laughter or do you have handlers messaging you all the time . Its all gone. Its all programmed now. laughter no, it just takes so much work to be someone they tell you to be, and being myself has worked out pretty well. Stephen well, how long has it been since you declared . We started the committee the january and in april we launched officially. Stephen so were about five months in now. How has the trail been treating you because it can be rough. Its a lot of work and fun right now. This is where were really building the ground game, were in iowa opening 20 offices in 20 days. Were meeting the same folks more than once, getting to know him. I was reunited with a kid who smacked me in the face recently. laughter stephen what happened . We were opening an office in cedar rapids, this woman has a toddler in her arms. She said do you remember my son . I said, hes familiar. She said hes the one who smacked you in the face. I said, i remember. They brought him, he was on a rope line, i was shaking hands after a speech. When i meet a kid, its good to have them give you a high five, not old enough for a hand shake. I misjudged. The kid was not quite old enough to get the highfive concept, and, so, he just whacked me. And he was kind of aware enough to know from everybodys reaction thats not what he was supposed to do and then he curled up and was shy and started to cry. I said, its okay. It didnt hurt, it will be fi