Firstly, sir, i just thumped the back of Louie Gohmerts head as i was coming over here. And although his rind is still hard, i do hear a sloshing sound in there. Do you believe that Louie Gohmerts head is an overripe melon and would best serve our country by rotting on a compost heap . Yes. laughter and applause stephen sir, is it true that President Trump is the most corrupt and dishonest president of the last 100 years . That is generally correct, yes. laughter and applause stephen in the last 200 years . Yes. Stephen is donald trump the most corrupt president in all parallel universes, alternate dimensions, and nether realms . If it is in the report, that is accurate. laughter stephen yeah, yeah, its in there. Switching gears, sir, do you think if you put a top hat on that man over your Left Shoulder right there, he would resemble rich uncle penny bags . Yes. laughter stephen lets find out bell rings applause mr. Chairman, let the record show that it does. Thank you. Now, mr. Mueller, youve also investigated the president s son, don jr. Yes. Stephen how would you characterize the contents of don jr. s skull . Vacuum. laughter stephen sir, to you, what is more disturbing, donald trump welcoming interference from the russians in our election, or the trailer for cats . Donald trump. Stephen finally, sir, youve been investigating the president for over two years. Can you say anything complimentary about donald trump . Id have to pass on that. Stephen thank you, sir. Ill now yield my time to the opening credits. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, the mueller retort. Plus, stephen welcomes Chris Wallace. And jamie bell. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert band playing cheers and applause stephen beautiful happy wednesday, my friend. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Our viewers out there, around the world. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert today, special Counsel Robert Mueller testified for six hours in front of two different Congressional Committees. It was a marathon. I know my nipples were bleeding. laughter the the first bombshell of the day wasnt even from Robert Mueller. It was about Robert Mueller. Robert mueller, 74 years old, as we mentioned, former vietnam veteran, marine. Also known as bobby three sticks. Because he is robert. Mueller iii. Stephen bobby three sticks . laughter i had no idea three sticks Robert Mueller has a gangster nickname. Eh, not for nothin, but bobby three sticks is keeping an eye on big donny fish lips, head of the trumpbino crime family. Rumor has it donny fish lips is in cahoots with vladdy noshirt. laughter big, big vladdy. Judiciary Committee Chair jerry nadler got things started, asking mueller why trump refused to sit for an interview. Did the president refuse a request to be interviewed by you and your team . Yes. Yes. And is it true you tried for more than a year to secure an interview with the president . Yes. But the president still refused to sit for an interview by you and your team . True. True. laughter stephen theres no need to yell, sir. laughter so, trump refused to sit for an interview, but mueller didnt mention that trump had an air tight excuse. as trump i wouldve loved to sit for an interview, but i came down with a tragic case of mouth spurs. laughter now, one goal cheers and applause yeah. One goal for the democrats was to get mueller to make clear that trumps claim that he was exonerated was not true. The report did not conclude that he did not commit obstruction of justice. Is that correct . That is correct. And what about total exoneration . Did you actually totally exonerate the president . No. Can you explain in plain terms what that finding means so the American People can understand it . Well, the finding indes that the president , uh, was not, uh that the president was not exculp exculpated for the acts that he allegedly committed. Stephen come on laughter come on exculpated . Did you not hear the guy say, so the American People can understand it did your granddaughter give you a word of the day calendar . Come on cheers and applause exculpated exculpated . Just use america talk, by which i mean emojis. Orange. Handcuffs. laughter we need simple slogans. You know, nike just do it, wheaties breakfast of champions, trump the worst a man can get. Then cheers and applause jon gotta let it out. Stephen then attention turned to one of the key figures of don jr. s trump tower meeting with the russians who offered the Campaign Dirt kremlin connected lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya laughter but Ohio Republican steve chabot didnt seem to know that. One of the key players in the june 2016 trump tower meeting was natalia vesinetska. Vesinetskia. Stephen as congressman now, you reported that the Trump Campaign had multiple contacts with russian lawyer natasha vespa mcskynet . Natalivin la vida loca . laughter napa russian lawyer napa valley legolas . laughter and she worked for vladamoid pudding pop . laughter but mueller had his own problems at the hearing mostly, trouble hearing. Could you repeat that, please . Can you repeat the question . Can you read the last question . Im sorry, could you, again, repeat the question . Again, can you repeat the question . That went a little fast for me. Stephen its Like Congress is talking to its grandpa. laughter im afraid youll have to speak up. These old ears arent what they used to be, and neither is our system of checks and balances. Now go fetch me some peanut brittle, and theres a shiny buffalo nickel in it for you you whipper whippersnapper. applause now laughter out of character that quick. laughter now, according to Justice Department guidelines, you cant indict a sitting president. Not allowed to do it. But that doesnt last forever. Could you charge the president with a crime after he left office . Yes. You believe that he committed you could charge the president of the United States with obstruction of justice after he left office . Yes. Stephen i think, i think cheers and applause very simple appetites. Theyre simple people, easy to please. cheers well, think trump has a new Campaign Slogan trump 2020 im too pretty for jail laughter republicans kept hammering mueller about how many of his team were democrats, and eventually, hed had enough. Ive been in this business for almost 25 years, and in those 25 years, i have not had occasion once to ask someone about their political affiliation. It is not done. What i care about is the capability of the individual do the job and do the job quickly and seriously and with integrity. Stephen cares about people doing their jobs. cheers and applause there you have it. There it is. Cares about people doing their jobs quickly, seriously, and with integrity. He just admitted hes biased the democrats talked a lot about trump obstructing justice by trying to fire Robert Mueller multiple times. But republican debbie lesko had a clinching question. Were you ever fired, mr. Mueller . Stephen aha laughter what a brilliant legal strategy as lawyer your honor, theres been a lot of talk in this courtroom today about attempted murder. But i ask the victim, have you ever been murdered . No the defense rests. cheers and applause the special counsel was vague all morning long. In fact, just in the first half of his testimony, mueller declined or deflected questions 123 times. I know thats frustrating, but thats just how bobby three sticks rolls. laughter i mean, just take a look at this old note he passed in high school laughter after a brief break, the House Intelligence Committee got a chance to question mueller. But before they did, mueller made it clear what he would and would not talk about. I, therefore, will not be able to answer questions about certain areas that i know are of public interest. For example, i am unable to address questions about the opening of the f. B. I. s russia investigation, which occurred months before my appointment, or matters related to the socalled steele dossier. Stephen as mueller and since i cannot talk about anything the public is interested in, i also will not be addressing the behavior of luke p. On the bachelorette, the new collaboration between jayz and meek mill, and i defer any questions about jane as thor to nick fury and my colleagues at shield. cheers and applause i got to i got to work on my mueller. I got to work on my impression. Schiff asked one of the biggest questions surrounding the investigation. When donald trump called your investigation a witch hunt, that was also false, was it not . Like to think so, yes. Well, your investigation is not a witch hunt, is it . It is not a witch hunt. Stephen not a witch hunt. Oh, and im being told we have some footage of the president s response. Im melting, melting laughter cheers and applause stephen thats nice jon cant stand the rain against my window stephen as trump my beautiful wickedness. Republican representative mike turner tried to nail mueller on the fact that, as special counsel, he didnt technically have the power to exonerate the president. You have no more power to declare him exonerated than you have the power to declare him anderson cooper. Stephen please dont declare donald trump anderson cooper. I really dont want that image in my mind. laughter and im being told theyve already made it. laughter its an improvement. Jon aw, man. Stephen everyone knew this was a historic day, especially the woman filming it on her phone. laughter that womans name . Cspan 2. When congressman turner tried to attack mueller with some legal mumbojumbo about who has the power to exonerate a suspect, mueller deftly stepped aside. Mr. Mueller, would you agree with me that the attorney general does not have the power to exonerate . Uh, im going to pass on that. You would not disagree with me when i say that there is no place that the attorney general has the power to exonerate, and hes not been given that authority . You would not disagree. Again, im not going to i take your question. Stephen as mueller i take your question, i put it in a box marked who cares . and i throw it into go to hell canyon. applause it was hard to pin mueller down on anything that wasnt specifically written in his report. But then representative quigley from illinois, presented mueller with trump quotes praising wikiaks, which released stolen documents to sway the election in trumps favor. Wikileaks. I love wikileaks. Donald trump, october 10, 2016. This wikileaks stuff is unbelievable. Boy, i love reading those wikileaks. Donald trump november 4, 2016. Would any of those quotes disturb you, mr. Director . I. Im not certain i would say how do you react to that . Well, its probably problematic is an understatement in terms of what it displays in terms of, uh, giving some i dont know hope, or some boost to what is and should be illegal activity. Stephen thar she blows laughter an actual opinion cheers and applause ready the harpoons, boys hooray and up she rises hooray and up she rises hooray cheers and applause he actually he actually expressed an opinion and its a big one. Remember, problematic is an understatement is a pretty scathing indictment from a man whose version of i love you is probably its safe to say there is some fondness. laughter at that point, the hearing took a strange turn. After four hours of raw partisanship, the United States congress did something really odd. They started to worry about the United States. This concern for country was lead off by texas republican will hurd. In your investigation did you think that this was a single attempt by the russians to get involved in our election, or did you find evidence to suggest that they will try to do this again . Oh, it wasnt a single attempt. Theyre doing it as we sit here. Stephen which explains why the next question was from representative oleg americaman. laughter the hes a good guy. Hes a good guy. Youd like him. The Mueller Report was not able to find that trump broke the law, but it made it abundantly clear that trump welcomed the help of those who were breaking the law. And that troubled vermonts peter welch. My concern is, have we established a new normal from this past campaign that is going to apply to future campaigns, so that if any one of us running for the u. S. House, any candidate for the u. S. Senate, any candidate for the presidency of the United States, aware that a hostile foreign power is trying to influence an election, has no duty to report that to the f. B. I. Or other authorities . I hope go ahead. I hope this is not the new normal, but i fear it is. Stephen oh, god. audience reacts thats bad. I hope its not the new normal, but i fear it is. Thats just chilling. Its also the slogan for the new taco bell steak reaper ranch fries burrito. laughter i hope this is not the new normal, but i fear it is. cheers and applause you gotta keep it light. Gotta keep it light. Jon yeah, yeah. Gotta keep it. Stephen i could go for one. I could go for one of those right now. Then, at the very end of the hearing, chairman schiff asked mueller whether merely not being able to prove the president colluded with a foreign power is enough. From your testimony today, i gather that you believe that knowingly accepting foreign assistance during a president ial campaign is an unethical thing to do. And a crime. And a crime. In certain circumstances, yes. And a crime, given certain circumstances. Stephen yes, its a crime in certain circumstances. For instance, in america, right now. laughter weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause Chris Wallace is here. But when we return, what did President Trump think of the hearing . Stick around. Ill tell you. Buckle up for some insurance themed fun at Progressive Park children yeah announcer ride the totally realistic traffic jam. Beep, beep, beep, beep children traffic jam announcer and the worlds first never bump bumper cars. Children never bump announcer its a real savings hootenanny with options that fit your budget. Thats fun for the whole family. Announcer only at progressive par. Maybe an insurance park was a bad idea. Yeah. Yep. See ya later. Im outalright. Fellas. Hello, are you the locksmith . Yes i am. Come on in. I think we were able to salvage the lock. [ shouting ] muchas gracias. Ya tu sabes. [ laughing ] the pink . Lets go mets go time daddy [ giggles ] number six, number six. Ohhhh man. Took my hat off. [ to love somebody by bee gees playing ] [ crowd cheering ] thats crazy lets go mets lets go mets [ crowd chanting ] lets go mets wherever you are. Whatever youre craving. Doordash has the most restaurants across america. Delivered to your door. Wherever your door happens to be. Download doordash. First order, 0 delivery fee. Delicious, delivered. With apples mand cinnamon notes. And ignite your mood. True fragrance. Crafted only by glade. S. C. Johnson. [ song johnny cash, th sthese are my people these are the ones who will reach for the stars these are my people by the light of the earth, you can tell they are ours a new step to take and a new day will break yes, these are my people band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody. Give it up for the band. The Mighty Sparrow the Mighty Sparrow jon, i say, once again tonight, once again tonight. Jon oh, yeah. Stephen were honored to be joined by the great Valerie Simpson over there on the keyboards. Thank you so much cheers and applause jon Valerie Simpson stephen its a hot one. Its a vibe. Welcome back, everybody. Its one of those nights we have too much monologue, we gotta do it twice. Where are we now . So the mueller hearing came to an end after almost six hours, and after it was over, trump exploded on twitter truth is a force of nature laughter yes. So is global warming, and you deny them both. Jon oh. cheers and applause stephen a few hours later, trump addressed the testimony in todays session of chopper talk. Now, trump said he wasnt going to watch, or maybe a little bit. Trump may not have been watching the same thing i did, because he thought it went well for him. This was a very big day for our country. I very much appreciate those incredible warriors that you watched today on television, republicans that defended. Something, because they were really defending our country. Stephen as trump and by our country, i mean me. For i am the state, and all who oppose me are traitors who shall be hurled into the darkness where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth. Oops, im giving away my Third Term Campaign strategy. laughter ive said too much. Jon wow. Oh, my goodness stephen and, he gave his official review. Mueller had no material to work with, and he did a horrible job. Stephen as trump he had no material, except for the hoax report, which completely exonerates me, based on a total witch hunt, which found no collusion witch hoax. laughter applause but not only not only did he thats all right, thats all right. Not only did the president dislike what old bobby three sticks said, he disliked the way he said it. This was one of the worst performances in the history of our country. Stephen sir, i think this is one of the worst performances in the history of our country. laughter well be right back with Chris Wallace cheers and applause mom vo we fit a lot of life into our subaru forester. dad its good to be back. mom it sure is. mom vo over the years, we trusted it to carry and protect the things that were most important to us. We always knew we had a lot of life ahead of us. mom remember this . m