Its erratic foreign policy. Its love of cheeseburgers. Youre not allowed to own cows anymore. And its inaccurate weather. And it wont stop talking. Im the best plant. I am the smartest plant. Bigly shop of horrors. Vote for me. Coming for you in 2020. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, boltin bolton. Plus, stephen welcomes ansel elgort and jodi kantor and megan twohey featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen come on wooo hi, there. cheers and applause stephen lovely, lovely welcome, one and all. To the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. And i have never, ever i have never been more grateful for the president s pettiness and stupidity. laughter because today he was spidly tty engh to save us from a very smart warmonger. Im talking about National Security adviser and last walrus on the beach without a mate, john bolton. laughter today, with no public preamble, the president tweeted, i informed john bolton last night that his services are no longer needed at the white house. laughter cheers and applause and another another goodbye another trumpling bites the dimpling of dirt. laughter trump goes through staffers like a high 17yearold goes through little debbie swiss rolls. We knew there was bound to be conflict between these two guys like two rams butting heads. It was going to happen eventually because trump was very down on our middle eastern wars, whereas bolton has never seen a patch of sand he didnt want to make glow. In fact, trump has long complained privately that mr. Bolton was too willing to get the United States into another war, with trump saying behind the scenes, if it was up to john, wed be in four wars now. laughter and im already in so many wars trade war. Cupcake war. Im in a flame war with chrissy tiegen, and world war ii, what if the nazis had won . Plus, back in may, trump said this john is a he has strong views on things, but thats okay. I actually temper john, which is pretty amazing, isnt it . Nobody thought that was going to hap im the one that tempers him. Stephen so, donald trump is the voice of reason . laughter as trump john, john. Youre talking crazy, okay . Now, can we please get back to discussing windmill cancer. Trump concluded, and, therefore dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot i asked john for his resignation, which was given to me this morning. Okay, the president is making a simple statement of fact, so its probably a lie. laughter because 12 minutes after trumps announcement, bolton tweeted, i offered to resign last night, and President Trump said, lets talk about it tomorrow. laughter oh, john yes, john, well talk tomorrow. Now, i want you to look into the distance while i tell you about rabbits. laughter steinbeck reference. The announcement was a complete surprise, especially since the tweet came about 90 minutes before bolton was expected to appear at a press briefing with secretary of state mike pompeo and treasury secretary steven mnuchin. Oh, no. You left the nuch hanging . laughter as mnuchin im sorry john bolton couldnt be here. John bolton couldnt be here today. Instead, the role of National Security advisor will be filled by this task rabbit i hired. For ten bucks an hour, he gives National Security advice and assembles ikea furniture and tells us who to bomb. Back in march of 2018, bolton almost wasnt hired in the first place. Apparently, mr. Trump hesitated, in part because of his negative reaction to mr. Boltons walrusstyle mustache. Ironically, while bolton is leaving, the mustache is staying on as stephen millers new hairpiece. cheers and applause its youthifying. Trump promised, i will be naming a new National Security advisor next week. Who will it be . Well, we know trump picked bolton because he saw him on fox news. So get ready for National Security adviser, my pillow guy. laughter and as he thought about dumping his current National Security advisor, trump started reminiscing about his ex former National Security advisor h. R. Mcmaster, seen here showing hes willing to sit down with americas enemies. Because its been reported that trump began calling h. R. Mcmaster last year, to say he misses him. laughter as trump its been so different since you left. Now when they say, h. R. Wants to talk to you, its for much worse reasons. laughter after dispatching bolton to the white house boneyard, trump addressed the conference of historically black colleges and universities. I did note see that one coming. He gave a mostly onprompter address, except for a few unscheduled mouth detours. You have never stopped working to improve this country and you der the government. You have to just keep going. Stephen i think his brain just tried to hit the brakes then spun out on a patch of ice. as trump you have done so much for thhiiss derrraaaauuurrrr. laughter haaah. Brrr just keep going. Theyll never know you sneeeerrrrourrrrammmm. Then trump bailed out his sinking canoe, and told those in attendance to keep their feet on the ground and reach for the lowest stars they can. Nasa is expanding outreach to h. B. C. U. Students who want to become scientists, engineers, and even astronauts. I dont know about the astronaut. I dont want to be an astronaut. How about you . Does anybody want to be an astronaut . Stephen what kind of president are you . laughter what the hell are you talking about for petes sake, being an astronaut is the stereotypically american aspiration for greatness. You dont want to be an astronaut . Oh, im sorry. Youd rather be a cosmonaut. I forgot. Trump then applause i forgot. I forgot. laughter trump then took time to recognize some folks in the room and some that were not in the room. I also want to recognize our terrific executive director of the white houses h. B. C. U. s initiative, jonathan holifield. Where is jonathan. applause and i want to tell you, Evander Holyfield is a friend of mine, and he could fight. You always knew when you went in the ring with evander, he may be 50 pounds lighter, but you knew it was going to be a tough night out there for you. Stephen as trump holyfield got his ear bitten by mike tyson. And i tell you, i know tyson Chicken Nuggets very well, theyre delicious. Which reminds me of the denver nuggets. And, of course, i happen to know john denver. He wrote Rocky Mountain high and i bet a lot of you out there watching me freeassociate feel like youre high right now. Trump cheers and applause trump envisioned a future when some of the students in front of him might become president. You are all going to make better deals than that. You have to promise me when youre up here someday one of you or two of you or three of you at different times, of course. Youll be up here. Stephen as trump and whether one, two, or three of you make it to this incredible seat of power, i promise to spread rumors that all of you were born in kenya. Thats my promise. All right . Ill see you then. Big fans of kenya here. Of course, trumps been flapping the old jaw meat a lot in the last 24 hours. Last night, he held a rally down in fayetteville, North Carolina, to check in with his deplora buddies. And the president had a warning about those godless democrats our evangelicals are here tonight, and theyre all over the place. cheers and what weve done for them and for religion is so important. You know, the other side, i dont think they are big believers. Theyre not big believers in religion, that i can tell you. Stephen i know a lot of democrats who are religious, but when they see you on tv, they mumble, there is no god. cheers and applause trump also repeated his favorite joke, im never leaving office. We may have to go for an extra term. cheers oh, they are going crazy. Theyre going crazy. Tomorrow, you are going to see headlines, trump wants an extra term. I told you. I told you. He wants an extra he wants an extra term, ladies and gentlemen. We told you. We told you hes a dictator. We told you. No, no, im only kidding. laughter stephen you can only Say Something so many times before it becomes clear that youre not kidding. Its like that boyfriend that keeps joking about having a threesome. Wouldnt that be hilarious . I mean, what a riot. You, me, your College Friend brenda. Anyway, are you going to call brenda or should i . Because im just kidding this is all part joke hey, you know who we should tell that joke to . Brenda. Do you think shed get it . What . Do you understand the jock im telling. What . Whats that . Two guys . No. Thats not bleep funny. laughter of course, North Carolina was just hit by Hurricane Dorian, and trump mentioned that, a little bit. North carolina will truly recover so fast. I know you people so well. Lets not even talk about it. Lets not even talk about it. Stephen as trump lets not even talk about it. Lets talk about the real victims alabama. laughter and trumps not done lying about the weather, folks. Last night, on his way to fayetville, he gave this lie on air force one we have now people standing in line trying to get into the arena. And i will tell you that they are soaking wet. Stephen only one problem. It wasnt raining in fayetteville. Or was it . Just look at this official picture from the National Weather service. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. But when we return meanwhile stick around. After my divorce i was looking for a companion and wewe had a connection corny as it sounds, it was love at first sight it was kismet. Adopt love at our National Adoption event. This weekend at your local petsmart®. That one . no what about that . no what about now . no that do it . [ buffer stops ] still not working how bout now . no i just dont know. I mean, i dont know who labeled this thing. Yeah . no yeah . drum roll and the record for longestlasting aa battery goes to. cymbal crash energizer ultimate lithium. Guinness World Records title holder for longestlasting aa battery. Of certain cancers clater in life. K from an infection, Human Papillomavirus i knew widespread hpv is and while hpv clears for most, that might not be the case for him. I knew his risk increases as he gets older. I knew a vaccine could help protect him at age 11 or 12, before he could be exposed. I knew so i talked to my childs doctor. Now that you know that hpv can lead to certain cancers, dont wait. Talk to your childs doctor today. But one blows them all out of the water. Hydro boost with hyaluronic acid to plump skin cells so it bounces back. Neutrogena® and for body. Hydro boost body gel cream. So it bounces back. You cant fake the goodness the crunch of real almonds the taste of real raspberries we use real ingredients because you cant fake. Delicious special k but we were made to move. So move more live more degree motionsense made to move. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey give it up for the band, everybody jon batiste and stay human bobobaba. Jon wa. Stephen bada. Jon waaa. Stephen dododa. cheers and applause thats all we have time for, ladies and gentlemen. Im sorry. You know, every nght, folks, i stand right over there, and i spend my time carefully arranging the biggest, most beautiful news flowers of the day into the gorgeous ikebana arrangement that is my monologue. But once in while, i like to gather up some dandelions, day old news papers, and cigarette butts, squish them into a ball, and stuff them into an empty can of baked beans to form the hobo wedding center. Piece of my news, that is my segment, meanwhile. Hobo wedding centerpiece. cheers and applause meanwhile, in the aftermath of Hurricane Dorian this weekend, footage went viral of a Jeep Grand Cherokee that had been abandoned on myrtle beach during the storm. Which is bad news for the trucks owner, but great news for the neighborhood old man with a metal detector. laughter quite a haul, honey i found two bottle caps, a buffalo nickel, and a midsize Sport Utility vehicle. And why was this jeep abandoned on the beach . Well, the vehicles owner says that he lent the jeep to his cousin, who was driving on the beach, trying to get a picture of the sunrise before Hurricane Dorian hit. The cousin then got stuck in a ditch in the sand and left the vehicle, so the cousin sent the owner a message with a photo of his grand cherokee getting pummeled by waves, and two minutes after getting the message, the police knocked on the owners door to tell him they had found his jeep. laughter and we have the winner for the award for most cousin. But maybe cheers and applause i left it. It was getting wet, so i left it maybe the best footage to emerge of the jeep is this clip of a local south carolinian who decided to give the s. U. V. Its last rites that is actually the best way to make someone listen to your bagpipe solo bury them in sand, surround them with turbulent water, and they are a car. Meanwhile, its time for our longrunning meanwhile subsegment, runaway snake. I dont want to alarm anyone, but a snake escaped in a Wisconsin High School and no one can find it it was lost by a biology teacher who insists the snake has no history of harming anyone or striking out, and theres no need for anyone inside the school to be overly concerned. One thing is for sure that statement was issued by the snake. laughter and its actually a little closer than i want it to be. Jon you better get away from that. Stephen there gu. laughter now, theyre not sure, but the snake is believed to be hiding out inside a science Lab Ventilation system. So finding this python is simple. Sit a student next to a vent dressed as a wounded mouse. laughter so, its been an exciting week for the kids over at fond du lac high school. But more importantly, its given me an idea for a sexy new teen drama. Jim . Why havent you been answering my tictok dms ashley . We need to get our stories straight. What we did at the abandoned apple factory is wrong. I dont want to hear that. I am not going to high school jail for this. Not for you, not for kim ber, not for kately. hissing . What was that . Stop trying to change the subject. I need you to. Aarrggh cheers and applause stephen well be right back with ansel elgort. A lot of folks ask me why their dishwasher doesnt get everything clean. I tell them, it may be your detergent. Thats why more dishwasher brands recommend cascade platinum. Its speciallydesigned with the soaking, scrubbing and rinsing built right in. Cascade platinums unique actionpacs dissolve quickly. To remove stuckon food. For sparklingclean dishes, the first time. Choose the detergent that lets your dishwasher do the dishes cascade platinum. The number one recommended brand in north america. Could you email me the part great about geicon, tim. Making it easy to switch and save hundreds . Oh yeah, sure. Um. You dont know my name, do you . laughs nervously of course i know your name. I just get you mixed up with the other guy. Whats his name . Whats your name . Switch to geico®. You could save 15 or more on car insurance. Could you just tell me . I want this to be over. And i founded hi, farmgirl flowers. Mbel what started at my dining room table, has grown into a serious operation. Thats why i chose the spark cash card from capital one. With unlimited 2 cash back on everything i buy why wouldnt i get this card . i redeemed 115,000 in cash back in just one year which doubled our Marketing Budget last summer and i saw 69 growth year over year. My spark card is more than a credit card. It has actually helped me grow my business. Whats in your wallet . Starter, entree and drink ifor always 10 bucks no strings attached, no hoops and no hurdles were not an obstacle course, were a chilis 3 for 10 bucks, baby, bucks, baby, bucks mmmhmmm together we chilis, oh yeah, baby, yeah [upbeat action music] pilot were going to be on the tarmac. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back to the show, already in progress, jon. Alalready in progress. Ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is an actor you know from the fault in our stars, divergent, and baby driver. He now stars in the goldfinch. Please welcome to the late show, ansel elgort cheers and applause . Stephen oh come on look at that cheers nicely done. Thats a good entrance right there. You know, you crossed the floor right there like a dancer. And im not surprised. Because i just heard this maybe other people know i did not know this. You have been cast as tony in Steven Spielbergs west side story. Congratulations. Thank you. applause . Stephen what an extraordinary what an extraordinary thing. Its unbelievable. I am pinching myself constantly whenever im talking to him and hes directing me. Stephen how how did you find out . What was that moment like . I got a phone call, and i get a lot of unknown phone calls. Ive had the same number since sixth grade. I just dont want to change it. Changing your phone number is really annoying. Stephen yeah, yeah sure. I get this unknown number. For some reason i answer it, and they said, i had, ansel, Steven Spielberg wants to talk to you. I had been auditioning and fighting for this role and it was stephen. And his tone sort of implied i wouldnt get the role but i was so happy he called me me and tell me i didnt get it. Stephen nice of him to call you personally to put you down. And turned into i did get it. He played me, too. He knew what he was doing. And i was so happy, and i couldnt tell anyone. But i called my mom and dad, and cried a little bit and. laughter stephen thatsandable. Did you grow up loving this musical . Yeah, ive always musical theater has been my first love. See oklahoma and decided theethats me. Thats me on stage, the guy with the lasso. Stephen i understand you also were in west side story. When i was 12 years old, i was in west side story at theater camp. I went to theater camp for seven years. And stephen that is that you right there . Thats me laughter yeah. Stephen is this is this and there you are right there. What who is this the officer crump