Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Plus, stephen welcomes james mcavoy stephen king and musical guest Vampire Weekend featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen wooo hi there beautiful tell him. Hey how are you . Happy wednesday. Happy wednesday. Audience Stephen StephenStephen StephenStephen Stephen. Stephen thankses, everybody. Thanks very much. cheers and applause thank you, sir. Please, have a seat, everybody. Thank you so much. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. It is a solemn day here in new york and around the country. Of course, its the anniversary of 9 11. Everyone remembers that day. We saw the news and all felt that pain. Everyone commemorates it in their own way. You can feel the heaviness of the day without anything being said. Because its an emotional day, in an emotional year, in an emotional decade, in an emotional century, i thought it would be nice to begin tonights show with something uplifting. applause they love each other so much. What is this feeling im having . My heart is made of light, and its exploding. Im. Im so happy, im sad. I need another hit. Jim, quick, roll it again. Oh, my god look at them. With those little legs, and theyre friends and they love each other. Its like its so beautiful applause its so beautiful. Its like the notebook had a baby with every pixar movie, then that baby flew off in a space ship with e. T. And played catch with his father in the field of dreams. And were learning more about the last days of National Security adviser and beaver who wished to be a real boy, john bolton. Bolton was relieved of his duties yesterday, but the details are a little fuzzy. Trump claims it was his decision. Bolton says, nuhuh, which led the New York Times to ask, john bolton is fired . Or did he resign . Its a mystery. A mystery i solved in my new young adult novel encyclopedia white and the case of two nutcases. So this afternoon, donald trump called reporters into the oval office, to set the record straight. I would tell you all about it in tonights installment of chopper talk, except he didnt go anywhere, so its in tonights installment of chair chat stephen right off the bat of the chair chat, trump made it clear that he was no fan of john bolton. John is known as a tough guy. Hes so tough he got us into iraq, thats tough. John was not in line with what we were doing. And, actually, in some cases, he thought it was too tough, what we were doing. Mr. Tough guy, you know. You have to go into iraq. I wish you well, but i would like you to submit your resignation, and he did that. And i really i know he is going to do well. I hope he is going to do well. And i wish him well. Stephen as trump mr. Tough guy, got us into an unwinnable war, totally out of line with my administration, dangerous, bad ideas, great guy, bright future. Wish him the best. Trump revealed laughter applause trump revealed that he was ma cheers and applause a lot of fans of john bolton here tonight. Trump revealed that he was mad at bolton for angering one of trumps closest advisers, kim jongun. See, last year, bolton said the u. S. Was considering the libyan model for north korea, and according to trump, little rocket man, not so amused. And i dont blame kim jongun for what he said after that. And he wanted nothing to do with john bolton. That is not a question of being tough. It is a question of being not smart to Say Something like that. Stephen as trump sorry, john, youre just not up to keeping us safe from americas greatest enemy. You know who agrees with me . Americas greatest enemy. laughter trump also made one notbad announcement. After a string of vapingrelated deaths, the f. D. A. Is banning flavored ecigarettes. A lot of people think vaping is wonderful, its great. Its really not wonderful. Thats one thing that i think that we can say definitely, commissioner. It is not a wonderful thing. Stephen yeah, its true. In fact, theyre putting a warning on the packs Surgeon General warning death is not wonderful. Not wonderful. applause wonderful, smiling turns out, the first lady had a hand in this decision. We cant allow people to get sick, and we cannot have our youth be so affected. And im hearing it, and that is how the first lady got involved. Shes got a son together, that is a beautiful young man. And she feels very, very strongly about it. applause stephen nice save, buddy as trump the first lady has got a son together its a mutual son. Of course, im very involved with the doings of it. And so is the first lady, who is a lovely mother, together, who i love know her name, so well that i wont waste our time saying it out loud. So tim apple. Trump also spent a good portion of the day solemnly remembering his poll numbers. In a hypothetical poll im going to stop right there. What the hell does that mean . A hypothetical poll. All polls are hypothetical until you go to the polls theyre all hypothetical its wonderful anyway, in a hypothetical poll, done by one of the worst pollsters of all time, the amazon Washington Post abc, which predicted i would lose to crooked hillary by 15 points how did that work out . Sleepy joe, pocahontas, and virtually all others would beat me in the general election dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot this is a phony suppression poll. Okay. So the poll is hypothetical its phoney and suppression. How does that work . Okay mr. Perlman, hypothetically, what would you say if i were to ask you what you think of the president . Now give me a fake answer while i smother you with a pillow hold still. laughter did i scare you . Did you think i was going to do that . So what was the poll that got trump so hot and bothered . Its a new one from abc, the Washington Post, and k. F. C. That says five democratic contenders lead trump in headtohead matchups. Ok, but he would definitely destroy them in butttobutt matchups. In this poll, in this poll, trump gets beaten by biden, sanders, warren, and harris. And even Pete Buttigieg has a sixpoint edge a sixpoin cheers and applause yeah. Jon mayor pete mayor pete a sixpoint buttigedge. laughter things are so bad for trump, a new poll has six democrats leading him in texas. Wow that is thats surprising. applause thats really surprising. Jon oh, my goodness texas stephen i thought trump has everything texans love. Hes got spurs in his heels and a tengallon head of course, no one should be surprised that trump is getting smoked by so many candidates. His Approval Rating in the abc Washington Post kfc poll is 38 . Or, as trump announced it, 88 . And according applause and according to the poll, trumps Approval Rating is only 30 among women. Its no surprise women dont like him, especially women whove seen this footage. as trump mmm mmm. cheers applause laughter there were lines i was supposed to say while i danced, but i cannot make those movements and move my mouth at the same time. Tomorrow night is the third democratic debate. The top ten candidates will all be there joe biden, elizabeth warren, bernie sanders, mayor pete, comptroller jim, probably samuel l. Jackson hes everything these days the progressive insurance lady . Although bernie thinks shes not progressive enough. But theyll be live, and so will we though theyll be slightly liveer, because we just found out that they will have no sevensecond delay, so the d. N. C. Warned the candidates to refrain from swearing on the debate stage. Biden better watch his malarkeys and his jiminy christmases. laughter although, the swearing rule might be meant for another candidate so yes, this is bleep ed up. You know the bleep that hes been saying. Members of the press, what the bleep . But we do know this is bleep ed up. Stephen and if you think thats bad, you should see his new Campaign Slogan beto mother bleep orourke bold bleep ing leadership for a brighter bleep future, bleep . cheers and applause we dont have to bleep any of that do we . Fine, okay. So, remember, beto, theres no delay. So youre on your honor not to create a viral moment of blunt honesty that could elevate you above the pack and result in a new tshirt slogan also available en espanol. We have a great show tonight. James mcavoy is here. But when we return, parliament flips its crumpet stick around. Good morning. Good night. The allnew versa the most techadvanced car in its class. This is nissan intelligent mobility. Thetlets go mets nced car in its class. Go time daddy [ giggling ] ohhhh man. Took my hat off. [ to love somebody by bee gees playing ] thats crazy [ crowd cheering ] [ screaming ] lets go mets [ cheering ] i was looking for a companion and wewe had a connection corny as it sounds, it was love at first sight it was kismet. Adopt love at our National Adoption event. This weekend at your local petsmart®. S before she puts them in the dishwasher. So what does the dishwasher do . vo cascade platinum does the work for you. Prewashing and removing stuckon foods, the first time. mom wow thats clean vo cascade platinum. Of certain cancers clater in life. K from an infection, Human Papillomavirus i knew that hpv could lead to certain cancers. I knew her risk for hpv increases as she gets older. I knew there was a vaccine available that could help protect her before she could be exposed to hpv. I knew. So i talked to my childs doctor. Now that you know that hpv can lead to certain cancers, dont wait. Talk to your childs doctor today. But we were made to move. So move more live more degree motionsense made to move. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back cheers and applause nicely done. Caught us midcrouch. Jon and i. Give it up for the band, everybody, jon batiste and stay human. cheers and applause jon and i, in the commercial breaks, jon and i spend a fair amount of the time in a low crouch. Jon like cardio. Stephen yeah, you have to keep low to the ground. Jon thats right. Stephen jon, you know who we have tonight . We have the lovely, the talented, mr. James mcavoy will be over there tonight. applause is it tomorrow . Tomorrow, we are live here following the third democratic debate. And it says live, so were not done until 12 35 or Something Like that. And then, obviously, we go clubbing . A. Thats right. Thats the time. laughter . Stephen join us. Ill see you. applause ill see you on the dance floor, america. As crazy as things have gotten in this country, its nice to remember that britains government is in absolute shambles. laughter and nobody does chaos like the british parliament. They wear powdered wigs and swing around a ceremonial mace bleep and thats when their government is functioning. Right now, the brit has definitely hit the fan, all thanks to british Prime Minister and racist figgy pudding, boris johnson. Johnson is pushing the u. K. To go through with brexit without a withdrawal agreement, and this week, he threw everything into further turmoil when he made the decision to suspend parliament for five weeks. And i believe we have footage of the british Prime Minister giving the shutdown order. Shut it down turn it off stephen beautiful culture. Genteel its a beautiful, genteel culture. Stephen so johnson shut down Parliament Just as britain careens toward economic destruction. And as you might imagine, parliament did not take take that well. In fact, they took out their anger on and this is where things really start to get weird a woman called black rod. By the way, if youre at work, do not google black rod. But ill say this, i will say this no, no applause i will say this why dont we get cool names like black rod for the people in our government . Instead of speaker of the house, nancy pelosi should be gaveloria, empress of the crimson thunder. laughter black rod the title black rod is an official whose job, in this case, is to Tell Parliament to go home. And heres how she was received. booing it is not every day you see a roomful of adults loudly booing a blingedout version of the quaker oats guy. applause in the name of brown sugar and cinnamon, i declare parliament. Then it was time to hear from my favorite person in the entire world house of Commons Speaker and man whose banana was snatched by a mischievous monkey, john bercow. This is not a standard or normal prorogation. yelling i dont require any assistance from you, mr. Stephenson. You wouldnt have the foggiest idea where to start in seeking to counsel me. I require no response from you i require no response from you i require no response from you, young man i require no response from you get out, man you will not be missed stephen oh, god. Oh, lord. My heart, oh, my god. I want to hang out with this guy i want to party with you, cowboy. Maybe do brunch young man young man we require more muffins. No response from you. Get out, man get out and return with my bottomless mimosa, or you will not be missed. laughter cheers and applause well be right back with james mcavoy. Stick around. [ song johnny cash, these are my people. ] these are my people these are the ones who will reach for the stars these are my people by the light of the earth, you can tell they are ours a new step to take and a new day will break yes, these are my people cheddar, jalapeno, and sour cream and onion. The spicy nacho stack. I wish i could stack pringles, but i dont have hands. Or a mouth to. Cool, play funkytown. funkytown playing theres a pringles stack for everyone. Sort of. Dont stop, i cant feel the heat yet dont let it catch you whoa i cant feel the heat with licensed agents availablep when 247,d it. Its not just easy. Its havingjeromebettis onyourflagfootballteam easy. Go get em, bus ohhhh [laughing] cmon bus, cmon hey, wait, wait, wait hey man, i got your flag i got your flag, man i got your flag its geico easy. With licensed agents available 24 7. 49 nothing woo hey. You must be stevens phone. Now you can know whos on your network and control who shouldnt be, only with xfinity xfi. Simple. Easy. Awesome. band playing cheers and applause stephen gotcha gotcha hey, everybody, welcome back thank you so much. Please, have a seat, everybody. Youre too kind. Ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest from atonement, the xmen movies, split and glass. He now stars in it chapter two please welcome back to the late show, james mcavoy that guy is pointing at me stephen pointing at you. I dont know why. I feel slightly threatened. Stephen they dont stand up for everybody . They dont. Thank you to the 15 people who stood up. Stephen you have very passionate fans. You have a burch of actors out there who have specific named fans. Everybody know about the benjamin cumberbithhes. Yours are the mackavoiders. Maniacs. Stoners. You know, and whats the other worn, cumberbitches. My guys are just voyeurs. They stay away. They just watch. And thats cifngy, but safe. laughter . Stephen id get a thicker shower curtain if i were you. Maybe i look to be watched. Come on who doesnt stephen welcome to the late show. laughter after dark. Now, theres crazy news out of the u. K. Right now. Youre from scotland, but theres crazy news out of the u. K. You have to ask you about the headline, loch ness monster might be a giant eel, say scientists. Youre from scotland. Loch ness monster, as a child dthey take you on field trips as a fun day to look for nessy. To feed nessy . I have never been to loch ness. Stephen its really lovely. Ive been to other locs, but i never have been to loch ness. Stephen might be a giant eel. So they said they didnt findes of nessy, but they have found evidence of eels. And the guy said, they might as well have said, we found evidence of fish in the sea. Evidence like, youre kind of right. Stephen so motorcycles are also a passion of yours. This is a dangerous sort of . What do you mean sort of . It says right here, motorcycles are a passion of yours. Thats been fact checked. I legally cant ask that question unless its fact checked. Its in black and blue so it must be true. Im not a fan of riding in london anymore. You get through a 30minute ride, and my last resort was to kind of go for a more sedate ride. Y recently traded in my hog for a small Canary Yellow vespa. laughter applause that gets a round of applause. Stephen not quite the same vibe. No. Who says im not metrosexual . Stephen no one has ever said youre not metrosexual. The new movie is it chapter two. Who do you play in this. I thank you. I play the older version of bill. Who is the young hes sort of he was the leader of the losers as a kid. And he goes on to become a screen writer, goes on to become a novelist, and shares a lot of sort of views on the wo as stephen king. Hes that classic stephen king character that he puts in his work, the stephen king avatar, if you like. Hes riddled with guilt losing his young brother in the first one. Stephen we have a clip. Do you need to tell us whats going on . I know whats going on. So bill has hes trying to warn a young boy away from pennywise and say, you need to get out of this town. This town is desperately evil, and youre in danger. You have to get out of here. Tell your parents a lie. Tell them anything. He then finds the little boy has gone off and pennywise sends a message, thank you for terrifying him for me. Basically, pennywise, if he scares you, makes you taste better. Thats why he always tries to scare you, to season stephen marinating. Yes. Stephen all right, lets salt this audience. Kid. Kid oh oh hey what are you doing here im going to im going to get you out of here. scratching sound . No please ewwww pennywise pennywise really enjoys the taste of glass. That went down like a cup of corsack. Stephen you have an american accent. Apparently. Stephen have i talked with you before. You have such a charming scottish accent. Do you have a hook for american accent. What do you have to say first . You know, i try not to think about it at all. Which is probably why for the first three weeks, could you go again . Can we try again . Stephen is there something particularly hard to say in an american accent. The word burglary, is hard to say in any accent, even as mine. Stephen say it as an accent. In my own accent i cant say it. I cant say it. Stephen if you were a spy, we would have shot you by now. I would love to see a scottish spy. A scottish spy under cover in america. Like, why . Stephen did you