Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, dems fightin word. Plus, stephen welcomes live, jake tapper and jon lovett. Featuring live jon batiste and stay human. And now, live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause wooo oh, yeah beautiful beautiful hello, my friends lights, camera, action its live. Jon were live wooo stephen happy thursday. Happy live day. Audience Stephen StephenStephen Stephen stephen feel it feel it, baby cheers and applause nice, gorgeous. Thank you, my friend, down here, up there. Whats going on . Thanks, everybody. Hi, chris. Ladies and gentlemen, so nice. Its electric, jon. Its electric. Jon its electric in here. Stephen welcome, one and all. Welcome. Ladies and gentlemen, everybody out there watching, everybody in here, down there, up there, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. And we are coming to you live right now cheers and applause we couldnt legally, we couldnt put that up in if wasnt true after the third democratic president ial debate. Tonights debate was a big step forward in the primary, because it narrowed democrats down to the top 10. laughter which means were this close to the fantasy suites laughter and we got some neverbeforeseen matchups between the heavyweights. Tonight was the first time biden and warren shared the debate stage. And the fireworks started early. Before the debate even began, a biden aide said that the former v. P. Would target warren by arguing that we need more than plans. Warrens team responded by releasing her plan for when we need more than plans plan. laughter applause cheers and applause she has a plan for that. Jon a plan. Stephen for that. The debate started, of course, with opening statements, and andrew yang came out strong. In america today, everything revolves around the almighty dollar. Stephen exactly thank you too much stock is being put on money today and i am sure you now have something to say that wont totally undercut that point. Thats why im going to do something unprecedented tonight. My campaign will now give a freedom dividend of 1,000 a month for an entire year to ten american families. Stephen woooo daddys got deep pockets vote for me, and ill make it rain shake em up, ladies. Ive got a lot of cash. Uhhuh. Money, money, money Kamala Harris promised to address voters needs. I plan on spending tonight talking with you about my plans to address the problems that keep you up at night. Stephen youre gonna talk to me about that time in third grade where i called my teacher mom . laughter now, Bernie Sanders, of course, looks like a man who always carries a lozenge in his pocket, well, tonight it should have been unwrapped. We must and will defeat trump, the most dangerous president in the history of this country. Stephen as bernie almost as dangerous as the bumblebee that i swallowed before this debate. cheers and applause got it right there i am going into anaphylactic shock, which would be covered under medicare for all. applause warren showed her folksy roots. I had two little kids, and when childcare nearly brought me down, my aunt bee moved in and saved us all. Stephen wait hold what . Aunt bea . Is Elizabeth Warren from mayberry . Can she make barney National Security adviser . Now, the frontrunner, joe biden, was feeling the urgency of the national moment. I refuse to postpone one more minute. Stephen because i clearly dont have a lot of time left. laughter applause and biden took aim at Elizabeth Warrens previous alignment with Bernie Sanders. I know that the senator says shes for bernie. Well, im for barack. Stephen oooh he mentioned obama for those playing at home, time to take a drink. cheers and applause oh, mmm. Mmm. Oh mmm. It really helps you pretend obamas still president. Now, biden, biden painted medicare for all as too expensive and bernie wasnt having any of it. Every study done shows that medicare for all is the most costeffective approach to providing health care to every man, woman, and child in this country. I wrote the damn bill, if i may say so. Stephen as bernie and its imperative that we overhaul healthcare in this country, before the parasite embedded in my throat works its way up to my brain and starts controlling my every word and deed because laughter applause i am the senator from phlemsivvainia. The sparks this is where the sparks flew a lot of night. Sparks flew between biden and bernie here. Let us be clear, joe. In the United States of america, we are spending twice as much per capita on health care as the canadians or any other major country on earth. This is america. Stephen take that take that, folks who say biden is gaffeprone. He just accurately identify which country he is in hes back, baby. Though, though im not sure what that meant. Im really not sure what that meant. Though, biden did have one of his classic gaffes when he tried to refer back to senator sanders. Nobodys yet said how much its going to cost the taxpayer. I hear this large savings, the president thinks. My friend from vermont thinks. Stephen as biden the president thinks, sorry, i mean, president sanders. I mean im sorry. I meant commander in chief sanders. Im sorry, i mean, colonel sanders. His plan is fingerlicking bad one of the most dramatic moments was when Julian Castro went after not only bidens health care plan, but bidens favorite name to drop. Barack obamas vision was not to leave ten Million People uncovered. He wanted every Single Person in this country covered. My plan would do that. Your plan would not. They do not have to buy in. They do not have to buy in. You just said that you just said that two minutes ago. You just two minutes ago they would have to buy in. biden crosstalk if you qualify for medicaid you would automatically are you forgetting what you said two minutes ago . Stephen oooh the crowd did not like julian playing the old man card. He should really rethink your new slogan castro 2020 shove the elderly onto an ice floe. Dont worry, julian. Its not like old people vote. The moderators didnt pull any punches with Kamala Harris over criminal justice reform. You used to oppose the legalization of marijuana. Now you dont. You used to oppose outside investigations of police shootings. Now you dont. You said you changed on these and other things because you were swimming against the current, and, thankfully, the currents have changed. But when you had the power, why didnt you try to effect change then . audience applause stephen and a quick followup question are you a cop . You have to tell me if youre a cop. And then, joe biden made a very bold proposal gaffe. Nobody should be in jail for a nonviolent crime. Stephen . To which one nonviolent criminal said as trump oh, thank god. Joe 2020. Im too pret for jail. I gotta go with joe. Beto got impassioned about gun control, and he was really ready to take a big swing. Hell, yes, were going to take your ar15, your ak47 applause were not going to allow it to be used against our fellow americans anymore. cheers and applause stephen damn beto went there. That takes courage. And not just political courage people in texas have a lot of guns. laughter andrew yang took a moment to humanize himself, tell his story, and talked about his immigrant father. My father grew up on a peanut farm in asia with no floor, and now his son is running for president. Stephen and the humble background games are officially open. laughter can anyone here tonight beat nofloor peanut farm . The bidding starts at slept in a bucket behind a cockfight. Anyone . Anyone . Do i hear, my mother grew up under a potato farm with no roof . Anyone . Kamala harris ended her trade talk with a zing against the man in charge. But the bottom line is this donald trump in office on trade policy, you know, he reminds me of that guy in the wizard of oz. When you pull back the curtain, its a really small dude. cheers and applause stephen okay, okay, i get the metaphor. But that guy from the wizard of oz . You mean the wizard of oz . laughter as harris im going to fight for you. Im going to fight for you like that guy from rambo. you know, that guy, whatever that guy was. Then, mayor pete weighed in on americas overseas wars. The best way not to be caught up in endless war is to avoid starting one in the first place. Stephen wait a second. You were asked about getting out of afghanistan, and your proposal is not to have started the war . Do you have a time machine . Because that would make sense. For petes sake, doc brown is right there as bernie the top applause the top 1 have 1. 21 gigawatts laughter applause univisions jorge ramos asked cory booker about the ethics of bookers vegan diet. After the recent fires in the amazon, some experts suggested that eating less meat is one way to help the environment. You are a vegan since 2014. Thats, obviously, a personal choice. Should more americans including those here in texas, and in iowa follow your diet . You know, first of all, i actuly, i to translate i stephen thats a pretty good joke. Its all part of bookers new comedy special, press 1 for english, press 2 for hilarious. laughter applause jon thats so wrong stephen Amy Klobuchar addressed Climate Change with this timely reference this is the existential crisis of our time. Its you know that movie, the day after tomorrow . Its today. Stephen as klobuchar and you know that movie yesterday . Thats tomorrow. Jon wow. applause stephen biden got technological when talking about education. Play the radio. Make sure the television excuse me, make sure you have the record player on at night, the phon make sure that kids hear words. Stephen as biden crank the victrola and put on the mitch miller get yourself a new wireless set and gather around the whole family. Listen to f. D. R. Give it good to tojo and his boys so in the end what did we get . Ten candidate, four moderators, two languages, and hopefully one person who can beat donald trump. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Mr. Jake tapper is here. But when we return, trump gave a speech tonight. Did you know that . I bet you didnt know that. Stick around. I bet you didnt know that. Stick around. Im sorry . What teach here isnt telling you is that snapshot rewards safe drivers with discounts on car insurance. What . Or maybe he didnt know. [ chuckles ] im done with this class. Youre not even enrolled in this class. I know. Im supposed to be in ceramics. Do you know room 303. Oh. Thank you. Yeah. Good luck, everybody. You sure you dont want me to come with you . Im very sure. Because i can. Make good choices. You make good choices. I am. Fiber is good for digestive health. Good choices never tasted so good. Raisin bran good choices never tasted so good. drum roll and the record for longestlasting aa battery goes to. cymbal crash energizer ultimate lithium. Guinness World Records title holder for longestlasting aa battery. Applebees handcrafted burgers now starting at 7. 99. Now thats eatin good in the neighborhood this seat . This seat is reserved for the restless. Those who need to move. And roar. And ride. Up, down, over. Powering through. This seat is for those that get down in it. Into the fray. The arena. This seat is not for spectators. Gladiator were a lot alike. Just two dudes getting paid to do what we love. Only difference is you never get booed. 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Of course, just because its not his big day, donald trump will not be ignored. So while the democrats were fighting it out in texas, trump was speaking at the House Republican conference member retreat in baltimore. And on his way up there, trump turned the helicopter rotors up to 11 and paused for a quick episode of now, right off the beam, reporters asked about trumps search to replace john bolton as National Security adviser, and he told them hes got plenty of options. Ac a lot of people want the job, and we and it is a great job. It is great because it is lot of fun to work with donald trump. laughter stephen really . Really . Really gs fun to work for you . Then, how come everyone who leaves your administration immediately writes a book with a title like cave of hate snakes . as trump yes, its a lot of fun to work with donald trump. Hes unpredictable. He sometimes experiences a psychotic break where he dissociates and refers to in the third trump had some nice things to say about all his potential opponents. Are there any democrats debating tonight that you actually respect . I respect all of them. All of them . I respect every one. Let me tell you, it takes a lot of courage to run for office. I respect all of them. Stephen as trump i respect them all of them sleepy joe, pocahontas, crazy bernie, beto odork. laughter now, the moment the democrats were taking the stage is this true the moment they were taking the stage, trump began his speech to the republicans down in baltimore. Didnt have much of a point. Ge bragged a lot, told one of his patented madeup stories about people coming up to him to thank him. People come up to me all the time. Thank you, sir. My 401 k is up 72 , whatever it may be numbers theyve never had before. Nobodys ever seen anything like m. laughter stephen as trump they come up to me and say, sir, my 401 k is up numbers theyve never seen before florptyfive, and bundillion and velve. 17, but in 17, the 7s a dragons head. Sir, im worried im going unsane. Trump defended his administrations recent rollback of light bulb efficiency rules. The bulb that were being forced to use, number one, to me, most importantly, the lights no good. I always look orange. laughter and so do you. Nt stephen no no jon wow whoa stephen no, just you. as trump d look orange. And so do you. The lights also make you look like a pile of raw ground beef in a suit, and they and they make you forget how to close an umbrella. While criticizing the Green New Deal that some of the democrats have proposed, he took a detour to slam his own partys House Minority leader, kevin mccarthy. No more cows, no more planes, i guess no more people. Because kevin is just like a cow. Hes just smaller. I had to pick somebody for that one, kevin, and i just looked at that beautiful, political face of yours. Stephen as trump sorry, kev. The sorry, kev. I had to pick someone. What else was i supposed to do, not call one of the leaders of my party a cow . Oh, i shouldnt . I shouldnt do that . Well, thats exactly what a big, wht cow would say, kevin. T . O, kevin. Come omoo. Somebody milk this guy come on, shake them udders. He likes it, though, he likes this. Then, he dazzled the crowd with his impressions of chinese president xi jinping yeah. Thats exactly what i thought when i heard this. And joe biden. And president xi of china, he is tough. Oh, boy, he is a furious kind of atguy. Great guy. He is dying to see he wants sleepy joe. Can you imagine those two guys in a room . Here is xi. makes crazy noise and here is sleepy joe. What . Where am i . Where am i . Just sign here, sleepy joe, just sign here. Stephen what the hell was that . What was that . I dont know. I guess now we know what its like when donald trump reads you a bedtime story. as trump and the xi goes arghhhh, the sleepy joe goes what . the truck goes honk, and the cow goes, hi, im kevin mccarthy. ev applause he also told one of his favorite new fake anecdotes. I tell the story of a man who hates me, one of the most successful business people, always hated me, and ive always hated him. I cant stand that guy. Stephen as trump and the successful businessman in that story. Sf me. Im a very troubled man. All of this is all a cry for help. He even found a way to complain about another countrys poll numbers. You know, there was a poll recently that obama is much more popular in germany than i am. Of course, he is. Stephen as trump wm much more popular with the people that used to live in germany but now have always lived in argentina. Always. Ul cheers and applause the argentine, ve have always been argentine and he concluded by saying whatever the hell this is we will win, win, win, and we will keep on winning. You know, i tell that story, and some people love it. And probably some dont, but i think they all love it. Im going to win in a place like here we go, im going to use dan as an example. Stephen uhoh. as trump dan, dan, youre a horse. Youre a big, fat, smelly horse. Somebody ride dan. Give him some oats. Put a saddle on him. Horse dan, go stand with cow kevin, okay. You guys are luke those animal pairings that everybody just loves. He also whipped out a new last name for his Vice President. It was an incredible meeting. I sat around and Chuck Grassley was there, and joni ernst, and john thune, and mike pounds. laughter sa stephen as trump yeah, they were all there. I gotta say, mike pounce i love that mike pounce. Hes a big believer in crissyanity, and our lord and savior, jerbus. Well be right back with jake tapper. Jake get a suit on get a suit on well be right back with jake tapper. Jake get a suit on get a suit on Classical Music playing throughout no i, i cant feel the heat yet dont let it catch you ever since you brought me home, that day. Ive been plotting to destroy you. Sizing you up. Calculating your every move. You think this is love . This is a billion years of tiger dna just ready to pounce. And if you have the wrong Home Insurance coverage, you c