cheers and applause its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, impeachykeen. Plus, stephen welcomes Whoopi Goldberg. And Tanehisi Coates featuring jon batiste and stay human. Nod live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen come on wooo wow wow stephen please, have a seat sit thank you very much welcome to the late show. Ladies and gentlemen, im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause oh, good lordy. What a day. You really feel the ground shifting under your feet. But it youve got a seatbelt on your couch, one why . Number two buckle up, because for two and a half years, donald trump has had scandal after scandal russian collusion, obstruction of justice, saying nazis are fine people, being an unnamed coconspirator to Campaign Finance violations, lying about the moscow trump tower, stealing money to pay for the border wall, faking the weather with a sharpie. Every time every time none of those is made up. Every time, people have asked, is this the thing . Surely, this must be the thing. And every time, it wasnt the thing. laughter but heres the thing theres a new thing, and it might be the thing. cheers and applause because this afternoon, nancy pelosi did this thing today, im announcing the house of representatives moving forward with an official impeachment inquiry. cheers and applause stephen aaahhh okay okay okay, but how do you feel . laughter ill say this finally, a check on the president up until now, weve only had a check from the president to a porn star. laughter now, to make her case, pelosi reached back to the earliest days of the republic. On the final day of the Constitutional Convention in 1787, when our constitution was adopted, americans gathered on the steps of Independence Hall to await the news of the government our founders had crafted. Stephen and a Young Bernie Sanders was there to complain about it. laughter as bernie the top 1 of the landowners are represented by 45 of the legislature and they refuse to adopt my universal leechcraft. All leeches are covered leeches, bleeding, releasing demons from the skull. She quoted the words of one of our founders. They asked benjamin franklin, what do we have, a republic or a monarchy . Franklin replied, a republic, if you can keep it. Stephen wise words. From a man who then took his kite and went outside to invent getting hit by lightning. laughter now, she announced she would be giving the impeachment inquiry to members of different committees. Im directing our six committees to proceed with their investigations under that umbrella. Stephen smart. They found trumps greatest weakness umbrella. laughter applause so so jon cant deal with that. Stephen so why is this the thing . Well, longtime viewers of america know that last week a mysterious whistleblower accused trump of making a troubling promise to an unnamed foreign leader. Then, friday, it was reported that trump tried to extort ukraine into a political probe of joe biden and his son. No wonder pelosis launching an impeachment investigation. This makes watergate look like nixon tried to pass an expired coupon at the kroger. as nixon i had no idea that these yogurt coupons were no longer valid. And, furthermore, i believe that when the president redeems it, a coupon is never expired. Fruit on the bottom. cheers and applause a little carrot carrot in the throat. For the details, lets go to our brandnew, ongoing segment where in the world is donald colluding with who in the what . Oh, no stephen according to the whistleblower, on one phone call in july, trump pressured ukrainian president , volodymyr zelensky, to investigate the bidens about eight times. Eight times . In one phone call . Those are numbers you normally see with a toddler asking for a balloon. as trump hello, volodymyr. Yeah, this is donald trump. Im just calling to say i want a balloon. I want a balloon. I want a balloon. I want a balloon. I want a balloon. No, okay . I want a balloon. I want a balloon. I want a balloon. I want a balloon. I want a balloon. Hello . Hello . Oh, and fun fact if the end of democracy sounds like fun to you, trumps phone call with ukraines leader took place, literally, the day after the special counsel robert s. Mueller iii testified to congress about russian interference. So the idea that a foreign power like russia shouldnt interfere in our elections is the only thing everyone agreed on everyone but trump, because he just moved one country over. as trump okay, no collusion with russia. Okay. Hello, ukraine, you up for interfering with our election . No . No, you dont want to do that . Okay, do you have polands number . laughter yesterday, trump was at the u. N. And issued this denial there was no pressure put on them whatsoever. I put no pressure on them whatsoever. I could have. I think it would probably, possibly, have been okay if i did. But i didnt. Stephen wow. You wouldnt want him as your lawyer. as judge how does the defendant plead . as lawyer the defendant pleads notonor. I mean, he could have done it, might have done it, and it might have been fine. So, probably possibly guilty. Who knows . You know what . Guilty. Lets see what happens. Probably fine. Then, this afternoon is this this afternoon . cheers and applause so guilty. So guilty. Then, this afternoon, trump announced that he was going to release the full, unredacted transcript of the phone call, promising, you will see it was a very friendly and totally appropriate call. No pressure and, unlike joe biden and his son, no quid pro quo as trump it wasnt a quid pro quo. It was much more of a tit for tat. That way, i get to say tit. laughter sohe president ce was no pressure. He says there was no pressure. But trump ordered a hold on military aid to ukraine days before calling the ukrainian president. Okay, that sounds like pressure. Because ukraine is fighting an undeclared war with russia at their eastern border, and you withhold our military aid. as trump look, if you want our help stopping them from taking more than crimea, youve got to do crime with mea. Do you understand . Hello . Hello, mabel . laughter applause heres the thing constitutionally it is not up to trump to allocate Foreign Military aid. That is congress job. So to allay suspicion, Administration Officials were instructed to tell lawmakers that the delays were part of an interagency process. Yes, its a complex interagency process where the administration commits crimes and. Okay, its much simpler than i thought. Its just and its not just the transcript its not just the transcript of the phone call, because this afternoon, the Senate Unanimously agreed to schumers resolution calling for the whistleblower complaint to be turned over to the intelligence committees immediately. cheers and applause unanimous jon yeah, baby stephen republicans democrats everybody turn it over jon come on stephen i feel like i just had my whistle blown laughter and i am ready to release the full transcript. Plus is it adam schiff . Adam schiff, chairman of the house intelligence committee, tweeted we have been informed by the whistleblowers counsel that their client would like to speak to our committee and has requested guidance from the acting d. N. I. As to how to do so. Were in touch with counsel and look forward to the whistleblowers testimony as soon as this week. cheers and applause wow. This is historic. Historic. Historic. Its historic, highstakes testimony in congress from someone with intimate knowledge of trumps criminal wrongdoing. We havent had one of those in days laughter now, we dont know who this wib is yet, but based on their high placement in the Trump Administration and ongoing disgust with the president s behavior, we have generated this computer model. laughter applause we dont know. Thats all thats all those are fractals. This evening this evening, trump responded to pelosis announcement, calling it a democratic plot. Our country is doing the best its ever done, and theyre going to lose the election, and they figure this is a thing to do. Were in the election. And i mean, if she does, that they all say thats a positive for me for the election. Stephen you know, mr. President , i heard the same thing. Impeachment could be very positive for you. So logically, it would be more positive if you stepped down now. You cheers and applause jon come on get on stephen you could run as an outsider for awe second first term, okay . Think about it, not too hard. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Whoopi goldberg is here. But when we return, meanwhile. Buckle up for some insurance themed fun at Progressive Park children yeah announcer ride the totally realistic traffic jam. Beep, beep, beep, beep children traffic jam announcer and the worlds first never bump bumper cars. Children never bump announcer its a real savings hootenanny with options that fit your budget. Thats fun for the whole family. Announcer only at progressive par. Maybe an insurance park was a bad idea. Yeah. Yep. Stop dancing around the pain that keeps you up again, and again. Advil pm silences pain, and you sleep the whole night. Advil pm s before she puts them in the dishwasher. So what does the dishwasher do . vo cascade platinum does the work for you. Prewashing and removing stuckon foods, the first time. In a vast desert completely wdevoid of basset hounds. [ back in babys arms by patsy cline ] then, it appeared a beacon of hope. Im back in babys arms more glorious than a billion sunsets. We were found. Im back where i belong found by the hounds. Back in babys arms how do you get skin happy aveeno® with prebiotic oat. It hydrates and softens skin. So it looks like this. And you feel like this. Aveeno® daily moisturizer get skin happy™ want to hey, mr. Smith. Sure. So now what . Gotta put the whole bag in. Okay. Yes its really working, jimmy [humming, thumping] [humming] [thumping] this is the greatest moment of my life get out of my yard [birds chirping] jimmy . Youre so old. [crunch ] its the future did you eat all of your treats . Help i need somebody help not just anybody help you know i need someone the juul record. They took 12. 8 billion from big tobacco. Juul marketed mango, mint, and menthol flavors, addicting kids to nicotine. Five million kids now using ecigarettes. The fda said juul ignored the law with Misleading Health claims. Now juul is pushing prop c, to overturn san franciscos ecigarette protections. Say no to juul, no to big tobacco, no to prop c. 6 months, 6 pushups. Ready,up. Down. Down. Uhuh. Thats one. Thats two. Inhale. Down. Get down. Get down. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody give it up for the band right there everybody, jon, two great guests tonight. Two fantastic guests tonight. In just a minute Whoopi Goldberg will be out here in just a minute. And then the great the great Tanehisi Coates is going to be out here. He has his first novel, extraordinary, extraordinary, beautiful, beautiful work of art. You know, i spend a lot of time over there, sanding and lacquering the biggest news stories of the day into the sleek, hydrodynamic doubleskull rower that is my monologue. But sometimes i like to sift through the junkyard, haul out an old pickup truck, knock the wheels off, strap some oil bareilless and use a tennis racket to paddle out to sea on the juryrigged survival raft of news that is my segment meanwhile. Stephen meanwhile. Sometimes you dont get a chance. Sometimes shoot from the hip. Shoot from the hip. This is one of those times. Lets see what survives. I have no idea meanwhile, this footage has gone the eagles loss to the lions on sunday. Plot twist turns out that man is eric furda, the university and when you dont get into upenn, his rejection letters are. Brutal. Meanwhile, meanwhile im kind of surprised im kind of surprised that joke survived into the show. Im a little surprised that joke made it into the show. Meanwhile, just in time for halloween, theres a new sexy Mister Rogers costume. Excuse me, we already had a sexy Mister RogersMister Rogers, okay . cheers and applause the man the man was erotic napalm. Oh, he would take you to the land of makebelieve. Meow. laughter as henrietta pussycat meow, meow, horny meow. laughter another joke i wasnt sure was going to make it into the show. No do not cut that joke meanwhile, the new Downton Abbey movie dominated the box office this weekend. And as part of the films promotion, you can now book the Downton Abbey castle on airbnb, other movies have done this before. There have been limitedtime listings for tony starks cabin from Avengers Endgame and bella swans family home from twilight. And my personal favorite, the hole from silence of the before leaving, it puts the lotion in the basket, and it loads the dishwasher. Meanwhile, in Restful Slumber news, these new qaectresistant beds are naik the round online. Stephen aww, yeah wooo who knew that being buried alive in a cold metal casket could be so funky . laughter now, as you can see in the video, the device acts as a normal bed until an earthquake is detected, whereupon, it becomes a minifortress, which can be stocked with food, emergency supplies, and plenty of water. There is no toilet, however, so make sure to bring a pillow case you dont care about. But why do i need to wait for an earthquake . Im ready to go now. Give me a selflubricating catheter, and im all about that box life. Heck, ill do the show in there. But, stephen, you say, interrupting me, how could you do your show in there . Im glad you asked. Check it out. Welcome to the late box. Im Stephen Colbert. Tonight, donald trump ordered strikes to iran. I think if i put it up to my ear, i can hear the tv in the next room. It might beci newle or pepper pig. What did the sky look like . Do you remember, jon . Jon yeah, how did i get here . I fell asleep on my couch and i ended up in this box. Stephen read your contract, jon. You agreed to be buried together in my tv box. Its under the pharaoh box. We have to eat our way through the memory foam. Stop hogging the oxygen. We have to save enough for musical guests imagine dragons. Guys . Are you about ready . Dan . They dont look so good. Jon im getting dizzy. Stephen well, that solves the food problem. Lalalala go into the light laughter stephen stick around for james cordon. Good night stephen well be right back good night stephen well be right back with Whoopi Goldberg. Good night stephen well be right back with im not picking it up. Well, somebodys gotta pick it up. Ill pick it up. Theyre clean cuz my hineys clean oh yeah, im charmin clean thats how i know theyre clean vo charmin ultra strong is woven like a wash cloth and just cleans better. Yeah, im charmin clean the kid does have a point. vo enjoy the go with charmin. And for an extra clean finish, try charmin flushable wipes. Full of tasty, good for you ingredients. Fresh and filling. So that you too will be full of good. Try our new warm grain bowls today. Order now on doordash. But allstate helps you. With drivewise. Feedback that helps you drive safer. And that can lower your cost now that you know the truth. Are you in good hands . Cologuard colon cancer and older at average risk. Ive heard a lot of excuses to avoid screening for colon cancer. Im not worried. It doesnt run in my family. I can do it next year. No rush. Cologuard is the noninvasive option that finds 92 of colon cancers. You just get the kit in the mail, go to the bathroom, collect your sample, then ship it to the lab. Theres no excuse for waiting. Get screened. Ask your doctor if cologuard is right for you. Covered by medicare and most major insurers. Y for o navybiggest dem sale e all jeans are on sale up to sixty percent off. Starting from just twelve bucks. Thats right. All jeans are on sale up to sixty percent off. Only at old navy. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back ladies and gentlemen, folks, my first guest is an egot winner and a cohost of the view. Shes written a new book called the unqualified hostess. Please welcome back to the late applause applause thats my cousin over there at your piano. Jon is my cousin. Stephen you guys are cousins . It turns out we are. Stephen did you have your d. N. A. Done or something . He had his done. They didnt tell me about him. Stephen how close are we talking. Henry louis gates did d. N. A. , and we are distant cousins, like third cousins. Stephen he did that for me. I got queen noor of jordan, and meryl streep, and elizabeth alexander. None of us . Stephen what . None of us . Stephen ahh. Like the two of you . Yeah. I think you should look deeper. Stephen i think so. Just to see stephen i might hit you up for cash if i find out im related, you know,. I got you covered. Stephen okay, before we do anything else. What, babe. Stephen nancy pelosi at 5 00 tham this afternoon said tt she was finally going to green light an impeachment investigation against the United States. What are your thoughts on this . What do you think about this . I dont really give a bleep . laughter . Stephen you you you do not give a flying flag about that she did it or about him or about the inquiry or my question . I dont really care because at this point, i want to have some fun. I just want to talk aboutmethhae ridiculousness that goes on in washington. So i just really care about my book right now, stephen. Stephen really . Yeah. Because you know stephen you dont think thats in any way thats not selfish in any way, that the president of the United States might be pressuring other countries and you think im being selfish you . Know this guy has been doing this. You can run, take this ball with you, and run with it. I run with this ball every day, and tonight i dont care. Tonight, i wrote a great book. I did and let me let me stephen whoopi, whoopi, dont get me wrong. Were going to talk about the book. Theres no fear. But you do have opinions about this cat. But i have to do this tomorrow. I do this all day long. Stephen i have to do this tomorrow, too i know, i know. Stephen and right now, id like someone on the show to have an opinion. Stephenopinion. You know what . Whats your opinion . Gli cant give your opinion