Plus, stephen welcomes rami malek jill soloway and comedian leah bonnema featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hi there look at you thank you very much youre very wind. Welcome, one and all, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Folks, donald trump is clearly losing it, and he did not have a surplus of it to begin with. The impeachment vultures are circling, and hes worried, because he knows theres a lot of meat on that bone and its getting gamey. Ill give you the latest in our ongoing segment don and the giant impeach. You cant impeach somebody for doing the best job of anybody in the history of our country. Stephen in response to impeachment, trump hasnt formulated much of a plan yet, unless you count freaking out on twitter as i learn more and more each day, i am coming to the conclusion that what is taking place is not an impeachment, it is a coup, intended to take away the power of the dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot people, their vote, their freedoms, their second amendment, religion, military, border wall, and their godgiven rights as a citizen of the United States of america applause yes, thats right, thats right, believe me. Theyre coming for your religion, our beloved jeebus and all 12 of his apossibles. laughter you got peter, paul, almond joy, dancer, prancer, kili, fili, dori, nori, ori, curly, grumpy, and johnny storm the human torch. What does he mean cheers and applause what does he mean the human torch what does he mean, take away your guns and religion . Does he not know if trump is removed from office, mike pence becomes president . Or is he trying to tell us that pence is way different behind closed doors . as pence its all been an elaborate ruse, mother, so that i can take away their ak47s and give them to my sweet lord satan. Also, you are no longer mother. Your name is sugarshorts. Now, back up that badonkadonk like a tonka truck. Beep beep beep laughter applause cheers stephen trump trump thank you. Trump continued to froth in a joint appearance this afternoon with the president of finland. Ill tell you all about it in todays installment of. Chair chat stephen trump was clearly in a bit of a mood. And if you had to sum it up in one photo from today, it would be this one. He looks like an old cat when you bring home a new cat. cat hiss cheers and applause trump got feisty right off the beam when he was asked about adam schiff. Call him shifty schiff. We dont call him shifty schiff for nothing. Hes a shifty, dishonest guy who, by the way, was critical of one of the great secretaries of state, graduated number one in his class at west point, graduated top one of the top in his class at harvard law school, the most honorable person, mike pompeo. And this guy was negative on mike pompeo. He cant you know, theres an expression he couldnt carry his blank strap. I wont say it, because theyll say it was so terrible to say, but that guy couldnt carry his blank strap. Do you understand that . Stephen as trump do you understand that . laughter no . No one understands that . Blank strap, im talking about a wang pouch. How about that that banana hammock . Anyone . Then trump got to the heart of the impeachment issue. The whistleblower was wrong. The only thing that matters is the transcript of the actual conversation that i had with the president of ukraine. Stephen yes all that matters is the transcript, the transcript where the president of ukraine asks for missiles, and you say, i would like you to do us a favor, though. laughter its like a scoobydoo villain saying, i would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasnt for me releasing this signed confession. Here, ill rip off my own mask im old man mcginty laughter then, about an hour later, trump held a joint press conference with the finnish president. He began by ins asking the ukiaon joeiden. The call was perfect, the real call, the call i made. Many people were on the line. I knew that because usually when i speak to foreign country leaders you can name any one of them but when i speak on the phone, i know that we have many people listening from various intelligence agencies. Stephen as trump from various intelligence agencies the saudis, i think, are on there, i believe the chinese have me bugged pretty good, but not russia. I just forward them the transcripts directly. laughter cheers and applause jon oh, wow stephen there you go. And he kept insisting that his phone call was perfect, and that the document that proves hes guilty doesnt say what we all see that it says. I had a transcript done by very, very talented people, word for word. Comma for comma. Done by people that do it for a living. We had an exact transcript. Stephen okay, lets take a look at this exact transcript and see what the talented people wrote. Right on the first page it says, not a verbatim transcript of the discussion. cheers and applause thats right its right there. It says that right on the first page. Mr. President , is it possible that you cant read . laughter because ive got bad news for you the American People can. Though, it would explain why your signature looks like a lie detector test. laughter applause that you failed. Trump talked about how hard this impeachment inquiry has been on him as a president , the most powerful victim in the world. We had the mueller collusion delusion, okay. That went on for years. And thats finally done. Now, i get three days of peace. And im walking about the united nations, going to meet with the biggest leaders in the world, and i hear about the word impeachment. I said, what did i do now . Stephen well, its good to know laughter its good to know even you cant keep track of your crimes. But cheers and applause why way ahead of me. Way ahead of me. Way ahead of me. But heres my problem, heres my problem with what he just said why did you get three days of peace . Thats not fair. I havent had a good nights sleep since you were elected now trump is this the same thing. In the same press conference, trump came down hard on nancy pelosi for subpoenaing trumps staff. Nancy pelosi hands out subpoenas like you know, she has to approve it. She hands out subpoenas like theyre cookies. You want a subpoena . Here you go, take em. Like theyre cookies. Stephen yes. They are like cookies, because thats the way your presidency crumbles. cheers and applause jon thats a crumble up. Stephen unbelievable. Its unbelievable. Then things got extra spicy when a reporter dared to do his job. Reporter the question, sir, was what did you want president zelensky to do about Vice President biden and his son hunter . Are you talking to me . laughter stephen wow. Wow yeah. Yeah. Uhhuh. Uhhuh. Looks like that was that is look like that reporter caught president Travis Bickle by surprise. as trump are you talking to me . Are you talking to me . Well, im the only one being impeached, so you must be talking to me. Wow. That was pre good, good taxi driver. Can we get robert de niros review of trumps performance . bleep him. bleep . cheers and applause jon whoa wooo robbie d. Oh, robbie b Stephen Bobby d. Thank you, tough gay. Anyway, trump was refusing to answer a question. Are you talking to me . Yeah. It was a followup of what i just asked you, sir. Are you ready . We have the president of finland. Ask him a question. I have one for him. I just wanted to follow up on what i asked you. Did you hear me . Did you hear me . Di. Ive given you a long answer. Ask this gentleman a question. Dont be rude. No, sir. I dont want to be rude. I just wanted you to have the chance to answer the question i asked. Ive answered everything. Ask the president of finland a question, please. Stephen as trump and heres the question got any dirt on joe biden . laughter cheers and applause anything . A little somethingsomething . No . Earlier today, nancy pelosi and adam schiff held their own press conference, and the speaker reminded us that this impeachment inquiry is about the constitution. We just have to look at the facts and the constitution. Any other objections people may have to the president have no place in this discussion in terms of is he too cowardly to protect children from gun violence . Is he too cruel to protect dreamers . Is he too in denial to understand Climate Change . The list goes on. cheers and applause stephen okay. Okay. Jon wooo stephen i see i see what youre doing there, madame speaker. as pelosi this inquiry is about the constitution. It has nothing to do with the fact that the president doesnt know how to work an umbrella or that he got his hair from a pet cemetery, or that hes so dumb that he thinks that checks and balances are Breakfast Cereals laughter applause the president was clearly watching their press conference, and he did not like what he saw. So he issued a rare president ial swearword tweet the do nothing democrats should be focused on building up our country, not wasting everyones time and energy on bleep , which is what they have been doing ever since i got overwhelmingly elected in 2016, 223306. Get a better candidate this time. Youll need it wow, using the pottytalk. Okay, grandpa, dont get your blank strap in a bunch. laughter applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Rami malek is here. But when we come back, wall gators wall gators [school bell] [classroom noise] [hallway noise] ughh aye, yadada whoa, yadada know what i need yadada know where im at yadada oooo, yadada ooooo yadada me, aye hi wwelcome to lindseys. Welcome to gigis. Welcome to peters. Shhh welcome to mitchs announcer now, anywhere can feel more like chilis. With new chilis delivery and togo. only tylenol® rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. They release medicine fast, for fast pain relief. Tylenol®. Dont get mad, put your money to work with e trades easytouse investing tools. Millions of wellrested humans once roamed the earth. But with rising stress in the modern world, yawning a good nights sleep is nearly extinct. However, theres hope on the horizon. Every day, ikea is designing vital sleep sanctuaries. With rest reserves like these, repopulation is possible, and together, we can save our sleep. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody cheers and applause stephen jon, tonight, in just a few minutes here we have the lovely, the talented, the dynamic rami malek out here. Jon rami malek. In the flesh, coming out. Stephen oscar winner. Going to be a big night. So there was some scary health news for Bernie Sanders today. Before we get into it, i want you to know, hes all right and in good spirits. Which is great, considering he was hospitalized for treatment of an artery blockage. Of course, this was always a risk its what happens when people want a president who has a heart. laughter now, we cant help cheers and applause yup. We cant help but feel somewhat responsible here at the late show, because last week, when senator sanders was here, i asked him if being 78 years old should be a concern when running for president , and heres what he said i think you look at the totality of a candidate. Thank god this is wood, i hope whatever it is stephen somewhere in there. Something. All right. Im in good health. Stephen apparently, that knocking on wood did not take. laughter thats the last time i shop for desks at big als cursed furniture emporium. laughter applause jon come on stephen senator, get well soon. Were keeping the couch warm for you. cheers and applause come on back. applause now, with all the insane things that trump is saying and doing about impeachment, its easy to forget all the insane things hes saying and doing about everything else. But thanks to a new book, weve learned that, back in march, trump suggested that soldiers on our southern border shoot migrants in the legs to slow them down. We have never had a crueler, more twisted man in the oval office, not even founding father president jigsaw. laughter and when his staff told him his plans were impractical and illegal, he got angry, yelling, you are making me look like an idiot i think youve got that one covered. But the piecededumb of trumps lunatic border agenda was his idea to fortify the border wall with a waterfilled trench stocked with snakes or alligators, prompting aides to seek a cost estimate. Who do call . Where do you shop for 2,000 miles of moat gator . Hi, hi, hi, is this petco . Yeah, asking for a friend can i order alligators in bulk . No . What can i buy in bulk . Hamsters . Okay. How aggressive are we talking here . Because were going to put them in a pit with snakes. Hello . Trump took to twitter today to refute the snakemoat story. Now the press is trying to sell the fact that i wanted a moot stuffed with alligators and snakes with an electrified fence and sharp spikes on top, at our southern border. I may be tough on border security, but not that tough. The press has gone crazy. Fake news as trump they say i wanted a moot with snarks and ooligators. laughter applause fake news i just ordered our troops to short them in their logs not only is trumps gator plan insane. Its also plagiarized. And youll never guess who he stole the idea from. All the stuff theyve asked for, weve done. You know, they said we needed to triple the border patrol. Now theyre now going to say we need to quadruple the border patrol, or theyll want a higher fence maybe they will need a moat. Maybe theyll want alligators in the moat. Jon come on 44 come on, 44 stephen ah, remember back in 2011 when a president talking about alligator moats was a joke and the most embarrassing thing about kevin spacey was kpax. It was a simpler time. But i have a bone to pick with obama, because he also plagiarized that joke from this guy i used to know who played a conservative pundit on a comedy show. Stephen we need a moat. We need it filled with fire, maybe some fireproof crocodiles in there. I want a 20foothigh wall, 2,000 miles long that you can see from space. Theres a moat full of fire with fireproof crocodiles. I say wall, moat filled with flames, fireproof alligators. A moat with some alligators in it. Stephen trump is stealing all my bits cheers and applause what gives . Whats going on, man . Before we know it, hes going his e uo which brings us to tonights werd moot. Well be right back with rami malek. Oooooooooo. Ill show you something neeeeeeewwww. Im gonna make you moooooove. Ill show you something, ill show you something. New. [ song johnny cash, th sthese are my people these are the ones who will reach for the stars these are my people by the light of the earth, you can tell they are ours a new step to take and a new day will break yes, these are my people keep being you. And ask your doctor about biktarvy. Biktarvy is a complete onepill, onceaday treatment used for hiv in certain adults. Its not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv with three different medicines to help you get to undetectable. That means the amount of virus is so low it cant be measured in lab tests. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. Do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. Common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. If youre hivpositive, keep loving who you are, inside and out. Ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. Stop dancing around the painps p aggain advil pm silences pain, and you sleep the whole night. Advil pm hour 36 in the stakeout. As soon as the homeowners arrive, well inform them that Liberty Mutual customizes Home Insurance, so theyll only pay for what they need. Your turn to keep watch, limu. Wake me up if you see anything. [ snoring ] [ loud squawking and siren blaring ] only pay for what you need. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back oh, ladies and gentlemen, this is fun. This is one that makes the show fun. Folks, my first guest tonight is an Academy Awardwinning actor you know from Bohemian Rhapsody and mr. Robot. Please welcome back to the late show rami malek applause cheers and applause stephen nice to see you again. Oh, wow thats so kind of you. Thats extraordinary. Stephen hello. Nice to see you again. Its a pressure and a privilege, my man. Stephen for me, for me it is, too, because since the last time you were here, you won the oscar playing freddie mercury. And congratulations. Incredible performance. , a beautiful performance. applause we actually talked i think we talked at a Christmas Party or something. You were having a party on one side of the building, and we were having a show party, and we met in the hall bay, a breezeway, and i asked, whats it like to play freddie . Its a challenge. It was. One of the greatest challenges of my life, and absolutely one stephen well, im veryell. Happy for you. applause . Stop stop stop no, go stephen get it while you can, baby. All right. Stephen do you still keep in touch with the guys from queen . Yes, very much so, actually. I was with we were together, jon batiste. Were we not . Jon we were, we were. Stephen where was this . At the Global Citizen fest. Stephen this weekend in central park. And i got to open up for them. And i was backstage in their dressing room, and they said, hey, rami, how about you walk out with us backstage. So i did the walk stephen thats nice. That freddie would do in the past that i studied for for a year over and over. I saw him do it so many times with them. It was the greatest honor and privilege to do that with them and be a part of their lives. applause yeah. Stephen well you you were extraordinary, by the way. Stephen oh, they killed it. They absolutely killed it. applause stephen you have got a really interesting job youre doing right now. I dont think im giving anything away when i say that you are the villain in the new james bond movie opposite applause mr. Daniel craig. Yes. Stephen i think you would be a good villain. I hope so, yeah. Stephen and i like you. I like you. Yes. Stephen but as esquire called you, all hail rami malek, overlord of darkness. laughter . I just saw this. I just saw this. I mean stephen do you like that bringer of shadows, they call you. Its good. Look, you wear leather pants, and suddenly youre satan. laughter stephen can you can you can you tell us anything whats it like doing scenes with daniel craig . Had you worked with him before . No, and i was very much looking forward to it. Hes my favorite bond, if i can say that without stephen sure, why not . Yeah, why not . applause we had this scene that