laughter laughter cheers and applause its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, impeachykeen. Plus, stephen welcomes Whoopi Goldberg. And Tanehisi Coates. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen come on wooo wow wow cheers and applause please, have a seat sit thank you very much welcome to the late show. Ladies and gentlemen, im your host, Stephen Colbert. Oh, good cheers and applause lordy. What a day. You really feel the ground shifting under your feet. But if youre at home and youve got a seatbelt on your couch, uh, number one why . laughter number two buckle up, becauseln unnamed coconspirator to Campaign Finance violations, lying about the moscow trump tower, stealing money to pay for the border wall, faking the weather with a sharpie. laughter every time every time none of those are made up. Every time, people have asked, is this the thing . Surely, this must be the thing. And every time, it wasnt the thing. laughter but heres the thing theres a new thing, and it might be the thing. cheers and applause because piano riff cheers and applause because this afternoon, nancy pelosi did this thing today, im announcing the house of representatives moving forward with an official impeachment inquiry. cheers and applause cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen laughs cheers and applause aaahhh okay okay okay, but how do you feel . laughter ill say this finally, a check on the president up until now, weve only had a check from the president to a porn star. laughter now, to make her case, nancy pelosi reached back to the earliest days of the republic. On the final day of the Constitutional Convention in 1787, when our constitution was adopted, americans gathered on the steps of Independence Hall to await the news of the government our founders had crafted. Stephen and a Young Bernie Sanders was there to complain about it. laughter as bernie the top 1 of the landowners are represented by 45 of the legislature and they refuse to adopt my universal leechcraft. laughter all leeches are covered leeches, bleeding, releasing the demons from the skull. laughter and she quoted she quoted the words of one of our founders. They asked benjamin franklin, what do we have, a republic or a monarchy . Franklin replied, a republic, if you can keep it. Stephen wise words. From a man who then took his kite and went outside to invent getting hit by lightning. laughter now, she announced that she would be giving the impeachment inquiry to members of different committees. Im directing our six committees to proceed with their investigations under that umbrella. Stephen smart. They found trumps greatest weakness umbrella. laughter applause so so jon he cant deal with that. Stephen so, why is this the thing . Well, longtime viewers of america know that last week a mysterious whistleblower accused trump of making a troubling promise to an unnamed foreign leader. Then, friday, it was reported that trump tried to extort ukraine into a political probe of joe biden and his son. No wonder pelosis launching an impeachment investigation. This makes watergate look like nixon tried to pass an expired coupon at the kroger. as nixon i had no idea that these yogurt coupons i had no idea that these yogurt coupons were no longer valid. And, furthermore, i believe that when the president redeems it, a coupon is never expired. laughter fruit on the bottom. But for the details cheers and applause a little carrot carrot in the throat. For the details, lets go to our brandnew, ongoing segment wherhe worlds donacolludwith wh . Oh, no stephen according to this whistleblower, on one phone call in july, trump pressured ukrainian president , volodymyr zelensky, to investigate the bidens about eight times. Eight times . In one phone call . Those are numbers you normally see with a toddler asking for a balloon. as trump hello, volodymyr. Yeah, this is donald trump. Im just calling to say i want a balloon. I want a balloon. I want a balloon. I want a balloon. I want a balloon. I want a balloon. laughter no . No . Okay, i understand. I want a balloon. I want a balloon. I want a balloon. I want a balloon. I want a balloon. I want a balloon. cheers and applause i want a balloooon. Hello . Hello . Oh, and fun fact if the end of democracy sounds like fun to you, trumps phone call with ukraines leader took place literally the day after the special counsel robert s. Mueller iii testified to congress abo so the idea that a foreign power like russia shouldnt interfere in our elections is the only thing everyone agreed on everyone but trump, because he just moved one country over. as trump okay, no collusion with russia. Okay. Hello, ukraine . laughter you up for interfering with our election . applause no . No, you dont want to do that . Okay, do you have polands number . laughter yesterday, trump was at the u. N. And issued this denial there was no pressure put on them whatsoever. I put no pressure on them whatsoever. I could have. I think it would probably, possibly, have been okay if i did. But i didnt. Stephen wow. You wouldnt want him as your lawyer. as judge how does the defendant plead . as lawyer the defendant pleads not guilty, your honor. I mean, he could have done it, he might have done it, and it might have been fine. So, probably possibly guilty. Who knows . You know what . Guilty. Lets see what happens. laughter probably fine. Jon roll the dice. Stephen then, this afternoon is this this afternoon . cheers and applause so guilty. So guilty. Then, this afternoon, trump announced that he was going to release the full, unredacted transcript of the phone call, promising, you will see it was a very friendly and totally appropriate call. No pressure and, unlike joe biden and his son, no quid pro quo as trump it wasnt a quid pro quo. It was much more of a tit for tat. That way, i get to say tit. laughter so the president so the president claims that there was no pressure. He says there was no pressure. But trump ordered a hold on military aid to ukraine days before calling the ukrainian president. Okay, that sounds like pressure. Cause ukraine is fighting an undeclared war with russia at their eastern border, and you withhold our military aid. as trump look, if you want our help stopping them from taking more than crimea, youve got to do crime with mea. cheers and applause do you understand . Hello . Hello, mabel . Hello . laughter applause of course, heres the thing constitutionally it is not up to trump to allocate Foreign Military aid. That is congress job solely. So to allay suspicion, Administration Officials were instructed to tell lawmakers that the delays were part of an interagency process. Yes, its a complex interagency process where the administration commits crimes and. Okay, its much simpler than i thought. Its just laughter and its not just the transcript, its not just the transcript of the phone call, because this afternoon, the Senate Unanimously agreed to schumers resolution calling for the whistleblower complaint to be turned over to the intelligence committees immediately. cheers and applause unanimous jon yeah, baby stephen republicans democrats everybody turn it over jon come on piano riff stephen wow, i feel like i just had my whistle blown laughter and i am ready to release the full transcript. Plus is it adam schiff . Adam schiff, chairman of the house intelligence committee, tweeted we have been informed by the whistleblowers counsel that their client would like to speak to our committee and has requested guidance from the acting d. N. I. As to how to do so. Were in touch with counsel and look forward to the whistleblowers testimony as soon as this week. a s oric. Histo. Itsriric,igh stakes testimony in congress from someone with intimate knowledge of trumps criminal wrongdoing. We havent had one of those in days laughter now, we dont know who this whistleblower is yet, but based on their high placement in the Trump Administration and ongoing disgust with the president s behavior, we have generated this computer model. laughter applause we dont know. Thats all thats all those are fractals. piano riff this evening this evening, trump responded to pelosis announcement, calling it a democratic plot. Our country is doing the best its ever done, and theyre going to lose the election, and they figure this is a thing to do. Were in the election. And i mean, if she does that, they all say thats a positive for me for the election. Stephen you know, mr. President , i heard the same thing. Impeachment could be very positive for you. So, logically, it would be even more positive if you just stepped down now. You cheers and applause jon come on get on stephen you could run as an outsider for a second first term, okay . laughter think about it, but not too hard. cause weve got a great show for you tonight. Whoopi goldberg is here. cheers and applause but when we return, meanwhile. cheers and applause band playing only tylenol® rapid release gels tylenol®. Only tylenol® rapid release gels 3 after trying it for a week, dovlike crystal. Ials underarms are so smooth to the touch i vefrell i feel amazingly protected im definitely feeling more confident would you switch . This is excitement. Ahhhh isin we just got off hagrid, and it is by far the best ride. This is universal. Home of tripadvisors number one park in the world. So come join us. Get all three parks for just 53 a day, restrictions apply. [growling] mail slice. Fishrisotto. Buffalo. Buffalo Wild Wings gelato. Cheesecake. Cheesecake Factory mi brseprout. Ke. Cheesecake Factory sauerkraut. Freshcaught trout. Alfalfa sprout. Curry. Fried turkey. Mcflurry. mcdonalds adlib inhale . Spiral ham. Blackberry jam. Rack of lamb. Candied yams. Pokes. Smokeys. Gnocchis. And them banging raviolis. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. I am totally blind. And non24 can throw my days and nights out of sync, keeping me from the things i love to do. Talk to your doctor, and call 8442142424. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody give it up for the band right there hey, everybody jon, two great guests tonight. Two fantastic guests tonight. Jon amazing guests tonight. Stephen in just a minute Whoopi Goldberg will be out here in just a minute. cheers and applause jon my goodness. Stephen and then the great the great Tanehisi Coates is going to be out here. He has his first novel, extraordinary, extraordinary, beautiful, beautiful work of art. Jon yeah, brilliant guy. Stephen folks, i spend a lot of time right over there, sanding and lacquering the intoleek, hyictories of the day doubleskull rower that is my monologue. But sometimes i like to sift through the junkyard, haul out an old pickup truck, knock the wheels off, strap some oil barrels and use a tennis racket to paddle out to sea laughter on the juryrigged survival raft of news that is my segment meanwhile cheers and applause meanwhile. Sometimes you dont get a chance. Sometimes youre shooting from the hip. Shooting from the hip. This is one of those times. Lets see what survived. I have no idea. Meanwhile, this footage has gone viral of a Philadelphia Eagles fan being super angry about the eagles loss to the lions on sunday. Plot twist turns out that man is eric furda, the university of pennsylvanias dean of admissions. laughter yes. And when you dont get into u penn, his rejection letters are brutal. laughter meanwhile, meanwhile im kind of surprised im kind of surprised that joke survived into the show. laughter im a little surprised that joke made it into the show. Meanwhile, just in time for halloween, theres a new sexy Mister Rogers costume. Excuse me, we already have a sexy Mister RogersMister Rogers, okay . cheers and applause the man the man was erotic napalm. Oh, he would take you to the land of makebelieve. laughter meow laughter as henrietta pussycat meow, meow, horny meow. laughter another joke i wasnt sure was going to make it into the show. No do not cut that joke meanwhile, the new Downton Abbey movie dominated the box office this weekend. And as part of the films promotion, you can now book the Downton Abbey castle on airbnb. Other movies have done this before. There have been limitedtime listings for tony starks cabin from Avengers Endgame and bella swans family home from twilight. And my personal favorite, the hole from silence of the lambs. laughter note to renters, before leaving, it puts the lotion in the basket. laughter and it loads the dishwasher. Meanwhile, in Restful Slumber news, these new earthquake resistant beds are making the rounds online. Aww, yeah laughter wooo who knew that being buried alive in a cold metal casket could be so funky . laughter now, as you can thank you, funksters. Now, as you can see in the video, the device acts as a normal bed until an earthquake is detected, whereupon, it becomes a minifortress, which can be stocked with food, emergency supplies, and plenty of water. There is no toilet, however, so make sure to bring a pillow case you dont care about. laughter but why do i need to wait for an earthquake . Im ready to go now. Give me a selflubricating catheter, and im all about that box life. laughter heck, ill do the show in there. But, stephen, you say, interrupting me, how could you do your show in there . Im glad you asked. Check it out. Welcome to the late box. Im Stephen Colbert. Today, donald trump ordered red hellfire air strikes to iran. I think. If i put it up to my ear, i can hear the tv in the next room. It might be ncis new orleans or peppa pig. Anyway, next story. What did the sky look like . Do you remember, jon . Jon yeah. Also how did i get here . I fell asleep on my couch and i ended up in this box. Stephen read your contract, jon. You agreed wed be buried together in my tv box. Its under the pharaoh clause. Jon is there water in here . Stephen yeah, its under the mattress, though. We have to eat our way through the memory foam. Stop hogging the oxygen. We have to save enough for the musical guests imagine dragons. Guys . Guys, are you about ready . Dan . They dont look so good. Jon im getting dizzy. Stephen well, that solves the food problem. Lalalala go into the light laughter stephen stick around for james corden. Good night laughter well be right back with Whoopi Goldberg. cheers and applause to look at me now, you dont see psoriasis. You see clear skin. You see me. But if you saw me before cosentyx. I was covered. It was awful. But i didnt give up. I kept fighting. I got clear skin with cosentyx. 3 years and counting. Clear skin can last. See if cosentyx could make a difference for you. Cosentyx is proven to help people with moderate to Severe Plaque Psoriasis find clear skin that can last. Dont use if youre allergic to cosentyx. Before starting cosentyx, you should be checked for tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections and lowered ability to fight them may occur. Tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms. Or if you have received a vaccine or plan to. If you have inflammatory bowel disease, tell your doctor if symptoms develop or worsen. Serious allergic reactions may occur. See me now. Im still clear. How sexy are these elbows . Get clear skin that can last. Ask your dermatologist about cosentyx. Get clear skin that can last. Halloween is awesome. [trick or treat] yes, yes, yes, yes. [screaming in fear] yay. [laughter] yes thank you. [woof] band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back ladies and gentlemen, folks, my first guest tonight is an egot winner and a cohost of the view. Shes written a new book called the unqualified hostess. Please welcome back to the late show, Whoopi Goldberg band playing cheers and applause band playing cheers and applause thats my cousin over there at your piano. Stephen wait, wait. Jon is my cousin. Stephen you guys are cousins . It turns out we are. Stephen did you guys have your d. N. A. Done or something . He had his done. They didnt tell me about him. They told him about me. Stephen how close are we talking here . Henry louis gates did our d. N. A. , and we are distant cousins, like third cousins. Stephen wow. He did that for me. I got queen noor of jordan, and meryl streep, and elizabeth alexander. Yeah. None of us . Stephen what . None of us . Stephen ahh. None of you, like the two of you . Yeah. I think you should look deeper. Stephen i think so. Just to see stephen i might hit you up for cash if i find out im related, you know. laughter i got you covered. Stephen well, okay, before we do anything else. What, babe . Stephen nancy pelosi at 5 00 this afternoon said that she is finally going to green light an impeachment inquiry against the United States. What are your thoughts on this . What do you think about this . I dont really give a bleep . laughter stephen you you you do not give a flying flag about that she did it or about him or about the inquiry or my question . laughter i dont really care because at this point, i want to have some fun. I just want to talk about something that isnt the ridiculousness that goes on in washington. So i just really care about my book right now, stephen. Stephen really . Yeah. Because you know stephen you dont think thats in any way thats not selfish in any way, that the president of the United States might be pressuring other countries and you think im being selfish . You know this guy has been doing this. Listen, you know what . You can run, take this ball with you, and run with it. I run with this ball every day, and tonight i dont care. Tonight, i wrote a great book. I did and let me let me stephen whoopi, whoopi, dont get me wrong. Were going to talk about the book. Theres no fear. laughter yes stephen but you do have opinions about this cat sometimes. But i have to do this tomorrow, man. I do this all day long. Stephen i have to do this tomorrow, too laughter i know, i know. Stephen and right