I know more about steelworkers than anybody thats ever run for office. I know the h1b. I know the h2b. Nobody knows it better than me. A lot of people dont realize abraham lincoln, the great abraham lincoln, was a republican. laughter i love the poorly educated laughter its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, not so sharpie plus, stephen welcomes Vice President joe biden. And musical guest pixies. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hello how are you . Jon please have a seat, everybody. Thank you very much. Welcome, welcome, one and all, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. The big story the big story continues to be Hurricane Dorian, which, as we speak, is churning towards my hometown of charleston, south carolina, which is under a mandatory evacuation. I hope everyone down there stays safe. Dorian devastated the bahamas over the weekend. And we all want to help, so last night, i talked to our friend Chef Jose Andres of world central kitchen, who is in the bahamas right now to feed the survivors. cheers and applause he is hes in nassau. Right now, hes in nassau, making meals in the kitchen of his restaurant at the atlantis resort. And i love this guests at atlantis are joining in the relief effort, with families and their children pitching in the kitchens to help make ham and cheese sandwiches. They are cheers and applause yeah. Jon thats the right thing to do. Thats the right thing to do. Stephen they are spending their vacations making sandwiches also known as being a mom. applause so last night i asked last night i asked jose what we could do. And he said, just tell the audience not to forget these people. So we found charities where you can do your part. Go to colbertlateshow. Com, and please be generous. And do not forget. And of course donald trump you can applaud donald trump if you want. Of course, donald trump is trying to help the only way he knows how by being an old man yelling at wind. laughter today, in the oval office, our weathertrackerinchief explained why dorian has been so hard to forecast. It is a very erratic, a very slow, very powerful hurricane. Stephen as trump erratic, slow, powerful, and destructive. Its like looking in a mirror. laughter applause but trump wasnt interested in where the storm is going to go. He wanted to talk more about where the storm was going to go. That was the original chart. You see it was going to hit not only florida but georgia. Was going toward the gulf. That was what was originally projected. Stephen why . Why . Why, you ask, did trump show a map with an outdated projection of dorians path instead of one showing where the storm actually went . Im glad i pretended you asked. laughter remember the last two days, how he got in a disagreement with the National Weather service where he tweeted that the storm was going to hit alabama, and they said what . No. Well, take a look at trumps outdated map from last thursday morning. He used a sharpie to extend the path into alabama he gave the storm a boob job laughter as trump i tell you, a couple of high, hard ones. applause before i did that, it was a category 5. Now shes a category 10. laughter so, obviously, obviously i dont think im talking out of school when i say that is an insane thing to do. But it could be a criminally insane thing, because a lot of wonks online are pointing out that this breaks title 18, u. S. Code 2074, which says its illegal to knowingly falsely represent a forecast or warning issued by the weather bureau. Oh, my god oooh audience reacts yeah a little late. Oh, my god audience ooooh stephen no, we already did it. We already did it. Okay. This is what happens when you dont show up for rehearsal oh, my god do you know what this means . We finally got him we finally caught trump doing something wrong mr. President , youre going to weather jail because of the fact that the president misrepresented where the water would go, im calling this scandal watergate. Trademark. Trade. applause at an event right after trumps map presentation there in the oval office, a reporter asked him if he had altered the map. And trump cranked his mouth settings to ramble. No, i just know. Yeah, i know that alabama was in the original forecast. They thought it would get it as a piece of it. It was supposed to go actually, we have a better map than that which is gonna be presented where we had many lines going directly, many models each line being a model. And they were going directly through. And in all cases, alabama was hit. Stephen as trump and i had an even better map than that one, where the line the line the line follows the hurricanes path through a maze, and it leads to a Treasure Chest full of delicious popcorn shrimp from long john silvers. laughter thank you for your service, captain silvers. applause he will be missed. But trump says that the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has another map . Can we put that up on screen . No, we cant, because a noaa spokesperson just declined to address trumps doctored dorian map, and also declined to say whether alabama was ever in dorians possible path. The noaa spokesperson then said ring, ring and, oh i gotta take this, bye bye. laughter it was just his hand. There was no phone. laughter but the reporter pressed on. I dont know. I dont know. I dont know. Stephen oh, he did it. laughter you know how i know . Because trump has never, ever, ever said he doesnt know anything. Thats a sure tell that he knows something. It must be so easy to play poker with this guy. as trump let me just see what ive got here. Let me see. I dont be. I dont know. I do not i do not have three queens. I do not have i do not have three queens. Or, if anyone has a sharpie, i do not have four queens. Anyone have. Any. laughter applause Hurricane Dorian is another reminder of the urgent need to take action on Climate Change. And today donald trump did just that to make it worse. Because his Administration Just announced theyre rolling back rules requiring more Energy Efficient light bulbs, which will increase u. S. Electricity use by 80 billion kilowatt hours roughly the amount of electricity needed to power all households in pennsylvania and new jersey. Audience ooooh stephen thats what you should have done the last time. I was there. Jon timing. Stephen of course, in pennsylvania dutch country, the amish are going, who laugheth now, bitches . laughter applause really . They said that . That seems like that really seems like we made that up. But there must be a good reason for it, right, mr. President . On what . Energyefficient lightbulbs. We will give you a report on that. Were doing a report on all of that. But there is a very good rationale when you hear it. laughter stephen as trump im telling you, its a fantastic rationale, and we had the report already but, unfortunately, it was in alabama, and it was hit by the hurricane. Such a sad loss of rationale. Such a. applause but now there are a bunch of democrats applying to sit in that chair who do care about Climate Change, and theyalked about it tonight. Cnn hosted the 10 major candidates for a Climate Crisis town hall, which was a seven hour live event. Seven hours is not a town hall it is a hostage situation laughter now, the event started just as i began taping tonights show, so i have not seen it yet. Or ever. But we do know that the candidates will take audience questions about their climate plans. Im guessing the questions will get a little less focused on Climate Change after hour five. Hi, im alice darnell, im from des moines, iowa, and my question is, does anyone remember what its like not to be in this room . Also, can i pee in the corner . laughter speaking of desperate to leave Great Britain. laughter theyve been trying to brexit the e. U. For three years now, but every time an agreement has been reached, brexit hardliners have derailed it over something called the irish backstop which is not, as i assumed, the nickname for a dublin pub floor. No, its a customs agreement to make sure theres no hard border dividing ireland from northern ireland. The inability to come up with an agreement on this issue caused the resignation of former Prime Minister and woman not amused by her bubble gum necklace, theresa may. Brexit is now in the hands of new Prime Minister and midlife crisis draco malfoy, boris johnson. audience boos upon taking office, johnson promised to deliver brexit with or without a deal, which might be a problem, because a Nodeal Brexit would be an economic nightmare and lead to food and medicine shortages in britain. That is horrible. Not only will they be without medicine; theyre going to have to start eating british food. laughter either way, either way, theres going to be a lot of spotted dick going around. laughter look it up. But yesterday, in the house of commons, they debated a bill banning a Nodeal Brexit. And while johnson was up giving a speech defending his plan, a member of his own party walked over to sit with the opposition, costing johnson his onevote majority cheers and applause what was that . Can you imagine . Can you imagine . What on earth was that like for johnson . as johnson oh this is going quite well i think people are really liking my speech that one guys even giving me a standing ohhhhh noooooo. In retaliation, johnson is kicking all 21 of the conservatives who voted against him out of the conservative party, including nicholas soames, who is the grandson of winston churchill. Thats like the vatican kicking out jesus cousin, steve of nazareth. laughter i dont know why hes got a beer. I dont know why he has the beer. Dave what about the wine. Stephen i dont understand that. Yeah, yeah. It was water before, and then he turned it into an i. P. A. These lawmakers bucking their own party to stand up to an unnaturally blonde man with terrible ideas gives me hope. If they can do it, maybe we can, too we can, too applause Great Britain is always ahead of us with stuff like this. They elected a woman head of state in 1979. And we didnt do that until possibly someday. And standing up to a Nodeal Brexit isnt the only way that im jealous of the british. Heres the speaker of the house of commons calling for order during yesterdays debate ordeeeeer. Order very rude for members ordeeeeeeer ordeeeer order order i say to you, chancellor of the duchy, that when he turns up at our Childrens School as a parent, hes a very well behaved fellow. He wouldnt dare behave like that in front of colin hall, and neither would i. Dont geiculate dont rant spare us the theatrics. Behave yourself be a good boy, young man be a good boy cheers and applause . Stephen why cant we why why why why did we ever just think of how our lawmakers could sound. Instead of, this appropriations bill will undermine our already dangerously neglected infrastructure, we could have british accent order orderrrrr order now dont be daft about this proposal, you tollywodging git, or ill tell your grandmum what i really think of her jammy squares, eh eh now, be a good boy, donald be a good boy, donald. Go squatty on the potty cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Joseph r. Biden is here. Stick around band playing cheers and applause vo the big dogs. The old dogs. The deaf, blind, the different. Subaru presents the underdogs. These shelter dogs still love unconditionally. Theyre just hoping to find their human, who does too. To help, subaru is establishing National Make a dogs day to ask you to please consider adopting an underdog, or do something extraspecial for your dog. Burrito. Raw kitfo fried shiso. Pork chop. Soda pop. Soursop. Hot pot. Scallop. Kebab. inhale brussels sprout. Sauerkraut. Freshcaught trout. Alfalfa sprout. 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Uncover clearer skin that can last. Janssen can help you explore cost support options. sprint paul its ipswitch and getsprint. sprintern the new iphone 11 or iphone 11 pro with amazing allnew camera systems. And now you can get iphone 11 for paul zerodollars a month when you trade in your iphone 7 or newer in any condition. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Aaddiction. How juuline hooked kids and ignited an Public Health crisis. Other news outlets report juul took 12. 8 billion from big tobacco. Markets ecigarettes with kid friendly flavors and uses nicotine to addict them. 5 million kids use ecigarettes. Juul is following big tobaccos playbook. And now, juul is pushing prop c to overturn ecigarette protections. Vote no on juul. No on big tobacco. No on prop c. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody give it up for the band cheers and applause stephen nice show. Lovely audience. Lovely people here tonight. Jon great vibe. Stephen this is the excitement. It has the excitement of a live show tonight. Jon we have a live show coming up. Stephen when is the live show . Next week . Next thursday . Next thursday is the democratic debate, next round, we will be live that night from the ed sullivan theater. Be there or be scare. applause you know who is going to be on stage, who is going to be on stage that night on the debate, joe biden is going to be on the stage. Jon Vice President joe biden, hes going to be on stage. Stephen i cant wait. And i dont have to. My guest tonight served as the 47th Vice President of these United States and is now running for president. Please welcome back to the late show, Vice President joseph r. Biden applause oh, joe biden oh, joe biden oh, joe biden oh, joe biden where can i get a pair of those . applause oh, joe biden applause oh, joe biden applause stephen you want to leave while youre peaking . applause cheers sir, welcome back. Good to be back. Good to be back. Stephen nice to see you. This is i think this is the third or fourth time youve fourth time youve been on the show. Havent talked to you in over a year. Whats new . Whats going going nothing much. Things going the same. You know, we have theres no global warming. Dont worry about any of that. And everythings going well. The nation is in great shape. And the rest of the world is looking at us with envy. laughter . Stephen okay, okay. Can i leave now . Stephen sure, sure. Now, you once said to me uhoh. Stephen no, no, no, its fine. Its good. You said, do you want to be the most popular guy in america . Do you remember what the answer was . No. Stephen you said, announce youre not running for president. Thats exactly right. Stephen okay. Now you have announced that you are running for president spoiler alert. And youre still pretty darn popular. Well, i guess they dont know me yet. I dont know. Stephen how this is the this is the third time that youre running for president. Youre the frontrunner. What have you learned from your two previous pardon my accuracy unsuccessful campaigns for president . What are you doing differently this time, sir . Well, a couple of things. Pointing out that look, my dad used to have an expression. He said, joey dont compare me to the almighty. Compare me to the alternative. And the alternative is stephen when when did your dad say that . I want to know when he gave you that advice . He gave me that advice a long look, all kidding aside. Im in a situation where i hadnt you and i talked about this on one of the previous shows i was on, when my son was going through some tough times, and after he passed. And you said i should run. And thats why im running. Its your fault. Stephen all right, ill accept the blame. Ill accept the blame. applause . But, look stephen just to follow up on that, the first time i talked to you was shortly after your son beau died, and you had given it serious thought and you said you cant do that unless youre 100 . When did you get to 100 . When did you know, this is something i have to do, for yourself . Charlottesville. When those folks came out of the field carrying torches with contorted faces and carrying nazi flags and chanting the same antisemitic bile that was chanted in the streets of germany in the 30s, accompanied by the White Supremacists and ku klux klan. And, you know, those spewing hate were met by people who said, not in my town. And a young woman was killed. When the president was asked about it, he said they asked what he thought and he said, i thought there were very fine people on both sides. No president , sitting president has ever said anything like that, making a moral equivalence between haters and those folks who said, no, no, not in my town. And i realized that things werent going to change very much with this president and i think that we have to and i wrote a piece for the atlantic magazine at the time saying we have to restore the soul of this country. Because i really do believe that were at a place that we havent been in a long, long time, and a president has taken us there. And all you had to do was look at the people who who gave him credit for what he said. David duke, the