Do you believe these guys . laughter godzilla the usual . What have you been up to . growling hey i was watching that im good. Donald trump has destroyed. Donald trump is destroying. Donald trump is destroying. He will destroy. grunts its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight impeach goes on plus conan obrien and curtis 50 cent jackson interview stephen. And james corden. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey nice to see you good work wooo thank you, everybody. Please, have a seat, everybody. Welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause its the first day of november, and here in new york, there is a chill in the air. Because donald trump is coming to town. The president will reportedly be here tomorrow to attend a u. F. C. Fight. Trumps a big fan of ultimate fighting. He loves being in a room where someones face is more swollen than his. laughter apparently, after the match, the president is expected to stay at trump tower, which, combined with this weekends new york city marathon, could cause major Traffic Congestion in manhattan. Audience boo stephen yeah, it could be a real problem, it could be a real problem. So if you have plans to be in new york city and want to beat the traffic, you should leave no later than three days ago. Of course, the real ultimate fight going on is over trumps impeachment. Yesterday, on halloween, the house voted to formalize the impeachment inquiry. After all cheers and applause yeah, yeah. cheers and applause makes sense. It just makes sense. Jon yes. Stephen it just makes sense. It is november, and its time to toss out that rotting jackolantern. If the house votes to impeach trump, itll head to the senate, where the president s fate will be in the hands of Senate Majority leader and man with builtin travel pillow, mitch mcconnell. Mcconnell he looks comfortable. Mcconnell has been prepping trump for an impeachment trial and last week, gave him some advice stop attacking senators including mitt romney who likely will soon judge your fate. Yes you better be nice to republicans, or else theyre gonna rise up with one voice and say, you got it, boss dont forget to say my wifes ugly and my dad killed j. F. K. cheers and applause you want a piggyback ride . laughter Senate Republicans swear they want to conduct a real impeachment trial. Texas senator john cornyn said, i think it is important the senate process be viewed as fair and serious, and senator david perdue told cnn, what i want to hear is both sides of the argument. Yes, both sides the president abused his office to seek election help from a foreign government, versus, we dont care. So the senate could hold hearings full of shocking testimony, then just ignore it and vote how they intended to in the first place. Itll be just like kavanaugh, except trump doesnt drink. as trump i liked chocolate cake i still like chocolate cake but i did not eat chocolate cake to the point of blacking out laughter are you gonna finish that chocolate cake . Because im gonna boof it because im gonna boof it it hits you faster when you above it. Its easier with an eclair. Youre welcome. Youre welcome. Thank you very much. Thank you. Write that down. Write down when i said that, okay . Of course, trumps not the only focus of this impeachment. The other leading man is his personal lawyer, rudy giuliani, whos on the cover of time magazine. Too bad this came out after halloween, because it would make a great scary mask. growls applause joe biden bad sy laughter in there. Now, the article recounts giulianis recent bizarre behavior, including the time he buttdialed an nbc reporter who heard him tell an associate, the problem is we need some money, adding, we need a few hundred thousand. The reporter was able to hear it so clearly because, as usual, rudy was talking out of his ass. laughter now cheers and applause rudys butt dial is even dumber when you consider that back in 2017, trump named giuliani as a cybersecurity advisor. as trump all right, who do i know thats young, sharp, and a whiz with computers . I know my drunk 73yearold lawyer now, heres another thing. We just found out that less than a month after rudy got that job, he needed an apple genius to help unlock his phone. as rudy i keep trying to buttdial, but it doesnt recognize my ass print i dont understand. I dont. applause none of this should come as a surprise. Rudy cant even figure out how to wear airpods. laughter as rudy wow, these are expensive qtips laughter living la vida rudy does not come cheap. According to time, the former mayor enjoys a 230,000amonth lifestyle. Wow. That is a generous use of the word life. And style. But 230,000 a month . Why does he go to a dentist who operates under the crossbronx expressway . According to time, giulianis real problem is that hes mixing his work for the government with some questionable foreign business deals. But giuliani insists hes done nothing wrong, saying, of course i dont mix those two things. as giuliani unless you mean wine and sleeping pills, because i definitely mix those, right before i go on hannity. now, despite his troubles, giuliani is confident trump wont turn on him, explaining, hes 100 in my corner and loyal to me, as i am to him. Yes, hes just as loyal to you as he is to his wife ivana, his wife marla, his wife melania, his buddies paul manafort, michael cohen, reince priebus, rex tillerson, john kelly, john bolton, jim mattis, the kurds, cheers and applause meatloaf, Chris Christie, Chris Christie again, Chris Christie again. cheers and applause you know what . Its only an hour show. laughter and its the weekend, and we all know what that means time for jane fonda to get arrested again, because recently jane moved to washington, d. C. , to take up climatefocused activism, and as part of her protest has vowed to get arrested every friday. Good for you, jane good for you come on put it out there good luck, jane. Its hard to get arrested in d. C. Even if you confess to your crimes on the white house lawn. laughter so far, fondas been arrested three times for speaking out against climate change, but it has not slowed her down. She even managed to accept a prestigious bafta award while being handcuffed bafta, thank you. Thank you, for the Stanley Kubrick britania award for excellence in films. Thank you im sorry im not there. cheers and applause stephen thats beautiful i love it. Making most of it. Making most of the situation. as fonda thank you to my team at c. A. A. When i get my one phone call, itll be to you guys who says an older actress cant get arrested in this town . Okay, the sirens are playing me off. I love you plaiz and. The thing is, janes not alone. Other celebrities are joining her in being arrested at these protests, including ted danson and sam waterston, who told officers it was his first arrest. applause and the experience has changed waterston, because he has a new p. S. A. For celebrities thinking of protesting climate change. Hello, im sam water ston, here with a very important warning from my fellow celebrity overs 70. No, its not that morning. Though, if its been more than four hours, you should call a darkt of doctor. As an actor i have played a wide range of roles, as a lawyer upholding justice in law order, and a justice upholding justice on the base of sex. I was caught, handcuffed and photographed from a lessthanflattering angle. Before my arrest i was just your average celebrity hanging out listening to ted dansen tell stories from the set of cheers. But now i know the horror of being in a jail cell listening to ted dansen tell stories from the set of cheers. So to any celebrities risking standing up for their beliefs ask yourself, do you really want to end up like me with grandkids Walking Around thinking youre super cool. Dont get caught on the wrong side of the law just so you can be on the right side of history. Because in the criminal justice system, the people are represented by lawyers, not crimers. Dundun stephen weve got a great show for you tonight. 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No on big tobacco. No on prop c. band playing cheers and applause yeah jon rolling baby. I love that guy ladies and gentlemen, my next guest tonight applied to be a writer on my latenight show back in the early 1990s. He wasnt ready then, but a spot just opened up. Id like to talk to him, see if hes got what it takes. Ive been told hes made some progress in the business. Please welcome Stephen Colbert. applause applause stephen, what a thrill to have you here. Stephen so happy im a big fan. Ive been a fan for ages. Who the hell do you think you are . laughter im Stephen Colbert look at me you believe, i really i really i think you have a lot of explaining to do. Stephen i am needy. Youre needy. Stephen and when im not with the audience, i get panicking. You get panicky stephen i get a little depressed when i cant stand in front of an audience and tell them jokes and get laughs. I get a little i get a little i get depressed. I get depressed. I get lonely. Theyre my only friends, conan. cheers and applause im curious, whats that like to be a needy performer whos only happy when theyre getting laughs and would you want it their shallow and empty. I want to explore that world because its a mystery to me. Stephen its profitable. Yeah. Stephen ive turned ive turned my Mental Illness into a business model. You know thats exactly what my father said to me about 15 years ago. He was watching me perform. And he said, oh, i understand now. Youve taken something that should be treated and turned it into an occupation. Stephen did he really say that . Yes, he did. I want to ask you about whats going on back here. Youre not a people person because you douse yourself with purell after each is this what you do stephen notice, before, this is real. You dont have this behind your desk . I have a hazmat chamber they go into. Whenever im done with a guest, and im like, thanks a lot,nt e chamber, and then im doused with various lights, liquids, gases, creams, and oils. Stephen i have this back there to protect my guests because i dont want to get my guests sick. I am always operate ieg dont know how you deal with your show after 25 years. But this is breaking me. Its breaking you. Stephen its breaking my endocrine system and im sick all the time. Stephen you didnt have to say that. You didnt have to say, its breaking my endocrine system. That made some of us feel not so smart. Stephen really. Yeah. Stephen really, conan obrien. Really. Stephen really, mr. Harvard. I knew youd pull that stephen its an endocrine it was a different harvard. It was the harvard driving school. School. Stephen the best, the best. I can parallel park. Summa in parallel parking. Stephen its better than yale diesel mechanics. I dont to gemy guests sick. I often have a cold and i dont want to get my guests sick. Thos very wise. Stephen im being very thoughtful, conan. Youre typhoid mary over on your show. Youre like, come here come here, oldest man in the world. Hello, Dame Judi Dench i didnt really do it. Stephen you really you really i want playback. Jim,iment playback on that. I commit as a performer. Stephen that was like watching a meteor shower. Is this mine . It was yours but now its got my in it, but go ahead. Stephen youre good. How do you come down from a show . When i do a show, i get a lot of energy from it, and i come home, and my family isnt interested theyre not. They dont want hyperactive conan at home. They dont what do you do . You have a lovely family. How do you make that stephen this is how i do it. I live in philly. It takes me three hours to get there. Right. By the time i getthere, i justo bed. My children havent seen me since 2005. What do i do . Uhhh. I dont know. I guess im unpleasant. When i first get home me, too. Im unpleasant. Stephen thats the secret. Find somebody who will stay with you regardless of the fact that youre really hard to be with. laughter can i tell you a story about you . Yeah. Stephen and that is this fall, i celebrated 25 years with my wife, our 25th wedding anniversary was coming up. And when we first started applause thank you. She puts up with me. Yeah. Stephen so i wanted to do something special. And when we first started dating she lived in new york and i lived in chicago. And there was no internet. We couldnt afford telephone calls. So we wrote each other letters almost every day. We have hundreds of letters to eaching. Thats so cool. Youre like a civil war veteran. Stephen very much so. Sad violins play whenever i think about it. My dearest lorraine. And so for theyve been packed away in this box she had a very pretty little box that she put thim nawl and she put them somewhere back in theatic. I didnt know where they were, and i wanted to get them to get a few out to read to each other on our anniversary. And i didnt know where they were. And she knows where everything is but i cant ask her because its got to be a surprise. So i thought im walking up the steps and i thought how can i ask her where they are . And we first started dating is when i applied to be a writer on your first show. 1993. Stephen we were married the month you came on the air, october 1993. And i thought, i know, hey, hon. Got a call from conan last night. And she goes, what did he want . And i said, remember how i applied to be a writer on conans show and he didnt hire me and i dont resent him at all. laughter she goeah, remember that. You talk about it a lot. laughter and i said, he called me because he is ending his present show, and hes going to change up the show. Right. Stephen and for the end of his show, hes going to actually hes having people who submitted to his original show hes going to say look at my 25 years and come on and read some of the original pitches to original show. He wants me to read it at my desk. I cant find the original pitches. She said, where will they be . And i said, the last time i saw them, they were in the same boxes of the letters we wrote to each other. And she said, youll have to put on a head lamp, youll see the kids, its in the bassinet, behind there, its labeled in the box, but its at the bottom. I go, great. I go get them, come out, hide the things from her. And i said, i couldnt find it. I couldnt find the conan stuff. Ill have to look somewhere else. And the next day you announced you were changing your show. Right. Stephen i didnt know. I made that up as a lie to my wife. I i changed the show to justify the lie so you wouldnt get caught. cheers and applause stephen youre a good man. Im a very good man. Maybe the best man ever. Thats all the time we have. This really didnt go anywhere. laughter hey. Stephen hey good luck. whistles youll get a gig. Networks easy. Stephen colbert, everybody cheers and applause that was great. 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