I stated that clearly. I stated that clearly i stated that clearly. How could our system fail like this . Jon hey its very intimidating. Jon wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute. President trump just tweeted at you. Every jazz club Marie Yovanovitch goes to turns bad. laughter what a jerk. He is. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight enter vindman. And stephen tours new zealand with lucy lawless and bret mckenzie. Plus, stephen welcomes Helena Bonham carter featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen wooo hi, there please, have a seat, everybody. Thank you very much. Welcome, welcome one and all to the late show. cheers lovely to have you here. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. It is day three . We are on to day three of live impeachment hearings. And im going to give you all the latest dietz in tonights edition of don and the giant impeach. Help me, please, help me stephen the first of four Witnesses Today was National SecurityCouncil Ukraine expert, Lieutenant Colonel alexander vindman, seen here launching shock and awww. laughter vindman came to the United States as a child when his father fled the soviet union, and went on to enlist in the army, where he received a purple heart for his service in iraq. Given his history, the only way vindman could be more allamerican is if he appeared in a ken burns documentary about the statue of liberty, which he did as a child. Came from kiev. And then we went to our mothered die, and then we went to italy, and we came here. Stephen and when i gwow up, i want to be in the awmy and testify about the pwesidents cowwuption in ukwaine. Vindman used his Opening Statement to send a message to his father, who fled the soviet union. When my father was 47 years old, he left behind his entire life and the only home he had ever known to start over in the United States so his three sons could have a better and safer lives. Dad, i am sitting here today in the u. S. Capitol talking to our elected professionals is proof you made the right decision 40 years ago to leave the soviet union, come here to the United States of america in search of a better life for our family. Do not worry. I will be fine for telling the truth. Stephen that is beautiful. applause that is absolutely jon love that. Right on. Stephen thats moving and its true. And its true. But you know its really going to enrage trump. Because it features his two leastfavorite things immigrants and fathers who love their sons. laughter now, later on, representative sean maloney asked vindman about that statement. I am struck by that phrase, do not worry, you addressed your dad. He would have worried if you were putting yourself up against the president of the united state, is that right . He deeply worried about it, because in his context, it was the ultimate risk. And why do you have confidence that you can do that and tell your dad not to worry . Congressman, because this is america. This is the country that i have served and defended, that all of my brothers have served, and here, right matters. cheers and applause stephen thats right. Thank you. Thank you, Lieutenant Colonel. Yes, in america, right matters. Unless youre one of the congressmen on the right, then not so much these days. When republican Ranking Member devin nunes began his questioning, vindman was not afraid to clap back. Mr. Vindman, you testified in your deposition that you did not know the whistleblower. Ranking member, its Lieutenant Colonel vindman, please. cheers and applause stephen or ms. Jackson, if youre nasty. laughter then im paraphrasing, obviously. Then it came time for utah representative chris stewart, who used his time to throw shade on vindmans military service. I see youre wearing your dress uniform, knowing thats not the uniform of the day. You normally wear a suit to the white house. I think its a great reminder of your military service. Stephen congressman, i see youre wearing your little bitch face. Its not the face of the day, its not the face of the day, but it is a great reminder that youre a total douche. Vindman has an identical twin brother, who also serves in the military, and that was brought up by texas representative joaquin castro, whose identical twin, julian, is currently running for president. Its great to talk to a fellow identical twin. And i hope that your brother is nicer to you than me and doesnt make you grow a beard laughter stephen then they continued for another 15 minutes in a weird twin language. talking in twin language laughter no letters, please. laughter republican jim jordan implied that Lieutenant Colonel vindman did not have the trust of his superiors, but vindman brought the receipts. So your boss had concerns about your judgment. Your former boss, dr. Hill, had concerns about your judgment. Any idea why they have those impressions, colonel vindman . Yes, representative jordan, i guess ill start by reading dr. Hills own words as she she attested to in my last evaluation that was dated middle of july, right before she left. Alex is a top 1 military officer and the best army officer ive worked, with in my 15 years of government service. Hes brilliant, unflappable, and exercises excellent judgment. Stephen he uses excellent judgement. He plans ahead. He brings documents that rebut jim jordans weakass smack talk even before it leaves his y mou. cheers and applause oh stephen republicans spent the whole hearing trying to make it about the bidens, so during his questions, democratic congressman welch offered a challenge to President Trump. And i will say this to President Trump you want to investigate joe biden, you want to investigate hunter biden, go at it. Do it. Do it hard. Do it dirty, and do it the way you do do it. Just dont do it by asking a foreign leader to help you in your campaign. Stephen as welch do it. Do it hard. Do it dirty. But do it right here in front of us, where we can all watch your dirty, nasty little doing it. And i yield the remainder my time to mistress domina, princess of punishment. laughter leading up to todays testimony, republicans had really high hopes for one of the afternoon witnesses. Former u. S. Special representative for ukraine and man spending way too much time on one part of the sex talk, kurt volker. According to previous witnesses, volker was deeply involved in the communication between the white house and ukraine, but today, volker testified that he was kept out of the loop. Not a great sign for republicans when their key witness is a guy whos out of the loop. as lawyer the defense would like to call to the stand a blind janitor who was off work the day of the murder. laughter applause did you see anything . No. Thank you the defense rests youre out of order once the afternoon session started, it was time to swear in volker and former National Security counsel adviser tim morrison, and oh, my god, who let that giant in . laughter im kidding, obviously. While he is 71, mr. Morrison swore in just like anybody else i solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. So help me fee fi fo fum. applause volker attempted to explain why he previously testified that there was no connection between military aid and investigations, which, turns out, is not true. Since i gave my testimony on october 3rd, a great deal of Additional Information and perspectives have come to light. Ive learned many things that i did not know at the time. Stephen first and foremost, among them, that im far too pretty to go to jail. Aye like to id like to volker made it clear he wasnt a fan of his squads nickname. Much has been made of the term three amigos in reference to secretary perry, ambassador sondland, and myself. Ive never used that term and, frankly, cringe when i hear it as volker i cringe because those guys are not my amigos. They are, at best, los acquaintances de work. laughter now, the democratic lead counsel asked morrison what he knew about the Ukrainian Energy company burisma, which is part of the Conspiracy Theory trump mentioned on the phone. And after she informed you of this company burisma, what if anything did you do to determine what that was . After that particular handoff meeting, i proceeded to look it up on the internet. I googled it. Stephen as morrison and i learned a lot of shocking things on google. Did you know the male seahorse carries the babies . I did not know that. Re its quite its quite jon oh, my stephen while the testimony was going on, trump held a televised cabinet meeting. It was kicked off by Energy Secretary rick perry, who began with a prayer for the president and for the nation. Look at what hes doing with his hands. You dont see that very often. as perry dear lord. Oh, boy. Oh, jesus. Jesus god in heaven. I just oh, lord its its dear lord, its never mind who it is. Im praying for a friend whos in trouble. Hed hed offer the prayers to you himself, but first, hed like you to do him a favor, though. Weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause new zealand week continues, and i go to wellington, new zealand, and learn how to be a real new zealander from xena the Warrior Princess and a flight of concorde. But when we return, breaking news out of washington. And breaking wind. Stick around holiday stress . Repeat after me. I am grateful. Audience i am grateful. I am getting all the gifts this holiday. Hurry in for forty percent off everything. Thats forty percent off everything you get all the gifts now, at old navy. Fishrisotto. Buffalo. Buffalo Wild Wings gelato. Curry. Cacciatori. Chimichurri. Fried turkey. Blueberry. Mcflurry. mcdonalds cheese cake. Cheesecake Factory grilled steak. Clam bake. Milkshake. We are americas kitchen. Doordash. Every flavor welcome. paul switch to sprint everyone is talking about. S the. sprintern the new iphone 11 or iphone 11 pro with amazing allnew camera systems. 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Womens sweaters 22. 50 and under. And kitchen electrics. Plus snap a free picture with santa this sunday . Youll find new gifts at every turn this holiday at kohls. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, give it up for the band, jon batiste and stay human. Right there. Killing it jon, jon, jon. Weve got so much show. Jon, theres so much theres so much to talk about. Theres so much to do tonight. Jon theres a lot going on tonight. Stephen this week is new zealand week all week long, all the pieces from our trip down to new zealand. Were going to show lucy lawless and bret mckenzie. Helena Bonham Carter is on tonight in just a few minutes. cheers and applause . Jon yes, yes stephen and tomorrow night, live show, live show after the debate right here from the ed sullivan theater. Dont miss it. Now youre going to want to collect them all. One of the democrats questioning witnesses in the inquiry is california congressman and guy telling you his dad owns a boat, eric swallwell. laughter swallwell went on hard chris with matthew ball last night to lay out some of the evidence against donald trump. But there was what many are claiming was an embarrassing moment. See if you can spot it. Ive counted at least five people testifying this week who were on the phone listening to the president talk about this swap of dirt for u. S. Military aid. Chris, so far, the evidence is uncontradicted that the president used taxpayer dollars to ask the ukraines to help him cheat. loud fart noise an election. laughter ed laughter stephen now, i dont know exactly what happened there, but if its what you think it is, it came through loud and clear. Laugh i can not know this, but, evidently, msneebz mics their guests pants. Now, cards on the table, i didnt want to talk about this. I saw the clip on twitter before i went to bed last night, and i didnt click on it because i thought, surely this will pass. But it didnt. This one lingered. Because this is true, when i woke up this morning, fartgate was still trending. Not only that, a reporter from buzzfeed actually texted representative swalwell and said, im really sorry about this, but i have to ask if this was you or someone in the studio . To which swalwell replied, it was not me ha. And i didnt hear it when i was speaking. You look like you heard it, and are stifling a laugh. I def did not hear it laughter congressman, you claim you didnt even hear it . Now we know it was you. laughter that was established as admissible evidence in the landmark decision of denied it v. Supplied it. But msnbc had swallwells back, because late last night, hardball actually tweeted, sorry to disappoint the conspiracy theorists. It was the hardball mug scraping across the desk. Get yours today not a great sales pitch our will ma millionof people think s laughter but whoever is responsible shouldnt be embarrassed. Full of notable figures who famously passed gas at inopportune moments. And ive been waiting to say this next sentence for years jim, roll the fart montage. Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall. farting i want you to listen to me. Im going to say this again. farting i did not have sexual relations with that woman. farting today, i consider myself the luckiest man on the face the earth. farting thats one small step for man, one giant farting for mankind. Oh god, im trapped in the suit with it laughter stephen when we come back, ill be in wellington, new zealand, learning to be a kiwi. Stick around makeawish child i got this for you. vo when you share the love, you change lives. Over twentytwo hundred wishes granted. More than fifty seven thousand pets supported. Over one hundred National Parks protected. Over two million meals provided. 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The number one recommended brand in north america. band playing cheers and a stephen hey, everybody, welcome back folk, you might be able to tell, i dont know if you can tell at home but im in a really great mood tonight because all this week were celebrating great country of new zealand by showing my incredible trip down there in our series the late show presents Stephen Colbert the newest zealander. Stephen last night i had the honor meeting with Prime Minister jacinda ardern. And after her warm welcome, i wanted to learn how to blend in as a regular kiwi. And to learn how to do that, i flew to wellington and met up bret mckenzie, who is one half of flight of the conchords, and lucy lawless, who is 100 xena Warrior Princess. Jim . Stephen hey you guys. Hi, stephen. Stephen hi, lucy. Hi, stephen. Hi, bret. Stephen thank you so much for meeting me here in wellington. Things in the Northern Hemisphere are looking a little dicey these days and i was hoping you could teach me to be a kiwi to fit in, in case i need to head south if things go south. As an american, i like food so lets put neferg my mouth. What are we looking at . Its a white breadbased dish. Stephen okay. Pay put in there a thing we call tin spaghetti. Stephen tin spaghetti . So this is spa get nea can . Its really good. Stephen is this the result of some sort of world war ii surplus spaghetti . No, its like italian food. Stephen that you had to do something to get rid of. Its an italiannew zealand treaty. Stephen so your greatest chefs are just as skilled as my College Sophomore roommate. This looks like a poptart filled with sadness. This is no, no, no. Stephen okay. This is a classic sausage sizzle opportunity. Stephen again, white bread. Uhhuh. Stephen you have not achieved bun technol. We dont do buns, no. Do you have sausage sizzles . Stephen when i was younger, i needed the money. laughter that is what . This is vegimite, or marmite on toast. This is another white breadbased new zealand classic. I just have to lick is because im gluten free. You know what, theres gluten in it. Stephen theres gluten in marmite. I shouldnt have it then. I might be gluten intolerant. Youll be all right. Stephen ill ask my assistant. I can eat gluten . Its sweet as, youll like it. Stephen what. What did you say about my ass . Its very sw