No apparent reason the big barge theory. laughter then, one is a seasoned tough asnails investigator. The other is adam schiff. Together, with one other guy, they are pelosi, schiff and macgyver. laughter finally, a sitcom about a president raising his two half witted sons while violating the constitution. Two and a half brains. laughter and applause its all happening right here on cbs and local ukranian affiliates. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight ukraine wreck. Plus, stephen welcomes Jennifer Aniston. And Thomas Middleditch. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen come on hey how are you . How are you . cheers and applause perfect hey thanks, everybody. Delightful. Thank you much. Please, have a seat. Youre too kind. Thank you very much. Welcome, one and all to the late show. I am your host, Stephen Colbert. Regardless folks, regardless of the endless roadblocks, the president and his axis of allies are trying to throw in front of it, the impeachment inquiry keeps moving forward. And the republicans keep sinking lower. They hit rock bottom a while ago, but in the last 24 hours, theyve gotten out the blasting caps, and they are fracking americas moral bedrock. laughter ill tell you all about it in tonights installment of don and the giant impeach. cheers and applause the impeachment of your president is a scam. Stephen trump trump has constantly complained that all the evidence about his ukrainian phone call was hearsay. But today, the house heard testimony from a firsthand witness director of European Affairs at the National Security council, and military john hodgman, colonel alexander vindman. laughter now, during trumps ukrainian phone call, vindman was listening in from the situation room, so it wasnt hearsay. Vindman could actually hear the bad stuff trump say. laughter vindman explained, i listened in on the call in the situation room with colleagues from the n. S. C. And the office of the vice president. As the transcript is in the public record, we are all aware of what was said. Yes, we all are. Ukraine said they were ready for more military aid. Then trump said, i want you to do us a favor, though, and then asked for dirt on the bidens and the d. N. C. Pretty bald. Its like if the sixth sense were called bruce willis doesnt know hes dead. laughter jon spoiler alert there. Stephen spoiler alert. laughter jon yeah. Stephen now, vindmans testimony directly contradicts that of ambassador to the e. U. And jeandouche picard, gordon sondland. laughter ambassador sondland told house investigators that no one had raised concerns about the president s actions. Yes, vindman did not raise concerns. All he did was convey certain concerns, share his concerns, reported his concerns, and again reported his concerns. laughter its a classic case of he said, he said, he said, he said. laughter vindman complained at least twice . Twice, to the National Security council lawyer. Once, he even went in person to speak with him, accompanied by his identical twin brother, yevgeny, who is a lawyer on the National Security council. Wait the wha . he has a twin brother who also serves on the n. S. C. . Lets check him out. Aww its so cute when twins dress alike. laughter their dramatic story is chronicled in the new kids movie, the president trap. laughter vindmans record is sterling. According to his opening statement, for more than two decades, it has been my honor to serve as an officer in the United States army. I served multiple overseas tours in iraq. I was wounded in an i. E. D. Attack and awarded the purple heart. The privilege of serving my country is not only rooted in my military service but also in my personal history. I sit here as a Lieutenant Colonel in the United States army, an immigrant. Wow, that last part cheers and applause crazy. That last part must have come as a huge shock to donald trump. as trump what do you mean, hes an immigrant . laughter i didnt know those came in white you know what, he must be audience boos you know what . It must be some sort of man lania. laughter now, i think its fair to say that, unlike donald trump, vindmans character is unimpeachable. But that didnt stop all the president s toadies from questioning his loyalty. He is from the soviet union. He emigrated here and has an affinity to the ukranian people. Mr. Vindman, hes an adviser to the president. Um, he is a former ukrainian. He has an affinity, i think, for the ukraine. He speaks ukrainian. He came from the country. Im of irish descent. I still love the irish. Um, and he has an affinity probably for his homeland. Stephen yes, my family are all from ireland, too. Ive always had a great affinity for the irish, until i found out this ass bleep was one. I wonder. I wonder applause i wonder if the scots will take me. Todays hearings were secret, but pretty soon, were going to know everything, because last night Speaker Nancy Pelosi sent a letter to House Democrats announcing that the house will vote to formalize the procedures in the ongoing impeachment inquiry of president trump. She even sent out postcards save the date, and our democracy. laughter pelosi cheers and applause i dont know what to wear. I dont know what to wear, jon jon oh, man you got to find something Stephen Pelosi insists that no formal vote is necessary to impeach a president , but says that trump and his supporters argue that, because the house has not taken a vote, they may simply pretend the impeachment inquiry does not exist. Yes, trumps strategy on a lot of things is just to pretend it doesnt exist. Uh, the popular vote, the constitution, salad. laughter eric. laughter now, pelosi promises that the resolution creates hearings that are open to the american people. That means live televised hearings. Its going be the highest ratings for cspan since watergate, when Congress Heard testimony from the fonz. laughter mr. Fonzarelli, do you wear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth . as fonz ayyyyyy laughter applause whoa. Ayyyyyy. Trump reacted on twitter to the looming Impeachment Vote nervous nancy pelosi is doing Everything Possible to destroy the republican party. Our polls show that it is going to be just the oppidite. laughter yes. cheers and applause the oppidite. The oppidite, my friends. Well, mr. President , you are clearly the oppidite of innocent, and will likely be imbeefed. laughter the vote to formalize the impeachment inquiry will be held on thursday, and that very night, my guest will be nancy pelosi. cheers and applause yes. Boom come on fancy nancy. That night, that night, of course, is also halloween. So were calling it nancy peghostys Haunted House screampeachment sinquiry into the president s quid pro crow with bookraine cheers and applause we should call it that. We should really call it that. Vindman is not the only veteran coming forward with harrowing stories from the white house, because we just got some new dish from former white house chief of staff and man embodying the phrase what the hell . General john kelly. laughter kelly left the white house in january of. Im going to guess 1852. laughter at an event, just last weekend . Last weekend, he revealed a warning he gave trump while he was looking for a new chief of staff. We were still in the process of trying to find someone to take my place. I said, whatever you do, dont dont hire a yes man, someone thats going to tell you wont tell you the truth. Dont do that. Because if you do, i believe you will be impeached. Stephen yes, john kelly has psychic powers. laughter he can foretell the obvious. Hes nostradumbass. laughter trump responded to kellys criticism in a statement saying, john kelly never said that. He never said anything like that. If he would have said that, i would have thrown him out of the office. He just wants to come back into the action like everybody else does. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Kelly just misses the action i mean, just look at how much fun he had laughter trump wasnt the only one cheers and applause yeah, like gum in my mouth. Of all the nights. Trump wasnt the only one who had harsh words for kelly. So did White House Press secretary and stepford spokesman, stephanie grisham, who said, i worked with john kelly, and he was totally unequipped to handle the genius of our great president. Audience boo stephen yeah, yeah. That was a slow build. laughter now, sounds like trumps buddy, kim jongun, has really rubbed off on him. Matter of fact, north koreas news leader has also been reporting this story. laughter stephen thats a good deal. Theyve got great deals going on. applause fantastic deals going on. Now, last night, the president and the first lady hosted their third halloween at the white house. Its kind of cute. In keeping with tradition, trump welcomed children of military families, as well as local Elementary School students, for trickortreating. What a spooky experience for those children as kid its that big, creepy house on the end of the block. They say the old man who lives there wears hair made from dead people laughter so he looks like hes wearing somebody elses skin laughter to kick things off, the president and the first lady walked out to the Addams Family theme song. Take a look. Addams Family theme plays thats nice. Thats nice. Also makes sense. The trumps are creepy, kooky, and have their own uncle fester. laughter cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Jennifer aniston is here. But when we return, meanwhile the deals keep coming at petsmart for black friday weekend save 40 on all holiday toys and apparel. Select top paw beds are only 9. 99. Plus, milk bone marosnacks are only 7. 99 this black friday weekend. At petsmart plaque psoriasis uncoverth clearer skin that can last. In fact, tremfya® was proven superior to humira® in providing significantly clearer skin. Tremfya® may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. Tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms or if you had a vaccine or plan to. Serious allergic reactions may occur. Tremfya®. Uncover clearer skin that can last. Janssen can help you explore cost support options. chef no no no. Not de bunoney. De pepe. Me me mah . Es verde pepe. chef beaker not de flour. De pepe. chef aker yeah de pepe fozzie vo portal from facebook. beaker ah ah ah repeat after me. Hi am grateful. Audience i am grateful. I am getting all the gifts this holiday. This sunday and monday get fifty percent off everything online thats fifty percent off you get all the gifts on oldnavy. Com geico would like to take a moment to say thank you to our military Service Members at home and abroad for all their hard work and sacrifice. We all sleep easier knowing youre out there keeping us safe. And on a personal note. Sfx jet engines. I just needed to get that off my chest. Thank you. Geico proudly supporting the military for over 75 years. Stephen hey, everybody welcome back give it up for the band, jon batiste and stay human right there cheers and applause very nice. Very nice. Jon, im very excited. Im lit. Im lit. applause thank you very much im just as excited as you guys are, because, jon, Jennifer Aniston is going to be out here in just a moment. cheers and applause jon Jennifer Aniston. One of the friends stephen ive got good news to share with all of you. It turns out and i did not know this you are extremely kind and generous. Because, yesterday, i reminded you about Chef Jose Andres and his organization, world central kitchen, handing out over a million and a half meals to hurricane victims down in the bahamas. applause still in big trouble down there. We at the late show are pitching in with proceeds from our book made up of dumb stuff trump said, whose boat is this boat . And today, thanks to you, our book has rocketed to number three on amazon cheers and applause you did it all proceeds all proceeds of this book will go to hurricane relief. Keep it going. You can go to www. Wck. Org, thats world central kitchen, and give generously, or you can just go buy the book. With your help, i know we can get to number one. Were already at the top of the charts in Atmospheric Sciences take that, clouds laughter sorry. Clouds. applause folks, you know i spend a lot of time over there, knitting the fine mongolian wool of the big news stories into the luxurious cashmere scarf that is my monologue. But sometimes i like to swing by joanns, grab a fistful of felt, some pipe cleaners, macaroni, and glitter and glue, and toss back an entire box of wine, and slap together the confusing holiday sweater of news that is my segment meanwhile cheers and applause there it is. Meanwhile, according to new research, implanting false memories in a birds brain changes its tune. Okay. laughter what are we doing . Honestly, at long last, have we no decency . I look forward to these same scientists giving us headlines like koalas make brandnew facial expressions when you threaten their children in front of them, and if you hook up a car battery to a rainbows nipples, it turns all red. Yes. Rainbows have nipples. Some day, they found the rainbow connection. Really . Thats where you draw the line . At the idea of rainbows having nipples . Shame on you laughter meanwhile, its halloween, which means, just for tonight, meanwhile is dressing up as halloweenwhile. spooky music halloweenwhile, in spooky fast food news, burger king is selling a ghost whopper for halloween, because, as we know, the spirits of murdered whoppers never rest. Halloweenwhile, in other scary food news taco bell. laughter cheers and applause oh. Oh, theres more . Okay. Taco bell has recalled 2. 3 Million Pounds of beef for containing metal shavings. Yes, they discovered the metal shavings the first time a sober person ate taco bell. laughter applause halloweenwhile, a giant pumpkin weighing 2,175 pounds has set a california record and was grown by Leonardo Urena of napa, who says he enjoys the pumpkin growing community. Or, as they call it, the lifestyle. laughter well be right back with Jennifer Aniston. grandson wow. grandfather that was me, seventy years ago. vo some things are worth preserving. You can choose the National Park foundation to get two hundred and fifty dollars from subaru when you get a new subaru, like the all new outback. vo 2 get 0. 9 during the subaru share the love event. I am totally blind. And non24 can throw my days and nights out of sync, keeping me from the things i love to do. Talk to your doctor, and call 8442142424. save on hundreds ofk black friday doorbusters this thursday through saturday only. Save on home appliances, electronics and more. Dont miss the biggest doorbusters of the season. Black friday, only at target. And i like to question your im yoevery move. N law. Like this left turn. Its the next one. You always drive this slow . How did you make someone i love . That must be why youre always so late. I do not speed. And thats saving me cash with drivewise. My son, he did say that you were the safe option. And thats the nicest thing you ever said to me. So get allstate. Stop bossing. Where good drivers save 40 for avoiding mayhem, like me. This is my sons favorite color, you should try it. [mayhem] you always drive like an old lady . [tina] youre an old lady. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody, welcome back ladies and gentlemen, friends and neighbors, folks. This is a treat for you. Our next guest is a treat for me. You know my first guest from friends, office space, horrible bosses and cake. Her new series is the morning show. Its just an event. Really, just an event . Only with the worst timing ever. Id rather stick daggers into my eyeballs. Alex. What . How about you pretend to have Food Poisoning and just dont go . I cannot do that everyone in there will know that im lying, know that im uncomfortable and afraid, that im afraid of whats going to happen to me on the show in the wake of mitch. Everyone in there is press. They think they know everything. Half of them hate me because im too successful, and the other half hate me, i dont know, because their hearts are at home bleep in a jar oh, god oh, i cant cry stephen please welcome, Jennifer Aniston cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen lovely. cheers and applause hi stephen so nice to see you. Its so nice to see you oh, im so happy to be here. Hi stephen im so happy to meet you. As i was telling you backstage, i cant believe we havent met before. I cant believe it, either. Stephen i cant believe its taken so long for your first appearance on the show. What kept us apart for so long. Stephen you live in los angeles. We have a great mutual friend, david schwimmer. We went to college and you worked with him for a few years. A couple. I vaguely remember that. Hes a great guy. But i actually was on the show once, but i got bumped, and stephen i would remember bumping Jennifer Aniston. I promise. We want to thank Jennifer Aniston for stopping by. Well it wasnt i wasnt actually on. Our other mutual friend tig notaro was on. Stephen i think i know what youre talking about. She texted me. Stephen she said she was a friend of yours. And she is. And i said, do you have your number on your phone . And she is. And she is. And you said, lets text her now. And i said, did i make it . And she said, no, they cut it. I think we have a clip. Jim. She is a friend. I have to say that on national television. She is absolutely a friend. A very good friend. Stephen can i ask you something about jen . Yeah. Stephen she does a commercial where she has the lotion, and she drinks smart water, and the dry eye wheres she does the drops. Why does she lack moisture . Why do you lack moisture . laughter colbert here. Did you get that .