All it takes to win risk chaos edition is to boldly declare victory and leave chaos in your wake you just lit the board on fire. Guess i win again. laughing hey, guys, i just got the new risk chaos edition. I win son of a bitch risk chaos edition, nothing means anything announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight burning it down plus stephen welcomes steve carell and musical guest toby keith, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause theme song playing stephen hey there nice to see you i like it i like it thank you thank you cheers and applause thank you, dear friends. Welcome. Welcome one and all to the late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. And folks cheers and applause in light of the darkness that is the trump presidency, id like to start tonight with something nice. Last night, gymnastics World Champion simone biles threw out the first pitch at game two of the world series, but first, she did something really cool there she is, and whoa cheers and applause keep in mind, she did that before the game started. Can you imagine watching that and then watching baseball . laughter it would be like an emcee saying, ladies and gentlemen we sure hope you enjoyed lizzo. Now please welcome to the stage baseball laughter cheers and applause now, back to the darkness, already in progress. laughter late today, we learned that trump will be attending the world series on sunday. Of course, keep in mind, we dont know for sure if it will last that long trumps presidency, i mean. cheers and applause piano riff during an oval office ceremony, reporters say, he was asked if hed throw out the first pitch. Now, its probably not going to happen. First of all, im not sure if he could stick the back flip. And second, we know hes not very good at doing things one handed. laughter ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United States as trump okay, everybody. Get ready for a little chin music. Here we go. laughter pick it up. It made it. Thats 60 feet. Yesterday, the president gave a speech at an Energy Convention in pennsylvania and focused on the technology of the future wall. Were building a wall on the border of new mexico and were building a wall in colorado. Stephen thats right, were building a border wall in colorado. laughter once theyre done with that, theyre building a naval base in idaho. laughter now a lot of people, including me, mocked the president for this, so late last night, he tweeted kiddingly were building a wall in colorado, then stated, were not building a wall in kansas but they get the benefit of the wall were building on the border referred to people in the very packed auditorium, from colorado and kansas, getting the benefit of the border wall yeah, obviously, obviously, like it says in the parentheses, he was kiddingly laughter i mean, if you look at the tape, its clear he was doing a jokle were building a wall on the border of new mexico, and were building a wall in colorado. Were building a beautiful wall. A big one that really works. Stephen yeah, thats how you know hes kidding, because he said, it really works. laughter you know the old joke two peanuts were walking down the street and one was assaulted. Really. Brutally assaulted. He was almost amurdered. laughter now as a fellow comedian, i get what hes doing here. Before you tell a joke, its very important to kick off the joke by saying kiddingly. laughter if you dont believe me, just check out my prompter. There he goes. laughter trump wishes hes fun. Trump wishes the democrats were kiddingly about impeachment. Because its not easy for republicans to defend trump these days. We have the transcript of the phone call where trump pressures ukraine to investigate biden. Then trump admitted it on camera. Then mulvaney admitted to quid pro quo on camera. So, left with nothing else, yesterday House Republicans stormed the impeachment hearings. That is a large herd of white men. By the way, a herd of white men is called a j. Crew. laughter a j. Crew of white men. cheers and applause i remember. This mob was led by florida representative matt gaetz, seen here on bring your chin to work day. laughter this was a desperate, cynical ploy to discredit the basic principles outlaid in our constitution. But gaetz sees himself as a hero. We were like, you know, the 300 standing in the breach to try to stop the radical left from storming over our democracy. Stephen okay, all right, thats one point of view. For a rebuttal to matt gaetzs analogy, we go now to King Leonides this is stupid cheers and applause jon i like that clip. Stephen gaetz played to the camera when he was asked about his friendship with the president. I love the president so much, i might never love another president again. Stephen wow, aww. Thats quite a love story. Theyre like romeo and juliet, except everyone else wants to kill themselves. laughter cheers and applause apparently, the president knew about the stunt ahead of time, and today he tweeted thank you to House Republicans for being tough, smart, and understanding in detail the greatest witch hunt in american history. It has been going on since long before i even got elected the insurance policy a total scam as trump thank you, guys. Youre like the sons i wish i had instead of the ones that i do. laughter cheers and applause the g. O. P. Is saying, we need to know whats going on inside of there, but heres the thing, 47 republicans on the committees leading the investigation have access to the closeddoor depositions. And republican lawyers are given the same amount of time to question witnesses as democratic counsels. In fact of the republicans who r. S. V. P. d for the room storming, 12 of them are allowed to sit in on all depositions. Good protest, guys. What do we want . What we have when do we want it . Already got it why are we here . I dont know. I heard there was pizza i heard there was pizza cheers and applause this is not some Democratic Star Chamber that schiff is running, as judge Andrew Napolitano attempted to explain to his fox and friends as frustrating as it may be to have these hearings going on behind closed doors, the hearings over which congressman schiff is presiding, they are consistent with the rules. They can make up any rules they want . Well, they cant change the rules. They follow the rules. And when were the rules written last . In january of 2015. And who signed them . John boehner. And who enacted them . A republican majority. Stephen what . If boehner did this, that means the deep state has created a time machine and gotten to the republicans in the past. Quick, can we get a picture of john boehner from 2015 . Great scott all of this would be damning to the g. O. P. s complaints, if facts mattered. I miss you, facts. Come back ill floss this time so why did the republicans pull this stunt . Well, one former prosecutor explains it is often said of trial lawyers that when the law is not on their side, they pound on the facts. When the facts are not on their side, they pound on the law. When neither the law nor the facts are on their side, they pound on the table. Oh, trump is way ahead of you, folks. Hes not pounding on the table. Hes quarterpounding on the table. laughter applause but even the republican sham argument that the whole thing is a sham might be about to crumble because House Democrats plan to make the impeachment probe public as soon as mid november. Just in time to ruin thanksgiving. Aunt margaret, can you pass the turkey . Trump was right about turkey and ukraine witch hunt you want gravy with your honeybaked scam, buddy . cheers and applause piano riff she seems mad. She seems really mad. I think i know which turkey trump is going to pardon this year. laughter the walls are closing in on the trump administration, and that includes on trump attorney and man asking if youre going to finish that baby, rudy giuliani. Jon oh, my, cannibalism. laughter stephen giuliani is being investigated for some really shady business dealings in ukraine, and as a result, weve just learned that giuliani is looking for a defense attorney. laughter rudy, if youre looking for a good one, dont look in a mirror. Good news laughter well theres good news for everybody out there whos so high they cant remember the beginning of this sentence. Because, earlier today, president ial candidate Bernie Sanders unveiled his plan to legalize marijuana cheers and applause thats right. Bernie and marijuana, two of the easiest cheerlines in show business. laughter in honor of his new policy, bernie also unveiled his new slogan feel the bern, and hold it in until you start coughing. laughter cheers and applause fittingly, bernies proposal dropped at precisely 4 20pm. laughter yeah yeah jon you know what that is . Stephen yeah and you know what happens at 4 20. Bernies dinner time laughter mmhmm, early bird special, baby. I cant wait to see bernie high. as bernie im 100 baked on the sticky icky chronic, and i promise to eat 99 of those little debbie swiss rolls. Together, we will trip balls cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Steve carell is here. 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But sometimes, i like to go to the mall, get a little tipsy at colormemine, and throw some paint on a ceramic fish, dunk it in the marble glaze, and spill some glitter on it, to create the slapdash anniversary present of news that is my segment meanwhile. cheers and applause meanwhile. Meanwhile. Its a movement its a movement meanwhile, star wars fans are pumped because disney just released their final trailer for episode nine, the rise of skywalker, and it has everything star wars fans love lightsaber duels, tie fighters, and. Space horses . laughter but one scene has hardcore fans worried because it hints at a favorite characters death. What are you doing there, 3po . Taking one last look, sir, at my friends. Stephen noooooo say it aint c3pso laughter if you have to kill somebody, throw jarjar into a lightsaber wheat thresher laughter but between you and me, i hear they had to kill off 3po becse he was about to get r2metooed. laughter jon oh oh mmmmm. Mmmmm. Oooh. Stephen do you think that ones going to make it past the edit . Im not sure well see. Meanwhile, in baseball news, the kids song baby shark has become the unofficial anthem of the world series because nationals outfielder Gerardo Parra here, began using it as his walkup song. Some say its annoying, but its way better than his previous walkup track, the audio book of moby dick. laughter call me ishmael. Some years ago, never mind how long precisely, having little or no money in my purse, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, i thought i would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world. Go nats. laughter stephen meanwhile, scientists have designed a phone case that looks and reacts like human skin. audience reacts heres the new skin phone in action, and gross. Though finally a quick and easy way to know if your tinder date is a psychopath. as buffalo bill it puts the lotion on my phone. laughter this Technology Detects and interprets a variety of gestures. For example, slapping the case indicates anger, and pinching or pulling its skin indicates an upset user. So your phone will need a password and a safe word. laughter meanwhile, theres a new fight against gender discrimination, and its happening on reality tv. I was playing in the u. S. Open and i was crushing this guy. And he starts laughing. Its condescending. I didnt know running for office was going to target my momhood. There were very few women, i could not get hired as a lead pastor. In my culture, men and women are not treated equally. Im going undercover as a man. Working with special effects makeup artists. The best in the world. Everything thats feminine and beautiful about you, we are going to change into a man. Its not me no. We deserve automatic respect as human beings. Stephen this show is the most hardhitting expose since bugs bunny went undercover to investigate sexism in the hunting industry. laughter that wascally wabbit should be given pawental weave. laughter thats as loud as i could do that voice. This seems like a good time to Say Something very important. We here at the late show, work hard to ensure an equitable workplace for all of our employees. Its something that we pride ourselves on, and yo stephen, whats up. Stephen sorry, everybody. I think its one of my writers im sorry, your name is . Its travis. Stephen travis . Travis bromanguy. Stephen and youre one of my writers . Yeah, i write all the jokes about boobies. What even are they . . laughter stephen good stuff, trav. Well, trav, im in the middle of meanwhile, but what can i do for you buddy . Yeah, i was just thinking. You know, like guys do. Can i have 600 . laughter stephen why do you need 600 . For guy stuff. Stephen like what . Im having my penis. Winterized. laughter stephen is that what youre talking about right there . Yeah. Stephen and how do you do that, trav . How does one winterize a penis . Its painful. Stephen really . A lot of rotations. Stephen ariel, i know thats you. Damn it okay. Worth a shot. Well, im going to go take up four seats on the subway. Stephen travis bromanguy, everybody well be right back with steve carell. cheers and applause band playing forget about vacuuming for months. The roomba i7 with Clean Base Automatic dirt disposal and allergenlock™ bags that trap 99 of allergens, so they dont escape back into the air. If its not from irobot, its not a roomba™ and i founded hi, farmgirl flowers. Mbel what started at my dining room table, has grown into a serious operation. Thats why i chose the spark cash card from capital one. With unlimited 2 cash uldntet this card . g i buy i redeemed 115,000 in cash back in just one year which doubled our Marketing Budget last summer and i saw 69 growth year over year. 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This is my sons favorite color, you should try it. [mayhem] you always drive like an old lady . [tina] youre an old lady. vo i know what youre thinking. Electric, its not for you. And, youre probably right. Electric just doesnt have enough range. It will never survive the winter. Charging stations . Good luck finding one of those. So, maybe an electric car isnt for you after all. Or, is it . cheers and applause band playing stephen hey, everybody welcome back cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is a very old friend. He now stars in the new apple tv series, the morning show. Please welcome back to the late show steve carell band playing cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen how are you doing . Nice, eh . Weve known each other a long time. Ive known you longer than ive known my wife. Stephen ive known you longer than ive known my wife. Yeah. We should be together. I think so. Stephen they dont deserve us were famous laughter but it is i love seeing you, but it is a