Keep your foreskin feel this grapefruit. It feels like the pulsing part. Love one another. Im andrew yang, and i approve whatever this was. Its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, once upon impeachment plus, stephen welcomes Jennifer HudsonJonathan Pryce and musical Sharon Van Etten, with norah jones. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen come on ho, ho, ho wooo have a seat. Thank you up there, up there, down here. My friends. My friends. My friends. Welcome to the late show, one and all. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Well this is is this it . This tonight is the last late show before the holidays. I hope everybody out there gets the presents they want. Im looking forward to a great 2020, because next year, we could be getting a new president applause oh, father christmas, if you love me at all. And on day one, he or she will have a very important job getting the old president to leave the oval office peacefully. I suggest cake on a rope. laughter come on lets go lets go but in the spirit of the season, w gnamp credit on a rare good decision signing an executive order giving most federal employees a paid day off on Christmas Eve. Good for him jon thood guess for him that he did that. Stephen good for him. You know, Christmas Eve is a very important day. And so busy. We all get visited by those three ghosts who make us watch poor people eatner, right . Not a pretty d sinight. There are still 15 democrats campaigning still 15 . Campaigning to put coal in trumps stocking, including former Vice President and man who takes his suspendermiming very seriously, joe biden. Biden just released his medical report, and according to his doctor, biden is a healthy, vigorous, 77yearold male, who is fit to successfully execute the duties of the presidency. Although, he does have an irregular heartbeat. On the plus side, our next president might actually have a heart. Biden also applause got there. Got there. Jon something in there. Something in there. Stephen biden also has had a few nonmelanoma skin cancers removed, which his doctor said was not a big deal, explaining, in his youth, Vice President biden did spend a good deal of time in the sun. Well, yeah what was he supposed to do, beat up corn pop in the dark . Overall, biden is very healthy. His doctor notes that he does not use Tobacco Products or drink any alcohol, and he works out at least five days per week. Adding, and i dont know why he had me include this, but hes also friends with barack obama. laughter now with the holidays applause with the holidays coming up, we here at the late show are happy to say we have an early present for you. Its a brandnew animated christmas classic, made specifically for this years holiday season. Its called once upon impeachment. Do enjoy. Ho, ho, ho well, suzie, as long as youve been a good little girl this year, you can expect those two million tiktok hearts under the tree Christmas Morning whatever the holly that means. North pole, santa speaking. Uhhuh. Well, timmy, unfortunately. Even santa cant reverse the effects of global warming. Wha ok boomer you listen here, timmy. Im 800 years old phone ringing oh, hold on. Merry christmas. This is santa. Hello, crooked kringle. Oh, hello, mr. President. Hows christmas going . On schedule, i trust . Well, we didnt know there was going to be such a high demand for baby yodas or nutmegflavored vape pens. Its really taking a toll on our rudolph power supply. Santa vaping kills im stressed. We could really use that plutonium that Congress Approved for rudolphs nose. Uhhuh, its coming. Wonderful, when can we i would like you to do me a favor, though. Uhoh. Breaking news on the 42nd day of impeachment my true love gave to me a second whistleblower i was in santas office when the phone call took place, and what i heard shook me to my candycoated core. Listen i would like you to do me a favor, though. Uhoh. I need you to send me the naughty and nice list. And why do you need that . I need dirt on joe biden. After this bombshell revelation, lawmakers are now demanding a naughty full release of the list. The naughty list. Help me, anderson. Im calling oN Santa Claus to testify before congress on Christmas Eve. Who is this santa claus to tell us whats naughty, whats nice . I mean, who among hasnt, for the sake of argument, helped a good friend bury a body . Maybe santa wants to protect the naughty list so bad because hes on it. Have you thought about that wolf . Santas broken into millions of houses. Watergate was one hotel. Those falalalalousy bums so now we gotta give those mother jinglers the list . Ho, ho, nooooooo, gumdrop the eternal spirit of niceness gave us that list to protect at all costs. Its one of the top three christmas commandments 1. thou shalt keep black friday sacred and give 20 to 40 off all merchandise. 2. thou shalt stand under the mistletoe and give your sweety a big, sloppy wet one. 3. thou shalt protect the list well, then what do we do, santa . We just keep doing our job and trust that congress will do theirs. Oh, bleep rudy the red nose lawyer came to get the naughty list rudy how did you get here so fast . Beats me. I butt dialed an uber and blacked out. Now, by the power vested in me, hand over that list or what . Or frosty gets put on ice dont give it to em, santa im gonna rip off your chestnuts and roast em okay, rudy youll get the list belly is bowl of jelly. Welcome, santa. Here it is, rudy. Be sure to check it twice. Sure, whatever see ya hahaha. That sugarplumsucking bastard is gonna use the naughty and nice list for naughtiness not tonight, gumdrop. Santa claus is coming to town. Welcome back to our Christmas Eve impeachment coverage. Still no sign of jolly ol saint nick. This, despite the milk and cookies set at his testimony table with care. Excuse me, mr. Chairman, but if santa wont be joining us tonight, i have some entries id like to submit from the naughty and nice list N Santa Claus is coming in hot. Going as fast as we can, santa. This things a little heavy. Who should be on the naughty list but joe biden . Steady, steady. Just like when you got bin laden, kringle. And, so, i think we can all agree this proves once and for all, there was no quid pro hohoho santa order mr. Chair, thats my list foolish you have been, rudy. Now just hold on a minute, mr. Kringle thats Lieutenant Colonel kringle order, order. Would the roseycheeked gentleman from the north pole please submit for the record president trumps actual entry from the naughty list . Respectfully, mr. Chairman, whats the point . I mean, you really think it will help . He told you every naughty thing he ever did, and you still elected him president. Yeah, he said he was gonna grab woman by th the figgy pudding yes, very naughty. And thats why im here today, right . On Christmas Eve . To tell you whos been naughty . Well, i wont, because the more we talk about naughtiness, the more it can seem like the only thing left that exists. And so, mr. Chairman, i would like to submit something for the record. The following entries from the nice list. Ah, lindsey graham, november 1961. Little lindsey sat next to a boy at lunch who also had no friends. Remember how that felt, lindsey . Yes, it felt good. Feelin good feels good. I want to live, clarence and heres one from Rudy Giuliani oh, rudy, our rednosed lawyer. In september 2001, rudy was an inspiration to an entire nation. Remember that rudy . Someone remembered i used to be nice. Its a christmas miracle. God bless us, everyone and finally. Donald trump. I got nothing. laughter but, mr. President , theres still time. Why, youve got a whole year left to resign. Initiate drone strike oN Santa Claus. Authorization code 1, 2, 3. Global warmings real, you science scrooge and so, ask not whos been naughty to you. Ask who you can be nice to hohoho merry impeachment to you stephen thanks to our friends at our cartoon president , whose season three starts on showtime in january. Weve got a great show for you tonigh everybody. Stick around because Jennifer Hudson is here. But when we come back, puppies, puppies. Im Christina Stembel and i chose the spark cash card from capital one with unlimited 2 cash back on everything i buy why wouldnt i get this card . i redeemed 115,000 in cash back, which doubled our Marketing Budget last summer. Whats in your wallet . Save on last minute gifts with target holideals by sam smith] save on samsung tvs. Save on toys. Save on sweaters for the family and more. Doors open until 10pm Christmas Eve. Only at target. Too shabby too much i can rent this . For that price . Absolutely. Its just right book your just right rental at thrifty. Com. Choose the longest lasting thiaa battery. Son music energizer ultimate lithium backed by science. Matched by no one. And my lack of imp crnard puy, ahh no, come on. I saw you eating poop earlier. Hey my focus is on the road, and thats saving me cash with drivewise. Whos the dummy now . Whoof whoof so get allstate where good drivers save 40 for avoiding mayhem, like me. Sorry hes a baby december 21st through the 24th sale at petsmart, buy 2 get 1 free on all dog toys or treats plus this weekend, bring in your family and pets for a free photo with santa. Four days left to save. At petsmart you know when you go to ross for a few gifts and realize. Oh yeah you shouldve gotten a cart . Thats yes for less. Get gifts for everyone on your list and save 20 to 60 percent off Department Store prices. At ross. Yes for less. And youre not sure wholl be more excited. You. Oh, yeah. Or them . Ahhhhhh thats yes for less. Be a rock star this season and save big on gifts theyre gonna love. At ross. Yes for less. band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody cheers and applause merry christmas. Merry christmas, jon. A very happy christmas and a very, very happy new year as well. You going to take it easy . What are you going to do . Jon im going to go to new orleans and get some good food. Stephen thats good. Jon hang out, see the family. Stephen thats beautiful. Jon and well be back here in 2020. Stephen well be back here in 2020, fresh as a daisy, wont we, my friend. Jon oh, yes, fresh. Stephen im pretty excited because Jennifer Hudson is our test tonight, the beautiful, the talented, the voice of an angel. Maybe shell sing some christmas carols. Who knows . In the yuletide spirit of giving, for the past few weeks, i have been inviting my guests to help decorate a very special christmas robe that we are auctioning off on ebay, with alo good call nyc, a charity that helps those in need get free legal aid. And this year, so many great celebrities decorated this robe with holiday cheer, like jennifer aniston, eddie murphy, steve carrell, queen latifah, the weeknd, and so many others. Including legendary Robert De Niro stopped by to decorate the late shows christmas robe or, as he put it hi, im Robert De Niro, and im decorating stephens tree. laughter stephen you know what . Im not correcting the guy. Its a tree now. And if you want this celebrity decorated robe tree, head to ebay. Com lateshow and bid. Maybe someone you love will get a great present, and someone in need will get help from good call nyc. applause bid it up, baby of course, Everybody Loves the warm and fuzzies at the holidays, except for the centers for disease control, because the cheer stompers over at the c. D. C. Issued a warning that puppies may be making people sick. Yeah. The c. D. C. s official spokesperson put it this way ugh ive been kissed by a dog i have dog germs get hot water get some disinfectant get some iodine stephen so maybe its true. Maybe its not. But you know who doesnt care . Me and my puppy, benny. And you know what . Not only there he is. Here he is. Come on out, bennie. Come on oh come here, buddy. Ive got him. Come here come here cheers and applause oh here you go. Audience Bennie BennieBennie Bennie bennie stephen how dare you, c. D. C. first, you came for our romaine lettuce, now our puppies . Whats next, baby yoda carries listeria . Oh, dont lick baby yoda. Dont lick baby yoda. laughter well be right back with Jennifer Hudson. applause these little cups would make great stocking stuffers. But how about rightnowinyourmouth stuffers. Happy holidays to your mouth. Not sorry. Reeses. Hvr dips. You either love it or you really love it. Mike bloombergs created on tover 400,000 jobs. Ue leader. As president , an opportunity economy that works for us. Tax fairness where the wealthy pay their fair share. Education. Affordable college and high skill Vocational Training so people can succeed in the new economy. Economic security. Lower Cost Health Care and affordable middleclass housing. Proven leadership on jobs. To build an economy where people dont just get by, they get ahead. Im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. band playing cheers and applause cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody welcome back to the late show. Folks, my first guest is an Academy Awardwinning actress and twotime grammy awardwinning singer you know from dreamgirls and the color purple. She now stars in cats. Please welcome Jennifer Hudson applause wow cheers and applause i need to come here more often stephen there you go, exactly. Wow stephen dont be a stranger. People in the ed sullivan love Jennifer Hudson. Thank you stephen its n that is that is an absolutely beautiful dress. You likeice. It . Stephen i love the sparkle blue. Thats very nice. Holiday festive. Thank you. Stephen now, obviously, people are always excited to see Jennifer Hudson. But people have gotten very excited because you have been spotted portraying a new role. I i cannot wait for this. You are now going to be portraying Aretha Franklin for the biopic, respect. Yes. Stephen thats extraordinary. And is it true, i heard that Aretha Franklin personally picked you to portray her while she was still with us . Yes. Which is mind blowing. Stephen that is. It is. Stephen what was that phone call like . Did you talk to her about it . Oh, yeah. First of all, we had our first meeting about 15 years ago right after i won my oscar for dreamgirls. We had a meeting here in new york. And she made a final decision while i was on the color purple. She said, i made my decision, it is going to be you playing me. And i said, yes, maam. And she said, dont say anything. We talked about it for a long time now and its actually manifesting now. Stephen you spent some time with aretha toward of end of her life. Yes. Stephen i have a photograph here actually, i have two of them. This is classic aretha there. And then this is the two of you i understand you love this photograph. Its my favorite photo. Stephen tell me whats going on here. Here i am doing a tribute i did many tributes to her at the b. E. T. And it was supposed to be a surprise. Were in rehearsal at the venue, and aretha shouldnt shouldnt have known anything about it, and all of a sudden she burst inside of the rehearsal space. And everybody stops like. laughter okay, arethas here. What do we do . We couldnt sing anything. Anyway, she sat down and she talked to me for a long time. And then she made while she was leaving spp they said, shes outside of the door listening. Stephen shes not dumb. So she popped us on us and sat in the middle. When does aretha pop up in your rehearsal . Stephen very rarely here. People, of course, are also excite build the release of cats on friday applause stephen this is a musical a longtime coming. People have been trying to do a cats musical forever. We just have the technology now to turn people into cats. Thats what weve been waiting for. Of course, the great Andrew Lloyd Webber musical. Here you are again, this is done with c. G. I. Whats your name. Grizabella the glamour cat. Stephen grizabella the glamour cat. I asked your costar, idris elba, when he was on here. I asked him a question and ill ask you. You can explain the plots of cats. What happens . Basically, you know how cats get a ninth life. They have a ball once a year and only one cat gets that ninth life. They get to display their talent, whatever that is, and try to earn the ninth life. Stephen what happens to the other cats, do they die . They have to wait until the next year to try to get the ninth life, i guess. Stephen thats best explanation of cats. I dont know if its right. Its right watch the movie. Youll see. Stephen i trust you. What is a jellicles cat. Each song explains all of that. You get the soundtrack, you get tickets to the movie, and you see the movie, and it will tell you everything you all need to know applause idris said that everybody had to go to cat ph steen school. Yes, we did. Stephen did you go to cat school . Yeah, to be a cat, yeah, you have to go to cat school. Stephen this is not the first time you have been to school. You had to go to diva school for dreamgirls. I felt like i was going to class every day. And fast forward 15 years later, and now im a cat. And im in cat school. Stephen whats cat school. Im crawling on the floor. We had to learn to crawl, and come on, sniff around with me leak a cat. Because you lead with your nose or your ears, because we lead with our eye s. Stephen sure. Well, they follow their senses, their nose, smell, right . Stephen yeah. So, let me see you. laughter i dont smell no