President trump what conspiracy are we discussing today, sir . Perhaps the biggest scandal in the history of our country. Did the grey alien introduce gogurt technology to prepare our children for eventual tube feeding on the clone farm . They have the server. They . Who are they . And what is their relationship to them . Crowdstrike, or whatever its called, which is a Company Owned by a very wealthy ukrainian, and i still want to see that server. Ah, yes, the server. Wait, hasnt that one been debunked . I mean, fiona hills testimony was fairly compelling. Why did they give it to a Ukrainian Company . Its an american company, and they didnt give it to them. I think this goes to the highest level. Oh, it goes to the highest level wait, isnt that you . I want to see adam schiff testify about the whistleblower. Okay. Ive got a chupacabra on line two. Got to go. Lets move on to something more believable. Why did the Trilateral Commission release chemtrails to make me gain weight in my 50s . Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight dog day afternoon. Plus, stephen welcomes Robert De Niro. And j. J. Abrams. Featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen come on whoo hi there, hello welcome to the late show, everybody, all our viewers and listeners around the world. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause thanksgiving is just thanksgiving is just right around the corner, but impeachment is still the big story. So big, in fact, that this year at the parade, the transcript of trumps ukraine call is going to be one of the balloons. laughter yeah. Youve got to imagine, this thing will not go away. It looks like its going to head to an impeachment vote. You know this has been stressful for trump. So this afternoon, he welcomed in an emotional support animal conan, the hero dog from the albaghdadi raid. laughter im surprised it was a good welcome, it was very nice, he treated the dog well, but im surprised he did not give conan his famous sports team welcome. Because a dog is really the only one whod truly appreciate a table of cold hamburgers. laughter cheers and applause trump made sure to treat conan like a hero. We just gave conan a medal and a plaque, and its really and i actually think conan knew exactly what was going on. Stephen yes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, for sure. laughter yeah, conan knew exactly what was going on, which is why the dog has released the memoir, apawlling my ruff time in the trump white house. Hes not a good boy. By conan t. Herodog. cheers and applause then, it became obvious trump didnt know what type of dog conan is. I learned a lot about this particular type of dog. A dog that is very, very special. And, we could maybe say. Mike, maybe you can come up and Say Something about the type of dog . Theyre very hard to get this particular dog. This type of dog. Exactly. Because its a certain type of dog. laughter stephen as trump i love this type of dog, its its a special type, a certain type, its my third favorite after hot and corn. Wait, does chili count . Does chili . cheers and applause and, is jon oh, snap stephen is a hot dog a sandwich . Thats the question. Trump even mentioned the special treatment they gave conan at the white house conan did a fantastic job. And, we are very honored to have conan here and to have given conan a certificate and an award, that were going to put up in the white house. Stephen as trump yes, we also gave conan a beggin strip. Were keeping that in the white house too, because i ate it. You know, it really does taste like bacoooon bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon cheers and applause jon im ready for my closeup, mr. Deville. Stephen now, congresss impeachment inquiry is taking the week off. I assume to spend more time dividing your family. But. laughter its important. Theres still plenty of ukraine news. Ill catch you up in tonights don and the giant impeach. cheers and applause boy, oh boy, things are not going well. Stephen one of the great things about watching the rule of law crumble around you, is all the interesting people weve met along the way. None more interesting than Rudy Giulianis ukrainian buddies, lev parnas and igor fruman a. K. A. Tweedle dee and tweedle gonna take your thumb. On friday on friday . It was just friday. On friday, we learned that parnas has some dirt on Ranking Member of the house intelligence committee, and man seen here with his only friend, chair, devin nunes. According to his lawyer, parnas is ready to testify to congress that, in late 2018, nunes flew to vienna to meet with disgraced former ukrainian prosecutor, viktor shokin, to get dirt on biden. So, according to parnas, the Top Republican investigating whether trump tried to get dirt on biden, tried to get dirt on biden. It reminds me of the childrens classic nancy drew and the case of the man murdered by nancy drew. cheers and applause now take the first bite. Itll work. Jon caught redhanded stephen now, the daily beast and cnn broke this story. When cnn asked nunes for comment, he said, to be perfectly clear, i dont acknowledge any questions from you in this lifetime or the next lifetime. Wow. audience reacts wow. Did you hear that, cnn . In his next lifetime, you will not be getting any answers from nunes when he is reincarnated. laughter cheers and applause piano riff now because of the thing. cheers and applause i want to point out that these are just allegations. We dont know whether nunes actually went to vienna. Is what ive been told to say by cbs lawyers. laughter because when nunes finally did comment, he threatened to sue the journalists involved, lying these demonstrably false and scandalous stories published by the daily beast and cnn are the perfect example of defamation and reckless disregard for the truth. And i ought to know, because im the lebron james of recklessly disregarding the truth. In fact, i am lebron james. cheers and applause jon i believe that completely stephen yeah. So, to prove the story is false, nunes went on with Maria Bartiromo and almost answered a question bottom line, were you in vienna with shokin . Yeah, so, look, maria, i really want to answer all these questions, and i promise you, i will come back on the show and answer these questions. Stephen methinks he doth not protesteth enough. laughter its a simple question, dnoons, did you go to vienna or not . Not answering does not make you look innocent. Its like a husband coming home at 3 00 a. M. And his wife asks, is that lipstick on your collar . Bottom line are you cheating on me . And he replies, so, look, honey, i really want to answer all these questions, and i promise you, i will come back and answer them, just as soon as this shirt comes back from the cleaners. Now, according according laughter cheers and applause infidelity no, not me, they are. According to parnas lawyer, nunes vienna trip happened late november, early december 2018. Now, in a totally unrelated story, in 2018, nunes claimed expenses for a fourday trip to europe between november 30 and december 3. Abracadumdum. How stupid do you have to be to file expense reports on a crime . All right, give me all the money in the vault, and could you validate my parking . laughter thank you. Oh, you need to see id . Hold on with all the impeachment testimony last week, trump had a ton on his plate. Also, a lot to do. But, he still found time to spend with his foxandfriends. Because on friday, he called in for an oldfashioned 53minute conspiracy ramble, starting with debunked claims about the d. N. C. Server. They gave the server to crowdstrike or whatever its called, which is a Company Owned by a very wealthy ukrainian. And i still want to see that server. You know, the f. B. I. Has never gotten that server. Thats a big part of this whole thing. Why did they give it to a Ukrainian Company . Stephen for petes sake, its 8 00 in the morning at least let us get a cup of coffee before you start passing out the crazy pills as trump look, what wake up, wake up, i got to tell you wake up. Wake up, everybody wake up. Wake up. Look, why were there chemtrails on the grassy knoll . Did vaccines cause Jeffrey Epstein . And how did we really how did we go to the moon, when once a month the moons not even there . laughter okay . Wake up. Jon you had to get him all the way off. All the way out of here. Stephen heres the thing about crowdstrike and ukraine thats not a thing. Crowdstrikes an american company, not owned by a ukrainian, and theyre so trustworthy that one of their big customers is the republican party. Even fox and friend steve doocy tried to get the president to reel it in a little. Why did they give it to a Ukrainian Company . Are you sure they did that . Are you sure they gave it to ukraine . Well, thats what the word is. Stephen okay. laughter ive got to say, getting fact checked by fox and friends is like the incredible hulk telling you, he doesnt like you when youre angry. laughter trump also complained about the way republicans treated marie yovanovich, the ambassador he fired after a Smear Campaign courtesy of rudy giuliani. I said, why are you being so kind . Well, sir, shes a woman. We have to be nice. Stephen oh, yes. audience reacts yes, the g. O. P. Is so famous for being nice to women that 500,000 of them marched on washington wearing pink thankyou hats. Of course laughter cheers and applause jon oh, oh stephen there you go. Remember that . Jon i remember that stephen remember that . Jon i remember that come on, come on cheers and applause stephen of course, it wouldnt be a rambling trump phone call without some mention of nancy pelosi. I have to deal with crazy nancy. I mean, shes crazy as a as a bedbug. Stephen okay. laughter piano riff jon uhoh. Stephen im going to fact check you there. Bed bugs are the opposite of crazy. They are focused on their target, and they work as a team. Though, it is a great analogy for nancy pelosi, because when you get bedbugs, youre the one who has to move out of the house. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight. Robert de niro is here. cheers and applause band playing for your worst sore throat pain, try Vicks Vapocool drops. Its not candy, its powerful relief. Ahhh vaporize sore that pain with Vicks Vapocool drops and try new vapocool spray. Do you love reeses pieces . 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Please welcome back to the late show, Robert De Niro cheers and applause band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, tough guy. How are you . How you been . Im okay. Stephen oh, good, good. Good. Its nice to see you again. Its always nice to have you on. Nice to see you. Stephen yeah, yeah. I want to talk about the irishman, the new film youre doing with scorsese. 3. 5 hours long, you get your moneys worth, ill say that. Yes. Stephen you really do. And one of his greatest films, everybody is saying. Yeah. Stephen now, but first, i want to talk about a guy you know and i talk about a fair amount, i want to talk about the president for just a second. Who . cheers and applause stephen and before i ask you any questions, just keep in mind, its a family show. This is cbs. This isnt cnn over here. Youve cheers and applause oh, boy. Oh, boy. Youve played a lot of gangsters throughout the years. A lot of people who have prosecuted actual mob bosses say trump runs things like its the mob. How do you think you actually defeat a mobster . Well, thats a good question. Stephen its what i do, bob. laughter well, hes like the teflon don, you know, and giuliani, of all people, the way i understand it, he used the rico act to go after gangster families, and, so, its unusual that he, now, is representing this gangster first family, if you will, so stephen yeah. cheers and applause the whole situation is beyond understanding. Stephen it is, yeah. Kind of heartbreaking, too. You see people who otherwise have been heroes fall. To me its more than heartbreaking. Its a really, really serious situation were in. I dont want to bring people down, but stephen no. Yeah, i think they came pre down. laughter its like a pall around certain things. Its like living in an abusive household. You feel you dont know whats going to happen next, what crazy thing is going to happen next, whats going to make you say what the hell is going on. Stephen because only one angry person gets to say what is real, what the truth is. Exactly. And the truth is not from him, thats for sure. cheers and applause and hes a fake president. cheers and applause stephen what do you mean by that . Well, he calls everything fake because he knows hes fake, so hes projecting. Stephen hes projecting all the time. Accuse them of the thing that you know that you did. Somewhere deep down, i dont want to get all psychological, but that really is what i feel it is. Stephen go ahead. laughter there are a lot of people who want to replace him. And, you know, youre a new yorker, people associate you with the city. Bloomberg officially announced. You know him, right . I know him a little bit, yes. Stephen what do you think . I like bloomberg. Hes an adult. Hes a grownup. laughter stephen yeah. Hes run the city for 12 years. I know there are things he did, you mentioned them on the show, but hes done good things, and he tries to do the right thing. Stephen hes put his money where his mouth is when it comes to Climate Change and certainly gun policy. Yes. Stephen thats certainly more than anybody else, i think. cheers and applause thats certainly a plus on his side. Yes, yes. So, you know, we just have to get past this get over the hump into calm waters, and, so, to me, bloomberg might be the one. applause i love buttigieg, i like so many people. But its a matter of hes still young, he has time, but we need to get past this horrible situation. Stephen yeah, theres a sense of urgency right now. Really, we need to right the ship. Yeah. Stephen well, the irishman, as i was saying before, is the new movie, three and a half hours. I would recommend maybe not the large diet coke before you go in, because you dont want to miss a minute, right . Yeah. Stephen well, this is your ninth movie with scorsese. Do you guys have a shorthand now . How do notes go back and forth when youre actually shooting, whats the collaboration like . Its the same. It was great to get back to working with marty. We just did what we always did. Stephen give me an example of how he might direct you, how you might take a note. Do that there like that there. laughter stephen okay. And if youve got an idea, like, how do you clear it with him . I go, mumbling over here. Stephen go ahead. Go ahead. Yeah. Stephen so chatty kathy, two chatty kathys the whole time. applause a lot was made of the deaging technology thats been used in this movie. How was that explained to you . When he first came to you, how did he explain what they were going to do . They had me to do a scene from goodfellas, and i guess they compared it and worked on the scene that i did, and compared the two. Stephen and digitally made it that age. Exactly. I mean, the idea was i. L. M. , they really wanted to make it the best it could be at that point, and that was exciting for us because before that we were thinking of who would play us younger and so on. Stephen who would play you younger . I dont know. We were not quite at the point of getting to naming actual people or looking for people. Stephen im right here, bob. Right here. Well, i thought of you. But, you know laughter stephen im busy. Youre busy. Stephen im busy right now. Bad timing. And the years went by, and so when all the years went by, it made us older, so we probably had no choice but to try and deage. Stephen i. L. M. , industrial light and magic, star wars, they could have made you a wookiee. They could have. Stephen j. J. Is actually backstage and still ready to go at a moments notice. Yeah. Stephen we have a clip here. Tell us the story and who you play before we go to it. Well, what is it . laughter stephen the clip is i will tell you. I brought a clip for you. Its you and pesci, okay, and hes handing you the phone to talk to jimmy hoffa played by pacino. Okay. Stephen have you seen the movie, bob . No, i havent seen it. Stephen you havent seen it yet . I hear very good things. laughter so whos your character . A guy named Frank Sheeran who was a teamster from jersey with the philadelphia mob, if you will, and joe pesci is a mob boss and theyre in philadelphia and he says that he know