Es wprenid p um wtras there a quid pro quo . Yeah announcer its the late show, live, with Stephen Colbert tonight not debatable and, stephen plays rugby with the new zealand all blacks. Plus, stephen welcomes live John Heilemann and alex wagner. Featuring live jon batiste and stay human. And now, live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen woooo thanks for joining us band playing cheers and applause oh, yeah. Theres nothing like it. There is no feeling like it, everybody. Hello, jon you ready . Jon were ready. Lets get it lets go. Audience Stephen Stephen stephen. Stephen were piping it, were piping it right out of the pipehole, right here. Audience Stephen StephenStephen Stephen beautiful beautiful. A ap rocky. Jon yeah, i like that. Stephen hi, everybody, please, have a seat. Thank you, friends down here, up there, all across america oh, welcome, welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. And we cheers and applause we are live, live, right there after the democratic debate. It is the fifth debate, right . This is the fifth debate. Okay, so hold on. Okay, there you go. laughter and i believe i believe america gets a free sub now. laughter and, hopefully, a new president. We cheers and applause piano riff jon oh, wow. Stephen well be talking about that in a second. But, first, this was a huge day in the ukraine scandal. There was explosive testimony from ambassador to the European Union and man who just spilled the tea on d. J. T. , o kerrr, Gordon Sondland. Ill tell you all about it in tonights live edition of don and the giant impeach. cheers and applause get me out of here roaring stephen thats an angry peach. Sondland dropped the biggest bombshell in his opening statement. I know that members of this committee frequently frame these complicated issues in the form of a simple question was there a quid pro quo . The answer is yes. Stephen yes he said it on National Television im satisfied. I yield the balance of my time to conan jack das. cheers and appoh oh mmm. Now, sondland made it clear, this whole ukrainian scheme, none of this was his idea. We all understood that these prerequisites for the white house call and the white house meeting reflected President Trumps desi anquirements, at the expressres direction of the president of the United States. We followed the president s orders. Stephen historically speaking, there is no defense more heroic than, we were just following orders. laughter now, after months of not knowing why the administration was withholding what ukraine was waiting for, sondland finally called trump directly. It was a very short, abrupt conversation. He was not in a good mood. Stephen that doesnt sound like trump. laughter hes usually a little miss sprayon sunshine. laughter so, on the call, sondland asked what trump wanted from the ukrainians, and sondland said that trump said. Well, illllu what he says he said. So hes going, what do you want . What do you want . I hear all these theories. What do you want . Right . And now, heres my response that ready . You have the cameras rolling . I want nothing. Thats what i want from ukraine. Thats what i said. I want nothing stephen i want something. laughter i want to know whats going on with that couple in the background. laughter what the hell are they what the hell are they doing out there . Jon what are they doing back there . Theyre just chillin, huh . Stephen honey, our neighbor is shouting on the lawn again. laughter go and get the hose. Thats the only way hell leave. Okay, sounds fairly innocent. An angry old man shouting into the phone, i want nothing. I want nothing but heres why he might have been a bit of a cranky pants that day. This phone call happened the same day the whistleblower complaint was delivered to the house intelligence committee. Oh, donnys no dummy. He knew his dingdong was in a door hinge. laughter youve got to say, thats really suspicious timing. Thats like waiting until your parents are pulling into the driveway to text them, please come home. Someone broke into the house, threw a huge party, and hid all the vodka in my stomach laughter cheers and applause jon oh, youre talking from experience, arent you . Stephen now, the president wasnt the only one sondland dropped a dime on. He also fingered mike pence. I was in a briefing with several people, and i just spoke up, and i said, it appears that everything is stalled until this statement gets made. Something words to that effect. And the Vice President nodded, like, you know, he, he heard what i said. And that was pretty much it, as i recall. Stephen now, keep in mind, nodding is the Biggest Movement if hmoves s bodyny more than that, the devil will accuse him of dancing. D laughter wanmoth therats illegal in this town. Kevin bacon applause sondland went on to explain how many senior officials were in the know. A lot of senior officials. A lot of senior officials. Everyone was in the loop. Stephen everyone . Could you be more specific . Secretary pompeo. Secretary perry. Brian mccormick, who is secretary perrys chief of staff at the time. Ms. Kenna, who is the acting pardon me, who is the executive secretary for secretary pompeo. Chief of staff mulvaney, and mr. Mulvaneys Senior Adviser rob blair. Ambassador bolton. Counselor ulrich brechbuehl. Dr. Hill. Mr. Morrison, and their staff at the n. S. C. Stephen id also like to incriminate my agent, baby doll, i love you marcie from wardrobe. Everybody at the r. N. C. Mick mulvaney. We couldnt have pressured ukraine without you. Oh god, theyre playing me off. I want to thank the whistleblower, everybody at hbo. cheers and applause crime is crime is crime is crime. This is for you, mom. We did it good night cheers and applause supposed to go this way. Now, its no surprise who sondland says was the delicious nougat at the center of this conspiracy. Secretary perry, ambassador volker and i worked with mr. Rudy giuliani on ukraine matters at the express direction of the president of the United States. We did not want to work with mr. Giuliani. laughter applause stephen get in line. laughter no one wants to work with Rudy Giuliani he spits when he talks, and he smells like the inside of a belly button. laughter now, sondland said today he didnt realize what they were doing was wrong, because no one ever told him it was wrong. No one said, back off of ukraine, this is dangerous, youre doing something thats untoward, we have concerns. I dont remember anybody sounding any alarm bell because, of course, had someone mentioned it, i would have sat up and taken notice. Stephen of course no one told you it was wrong you are the patsy thats why no one says, hey, can you take this backpack through customs for me . I would do it myself, but its so full of heroin. laughter want to take it . No . Delicious. Now applause hi watch out. Sondland also remembered that he did talk to trump on an uncured phone from a kiev restaurant, but the part he remembers might surprise you what triggered my memory was someones reference to a ap rocky, which was i believe the primary purpose of the phone call. Stephen yeah, a ap rocky was the primary purpose of the call. As in as trump zelensky better launch the biden investigation asap, or his lifes about to get pretty rocky. laughter now put a beat behind that. Now, democrats, democrats on the committee asked sondland about the colorful language that he reportedly used when talking to trump about zelensky. Well, he also testified that you confirmed to President Trump that you were in ukraine at the time, and that president zelensky, loves your ass. Do you recall saying that . Yeah, it sounds like something i would say. laughter thats how President Trump and i communicate a lot of fourletter words. In this case, three letter. laughter stephen huh. They really used fourletter words and threeletter words . What would those be . Quid. O. Quo. Oh, that checks out. cheers and applause weve got a great show for you tonight John Heileman and alex wagner from the circus on showtime are here. But when we return, idivenemy d it sticks around youre not going to want to miss this, everybody we used to love going out with julia and mike, but since they bought their new house. Which menu am i looking at here . Start with tapaz. Oh, its tapas. Tapas. Get out of town. Its like eating dinner with your parents. Sandra, are you in school . Yes, im in art school. Oh, wow. So have you thought about how youre gonna make money . At least were learning some new things. We bundled our home and auto with progressive, saved a bunch. Oh, we got a wobbler. Progressive cant protect you from becoming your parents, but we can protect your home and auto when you bundle with us. Thats what the extra menus for. When you bundle with us. A lot will happen in your life. Wrinkles just wont. Neutrogena® rapid wrinkle repairs dermproven retinol works so fast, it takes only one week to reveal younger looking skin. Neutrogena® sleep this amazing . Thats a zzzquil pure zzzs sleep. Our liquid has a unique botanical blend, while an optimal melatonin level means no nextday grogginess. Zzzquil pure zzzs. Naturasuperiorleep. Everything your trip needs for everyone you love. Expedia. De for everyone you love. Ciouhierghs ibisf ra because i can. laughs make good choices. You make good choices. I am. Fiber is good for digestive health. Good choices never tasted so good. Kelloggs raisin bran. band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody give it up for jon batiste and stay human, the band, the live band. The live band from television right over here. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back. Welcome back to more of our monologue tonight. The democrats, if youre just joining us, we are live because the democrats held a debate at atlantas Tyler Perry Studios tonight. Which explains why half of the candidates were played by madea. laughter joe biden was actually celebrating his 77th birthday today. But a bit of a tough day for the birthday boy. Biden had a gaffe before he even hit the stage. He evidently sent his supporters his postdebate fundraising email eight hours too early at 3 00 today, saying im leaving the fifth democratic debate now. I hope i made you prou there, and i hope i made itd out clear to the world why our campaign is so important. No, joe laughter the debate hadnt happened oh, hold on, im being told were getting another premature email from joe. I just won the election im leaving my inauguration now laughter going to ask mae west to be my secretary of defense. Come up and see me sometime. applause piano riff did we make that up . Okay. Now, once the debate kicked off, Amy Klobuchar got things started by quoting from history. I was thinking about this when i was at the carter president ial museum, and on the wall are etched the words of walter mondale. Stephen wow. Carter and mondale . Really reaching for the stars. as klobuchar in the immortal words of michael dukakis, quoting George Mcgovern and crystal pepsi, lets all hop on the hindenberg and root for the new york jets cheers and applause then oh, the humanity then senator sanders emphasized his colleagues ability to multitask. The congress can walk and chew bubble gum at the same time. Senas sande fact, res a nickel. Treat yourself to a pack of bubble gum. You can use whatevers left over to hop on a trolley and go see one of those new talkies. laughter now applause take it, take it, go get out of here, kid. You bother me. All the candidates were eager to deliver the soundbite, including Kamala Harris i believe that what our nation needs right now is a nominee who can speak to all people. I spent my entire career standing mostly in a courtroom speaking five words. Stephen as harris i was that little girl nothing . That was really big at the first debate. Anything . No . Amy klobuchar had the first laugh of the night my first senate race, i literally called everyone i knew, and i set what is still an alltime senate record. I raised 17,000 from ex boyfriends. laughter stephen thats thats pretty impressive. Now, im sure you didnt mean it this way, senator, but technically, if theyre giving you cash, theyre not called boyfriends. Now jon oh, oh stephen she didnt mean that. She didnt mean that andrew yang wore a pin on his lapel that said math, which stands for make america think harder. But i say we can think bigger. Why not make everybody think harder . laughter i want america on meth jon come on come on applause stephen now, americas favorite mayor americas faormsteel mvo bom, tpeheayegti cagindidates on the stage. I never thought id be on a Forbes Magazine list, but they did one of all the candidates by wealth, and i am, literally, the least wealthy person on this stage. Stephen as pete the point is, i really need that 1,000 a month. Andrew yang 2020 laughter lets go can i get an advance . applause cant make rent. Then, Amy Klobuchar offered up a prime argument for a female president if you think a woman cant beat donald trump, nancy pelosi does it every single day. Stephen yes. cheers and applause yes, she does. And if theres any justice, shell be president by spring. Now, tom steyer made a passionate appeal for Affordable Housing when you look at inequality in the United States of america, you have to start with housing. Where you put your head at night determines so many things about your life. Stephen thats true. For instance, every night, devin nunes puts his head right up Donald Trumps keister. applause and that determines so many things about all of our lives. piano riff now moving on to the subject of international relations, joe biden pointed out that he doesnt have any fans in north korea. Kim jongun, who is a thug although, he points out that im a rabid dog and need to be beaten with a stick. Stephen are you sure you want to say points out . laughter sounds like you agree with kim jongun. as biden to quote Teddy Roosevelt speak softly, and i need to be beaten with a stick. laughter then joe biden emphasized the importance of ending violence against women, but with a really, really poor choice of words. So we have to just change the culture, period, and keep punching at it and punching at it and punching at it. Stephen as biden weve got to chain up that racism and weve got to stuff that homophobia back in the closet come on laughter come at me come at me, bro applause , no stephen then cory booker had a little fun when he lit up joe biden. I have a lot of respect for the Vice President. He is swore me into my office. Hes a hero. This week i hear him literally say that i dont think we should legalize marijuana. I thought you might have been high when you said it. laughter stephen to which biden said why . Do i look high . Can you tell . I feel like everyone can tell laughter are you a cop . Yotell me if youre a hap. O tu you going to finish that . Are you going to could i . applause then, biden tried to brag about his appeal to African Americans. I come out of the black community in terms of my support. Stephen as biden but i come out of the White Community in terms of my confidence to say that. laughter now, unfortunately, biden kept on joeing three former chairs of the black caucus, the only bl African American woman whos ever been elected to the United States senate a whole range of people. No, thats not true. The other one is here. Thats not true. laughing look, my point is stephen as biden my point is, i was also endorsed by rosa parks, Sojourner Truth and black panther himself. Wakanda forever laughter cheers and applause wakanda for Wakanda Forever you know, somewhere out there, donald trump is going, oh my god, i cant believe i risked impeachment over joe. Someone please tell me theres a hunter buttigieg. laughter dont go away, folks. When we come back, ill be down in new zealand, playing rugby with new zealands all blacks. Im your 70lb st. Bernard puppy, and my lack of impulse control, isut to become your problem. Ppy, ahh no, come on. I saw you eating poop earlier. Hey my focus is on the road, and thats saving me cash with drivewise. Whos the dummy now . Whoof whoof so get allstate where good drivers save 40 for avoiding mayhem, like me. Sorry hes a baby its not getting in my way. . I had enough joint pain, swelling, tenderness. Much better. My psoriasis, clearer. Cosentyx works on all of this. Four years and counting. So watch out. I got this watch me. Real people with active Psoriatic Arthritis are elinelfeal rki ndreff taosrgieeted biowilothgc it treats the multiple symptoms of Psoriatic Arthritis to help you look and feel better. It even helps stop further joint damage. Dont use if youre allergic to cosentyx. Before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. An increased risk of infections and lowered ability. To fight them may occur. Tell your doctor about an infection or symptoms, if your inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen. Or if youve had a vaccine, or plan to. Serious allergic reactions may occur. I just look and feel better. I got real relief with cosentyx. Watch me feel real relief. Ask your rheumatologist about cosentyx. Fthe prilosec otc twoweekymore. Challenge is helping people love what they love again. Ju zero heartburn. Because life starts when heartburn stops. Takeosecc dot m. But we figure it out. In fact, people are always doing impressive things. So how come all these people who do wildly challenging things feel like they cant do their taxes . Were talking about a bunch of babybirthing, officediscoing, zerogravitytoothbrushing, latenightchainsawsculpting, dogwalking people. We believe people can be good at anything. Yes, even taxes. Intuit. Turbotax. Trumpand t