Plus, stephen welcomes larry david and comedian Pedro Gonzalez featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hello stephen how are you . Hello, everybody. Please, have a seat. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome i am so happy you knowrt. What . I can tell youre happy. Im happy to be here tonight. Im happy here is here tonight because it was a little dicey the last 24 hours. Because remember when trump killed the top iranian general Qassem Soleimani and everybody was like, is this world war iii . Well, im happy to announce its not world war iii its not cheers and applause i dont know if you can tell, but we made most of this graphic when we were a little more nervous. laughter but heres the thing. Its not world war iii, and thats wonderful. But its not like nothing happened. Last night, iran fired 22 missiles at two military bases in iraq where american troops are stationed. The attack happened at 5 30, and for hours, we knew nothing. Then at 9 45 p. M. Eastern time, our commander in chief tweeted at a worried nation, all is well laughter missiles launched from iran at two military bases located in iraq. Assessment of casualties and damages taking place now. So far, so good we have the most powerful and well equipped military anywhere in the world, by far i will be making a statement tomorrow morning. Well there tthere it is. Notice you know. So important, so important. Right there in black and white reassurance from the commander in chief that there is absolutely nothing to worry all is well stephen oh, no its the late shows all is well alarm jon, quick get the happiness football quick do you have your key, jon . Jon yes, yes. Stephen insert your key. Insert your key. On my mark. 3. 2. 1. alarm stops stephen good work, jon. Jon man stephen thank you, applaus its okay, folks. Its okay. Weve achieved defcon fine. laughter now, youll remember, after the soleimani strike, trump tweeted a lowres image of an american flag. And i guess to drive home the point that this was retaliation, an iranian official tweeted this theyre fighting with clip art. Can its meme its meme warfare. Trump will have no choice but to hit back with, ehrmagerd, were at wehr nope nope nope dont spoil me. Then, as promised, this morning, trump emerged to address a worried world from what looked like a live nuclear reactor. laughter the president started his statement with a weirdly abrupt greeting. As long as i am president of the united states, iran will never be allowed to have a nuclear weapon. Good morning. laughter stephen strange, very strange hello. as dentist as long as im your dentist, your fillings will never be composed of mashedup, other peoples teeth. Hello, im dr. Ditworth. Jon oh, my gosh. Stephen trump was quick to dlaim victory. Iran appears to be standing down, which is a good thing for all parties concerned, and a very good thing for the world. Stephen as trump iran appears to be standing down. And thanks to an elaborate system of ropes, pulleys, and mirrors, i appear to be standing up. laughter pretty good. Thank you for your service, david copperfield. applause old reference. Old reference. Of course, it wouldnt be a trump speech without some missspeaching. The civilized world must send a clear and unified message to the Iranian Regime your campaign of terror, murder, mayhem will not be talarided any longer. Americas achieved energy independence. These historic accomplaments. Chains our strategic priorities. It. Stephen rest easy, america. That is the man deciding who ligs and who dibes. So gm line and its a very nice bottom line were not at war. Were so not at war that theres big news about the British Royal family. Brace yourself prince harry and Meghan Markle, the duke and duchess of sussex, have released a statement saying, we intend to step back as senior members of the royal family. Thats right, harry and meghan are stepping down as senior members of the royal family. Do you have any idea what that means . Because i have no idea what that means. I have there are senior levels of royal. Jon they have levels. Stephen i thought it went king, queen, prince and princess, jack of spades, boy wizard, dukes of hazzard, and then cartoon mouse that sews cinderellas dress. laughter according to the couples statement, theyre withdrawing from some of their official duties and now plan to balance their time between the United Kingdom and north america. I say, welcome, meghan and harry. On behalf of all former rebels against the british crown, youre going to love declaring independence. It comes with free speech and unlimited breadsticks. laughter cheers and applause whats not to like . Jon youve got tow love it. Stephen decrowning themselves will bring some big life changes, because it will allow harry and meghan to work for money, something they currently cant do. This is great. Shes an actress. This means Meghan Markle can go back to suits and harry can sell them at mens wearhouse laughter this came this came as id buy a suit from him, sure this came as a shock to everyone. One bbc journalist reports, no other member of the royal family was consulted before harry and meghan issued their personal statement tonight. The palace is understood to be disappointed. Oh, disappointed. Trans that means her majesty is queen elizapiiiisssed with any luck, harry and megan will be back across the pond in el. And democrats applause of choices out there hello. Still dont know who that is. I still dont know who that is. Last week, they went down to a ton minus one, because former housing and urban Development SecretaryJulian Castro announced he was ending his campaign. So it is time to say goodbye to secretary castro. Okay. Wait a second is that his twin, Joaquin Castro . You guys cant parent trap us get out of here of course, as some folks leave the race, others jump right in. The most recent to join was former new york mayor and man with monogrammed seat belt bowtie, in case his neck is in an descent, michael bloomberg. If you have a tv, you may have heard of him, because bloomberg has spent a staggering 100 million on campaign ads in one month. Hes hoping he can get elected just by being recognized from tv ads, which is why the frontrunner for his v. P. Slot is the mucinex mucus blob. laughter he Just Announced his biggest ad buy of all. Bloombergs campaign has purchased a 60second ad during next months super bowl. We dont know what the commercial is going to look like yet. So far, all we know is that, the biggest point is getting under trumps skin. Good luck. Ache supprela. Nd us nice a nice goal, but that stuffs tougher than the rind on a butternut squash. But just hours after bloombergs Campaign Announced their ad buy, trump announced he was also dropping 10 million on a super bowl ad. Well, i have something to say to politicians of all parties get nt wantsee politicis. cheers and applause thats not what the day is for. I dont want to see candidates for political office. I only want to see friendships between horses and puppies and interracial couples enjoying cereal. I want to cry because of a truck the man loves that truck so that man loves that truck so much. And highs in the truck with another man who loves the truck. And the other man is his father. They both love the truck so much. Audience oooh stephen i love you, truck. In other democrat news, last night, Elizabeth Warren held a big rally in brooklyn, and from the looks of it, she had a great time. Check out her moves just a little bit hey, baby just a little bit stephen wow, shes rocking a real every chaperone at the eighth grade dance vibe. Vogue recently where they asked about her signature look black pants, black shirt, and solidcolored sweaters and blazers. Or, as vogue for some reason put it, warrens closets, kept in spectral order, look like mr sgers. Edtretssch acros but spoiler alert its the shocking ending of a Beautiful Day in the neighborhood. laughter we also its king friday. Thats king fridays dudgeon. The idea is thank you we also got the fourthquarter fundraising numbers this week, and theyre good for the democratic party, because in 2019, if you combine all ofthdeb yeah, put them together. He just put them together. Clearly, in 2020, trump stands no chance against democrazoid. laughter much of that fundraising came from mr. Bernie sanders, who, in the Fourth Quarter alone, raised 34. 5 million. applause yeah. And bernie has plans to use it. While other Democratic Candidates are stuck in d. C. For the senates impeachment trial, bernie plans on attending rallies after hours by hopping on private jets. Now, as someone who has flown on a private jet, let me assure you, those things will knock the socialism right out of you. as bernie equality for all for too long, the billionaire class has wait. We get to drive up straight to the plane, and i can keep my shoes on . The bottom 99 can redistribute 100 of their lips to my butt i am balling out on the g6 shake it up, ladies. I knot a lot of money. Im raining honey roast peanuts back here. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Larry david is here. When we return, facebook promises to interfere in our next election. Stick around band playing cheers and applause Stephen Jon Batiste and stay human, everybody cheers and applause jon, what a lovely night. What a lovely night. Beautiful evening in here. And one of the things thats going to make it beautiful tonight is our guest tonight is the wonderful, the talented larry david is going to be out here. And serendipitously, tomorrow our guest is Bernie Sanders. Jon oh, yeah, Bernie Sanders is going to be in here. Stephen so tomorrow night when youre watching Bernie Sanders, dont think its a rerun of larry david. Jon oh, no, no. Stephen its not. A lot of people make that mistake. Jon its very confusing. Stephen we all know what a huge impact facebook had on trump getting elected in 2016. And the dangers of facebooks power have just been addressed in a newly released internal guy about to rap about fractions, andrew bosworth. In his memo, bosworth acknowledged that facebook had been late to address the issues of data security, misinformation, and foreign interference. Youre not late if youve never started. You Just Announced facebook wont stop running political ads and wont stop candidates from lying in them. Thats why were still seeing ads for Bernie Sanders one weird trick to lose belly fat. laughter he looks good. He looks good. Jon mmm stephen now, despite facebook doing jackall about being a tool to help trump, and bosworth saying he wants trump to lose, bosworth doesnt want to do anything rash, such as anything, writing, facebook has a moral duty not to tilt the he seeksgainst trump as reelection. Adding, he found himself wanting to use the social networks powerful platformagt feels tempted to do so, i find myself thinking of the lord of the rings at this moment specifically, when frodo offers the ring to galaial, and she imagines using the power righteously at first, but knows it will eventually corrupt her. Okay, look, i get what youre trying to say here you dont want to use evil to defeat evil, but. Galadrial . come on, man its galad of the woods, lady of lorien,dylariel the valley of the singing gold. One of the three elfen rings of power. Galadriel. Galadrial sounds like the elf that runs a radiator repair shop in rivendell no way i can do it before tuesday. Sorry about that. Before we go on, i want to . Mi youre on my turf defending the president of the united states. A man we can best describe as morgoths left nard. Oh, you t kn who morgoth is . Apu knowy valar name, melkor . Brother of manwe. No . Then buckle up, mellon, because im about to school the shire out of you. cheers and applause Facebook Facebook facebook is an allpowerful device used by the forces of evil to corrupt men,o it less like t one ring a more ke the nine rings that turned the fallen kings into the nazgul before binding their fate to that of the dark lord sauron. Oh, and, also, unlike you, galadriel doesnt collect a weekly paycheck from the ring. Now, go back to the shadow. Because your excuses shall not pass cheers and applause well be right back with larry david. The sun is risin as the day begins time for reflectin on family and friends and hey, we got somethin just for you sniffing its a cup of your favoriiiite. loud spin its a cup of your highpitched laughter dang woodchucks co, the savings keep on going. Just like this sequel. 15 minutes could save you 15 or more on Car Insurance. Thats a reason to switch to Jackson Hewitt,. Conveniently located in walmart. Now enjoy a bonus gift card up to 100. When you file taxes with Jackson Hewitt and get part of your refund on a walmart gift card. Get your bonus at Jackson Hewitt at walmart. Aveeno® with prebiotic striple oat complex balances skins microbiome. So skin looks like this and you feel like this. Aveeno® skin lief. Get skin healthy™ mom vo we got a subaru to give him some ato reconnect and be together. And once we did that, we realized his greatest adventure is just beginning. vo welcome to the most adventurous outback ever. The allnew subaru outback. Go where love takes you. Trumpand total disaster. Mplete let obamacare implode. Nurse these wild attacks on healthcare hurt the patients i care for. Ive been a nurse in new york for thirty years. I know the difference leadership can make because i saw what Mike Bloomberg did as mayor. Vo mayor bloomberg helped lower the number of uninsured by 40 , covering 700,000 more new yorkers, Life Expectancy increased. He helped expand Health Coverage to 200,000 more kids and upgraded pediatric care infant mortality rates dropped to record lows. And as mayor, Mike Bloomberg always championed Reproductive Health for women. So when you hear Mike Bloomberg on health care. Mrb this is america. We can certainly afford to make sure that everybody that needs to see a doctor can see a doctor, everybody that needs medicines to stay healthy can get those medicines. Nurse you should know, he did it as mayor, hell get it done as president. Mrb im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. band playing cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. My first guest is an actor, writer, producer, and comedian. He is the creator and star of curb your enthusiasm, which is returning for its 10th season. Please welcome larry david applause cheers and applause this is very nice. Stephen it is nice, isnt it . This is very, very comfortable. Stephen thank you we want people to want to stay. And its facing its facing forward, you know. Stephen what do you mean . Well, a lot of they used to be diagonal couches, right. Stephen sure, sure, sure. Im willing to turn and face you. I dont make you turn and face me. Thats wait it should be. Stephen thank you. Im the host. Youre my guest. Of course i would treat you better than youre treating me. Yeah, well. That remains to be seen. Stephen its early. Its early. Stephen happy new year, by the way. Come on. Stephen what do you mean . You dont want a happy new year . Its a little late, isnt it . Are you kidding . Stephen its january 8. Thats too late. Thats enough. Thats enough. Stephen what is the cutoff . Because youre getting it 10 days before okay stephen no youre getting Merry Christmas 10 days before. But youre getting happy new year. Youre getting happy new year. We dont need it. Stephen do you do resolutions . That lasts all year. Its never too late for that. Thats interesting because stephen it remains to be seen whether its interesting. This is very interesting. This is interesting. Stephen okay. See, heres the thing i never used to do resolutions. A couple years ago, okay, i i did one. And its worked, and it was pee before you leave. Stephen anywhere. Anywhere, yeah. You know. applause dont be dont be ashamed to go to the bathroom. Just say, i have to go to the bathroom before i go. You know . People arent going to look down on you for doing that. Stephen no. Go to the bathroom. And then leave, youll be so much happier than sitting in the car curgs yourself going, i dont know why i didnt go to the bathroom. Why didnt i go . Thats a good one. And thats lasted. Stephen really . Yes. Stephen okay. Notice, last year i had another one. Stephen sure. Thats been very good. Stephen all right. And that was. Make two trips. Make two trips. Youre coming home with groceries, okay. Youve got to go in the house. Dont pile up it all, you know,. Stephen okay. Dont pile everything up and go in the house. Stephen yeah. And youll drop stuff. Youre dropping cantaloupe on the floor, you know. Go in with one back baghdadi. You know, take half, go in the house, drop it off. Then go back to the car. Make two trips. Stephen sure. Thats the idea. Stephen you threw me you threw mea little bit there applause yeah. Stephen they like it. You threw me slightly there when you said, make two trips, i thought two trips to the bathroom . I was going to say, two trips, and then straight to the urologist. I can see how you were thrown by that. Stephen i was a little thrown by that. I can see, that yeah. Stephen do you go to a place that gives the paper bags, plastic bags or do you bring your own bags. Who shops . Are you nuts. Stephen i love shopping. Do you bring your plastic bag. Stephen no the shopping bags for the grocery, the cloth bags so you dont i care about the environment. I dont know if you care about the environment . How dare you accuse me of not caring about the environment. Stephen i was asking if you care about the environment. I dont know in you care about the environment. I know there was an attitude they picked up on. Stephen i apologize. I thought i didnt care stephen i apologize. Im the host and youre the guest. I should treat you better than this. You see . I told you. Stephen