Stephen anyway, have a great show. But you know who else loved it is when i washed yo yo mas cello, and he was so grateful. Stephen you washed his stradivarius . Oh, a stradivarius. So, its, like, 300 years old, so really dirty. So no wonder he was so grateful. He looked at me with tears of joy. It was so nice. laughter playing off key stephen anyway, great to see you. Break a leg tonight. Hey, stephen, stephen. Stephen yeah . Want me to give those glasses a good cleaning for the show . Stephen uh it helps. Stephen sure. Yeah, sure. No, you can leave them on, thats fine. Yeah, there you go. Splash it up good. There you go. Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight at dershowitzs end plus, stephen welcomes steve martin and musical guest steve martin and the Steep Canyon Rangers featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert stephen come on cheers and applause wooo hello, citizens. Hello, citizens. Fantastic fantastic thats nice. You dont get to do that every day. cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, friends and neighbors, messeuir and madames, welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. And we are coming cheers and applause yeah. Jon yeah stephen you can feel a lot of energy in the country right now because we are coming to what might be the end of Donald Trumps impeachment trial. The republicans are trying to wrap it all up in time to not learn anything. laughter its all explained in the new film i dont want to know what you did last summer. laughter were going to find out. Im going to find out. Now coming to get you cheers and applause now, we learned a lot. There have been a lot of arguments today. And well tell you all about it in tonights don and the giant impeach. dingding oh, no oh, my goodness. Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. bell rings stephen today, we began a new phase of the trial, where senators can ask questions of the two sides lawyers sort of. Because under the trial rules, senators are to submit written queries to be read aloud by chief justice john roberts. So its kind of like sex ed, where they let the students submit uncomfortable questions anonymously. as roberts lets see here, the distinguished gentleman from indiana inquires can you get pregnant from hand stuff . you cant, you cant. Everything is fine. The star of todays trial was trumps lawyer and aging underwear model, Alan Dershowitz. Audience booooo stephen enjoy retirement. laughter he was, he was ready to go the moment he arrived at the senate building, proudly holding up a bag of utz sour cream and onion chips. Which i personally think they should use in a new ad campaign defending this president . That is utzd up. Now cheers and applause love it. I could go for a little utz. Jon barbecue flavor. Stephen when questions began, dershowitz launched into a sort of freudian defense. Every public official that i know believes that his election is in the Public Interest. Every president believes that. That is why its so dangerous to try to psychoanalyze a president , to try to get into the intricacies of the human mind stephen yes, so true, trumps mind is so intricate and hard to penetrate. Its full of complex ideas, like as trump sharks bad. Boobs good. Wheres food . Now, dershowitz previously gave us the crazy theory, quid pro quo isnt impeachable. Today, he rolled out his sequel it might be good every public official that i know believes that his election is in the Public Interest. And, mostly, you are right. Your election is in the Public Interest. And if a president does something which he believes will help him get elected, in the Public Interest, that cannot be the kind of quid pro quo that results in impeachment audience reacts stephen so. Let me get this straight hes saying that if a politician believes their reelection is in the Public Interest and he just said all politicians believe that, it naturally follows that anything they do to get reelected is fine. That seems like a crazy, corrupt argument. I mean, no one has ever argued that that quid pro quo isnt illgal. When the president does it, that means that it is not illegal. Stephen i stand corrected laughter i stand corrected. applause jon whoa, whoa. Stephen by yet another dick. laughter applause now, now, sifting through the logical turd dershowitz just pinched out in the senate well there, its hard to find the largest corn kernel of logical fallacy. laughter but i think its this his justification why any quid pro quo with a Foreign Government to manipulate our elections would be fine. Why is that again, alan . Your election is in the Public Interest. Stephen no, its not only the public gets to decide whats in the Public Interest, not the politician. cheers and applause that its its we the people not you the douche bag. Thats why on election day, you dont see a politician wearing a sticker that says, you voted. Trust me. Of course, esteemed counselor tightey whitey does think some quid pro quo might be possibly bad. It would be a much harder case if a hypothetical president of the United States said to a hypothetical leader of a foreign country, unless you build a hotel with my name on it and unless you give me a Million Dollar kickback, i will withhold the funds. Stephen as trump slow down, slow down, dersh. These are great ideas. Eric, start taking notes. What was that again . What was that again . Now, he continued with his blueprint for a Banana Republic a complex middle case is, i want to be elected. I think im a great president. I think im the greatest president there ever was, and if im not elected, the National Interest will suffer greatly. That cannot be an Impeachable Offense. Stephen that cannot be an Impeachable Offense . You can do anything if you believe in yourself . laughter what sort of inspirational posters are hanging in dershowitzs office . Confidence when you believe you can fly, youre always above the law. cheers and applause so so jon wow. Ooooh stephen so so what would make a quid quo pro illegal, Alan Dershowitz . The only thing that would make a quid pro quo unlawful is if the quo were, in some way, illegal. Stephen so the only way it would be illegal is if its illegal. laughter your logic is like a snake eating its own tail or a head eating its own ass, because im pretty sure you pulled that argument right out of the old dershy highway. laughter now, earlier today cheers and applause jon get it off. Stephen earlier today, trump held a signing ceremony for his u. S. M. C. A. Trade deal, and he got some of his senate buddies pumped to ask their questions. Ted cruz. Boy, has he been where is ted . Boy, oh, boy, and hes dying to get back there and ask those questions, i know. Hes sitting there, let me out of here, president i want to ask those questions hes got some beauties, ill bet. Stephen its true. In fact, we have a copy of ted cruzs first question today, why do people of earth recoil when viewing ted cruzs human smile . laughter the big decision the big decision hanging over the impeachment trial is whether or not the senate is going to allow any witnesses. Specifically, former National Security advisor john bolton, seen here after being told he cant have a balloon or a war with iran. laughter now, reportedly, in boltons upcoming book, he says trump told him personally that military aid to ukraine was being held up unless zelensky launched an investigation of the bidens. There it is. Thats not a smoking gun. That is a flamethrower that is on fire. Today cheers and applause today, naturally, in response to this revelation, today trump attacked boltons character tweeting as trump for a guy who couldnt get approved for the ambassador to the u. N. Years ago, couldnt get approved for anything since, begged me for a nonsenate approved job which i gave him despite many saying dont do it, sir takes the job, mistakenly says libyan model on tv, and dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, many more mistakes of judgement, gets fired because, frankly, if i listened to him, we would be in world war six by now, and goes out and immediately writes a nasty and untrue book, all classified National Security. Who would do this . First of all, world war six . Is that when we launch operation tokyo drift . laughter also, if everything bolton said is nasty and untrue, how can it also be classified . That would certainly change mission impossible. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is nasty and untrue. This tape will selfdestruct in five seconds. I lied, its two explosion laughter stephen trump also tweeted, why didnt john bolton complain about this nonsense a long time ago, when he was very publicly terminated . He said not that it matters nothing as trump he said nothing not that it matters. Because john boltons betrayal definitely didnt hurt my feelings. I dont spend my nights clutching the pringles can with his face on it, crying and eating his delicious crispy innards. laughter no. Me and dershowitz have moved on to our new friend, mr. Utz. laughter today cheers and applause its a callback, guys. Its a callback. Utz. Utz. Jon barbecue flavor still the one. Stephen today we learned that the white house issued a formal threat to bolton to keep him from publishing his book. Wow. So rare for trump to issue a formal threat. as trump dearest esteemed colleague, it is my sincerest recommendation that you keep one eye open while you sleep. laughter best regards to your family and your temporarily uncut brake cables, donald trump. laughter the threat came in the form of a letter to boltons lawyer, saying the book contained information at the top secret level that could cause exceptionally grave harm to the National Security of the United States. Well, given everything trumps done to harm the National Security of the United States, at this point, i think we can handle a book. laughter this is like cheers and applause this is this is this is like repeatedly getting run over by a bus, and then the paramedic says, okay, this cotton swab might sting a bit. The man charged with keeping bolton from testifying is Senate Majority leader, and Emperor Palpatines fun cousin, mitch mcconnell. Audience boooo stephen a little late with that. Now, yesterday, as the Washington Post put it, mcconnell told republican senators he does not yet have the votes yet to block. Witnesses. Nice editing, wapo. laughter but you know their motto grammar dies in darkness. laughter but it is news that mcconnell does not yet have enough votes yet. Its probably why he went up to capitol hill bright and early to lobby senators and sacrifice a goat. laughter mcconnell does not have the official vote count, but hes been tallying g. O. P. Support for witnesses by using a card with yes no and maybes marked on it. Hes treating impeachment like a seventh grader who has a crush. Passing notes that say do you like democracy . Yes, no, maybe. Also, mitt romney eats boogers, pass it on. laughter so we dont know if thats true. applause i dont know if thats true. I have no idea. Jon allegedly. Stephen no idea. Jon we never knew. Stephen so we dont know if witnesses are going to be called. But if youre looking for hope, maybe dont go asking chuck schumer. I think its up in the air. Is there a chance that we might get a vote to allow witnesses and documents . Yes. But it is also an uphill fight, and i wouldnt do any dances joy dances now. Yes, i would not. Stephen as schumer i would not be doing any dances, joy dances. Nor am i prepared to expel any mirth laughter or exchange any levity highfives. I am chuck schumer, and i am the physical manifestation of despair. laughter last night, trump got away from impeachment and made a visit to the wildwood boardwalk down in new jersey. Trump played a song in his speech i thought id never hear again. We are now building that beautiful wall. Mexico is, in fact, you will soon find out, paying for the wall. Okay . cheers and applause ill hit you with that. Now, the wall is ultimately and very nicely being paid for by mexico. Stephen dude, you dont need to keep lying about mexico paying for the wall. The jig is up. When parents tell their kids theyre taking them to disneyland and it turns out to be a trip to the dentist, they dont keep trying to convince them that theyre at disneyland. Hey, goofy is repeatedly stabbing you in the gums with a sickle probe. You love goofy ooh, blood in the sink its a root canal after all its a root canal after all applause weve got a great show for you tonight. cheers and applause steve martin is here. And when we return, meanwhile i promise. Stick around. sprintern paul im loooooving the allnew camera system on iphone 11 paul and i love how at sprint. sprintern . You can get the amazing iphone 11 for zero dollars a month when you tradein your iphone 6s or newer. paul in any condition. sprintern seriously, in any condition. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Thats a zzzquil pure zzzs sleep. Our gummies contain a unique botanical blend, while an optimal melatonin level means no nextday grogginess. Zzzquil pure zzzs. Naturally superior sleep. I am totally blind. And non24 can throw my days and nights out of sync, keeping me from the things i love to do. Talk to your doctor, and call 8442142424. Othroughout the country for the past twelve years, mr. Michael bloomberg is here. Vo leadership in action. Mayor bloomberg and president obama worked together in the fight for gun safety laws, to improve education, and to develop innovative ways to help teens gain the skills needed to find good jobs. Obama at a time when washington is divided in old ideological battles he shows us what can be achieved when we bring people together to seek pragmatic solutions. Bloomberg im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. cheers and applause stephen welcome back, everybody. Folks, frequent viewers of this show know i spend a lot of time right over there unpacking the biggest, most crucial news stories, laying them all out, then meticulously assembling them into the awesome, impressively detailed lego millennium falcon that is my monologue. But sometimes i like to collect all the leftover bits, the spare wheels, the discarded 2x2 flat tires, the extra fourtop bricks, slap them together with some rubber bands, add an old train locomotive, then strap a dinosaur on and a Bottle Rocket to make the backyard rocket car of news that is my segment meanwhile cheers and applause meanwhile its simple, its delicious. Meanwhile, the Sheriffs Department of san miguel, colorado, went viral yesterday after issuing this warning large boulder the size of a small boulder is completely blocking eastbound lane of highway 145. Wow, yeah. To move that, theyre going to need a mediumsized crane. The size of a huge crane. laughter meanwhile, an Oxford University professor has created a patch infused with bacon to help vegans cope with meat cravings. laughter hopefully, the patch goes across the vegans mouth so they cant keep talking about how cashew butter rebalanced their gut biome. laughter no one cares. No one cares. applause heres how this will not work when a person who is wearing the patch scratches it, it produces a smell similar to that of cooked bacon, so they can imagine that they are eating bacon, which should supposedly sate their appetite. Right, because the normal human reaction to smelling bacon is to no longer want to eat bacon. laughter meanwhile, walmart is now selling a rose wine drink enhancer that can be used to turn your water into a delicious glass of wine to achieve the perfect nonalcoholic drink. Its all the things you love about wine, without the only thing you love about wine. laughter applause and and the reviews are in, with one drinker saying, its amazing if you add a few drops to vodka. laughter yeah thats right just throw a few drops of this magic rose mixer into your vodka, and all your friends will be saying, are you okay . laughter meanwhile, scientists used a 3d printer, a loudspeaker, and Computer Software to recreate the voice of a 3,000yearold mummy. Heres what they actually came up with groaning laughter stephen i cant can we hear that again . Is it possible . Can we hear that again . groaning i cant believe thats what mummies sound like. Its going to really knock some of the suspense out of our movies. So whats it say . translating coptic groaning stephen well be right back. cheers and applause v, biktarvy is a complete, onepill, onceaday treatment used for hiv in certain adults. Its not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights hiv to help you get to and stay undetectable. Thats when the amount of virus is so low it cant be measured by a lab test. Research shows people who take hiv treatment every day and get to and stay undetectabe can no longer transmit hiv through sex. Serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. Rare, lifethreatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. Do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. Tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. If you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. Common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. If youre living with hiv, keep loving who you are. And ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. Dramatic choir music dramatic choir music dramatic choir music tis better than the criminal in democrathe white house. Esident we all have progressive plans to address the big challenges facing our country. What makes me different, is ive been working for ten years outside of washington, to end the corporate takeover of our democracy, and to return power to the American