Understand that very well. Hoojerat anominus. Tim apple. laughter announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, what happened in vegas . Plus stephen welcomes mayor rahm emanuel and musical guest Hailee Steinfeld, featuring jon batiste and stay human. And now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen hey nice to see you sch cheers and applause thats a good feeling beautiful, beautiful hello audience chanting stephen hello, jon happy monday. Hello, friends. Hello. cheers and applause hey how nice thank you, friends, down here back at you back at you thank you very much cheers and applause thank you please have a seat, everybody thank you so much piano riff welcome to the late show, everybody. Im your host Stephen Colbert. cheers and applause piano riff so good to b to be back. Ive missed these people. This weekend, democrats did something that once seemed unimaginable they counted the votes in a caucus. laughter ill tell you about it in tonights i have a plan for that. A progressive agenda. Donald trumps worst nightmare. Were at each others throats. Made a lot of money. Corn pop was a bad dude. You know who number one is . Trump fury road to the white house. 2020 witness me cheers and applause stephen tonight, back on the fury road. Jon that head butt. Stephen tonight on the vroomvroom shout face, nevada caucus, and its runaway winner vermont senator and ancient john mulaney, Bernie Sanders. Sanders was coming off slim popular vote victories in iowa and New Hampshire, but bernie won nevada with 46 of the vote, including a Diverse Coalition of immigrants, college students, latina mothers, younger black voters, white liberals and even some moderates. And because it was nevada, he also picked up votes from blackjack dealers, cirque du soleil, and that guy sitting alone at the prime rib buffet muttering how am i gonna tell marjorie . laughter bernie celebrated his nevada win by contrasting his movement with trumps. They think they are going to win this election by dividing our people up based on the color of their skin or where they were born or their religion or their sexual orientation. We are going to win because we are doing exactly the opposite. Stephen as bernie what im saying is multiracial, multigenerational orgy at my place cheers and applause i promise, you will feel the bern. cheering laughter and the bern will feel you laughter the nevada results were also a boost for the flagging campaign of joe biden, who came in second with 20 of the vote, and told supporters that joementum is back you put me in a position you know, the press is ready to declare people dead quickly, but were alive and were coming back and were going to win. Stephen bragging that youre alive may not be the most stirring campaign rallying cry. Folks, were breathing on our own. The tubes are out, the pants are on, and this morning, i ate a whole thing of applesauce now spongebathe me and roll me laughter cheers and applause now spongebathe me and roll me towards South Carolina here we go laughter all right, wrong way, lets go, guys. Come on thank you. A lot of moderate democrats are concerned about having a democratic socialist at the top of the ticket. Last night, 60 minutes aired an interview with bernie and he didnt do much to put his critics at ease. Were very opposed to the authoritarian nature of cuba, but, you know, its unfair to simply say everything is bad. You know . When fidel castro came into office, you know what he did . He had a massive literacy program. Is that a bad thing . Even though fidel castro did it . Stephen what, no bernie are you trying to kill everyone at msnbc . You sound like Fidel Castros mom. Now i know fidel did a lot of murder, but look at this macaroni picture he made in the third grade. These little rotini down here are the graves of his enemies. laughter wrif riff but bernie did try an odd pivot when asked about the central platform of his campaign. A lot of voters are voting for candidates who arent calling for medicare for all, who arent calling for a revolution. Is everybody really wanting a revolution like that . Yeah, lets go easy on the word rev political revolution, you know . Were were trying to follow youre the one whos using the word. Well, but, you know i dont want people to overstate. Stephen what . raff laugh now you dont want us to overstate the word revolution . Thats your whole brand. This is like nike suddenly changing their slogan to just dont overdo it. laughter applause ye jon yeah, just do it just slightly. Just a little bit oh, just a little bit stephen at one point bernie got a little sassy. One of the critics of you in the senate, joe biden, has said that you never got anything done. Amy klobuchar has been are you getting mad . Im not mad. Just silently hissing, thats all. laughter stephen i know bernie had a heart attack, but is he also deflating . as bernie the top 1 of the sssssss somebody get my pump pump me up somebody laughter cheers and applause jon pump it up laughter piano riff oh, yeah, good buddy. Stephen while the democrats battle it out back home, trump is abroad in india. Here he is giving Prime MinisterNarendra Modi the traditional american greeting of sliding your hand inside someones clothes. laughter as trump weve only known each other a short while, but i think were ready for under the vest stuff. laughter trumps first stop was at the home of mahatma gandhi, where he got the chance to spin a replica of the wheel that gandhi used to make his own clothes. Thats lovely. Now he knows what it feels like to work in one of ivankas factories. cheers and applause piano riff jon putting it out there, huh . Thank you. Stephen the days big event was a giant political rally for the president called namaste trump. Which i really hope means he had to publicly do yoga. as trump first, i go downward, like a dog now, a sun salutation hi, eric a laughter namaste trump was modis way of thanking trump for a rally in september, when trump joined the Prime Minister in texas for an event called howdy modi laughter which went a lot better than trumps event with the chinese president , thats what xi said. Aplaughter piano riff trump opened his speech like this today india welcomes us at the Worlds Largest cricket stadium right here in ahmedabad cheering it is a profound honor to be the beautiful new stadium. Stephen yes, he just said, it is a profound honor to be the beautiful new stadium. laughter he used to just put his name on buildings. Now he wants to be them. laughter cheers and applause its a stroker. Its a chin stroker. Of course, because he was in india, trump had to prove that english isnt the only language he struggles with namaste. The pride of gujarat. Some of the worlds greatest cricket players from sue chin tendlekur. As the great religious teacher Swami Vivekananda once said laughter stephen yes, swami vivaykunundunde once said, that is not even close to how you pronounce my name. Later in the day, trump visited the taj mahal, which was the model for one of trumps infamous failed Atlantic City casinos. as trump in honor of the taj mahal, id like to offer this traditional hindu prayer. Luck be a lady tonight luck if youve ever been a lady to begin with laughter piano riff cheers and applause there is one challenge for trump in india because modi is a devoted vegetarian and plans to serve vegetarian food to the president. Oh, my god. Were going to war with india. laughter you know i love talking sports, its kind of my thing, i talk about it all the time. We edit it out but mostly i talk about sports and today weve got an inspiring story from the world of hockey. In saturday nights n. H. L. Game btween the Carolina Hurricanes and the toronto maple leafs, the two hurricanes goalies got injured. So they called on the zamboni driver to be their emergency goalie, and he won his n. H. L. Debut cheers and applause he won unbelievable do you believe in miracles . applause he won with help from his signature move parking the zamboni in front of the goal. laughter big d. The hockey hero is named david ayres, and hes not just a zamboni driver, hes also an arena maintenance worker. Heres a video from the locker room after the win. cheers and applause thats incredible. Thats so lovely. Thats so nice. They do know he has to clean all that up, right . Weve got a great show for you tonight, and oww. Ow. Oh i pulled my hamstring. I dont think i can finish. Jon oh, no. Dont worry, stephen, i got you stephen its david ayres zamboni hockey hero david ayres, everybody cheers and applause piano riff david david cheers and applause david, ive pulled my hamstring, can you help me out . Ill finish up. Weve got a great show for you tonight. When we come back, warren checks bloomberg into the boards stick around stephen wooooo cheers and applause band playing look closely at the perfection that is the quarter pounder and youll see its actually made of countless imperfections. Those randomly and impulsively placed sesame seeds. That one slice of melty cheese at the bottom and another draped haphazardly over the 100 fresh beef patty cooked right when you order. True, the hottest, juiciest quarter pounder yet is not perfect. But when you put it all together, ha ha its perfect made perfecter. Ba da ba ba ba too many afterparties. New neutrogena® bright boost with dullnessfighting neoglucosamine. Boosts cell turnover by 10 times for instantly brighter skin. Bright boost neutrogena®. Oh, its beautiful. So you guys are welcome to use the car while im at work. Ill text you a key. How do you text a key . Its technology, dear. I got this. Better text it to me. It has to be a smart phone, dad. Are you saying i gotta dumb phone . No. Its cool. Well just do it old school. Hyundai digital key; now theres a better way to share. Hey, press that button there. Only on the allnew sonata. Wheres the car going . Technology, dear. Thats technology. Music playing welcome to my world wont you come on in waiting just for you welcome to my world we do it every night. Every night. I live alone, but i still do it every night. Right after dinner. Definitely after meatloaf. Like clockwork. Do it run your dishwasher every night with cascade platinum. A load with as few as 8 dishes, is all it takes to save water. An Energy Star Certified dishwasher uses less than four gallons per cycle. While handwashing uses that, every two minutes. So, do it. Run your dishwasher every night with cascade platinum. The surprising way tvete ooooving the allnew mera system on iphone 11 paul and i love how at sprint. sprintern . You can get the amazing iphone 11 for zero dollars a month when you tradein your iphone 6s or newer. paul in any condition. sprintern seriously, in any condition. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. Try to win by attacking, now, we know the trump strategy distorting, dividing. Mr. President it. Wont. Work. Newspapers report bloomberg is the democrat trump fears most. As president , universal healthcare that lets people keep their coverage if they like it. A record on job creation. A doable plan to combat climate change. I led a complex, diverse city through 911 and i have common sense plans to move america away from chaos to progress im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. Tomtrump on the economy. Ald his people over profits plan makes a living wage a right. Creates thousands of good paying green jobs in california. And provides a 10 tax cut for everyone making under 250,000. Toms plan also makes health care a right, by adding a public option to obamacare. Protects union negotiated plans. And ensures californians can make their own health care choices. Im tom steyer and i approve this message. cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back. Hi jon wait, that music sounds terrible. Whats going on . Hey, stephen. Jon got hurt so im in now. Stephen what happened, jon . Jon yeah, im allergic to music, and i forgot to take my medicine stephen thanks for filling in, david. Play me over to the next segment. playing terribly thats good. Thank you. Thank you, david all good. Tomorrow the democrats are holding another debate, this one in my home state of South Carolina. cheering the late show will be live after the debate, before theyve even swept up all the billionaire teeth. Because if the last debate is any indication, this thing is going to be a donnybrook. The reigning queen of pain is massachusetts senator and School Principal on karaoke night, elizabeth warren. cheers and applause after New Hampshire and iowa, pundits were ready to bury warren, in fact, in a recent nbc, wall street journal poll warren wasnt included in the question about general election matchups. Its the biggest media snub since the New York Times reported buzz aldrin and friend land on moon. laughter but after her performance in the nevada debate, warrens back on the map thanks to her hammering of former new york city mayor michael bloomberg. laughter bloomberg had not participated in any of the democratic debates. And right off the bat, warren hit him with the bat. Id like to talk about who were running against. A billionaire who calls women fat broads and horsefaced lesbians and no, im not talking about donald trump, im talking about mayor bloomberg. audience reacts stephen oh, thats got to sting. Though, we did know you werent talking about donald trump because you said billionaire. cheers and applause piano riff warren was quoting a book produced by bloombergs employees on his 48th birthday so right after the invention of the printing press. Its called the portable bloomberg. Which coincidentally was his nickname in college. Come on, mike, hop into my pocket. Were going for beers. laughter hes a small man. laughter bloomberg dismissed the quotes in the book as borscht belt jokes. Classic borscht belt humor. You know the old joke take my wife, please. Shes a horsefaced lesbian laughter then warren took bloomberg to the mat for his treatment of women in his company he has gotten some number of women dozens, who knows to sign nondisclosure agreements both for Sexual Harassment and gender discrimination in the workplace. So, mr. Mayor, are you willing to release all of those women from those nondisclosure agreements . We have a very few nondisclosure agreements how many is that . Let me finish. How many is that . None of them accuse me of doing anything other than maybe they didnt like a joke i told. Stephen yeah, he was just joking. Not his fault that they didnt get his borscht belt humor. laughter every comedian knows you have to get nondisclosure agreements when people are hearing your jokes. Everyone in the audience, look under your seats. Youll find an n. D. A. Taped underneath. And people at home, go to colbertlateshow. Com nda, print it and sign it. Otherwise, turn off the tv. applause do not turn off the tv. But one person thought bloombergs debate performance had real potential and by person, i mean his campaign because they released a statement saying it took him just 45 minutes in his first debate in ten years to get his legs on the stage. Yeah, it took him 45 minutes to get his legs because in the first five minutes, warren had torn him limb from limb. applause and she was not done with him. Heres what warren said saturday i want to talk specifically for just a minute at the top about a threat that is coming our way, and its a big threat. Not a tall one, but a big one. Michael bloomberg. audience reacts piano riff stephen wow wow warren is following the words of Michelle Obama when they go low, we also go low, because thats where Mike Bloomberg is. laughter after her debate performance, warrens Campaign Announced they had raised more than 2. 8 million in one day. Wow, you gotta think she going to hit him again tomorrow because hes clearly a pinata full of money. laughter well be right back. cheers and applause band playing dramatic choir music dramatic choir music dramatic choir music its the rush of relaxation. Introducing the allnew lincoln corsair. Shes staying in a rainforest tree house . Thats my dream. You dream big for a man on a plane to omaha. And shes zip lining with little jon . What its lil jon. Even he knows that. Thanks, captain obvious. Youre with big jon. 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We started a Nonprofit Community bank with a simple theory give people a fair deal and real economic power. Invest in the community. In businesses owned by women and people of color. In affordable housing. The difference between words and actions matters. Thats a lesson politicians in washington could use right now. Im tom steyer, and i approve this message. cheers and applause band playing stephen hey welcome back, everybody cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, my next guest this evening is a former mayor of chicago, u. S. Congressman and white house chief of staff, hes written a new book called the nation city. Please welcome mayor rahm emanuel cheers and applause band playing stephen welcome back. Welcome bac i heeople and like that si tigh ssivda stephen nice to have you back. Thank you. Stephen now, last time you were here, you said, you know, democrats fall in love, they have to fall in love with a candidate. After nevada, is that it . Are we hitched . Are we in love with Bernie Sanders . Are the democrats all in for him . Theyre swooning, a lot of enthus