You get elected. So good, so good that obama coalition. I was wrong, and im sorry. Are you trying to say that im dumb . Are you mocking me . laughter cheers and applause its the late show with live with Stephen Colbert. Tonight, dems do the charleston. Plus, stephen welcomes live governor Chris Christie. And musical guest Nathaniel Rateliff featuring live, jon batiste and stay human. And now, live from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, its Stephen Colbert cheers and applause stephen oh, yeah come on whoa its live, baby beautiful beautiful the pipes the pipes. Hello, my friends cheers jon lets do it Live AudienceStephen StephenStephen Stephen. Stephen tuesday live. Happy live. Back at ya back at ya. Hello, everybody up here, down there. cheers and applause welcome. Welcome, one and all. Ladies and gentlemen,children of all ages, monsieur and madame. Mr. And mrs. America and all the ships at sea. Stephen welcome to the late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Right now, you can feel that excitement. And that excitement comes from only one thing we are live look at, that live after right there. That proves it. We are live following the South Carolina debate airing right here on cbs with Bernie Sanders, Michael Bloomberg, and joe biden, so a little young for cbs. Ill tell you all about it in tonights special live debate edition of i have a plan for that. A progressive agenda. Donald trumps Worst Nightmare were at each others throats. Made a lot of money. Im going to beat this man like a drum aahh. You know who number one is in trump . Fury road to the white house 2020. Stephen now, tonight on that highway to hell, the democrats met in my hometown of charleston, South Carolina. And these folks said a lot of words, and i did not hear many of them. The candidates were speak all over each other. I think the quote of the night had to be, argle barglemorble whooshpeas and carotshe said my name he said my name now, one candidate it says that right there. Legally, thats the quote of the night. One candidate wasnt exactly in top form coming into the debate. Heres joe biden last night my names joe biden. Im a democratic candidate for the United States senate. Stephen oh thats a tiny little gaffe from president ial candidate joe biden. But, hey, we all misspeak sometimes. Im sure hell nail the rest of this sentence. Look me over. If you like what you see, help out, if not vote for the other biden. laughter stephen im joe biden and im running for biden against the other biden. Look me over. If you like what you see, wrap me in a blanket, and take me to a safe place filled with people i know. The address is right here on the bracelet. Come on lets go, man come on listen, folks, listen applause worst impression of all time. Now sorry about that. The debate tonight kicked off with a couple of haymakers between bernie and bloomy. The economy is doing really great for people like mr. Bloomberg and other billionaires. Vladimir putin thinks that donald trump should be president of the United States, and thats why russia is helping you get elected. Oh stephen wow. That is really punching below the belt, but then again, bloomberg cant reach much higher laughter but bernie had a simple message for one mr. Vladimir putin. Hey, mr. Putin, if im president of the United States, trust me, youre not going to interfere in any more american elections. Stephen as sanders because if im president , we wont be voting on machines he can hack. Ill make sure everybody gets a pebble and we all put the pebble in the old coffee can of their candidate. Vote berniemaxwell house 2020 its a solution it will work its a revolution chock full of nuts laughter this time this time it wasnt just bloomberg attacking sanders. All the candidates had their torches out to set fire to the wicker bernie. For instance, mayor pete proposed a thought experiment. Imagine spending the better part of 2020 with Bernie Sanders versus donald trump. Stephen personally, i think it would be great because bernie and trump are the only two impressions i can do. Its really hard to do a mayor pete. as pete hello, sir or madam, can you direct myself and chasten to the nearest wine cave . Nothing, it doesnt have juice. Biden touted his success among black voters. Ive worked like the devil to earn the vote of the African American community. Stephen unlike trump, who has worked with the devil to get the support of the white community. laughter now, biden was also applause sure ynot. Jon by any means necessary. Stephen big fans of the devil here tonight. Biden was also confident about his prospects in this weekends primary i will win South Carolina. Stephen as biden i will win South Carolina i will be their next senator, as sure as my name is skeeter hotdog picklesworth. Come on, man when the subject of stop and frisk in new york came up, mayor bloomberg tried to explain how much hes learned since then. Ive met with black leaders to try to get an understanding of how i can better position myself. Stephen mr. Mayor, i have a feeling a lot of black leaders want your position to be spread eagle up against a wall. But he bloomed on. I have over 100 black elected officials that have endorsed me. A lot of them are in the audience tonight. Stephen as bloomberg a lot of them are in the audience tonight. Officer, stop them. Check their pockets. Theres an endorsement in there someplace. I promise you. Then all of bloombergs voters are here tonight, i think. Then bloomberg got asked if it was wrong for him to have made sexist jokes in the past. Probably wrong to make the jokes. I dont remember what they were. Stephen as bloomberg i remember did you hear the one about the guy who asked the genie for a 12inch pianist. I see now that joke is incredibly offensive to short people. Then, after a question about the cost of bernies medicare for all program, things got a little shouty. I think we were talking about math, and it doesnt take two hours to do the math. Sanders lets talk about math. Lets talk about math. Lets talk about math. Stephen as bernie lets talk about math, baby lets talk about health for free lets tax the 1 and bring an end to poverty lets talk about math cheers and applause yes senator klobuchar brought her midwesterness to the gun debate i look at these proposals and say, do they hurt my uncle dick in the deer stand . laughter stephen senate, im pretty sure Michael Bloomberg had to sign an n. D. A. For talking about his uncle dick in a deerstand. It was just a joke. Then bloomberg tried a zinger. Let me also just say because just since i have the floor for a second that i really am surprised that all of these my fellow contestants up here, i guess would be the right word for it, given nobody pays attention to the clock. Im surprised they show up because i would have thought after i did such a good job with beating them last week that they would be afraid to do that. Stephen oh, okay, now i understand why he asks people to sign an n. D. A. After he tells a joke. No one wants to remember that. Mayor bloomberg kept workshopping his comedy. I think whats right for new york city isnt necessarily right for all the other cities. Otherwise, youd have a naked cowboy in every city. Stephen now, for those of you who dont live in new york city, theres this crazy man who wanders around the city and will not leave people alone. And that mans name is Mike Bloomberg. cheers and applause lets talk about math, baby lets talk about you and me thank you, thank you, jon. Mike bloomberg wanted to make sure that when it came to marijuana, the others werent bogarting the pandering. Look, the first thing you do is we should not make this a criminal thing, if you have a small amount. For dealers, yes. But for the average person, no. Stephen i agree. It would be terrible to have your life ruined because you were caught with a small amount of pot when you were stopped, and then, i dunno, maybe frisked. The coronavirus is, of course, a global issue and klobuchar spoke about what she would do to help find the cure. I know the vaccine is out there in the head of some kid right now in school. Stephen as klobuchar we need to find that kid, capture him, and dig into his precious brain meat for that sweet, sweet cure. Im Amy Klobuchar. Join me in stealing the dreams of sleeping children. Jon oh, my, oh, my. Stephen bernie wasnt always a hit with the crowd tonight, especially when he defended his limited praise of the cuban revolution. Cuba made progress on education. Yes, i think boo really . audience booing really . Stephen as bernie really . Really . You wanna come at me, bro . Bring it. I had i had a decaf at 5 30 this morning, and i am amped let me introduce you to my friends, ben and jerry. Were both from vermont. Jon uhoh. Uhoh. Stephen i will turn you into a chunky monkey. I will turn you into fish food. When the topic turned to north korea, Amy Klobuchar had a very midwestern analysis of president trumps diplomatic strategy he literally thinks he can go over and bring a hot dish to the dictator next door, and he thinks everything is gonna be fine. Stephen i lived in the midwest. Do you know whats in hot dish . The vegetable is tater tot laughter technically, bringing a hot dish to a foreign leader counts as an assassination attempt. laughter then, to close things out, moderator gayle king asked the candidates what the biggest misconception is about them. Heres klobuchars answer. The biggest misconception is that im boring, cause im not. Stephen sorry. laughter applause how long was i out . I just who was talking . Amy klobu snores then joe biden gave this interesting answer. Whats the biggest misconception about you, sir . I have more hair than i think i do. laughter stephen okay, so the most common misconception about you is a misconception that only you have about yourself . laughter as biden look, everyone knows the truth, but theyre mistaken, because im wrong. Bernie addressed the biggest misconception about him. Misconception and youre hearing it here tonight is that the ideas im talking about are radical. Theyre not. In one form or another, they exist in countries all over the world. Stephen as bernie in countries like venezuela, cuba, mordor, dr. Dooms latveria. They all make it work. So there it is. Seven candidates, five moderators, two hours, and one powerful message for america. crosstalk cant allow this to stand because its just not true. Let me respond to this. I can Say Something . Hold it, first of all,. No, let me go. Stephen thats going to be tough to fit on a bumper sticker. Weve got a great show for you tonight. Chris christie is here. But when we return, wall street catches the coronavirus. Stick around. Its a little sick. Just a little. sprintern paul im loooooving the allnew dual camera system with ultrawide on iphone 11 paul and i love how at sprint. sprintern . You can get the amazing iphone 11 for zero dollars a month when you tradein your iphone 6s or newer. paul in any condition. sprintern seriously, in any condition. paul and because sprint likes to do things differently, theyre offering a 100 total satisfaction guarantee. While i think their network and savings are great, you dont just have to take my word for it. Try it out and see the savings for yourself. sprintern now thats a picture perfect deal. Smile. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com. And i start to pray till the tears run down from my eyes lord somebody, ooh somebody can anybody find me somebody to love . Alexa, play queen on amazon music. [music playing] dramatic choir music dramatic choir music dramatic choir music its the rush of relaxation. Introducing the allnew lincoln corsair. worried im not picking it up. You pick it up im not picking it up ill pick it up theyre clean raps cuz my hineys clean. Oh yeah im charmin clean. Charmin ultra strong just cleans better. Enjoy the go with charmin. My sons were in their teens. When i came home from prison so i got involved in juvenile justice, i didnt want them to go through the same thing i went through. Michael bloomberg created the young mens initiative. In helping keep other young men and young women from entering into the criminal justice system. And we see it, we see it in young people being employed. We see young people being removed out the system. Running for president , what better platform for him to speak about real justice, real reform. Im Mike Bloomberg and i approve this message. [ fastpaced drumming ] band playing cheers and applause stephen hey, everybody give it up for jon batiste and stay human right there cheers and applause oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness us minutes, governor Chris Christie is going to be out here to talk about the debate, give us a republican perspective or whatever he is now. Im not sure what makes a republican anymore. Its hard to tell anymore. A trumpocrat. We will find out. Thats my solemn promise to you. Folks, before the break, i was talking about the big democratic debate, but in lighter news, were all gonna die. Today, Top Health Officials issued dire warnings about the coronavirus, or covid 19, as the kids call it. You viddin . Now, in a phone conference with reporters, one c. D. C. Official said, we are asking the American Public to prepare for the expectation that this might be bad. Whoah, dial down the technical language, man. Its like your doctor saying, weve got the results of your tests back, and you are totally. Frowny face. Xs for eyes, too. Plus, way to calm down the american people, doctor. Reminds me of the immortal words of f. D. R. the only thing we have to fear is. Polio it got me, and now its coming for you run for your lives, while you still can im contagious laughter stephen up until now, the coronavirus has mostly been restricted to china and people who have traveled to china. But now, the c. D. C. Official believes the virus is headed here, telling reporters, its not so much of a question of if this will happen in this country any more but a question of when this will happen. But im sure theres nothing to worry about. Right, jon . Jon were all going to be fine, stephen. I think were gonna be good. I think were gonna be real good. Stephen you look good. Jon yeah stephen the c. D. C. Official explained how families could get ready for the outbreak, suggesting, you should ask your childrens schools about their plans for School Dismissals or school closures. Ask about plans for teleschool. Yes, teleschool, or as we called it back in my day, a Grilled Cheese and the price is right. applause not feeling good today, mom. Not feeling good. I think i better teleschool today, mom. Fear of the coronavirus is already ravaging wall street. On monday, the dow tumbled more than 1,000 points, which was its thirdworst point drop in history, effectively erasing all gains for 2020. This is horrible economic news. Also, can i erase all my gains from 2020 in one day . Because ive been doing a lot of stress baking. Then just today, the dow closed down by almost 900 points. Good lord if it goes any lower, ill have to find out what a dow is laughter is a dow a dollar . I dont know what a dow is. One man doesnt seem too worried donald trump. During mondays 1,000point plummet, he tweeted, the coronavirus is very much under control in the u. S. A. We are in contact with everyone and all relevant countries. C. D. C. And world health have been working hard and very smart. Stock market starting to look very good to me laughter do not hire trump as a paramedic. as trump this patient looks very good to me. Well, at least his torso. Ill get back to you if we ever find his limbs. Also, im hearing some awesome things about this Harvey Weinstein guy. Getting a lot of free publicity lately. Anyway, all aboard the hindenburg looking nice and ty there, guys now theres a reason cheers and applause see. Theres a reason trump is trying to downplay the coronavirus fears if the c. D. C. Is right about this outbreak, it might be his fault, because in 2018, the Trump Administration fired the governments entire Pandemic Response chain of command. Trump did not replace them. So, currently, our Pandemic Response team is ivanka and a bottle of airborne. laughter she looks good. She looks good with the lab coat. Its very flattering. The outbreak has already affected plans for this summers olympics. Tokyo olympic organizers have until late may to see if the virus is under control. If not, experts say, youre probably looking at a cancellation. Audience oooh stephen i feel so bad for those olympians. Theyve spent their whole lives preparing to bone each other in the olympic village. Now, now at best, theyll have to telebone. cheers and applause also goes nice with a Grilled Cheese. Are you happy . Are you happy . Happy little boy over there. The somber announcement was made by i. O. C. Official dick pound. laughter which i understand is also one of the side effects of the coronavirus. Well be right back with Chris Christie. You ever get the urge to go a little crazy . You know what im talking about, right karen . Huh . 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