Ventilator obsession, hospitals have been accumulating enormous amounts of cotton balls, tongue depressors, even our urine just what do they need all that urine for . And dont bother trying to find a newborn baby, theyre all in hospitals hospitals if theyre so great, then why is everyone there sick . Announcer its the late show with Stephen Colbert tonight, stephen at home plus, stephen welcomes john oliver with jon batiste and stayhomein. Now, live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen thank you. Thank you so much. Wow. Wow. Hi. Hi. Please please, have a seat. Thank you. We got to do the show. Im sorry. Thank you very much. Thank buddy. Welcome, one and all, to a late show. Im your host Stephen Colbert. Its good to be back. What have i missed . Anything big . Im coming to you from the late shows new temporary set the historic ed sullivan my house. Why did i wish to be home more on that cursed monkeys paw . Plus, now ive got to wash the monkeys paw for 20 seconds with cursed soap. Now, you may have noticed tha , even though i am at home and were in casual circumstances, i a wearing a suit. Im doing it because a it gives a sense that im at a job, and b i do not have a physique that lends itself to casual clothing. I just want to do anything to make things seem somewhat normal. Thats why im also wearing full makeup, and i shaved my legs. Mmhmm. Ive got my family helping me out here. My son is here as my tech and cameraman. Want to put your hand in front of the camera and say hi . There you go. A little higher in. There you go and then my daughter did my makeup tonight. I think i look rather nice. Hello. You like . Please, tweet your responses. Also, let me know if you want me to keep wearing a suit or if you want me to dress more casually in shows to come. All right . Suit or no suit. Were all adjusting. For instance, ive taken to washing my hands so much theyre turning to dust. Then i have to moisturize. I spend a lot of my time doing this. Now, that may look evil, but its not. evil voice oh no, were all just doing our part to flatten the curve. Its the only way to stop, the virus. evil laugh seriously, wash your hands. Some positives have come from this. This selfisolation has been a golden age for pets. My dog benny is so happy im around that hes actually following commands. When we go for a walk, he actually heels the whole time. I thought i had a bad dog, turns out, im a terrible owner. Come here whatsup . Come here, come here, boy come on, come on look at that look at that come up here whos a bad owner . I am yes, im a terrible owner look look laughter hes so well trained now. Were really communing. Weve got a lot more in common now. Bye. Bye. Oh, yeah. Hes not going to leave, though. Oh, there you go. Come on. We have a lot in common now. Were both eating all our food out of cans, and were both learning to stay. I also freak out when i see a squirrel outside the window. No, dont chew on the electrical bleep . bleep . Come here no, bleep i know its not her fault. Are we still broadcasting . Are we still good . Yeah, youre good on my end. Okay, there we go. Whew. This is going very smoothly. I could tell this is perfectly sustainable. Thank you i know a lot of you are stressed because were all in isolation, and noone knows how long this is going to last, but i have a simple message for you america, you got this. You have been training for this moment your whole lives. Every cancelled plan, every 2 00 a. M. Netflix binge, every grub hub order from the restaurant across the street. It was for this were americans, and theres nothing we do better than not doing things. Yes, were the country who put on a man on the moon. Yes but were also the country where 125 million of us stayed home to watch it on tv. Remember, like the old motto says, united we stand, divided. O new yorks hospitals are already stretched thin which is why yesterday, and it is shocking to see, the city began setting up a Field Hospital for coronavirus patients in central park. Its just like a regular hospital, except after your doctor treats you, you really should put a dollar in his guitar case. Its just nice. Of course, its a tough time for new yorks doctors, nurses, medical technicians, and maintenance staff. Theyre working inhuman hours under terrible conditions to save lives. So, every night at 7 00 pm, to show their appreciation, new yorkers have done this applause that is beautiful i have never been more moved by applause that wasnt for me. Plus, all over the country, medical schools are graduating their seniors one month early so they can join the front lines. And in new york, 76,000 healthcare workers, many of them retired, volunteered to help with the crisis. These people are older and at more risk, so theyre putting their lives on the line for others. Let me be the first to say, okay, boomer today, help arrived in the form of the Navy Hospital ship, the usns comfort, named, of course, for civil war general ezekial t. Comfort. Heres the ship passing the statue of liberty. Steering clear of lady liberty, whos looking pretty green then the ship steamed up the hudson river and docked somewhere right around here. This is an incredibly moving sight, one none of us ever thought wed see. A ship thats normally deployed to wartorn areas urgently rushing to our nations largest city. And, yes, it looks like something out of world war ii. But whatever you do, dont kiss a nurse. Theyre really busy. And they gotta stay sterile. The comforts arrival is great news for new york city. Also for me, because its finally giving me the opportunity to pitch my sexy maritime hospital drama captain doctor, m. D. Hello, im captain doctor m. D. Im here to fix your heart with my surgeon hands and then break it with my dark, smoldering eyes. Come aboard my hospital boat to meet my sexy team of interns sailors lovers. cause on my ship, we put the ho in land ho. Remember if this hospitals arockin, thats because its a boat. Now, welcome aboard me, captain doctor, m. D. Youre my first mate, but you wont be my last. Cbs all access, you get first dibs. But move on it did because i hear quiby wants 15 seconds of it. Since the big apple is the current epicenter of the covid19 outbreak, residents of other states are rallying together to support new yorkers. And by rallying, i mean, running them out of town. Florida Governor Ron Desantis expanded his travel restrictions from hot zones in new york and louisiana, saying there will be checkpoints for those who try to drive into the state. However, these are florida checkpoints, so if youre a shirtless felon with a trunk full of pythons and meth. Welcome home a little farther north in maine armed vigilantes chopped down a tree to block a driveway and force their neighbor to selfquarantine. Lumberjack vigilantes. The only way this could be more maine is if they dressed as a lobster and cut down the tree with a moose antler. Or stressed up a moose and chopped down a three with a lobster. Dealers choice. So why did locals think these people had coronavirus even though they showed no signs of being sick . The victims who had lived in maine for over a month were targeted because of their new jersey license plate. No one should be ostracized because of their license plate. Unless it says covid bro. I have a dream that one day we will judge our neighbors not by the state on their license plates, but by the content of their car. Because do we not all have a penny thats crusted to the inside of the cup holder . Who among us does not have a box of tissues on the back window that flies around like a rectangular bulet every time we take a sharp turn . Its time we throw awayour fears. And its time we throw away that jar of nuts we keep in the glove compartment in case we get stuck in a snowstorm. Youre never gonna eat the nuts and it never snows anymore every american is grateful for our heroic medical workers, and want to make sure they get all the supplies they need. All of us want that. Well, except for this one guy. Its a new york hospital, packed all the time. How do you go from 10,000 to 20,000, to 300,000 . 10,000 to 20,000 masks, to 300,000 . Even though this is different, something is going on. You ought to look into it, as reporters. Where are the masks going . Are they going out the back door . Stephen really . Accusing medical workers of stealing masks . Thats like frisking mother theresa on the way out of the orphanage. Check her pockets. She could be smuggling out gruel this is how short Mother Teresa is and im going to lean down to get to her pockets trump is very suspicious of these workers. I think people should check that, because there is something going on. I dont think it is hoarding. It is maybe worse than hoarding. Stephen what is worse than hoarding . Does he think theyre holding underground eyes wide shut medical supply orgies . Where the masks wear masks . And why havent i been invited . But in the midst of this pandemic, trump remains focused on the most important thing his ratings. Quoting a New York Times story, he tweeted this yesterday President Trump is a ratings hit. Since reviving the Daily White House briefing, mr. Trump and his coronavirus updates have attracted an average audience of 8. 5 million on cable news, roughly the viewership of the Season Finale of the bachelor. 150,000 americans are infected, 2,500 americans have died, and hes excited about his ratings. Reminds me of the hindenberg coverage its burning and bursting into flames and this is going to get amazing ratings im going to be famous somebody call my agent oh, the publicity stephen truth is, this new way of life could go on for a while, because yesterday trump announced that the federal governments guidelines for social distancing would last until april 30. Another month indoors to spend with your new best friend, tyler b. Tube. I love you tyler. April 30 is moving the goalposts for trump, because he kept saying wed be done as early as easter. Which everybody knew was never going to happen. Remember, even jesus said, let the children come to me but in about 68 weeks. In fact, i think im going to stay in the tomb a few more days. Im immunocompromised. Im just getting over a bad case of being dead. Im paraphrasing, obviously. This pandemic has grown so severe, that were seeing things we never thought wed see. For instance, trump learned an actual fact its up to 151 countries. Think of it. 151 countries. Somebody said to me, today, that wasnt in this particular world, they didnt know we had that many countries. 151 countries. That is something. Stephen so when he saw how many nations are struggling with this virus, he thought there sure are a lot of nations. Im going to say thats the wrong takeaway. Its like seeing your grandma fall down a flight of stairs, and saying, wow. I didnt know the human body had that many bones trump revealed that when the pandemic began, some people advised him not to do any social distancing at all. We had a lot of people were saying maybe we should not do anything. Just ride it. They say ride it like a cowboy. Just ride it. Ride that sucker right through. Stephen you heard that right, ride it like a cowboy, advice that no doubt came from the acting head of the c. D. C. , lil dr. Nas x. He is the guest star on the Season Finale of captain doctor, m. D. Folks, we have a show for you tonight. John oliver is not here, but hes somewhere and wherever that is i will be talking to him. Stick around mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Whos up for midnight shrimp . Step up with boost mobile and get 4 free Samsung Galaxy a20 phones when you switch or dont and prepare to lose some furniture. Ooo. Got it step up with boost mobile and get 4 lines for 25 per line per month or dont and remodel the living room switch to boost mobile and get 4 lines for 25 per line per month with unlimited data, and 4 free Samsung Galaxy a20 phones, all on our super reliable, super fast network. Step up with boost mobile. Thats a zzzquil pure zzzs sleep. All on our super reliable, super fast network. Our gummies contain a unique botanical blend, while an optimal melatonin level means no nextday grogginess. Zzzquil pure zzzs. Naturally superior sleep. Im part of a community of problem solvers. We make ideas grow. From an everyday solution. To one that can take on a bigger challenge. We are solving problems that improve lives. 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Directors voice cut it . What. What did i say . Gecko . I said gecko . Aw. For over 75 year. laughs. But still trying to keep it contained directors voice keep it together. Im good. Im good. For over 75. uncontrollable laughter . What are you doing there . Stop making me laugh. Vo geico. Saving people money for over seventyfive years. Gecko dont look at me. Dont look at me. Nissan has been with you through thick and thin. And now is no different. Were offering Payment Options for current owners and our Service Departments are here to help. And for future owners, were offering no payments for 90 days on 14 models. This is help when you need it. Stephen welcome back, everybody. My first guest tonight, my only guest tonight is the lovely and talented host of last week tonight on hbo and an old friend. Please welcome, john oliver john. applause thank you. Thank you. Any music . Any music . Please . humming wha stephen what is your thee music . Ill play your theme music for you singing theme music stephen wow. Thank you so much for being here. The crowd is loving you. Arent they . One imagines. Stephen welcome. Welcome to interviews in the aftertimes. Its great to be with you. Stephen yeah. Its like staring into my own anxieties now. Its such a comfort to see your face because your eyes are also screaming the bleep . Stephen not at all im fine, john. Surely stephen im wearing a suit which one of us is wearing a suit . Who looks like theyre in control, john . It aint you, buddy. Is cbs going to give you cuss words during a pandemic, or even during a pandemic can you not swear . Stephen ill try a simple one. Ready . Yep. Stephen bleep . No idea if i got away with that. Lets try a simple one. This is one i wish i could use im never allowed to. bleep . Youre not allowed to use bleep . Stephen no, cant use bleep . Cbs, come on. Stephen i know. I know. How are you . How are you feeling . Im at about a four. Stephen on a scale of you have to put that in some sort of range for me. Zero to 50. Stephen okay. Yeah, im doing okay, you know. Stephen yeah. This is a suboptimal time to be a human being. It would be a great time to be a dog. Stephen sure. Or a dolphin. Dolphins have had it too good for too long. Its payback time, flipper. Sooner or later, Mother Nature will say, oh, i forgot about you. Stephen have you seen the videos from japan . It hasnt exactly been a cakewalk the entire time. Were not broadcasting in japan, are we . Theres no one here. So you did is a show last night. Congratulations. Thanks, we did one. Stephen from this location. Yeah, from right here. Im inside david geffins yacht. Stephen lovely. Theres a man with his finger on the pulse of america. Stephen didnt quite read the room, dave. For those of you who dont know, david geffin, whom im hour is a lovely man, i dont know, he sent a shot of 300, 400, 700foot boat . If you cant see, its worth putting on screen now. Its a large boat. Stephen we have it. Jim . Yeah, if you put it up there, its david geffin at sunset pointing out hes selfisolating, might be genuinely revenuesnary inducing. If the race to a class war has begun, i think he just fired the starters pies t pistol. Stephen you cant revolt unless you find him. Thats why hes out in the middle of the ocean. Thats right. Unless youre going to come at me on jet skis. Stephen so youve got a dog, yes . Ive got a dog, yeah. Stephen a dog, and you have children. Yeah, i got a dog, two children, and a wife. Stephen and how are they reacting to you doing your show at home . Is everybody helping . Its probably best they dont. I have a 4yearold and a 1yearold. Theres not much they can do to help. Stephen the 4yearold can do your makeup. Though from what i see, he probably did. laughter yeah, there you go. Its best theyre not allowed to equipment because theyre teething. I do the show in this room and i turn up the octinnals, a show about astronauts but under the water and they find out about animals each weeks and if you play it loud you cant hear your dad say what the bleep frm the adjacent room. Stephen how are you personal hygiene going . Are you wearing pants these days . Whats the bar for pants now . Stephen big boy pants, long panels. Im wearing sweat pants. Stephen thats not bad. And theyre stained with baby drool and peanut butter, so could be worse. Stephen perfect. Im wearing a suit, but im not wearing shoes. Oh, really . Stephen yeah. O its just the plates are out. Stephen the plates . The plates, the feet. Slang. Stephen i never heard of that. I never heard that from a trouble and strife. Not bad stairs. Stephen john, just occurs to me, have we discovered any old skills that you have . This week, i actually changed a tire on a bike, like i changed the inner tube. Did you . Stephen yeah, i just remembered i had a flat tire, an inner tube and i remember as a child i used to do that stuff all the time. Have you rediscovered skills . Again, ive had a 4yearold and 1yearold and im trying to make a tv show from scratch. Theres no time to learn spanish or create. Thats not happening. Im drowning, steve. The water is here. Right, if i could breathe through there, im okay, right. Things are not going greatly. Im not becoming better as a human being. I learned, unfortunately, how to make a tv show on my own here with my staff over zoom. So im basically committing union infractions out the wazoo. Stephen and h. B. O. Thousand knows you dont actually need a set. Yesterday they were talking me through filming through chat on zoom, like trying to talk