Just drink at home. I honey . Eh its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight alone again, naturally. Plus, stephen welcomes Ryan Reynolds with jon batiste and stay homin. And now, live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey. How are you . Welcome back. So glad to see you here at a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Its wednesday i think . That doesnt have the date on it. I think its wednesday. Its hard to tell. Because right now, every day feels like youre being humped. This is our seventh, i think seventh show . Seventh show without an audience. We did one in the theater before we left. We did three the week before the break, so this is seven. Happy to be here. Lovely to see you. Its strange, but its lovely. I actually did the math, and ive been selfisolating for 2 idate now. Did you know and i just found this out that the word quarantine comes from the italian quarantina, which means 40 days which is how long people were isolated during the plague . So ive reached the Halfway Point in a quarantine, which is traditionally when you start googling the etymology of the word quarantine. So that checks out. Of course and this is where my head goes the word quarantine is really near the word quarter in the dictionary, and quarter gets you thinking the old rhyme two bits, four bits, six bits, a dollar. That makes two bits a quarter. You know the fries, heres my two bits. Why is a quarter two bits . Well, turns out, our word dollar comes from the spanish coin dollar, which was the old pirate pieces of eight. So each piece is a bit. Therefore, two bits is a quarter of a dollar. Are we still broadcasting . Good, good. As you can see, im having no problem with focusing here. Youll also notice today i ditched the suit and tie for a blazer and opencollard shirt, getting gradually more casual as the show goes on. By may, ill be wearing nothing more than two bandaids and a grin. So look forward to that. It is starting to sink in to me and my family that were going to be here for a while, right, peter . Right. Thats my son peter who just said right. Say hi, everybody, peter. Hi, everybody, peter. Stephen last night, my daughter insisted that we stop the chaos and make a chore chart. She said, were all adults now, so were like roommates. Thats why, when i film this show, i put a sock on the door. What i love about people ad i do love people is that crises like this bring out the best in them. And the best people, of course, are not people. Theyre animals. To prove it, in colorado, a woman trained her golden retriever sunny to deliver groceries to a neighbor with Health Problems uring quarantine. Lets see him in action. Okay, heres sunny bringing the grocery list that the neighbor gave her to the owner. And here he is running the groceries back over to his neighbor. Works fine. Hes part of the new Delivery Service dog dash. Sunnys owner says she was inspired when she saw a story about a dog comforting people at a hospital. She thought, wait a second. I have a dog that could help when i heard said thaad i said i have a dog that can help, benny. Come here, benny. Lets go help the people. You have to come over here. The camera is over here. Not over there. Come on. Look what i have for you. I have a message for you. You need to bring the memg to the neighbor. I have a prescription. I meade my neighbor to get my prescription. An an old woman no, no im an old woman and ive written my prescription on a piece of ham. I was out of paper. Its heart medication. I need it, very important. Take this to the neighbor who will take it to the pharmacy. Are you ready . There you go. He really wants to help people you want to help some more . Here you go. This is this is a letter these are my taxes. I have to get my taxes in or theyre going to take away my farm, all right. Take this take this to the post office. Dont frget to put a stamp on it. Okay. Hes so helpful. Theres more helping. You want to help some more. This is my grocery list. There you go. There you go. And thats just thats just thats just for you, because you love helping. Okay, and thats how it works. Okay, come here. Come here. Hes got come here. Right here. Look at this. Come here you, this. Lick this. Now hes got the messages and hell deliver them on to my neighbors lawn in about two hours. Give me a kiss booib, buddy. He loves helping people. What can you say . Its training. Youve got to be firm. Now, while social distances is working, we know the worst is yet to come its like we saw the asteroid come in and hit somewhere out in the exposition were waiting for the wave to come over the horizon. Well, i think the tide is rising, because yesterday the white house announced they project between 100,000 death, and it seems President Trump understands the gravity of the situation were in. He held a twohour briefing yesterday, and his tone was far more serious. Iment mention to be prepared for the hard weeks ahead. Stephen the president pointed out as dangerous as this virus is, at least its something to talk about. Its an incredibly dark topic, an incredibly horrible topic and its incredibly interesting. Thats why everybody is its theyre going crazy. They cant get enough of it. Yes, this pandemic which is crippling the Global Economy certainly is interesting. It reminds me of Winston Churchill stephen now, even though the takiident appears to be erestingwho have been coming up excuses, like alabama, whose governor recently said this yall, we are not louisiana. We are not new york state. We are not california. And right now is not the time to order people to shelter in place. Stephen oh, no, no. Now is exactly the time to order people to shelter in place. You dont want to become new york or california. Sheltering in place is preventative. This is like saying, yall, were not pregnant. Now is not the time to start using birth control. Lets get it on, raw dog. But maybe the worst policy comes from florida, which is currently suffering from a raging case of being florida. Even though the states infections are rapidly growing, the governor refused to shut down the state until today, because leaving it up to the counties wasnt working. Heres a recent photo where one florida county closed its beach but its neighbor didnt. Thats a tough choice for those spring breakers okay, my dudes. Should we go do body shots at senor frogs or sit quietly six feet apart at senor responsibles . One governor whos getting great reviews for his leadership in this time of crisis is new york governor and only guy allowed to make fun of chris cuomo, andrew cuomo. Governor cuomo has projected an air of muchneeded competence during the epidemic, and the people are there for it. President cuomo has been trending on twitter, and some people are taking this a bit further, like the author of this oped entitled, help, i think im in love with andrew cuomo . Its okay. These feelings are perfectly natural. Many americans experience moments of being at least andrewcurious if not fully cuomosexual. The obsession with Governor Cuomo has recently gone to a really weird place because and im quite surprised this is an actual headline people are asking, pierced or not . The mystery over new york governor Andrew Cuomos nipples. Ahhah a classic nipple mystery just like manboob on the Orient Express or the talented Mister Nippley i promise im not making this up. I kind of wish i was. But internet sleuths are examining this picture of cuomo that appears to show an outline of something that may or may not be a nipple barbell. Wow. If thats true, the cuomo family are such gym rats, even their nipples lift. Do your nipples even lift, bro . My nipples can squat. Now, honestly, who cares whats really underneath that polo shirt . Hes doing a good job. Hell, some of our greatest leaders have been into body modification. Every school child learns about George Washingtons wooden tongue stud. Lucky martha. Oh, hey, remember those face masks we were told not to wear, because they didnt work and we shouldnt bother . Well, apparently, the c. D. C. Is thinking about advising everyone to wear a mask now. And their initial directive is now being critically rereviewed. Yes, not wearing face masks is being critically rereviewed. Critically rereviewing is like when avatar was this huge hit, then a few years later, we were all like wait, did i actually enjoy that . I saw it three times, but the blue people talk to the sky horses by plugging the hair together and then Sigourney Weaver has a space orgy with a tree . Thats all i can remember. Unoebtanium thats it. But they still dont want civilians hogging masks that hospital workers need. Thats why at his briefing yesterday, President Trump helpfully offered a wide and varied array of ideas for mask alternatives. You can use a scarf. A scarf is everybody a lot of people have scarves. And you can use a scarf. A scarf would be very good. I would say do it. But use a scarf. So you can use scarves. Most people have scarves, and scarfs are very good. Mask. You can wear a scarf. Stephen do you want to know why those press briefings are two hours long . Do you want to know why . Two hours . Two hours long . The press briefings . Long. Hours. Two of them . Two hours long. I dont know. But i do know you can wear a scarf. Not that a scarf is a bad idea. It may not prevent you from getting the virus, but if youre one of those who dont know you have it, a scarf will lower the chances of you transmitting it, which is really important. In fact, anything that covers your cough or your breath and also helps you from touching your face is a good idea. It may not be a surgical mask, but any mask is a good idea. If you go to the hospital, dont be alarmed at the hospital if youre treated by doctor steampunk rhinoceros. So people everywhere have been improvising masks out of anything they have, like this italian man demonstrating how to use a feminine hygiene pad stephen thats very effective, especially if one of the sideeffects of coronavirus is leaking crystalblue fluid. And its not just womens feminine pads. This guy made a mask by cutting up a womans bra. His wife was pissed not because he cut it up, but because he put it in the dryer. I have been told that is something youre not supposed to do. I dont understand, either. Another man used womens underwear. When complimented on his coronavirus panty mask, the man said, whats coronavirus . So, apparently, womens intimate products are a good safeguard age,t kw if m19. S sinuses are still fertile, but its good to play it safe. We have got a show for you tonight. When we come back, i will have a gripping, indepth conversation with Ryan Reynolds in his native canadian. And sporting events and concerts. To help our communities when they come back together, respond to the 2020 census now. Spend a few minutes online today to impact the next 10 years of healthcare, infrastructure and education. Go to 2020census. Gov and respond today to make americas tomorrow brighter. Its time to shape our future. Keeping our customers, employees, and communities safe. During these Uncertain Times we want you to get the Great Service you expect without leaving the safety of your home. Sprint. Com makes shopping easier by offering free next day shipping and no activation fees on our best new phone deals, like the amazing iphone 11 for just 15 a month when you switch. For now sprint. Com is the best way to learn about our plans, buy new phones and get the services you need. Stay healthy and go to sprint. Com today. For people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay. Com somewhere youll never find. Sike we put them everywhere. Grocery stores and supermarkets, gas stations, and Grocery Stores, which we already mentioned. Not sorry, reeses. Its a like, a dagger . A worm a tiny sword . Bread. Breadstick . A matchstick a lamppost coin slot no . Uhhh. 10 seconds. A stick a Walking Stick eiffel tower, Mount Kilimanjaro ding time sorry, its a tandem bicycle. What . What . as long as sloths are slow, you can count on geico saving folks money. Fifteen minutes could save you fifteen percent or more on Car Insurance. Hoanoft the bathroom . Ohh yeah baby i love how soft you are. Charmin ultra soft is twice as absorbent so you can use less. Uhh, hon . Sorry enjoy the go with charmin. Bubbles at this price . Is this for real . Oh. Its real. Believe me. I mean, this is unexpected. You would say, remarkable . Absolutely. A remarkable deal thanks, i get that all the time. Wait what . grocrey outlet jingle wow. I think ill take two. For the love oh. Stephen welcome back, everybody. Were still doing the show. Thank you for being here. You know my guest tonight from movies such as the proposal, pokemon detective pikachu and as the evercheerful deadpool. Please welcome to a late show, Ryan Reynolds ryan, thanks for being here. Its very nice to be here, stephen. Thank you for having me. Stephen who is with you . Youre hunkered down in the reynolds burninger . Ime with my we, b,ters fiv stephen no judgment. Yeah, and my motherinlaw here. Shes also here. Stephen nice. Shes. A lifesaver. Its been incredible to have her here. She doesnt know it actually, shes emergency food if this gets real. Stephen sure. So, yeah, but its great having her here as well. Stephen we all are in the end. Yes, we are. Stephen thats why i keep myself so well marbled. Im thinking of my family. 100 . I will not hesitate to eat the children. Stephen youve got to be firm. Youve got to be firm. Wait a second, youre the only man in a house with five women . Yeah. Im doing my part to wipe men off the face of the earth. Stephen and and is that good for you . Is that a nice refreshing change of pace . Or do you mismasculine company like mine . I do not miss masculine company at all. Really, most most you know, men tend to just be the architects of someones demise. So its fine. I like just being here with the girls. I like doing the girls stuff. Like, i try not to push sort of gender normative ideas on my kids as theyre born, but each one as they came out of the chute, they wanted to make dresses. They wanted to dress in hot pink all day. Thats what i do. This morning i made dresses out of tissue paper which was fun for them. Stephen thats nice. Yeah, yeah, not bad at all, right. How is it going over there . Stephen project runway with a box of kleenex. This is what were doing, developing the skills that will take us into the new world. Stephen youre making it work, ryan. Makes sense. Stephen what about personal grooming . Youre a star, youre radiant with your own beauty. What are you doing about your own personal grooming now that youre locked inside. I was working on a film until two weeks ago, just a little over two weeks ago we shut down in the middle. Thankfully i got a haircut on the day we shut down. I was thinking ahead. And tomorrow, blake is going to going to give me a haircut. She did thid a ha hours. And then at the end it looked like she had done the whole thing using only a lighter or, like you that are made of sand paper. It would have been a little faster if she had just wore it down, just rubbed my head until the hair disappeared. Tomorrow im getting a haircut, very excite gl excited. Stephen people are coming up with new ideas to paz the time. What are you doing to fill the empty spaces . Were doing a lot of home schooling. Were lucky enough to have a little, tiny garden. Were learning a little bit about gardening. Were trying to make this an educational experience, but im mostly drinking. Stephen you have a head start on most people because you have your own liquor company. I do, i do, i own a gin company. Its a blessing and a huge curse. Stephen tell people about your gin company. You gave me a bottle back in the day. I did. Stephen and i have it with me. Oh i have mine with me, too. Look at this. Stephen do you have a cocktail you particularly like to make with your aviation gin. I like to drink gin and soda. I am like about the soda part. Stephen thats the nice thing about a clear liquor. Right. Stephen no judgment. Yeah, this could be alkaline water, for all anyone knows. Mmm. Stephen here i go. Sorry, that was rude of me to sip before you before stephen no, i need to i need to do this in a civilized way. Crushed ice and everything. My god, all the cfortz of stephen you and blake have actually done some wonderful work charitably so far in response to the coronavirus pandemic. Tell the people what youve done and ways they might be able to help as well. Well, you know, im not really in the business of telling people what to do, necessarily. But i do think its incumbent upon those who can give back to do so, partirly tim likehis, you know. People are struggling to pay represent. Theyre struggling to buy food. And food i think say National Security issue and pretty muc th dignity and respect, thats, you know thats part of the integrity of democracy. So i i i just felt it important and blake felt it very important to give back. So we made a pretty sizable donation to food banks in both canada and the United States. Stephen you donated 1 million to food banks in the United States and canada. And 400,000 to new york hospitals. And youre giving back wyour companies, aviation gin, and mitmint mobile. How is mint mobile giving back . You have a mobile phone company . I loved mint mobile. I used it for a year before i bought the company. Its 15 bucks a month pup get the same Service Everybody else is paying 65 or 100 bucks a month for, so it made sense to me. Particularly in times like this, its something we were able to give back a little bit, too. We were able to give everybody free data, having access to telecommunication at a time like this is an essential service. So, yeah, it was important to us to do something there. I think most companies if they can need to be doing something. They need to be giving back. Stephen hold that thought. Nice wow, youre a professional. Absolute professional. Oh, wow its like a young tom cruise behind the bar there. Stephen uhhuh. You look like the owner of the gin company. Youre the owner of aviation gin, not me. Im drinking in a halfassed tumbler. Stephen i do. I have a physique that lends itself to drinking. Right. Stephen i come predissipated. You look too healthy to own