Maybe it wont. What the hell do you got to lose . Its a late show with Stephen Colbert. Tonight home sweet show plus, stephen welcomes conan obrien and musical guest michael stipe. Featuring jon batiste and stay homein. And now live on tape from a safe distance, its Stephen Colbert stephen hey, i was just pretend they go could be at home without a camera. Welcome to a late show. Im your host, Stephen Colbert. Happy to be here. Happy. Tuesday, i think . It is tuesday. Good. Thank you, thank you, sir. I dont always know. Im so grateful that im still able to do a show for you guys and for all of you out there watching, one assumes. Its possible my producers are lying to me that were broadcasting at all. Sure, stephen, weve put a van on your front lawn. It talks to space. Now take a shower and shout into your phone. Whatever. Im grateful for something to do. Now, there is one aspect of the show that i have really been missing and that is my conversations with our friend jon batiste. Last couple of weeks, jons music has been featured throughout the show, but we have not connected on the air yet. So lets give that a shot. Jon b. Jon hey stephen whats going on, my friend . Jon im quarantined as we all are. This is the show were doing right now, right. Stephen were doing the show right now. Jon okay, so, hey, everybody, in the audience, or at home. I hope youre safe. Stephen yes, i hope they are, too. Youre right to ask whether this is a show. Because it does not it almost entirely but does not completely feel like a show. Jon it absolutely doesnt feel like a show. Theres no audience. I dont feel the inperson energy. I really miss that, but were doing what we can. Stephen how is your family down in new orleans . I know there have been a lot of cases down in louisiana. Jon you know, i really am grateful for everybody on the front lines, you know. Theres so much that we we have we have to go through. This is just the beginning. I can feel that we havent even really hit that intensity of where the moment is going to go. And im just grateful for the people on the front lines in louisiana. My family is staying home. And my sister, she has she has been working from home, and my parents are retired so, you know, family time. Stephen thats nice. Thats nice. You can play us a Little Something while i go back to start monologue . Jon oh, yeah, of course. Stephen what have you got. Stephen jon batiste, everybody. Now, one thing i have not been missing is donald trump. And yet, he persists. Yesterday, donald trump was asked about a criticalreport from the health and Human Services administrations Inspector General, and he was not amused. Reporter i know you dont want to talk about the Inspector Generals report, but testing is still a big issue in this country. Stephen uh he reacts like a teenage girl. as teenage girl ll tell you what. You just got tested and you are positive for being a total bitch. Thats my new trump impression. Trump explained that Global Pandemic is not the federal governments job. Hospitals can do their own testing, also. States can do their own testing. States are supposed to be doing testing. Hospitals are supposed to be doing testing. Do you understand that . Were the federal government. Listen, were the federal government. Were not supposed to stand on street corners doing testing. Stephen first of all, yes, it is the federal governments job. Second, street corners . Who does he think does the testing . as sex worker hey, baby. You need a date . How about 5 dollars for a hand swab . Trump then pointed to a chart that he had, that showed the country had gone from almost no testing to some testing, and scolded the reporter. You should say, congratulations, great job, instead of being so horrid in the way you ask a question. Stephen yes, a reporters job isnt to ask questions. It is to praise the president for doing a great job, just like when woodward and bernstein got nixon that congrats on the corruption cake. From there, it was just open season on every reporter who asked about the i. G. Report, like abcs jon karl. Reporter if i could follow up on this question of the h. H. S. Inspector general. It wasnt so much her opinion, but they interviewed 323 different hospitals. Well, it still could be her opinion. When was she appointed . When was she appointed . Reporter she did serve in the previous administration. Oh, you didnt tell me that. Oh, i see. Youre a thirdrate reporter, and what you just said is a disgrace. Thank you very much, jon. Thank you very much. You will never make it. Stephen what is wrong for him . For the record, this Inspector General started under bill clinton, served eight years under george bush you know what . Who gives a bleep . All of the drama no longer plays to the camera, sir, not even to your own supporters because it doesnt matter you who voted for. Everyone just wants to know the truth because thats how you stay alive so grow up and do your damn job. We have to. You should, too. Is it still tuesday . Yup. Stephen trump also revealed that he had a phone call with joe biden. I also spoke, just a few minutes ago, with Vice President former Vice President biden, who called, and we had a really wonderful, warm conversation. It was a very nice conversation. We talked about pretty much this. This is what we talked about. He gave me his point of view, and i fully understood that. And we just had a very friendly conversation. Stephen yes, it was a perfectly friendly conversation. Joe biden offered advice on how to deal with the pandemic, and trump asked biden if he had any dirt on joe biden. Oh, speak of joe biden. There was an election today in wisconsin. Now,pi the fact t eve other state has postponed its primary this month, or moved to mailin ballots, of at the insistence of the republican legislature, the badger state went ahead with their primary. Its wisconsins way of showing New Hampshire that you can live free and die. Heres how we got into this mess. Yesterday, there was a lastminute order from wisconsins democratic governor and irondeficient anthony fauci, tony evers. Evers gave the order to postpone inperson voting due to the coronavirus. But just hours later, the Wisconsin Supreme Court overturned him. Le risk eir liveto vote, but the ruling was no surprise coming from chief justice jigsaw. as jigsaw ive hidden the ballot inside your abdomen. To vote, you must cut yourself open with an i voted sticker. stephen the ruling went up to the u. S. Supreme court, and the conservative majority blocked extended voting in wisconsin by a vote of 5 to 4. Well, of course, the Supreme Court is used to voting while social distancing. Everyone knows to stay at least six feet away from Brett Kavanaugh after hes boofed. So voters were forced to do their best today, lining up at polling places to perform their constitutional duty, and hoping not to get sick. Luckily, a lot of wisconsin residents already have all the materials they meade to make thur own masks. Again, its only tuesday tuesday . Tuesday. But its already been a terrible week for acting secretary of the navy and man who ordered his hairline to retreat, thomas modly. It all started last week when the concerned commander of the Aircraft Carrier, the u. S. S. Theodore roosevelt, wrote a memo to the u. S. Navy saying that, of his 4,000 crew, more than 100 sailors were already infected with the coronavirus, saying, we are not at war. Sailors do not need to die. And warned his superiors that sailors aboard the Aircraft Carrier would die unless about 90 of the crew were moved into individual quarantine. And sailors are at particularly high risk. You know how the popular song goes in the navy cough on your fellow man hey, no need to wash your hands it goes on from there. The memo was leaked to the press, so modly sprang into action to rectify the situation, and fired captain crozier. Heres a video of the crew sending the captain off. applause cheers . Captain crozier captain crozier. Captain crozier stephen did you hear that chanting . Hes the most popular captain since crunch. But firing crozier wasnt good enough for modley. No, sunday, modley went aboard the u. S. S. Theodore roosevelt and gave a speech to the sailors, trashing their beloved captain. What the bleep . Stephen i agree with that sailor. What the bleep . Read the room, modly. The man youre calling stupid just tried to save your audiences lives. Thatd be like telling the survivors of sully sullenbergers plane okay, that was a nice landing, but can we talk about that stupid mustache now . Theres no way tom hanks will ever play that guy, am i right . Am i right . And, secretary modly, if you didnt think your tonedeaf speech was going to get out into the public, youre either too naive or too stupid to be running the navy. Oh, but wait, theres more. Because then modly shifted gears from insulting the captain to insulting the crew. Stephen first of all, dont imply the crew is a bunch of cowards because they dont want to catch a deadly virus. They signed up to serve their country, not endanger their lives for no reason on a ship. If they wanted to do that, theyd go on a cruise. I just dont understand why hes going after the crew of the teddy roosevelt. T. R. s motto was talk softly and carry a big stick, not talk loudly and be a big dick. Well, after the audio leaked, modly released this statement i stand by every word i said. Okay, good for you. Be a man. Take your licks. Stand up for yourself. And then he took a few licks, and the next day he sat his ass down. Let me be clear. I do not think captain Brett Crozier is naive nor stupid. Yeah, i stand by every word, take back every word i said about the captain and the crew. But i did mean it when i said the word ship. hey, you know who might need a big ship . The u. F. C. Because theyve just announced, they are getting a private island to hold weekly fights amid the coronavirus crisis. I dont see why they need to do this. Why do you want a fight island . If you want a fight island, come to manhattan and try to buy two rolls of toilet paper. Its a total bloodbath, and theres nothing to wipe it up with. U. F. C. President , dana white, assured viewers that the private island where men beat each other for our amusement will be totally safe. Were going to make sure that 100 healthy athletes, healthy Athletic Commission people, healthy judges, referees, my production people; that everybody there is going to be healthy. Were going to make sure everybodys going to be safe before, during, and after the fights. Stephen wait, during the fights . Dont worry. After i shatter your eye socket, im going to wash my hands for two happy birthdays. Now ill punch you in the throat. Mr. White explained how he plans to keep the island covidfree. We have all our own planes and everything. Everybody is going to be pretested and tested and tested and tested. Stephen so the good news is there are plenty of coronavirus tests. The bad news . Theyre all on fight island. So, if your nanas got a fever, just pop a mouthguard in and lower her into the octagon. Weve got a show for you tonight. Up next, i talk to my old friend conan obrien on my show. Or is he talking to me on his show . Is game. Yes. Galaxy 5g means you will beat your friends what if i want to show my friend this little guy . Calling the whole gang is even better with galaxy 5g. Wait a minute, are you bored . Obviously imagine a future where the best seats in the house are in your hand. With galaxy 5g yelling its like being there. Without being there. Without being there. Just between us, cleaning with a mop and bucket is such a hassle. Well i switched to swiffer wet jet and its awesome. Its an allinone that absorbs dirt and grime deep inside. And it helps prevent streaks and haze. Stop cleaning. Start swiffering and i like to question your im yoevery move. N law. Like this left turn. Its the next one. You always drive this slow . How did you make someone i love . That must be why youre always so late. I do not speed. And thats saving me cash with drivewise. Ld [tina] youre an old lady. Just like covered california teammateshelps you finder find a way to win, Health Insurance you can afford. Theyre the only place you can get Financial Assistance to help pay for Health Coverage. Plus, this year, the state is providing more help than ever before. And because a new law requires californians to have Health Coverage or pay a penalty, covered california has made it easier to get financial help, but times limited. Visit coveredca. Com or call to enroll today. How much time do you want to do, stephen . Stephen they listen what works for you. Stephen any amount works for me. They we put it in for 12. Yup. Stephen but i think thats probably well probably go long and then do some chops or something. Stephen and keep every second of it. Keep every second. Stephen all of this is in. Were rolling on this right now. This stuff should be the show. Stephen i really think it should, actually. Set and i mean really mundane stephen even when the show is back in the studio . Yeah. And andy will say, i had really good almonds. And ill say, i didnt know you could eat almonds . And somebody will inevitably say, this, should be the show no it shouldnt be the show. Stephen this should be the show now. No one can do their job well . I beg to differ. I think you and i are killing it. Stephen thank you, conan. That was a test and you passed. Thank you. Stephen im ready to go whenever you are. Well, im thrilled because my next guest is one of my 11 te latenight hosts. Hes, of course, on cbs. Hes beloved. Stephen colbert. So good to have you on my show, stephen. Stephen thank you, conan. Now, a lesser man would would fight with you right now and say, no, no, youre on my show. But i have been a host long enough to know that the host actually does most of the work, so you go right ahead, buddy. I see what youre doing. Beautiful. Stephen ask away. Ask away. All the weights on you now. Check. Mate. You fell into my trap. Beautiful judo move. Stephen thank you very much. Beautifully done. Stephen thank you very much. Beautifully done. Stephen how are you handling your isolation . I miss the laughter. I miss the joy that i bring ll wha about ur sw . Y that . I i dont know how youre dealing with, this but i find that i really do i really do mis i love the family time im getting. Dont get me wrong. I love that. And we are screening classic movies at night. We watch classic movies, comedy they say loved growing up that i show my to bond with them in that way. But i do have to say, i i really miss and i think everybody is missing this right now talking to other people, being in the office, having that kind of being able to yell at people in person. Stephen sure. Belittle them in person. Stephen yeah. I cant do that now. I do it with sarcastic texts and its not the same. Stephen doesnt have the inflection. How about you . How are you handling it . Stephen i miss the audience because i get all of my value from their praise. I have no selfworth at all. I only exist, really, in reflection to them chanting my name. Its been rough. Its been rough at times. Thats great that your audience chants thur yaim. Mine stopped doing that about four years ago. When they chant my name now, its usually as an angry mob so i envy you. Stephen i have a bone to pick you with . What is that. Stephen about a year ago you stpped wearing a suit and tie and started going casual, jeans, maybe a leather jacket. What did you know that the rest of us didnt know. Your dad is an epidemiologist, right . Did he give you the inside scoop . Yeah, my dad has been a microbiings on. Thats his profession and he told me about a year ago, truff me, theres this thing coming, and youre going to be broadcasting from home, so you should probably switch out of the suit and tie. I said, dad, shouldnt we be spreading this information for more useful purposes . And he said, i look after my own. Thats a quote. And then he hung up the phone. Stephen can i ask you whats going on in this room . Tell me about the room you chose. Why did you choose where you are right now to host . Okay, well do my room, and then well talk about your room, which i find to be stephen go ahead. My room has yeahat ishe to hide in this room. Stephen i dont know. I have my bust of teddy roosevelt, my everpresent bust of teddy roosevelt. Of course, ive got this mug, which is the original, that Robert Smigle gave me years ago which i have had on my test since 1993. The eyesen hour mug. I have a guitar. I have everything i need. I have another guitar right here. Theres really not much to see in this room. I am a simple man with simple needs. Stephen are you going to be your own musical guest at any point . Youve got the instrument. Yes, i have the instruments, not the talent. So, no, that will not be happening. I dont want to inflict with america. And i have a bone to pick with you while were picking bones. Are you using stateoftheart equipment. I am broadcasting on on baskly a phone. I am broadcasting my show on a phone. I tune in, i check out your show, youre clearly and i know my cameras youre on a sony hdc1700 4k. Stephen its a sony xdes and cam, hd, youre right. You know why . Because ive been in this business a long time. And know my cameras. Stephen i have a satellite truck parked on my lawn. Incredible. Stephen thank you. Let me tell stephen listen, buddy, i did it your way for the first week that we did it. I literally just did everything off of an ipad bounced on the side of a bathtub with a bottle of bubble bath to keep it from tipping in and killing me, okay. So dont tell me. Ive been in it. Okay, let me tell you let me tell you how i have been doing it. We record my show on a flip phone. When the show is over, i put it into a cardboard tube, and i put it in the u. S. Mail. And it goes to turneradquarten. Thats how weveh wh you story of oh, your hardships. Youve got a satellite truck on your lawn. Its been years since i saw a satellite truck. Stephen uhhuh. Im bitter and enraged. You can tell . Stephen uhhuh. I back off. Please back off. laughter please back off. That was that was like a topographical map of mars. Red, craggy. Stephen, let me ask you a question. I know that youre a man who occasionally likes his cocktail. Stephen i do, yeah. Are you some people are drinking a little too much during this period, and i think its fair to ask you, are you indulging a little bit right now . Do you have a hip flask i cant see . Stephen i dont, but i do actual